Dying

[njam]

There was a little girl called nicola

She was very sad

So she starved away emotions

Instead she just felt fat

While she wasn't eating

It kept hurt and pain at bay

She's since learnt a skeletal body

Represents what she didn't know or couldn't say

So now she seems all healthy

She must be better they think

But nicola is drowning

Is tired and starting to sink

Anorexia numbs your brain

You look alive but really your dead

Life is paused when you don't eat properly

You never know what needs to be said

Help me I'm a lost little girl

I need help and love and care

I lost my mummy years ago

Anorexia looked after me instead

So now that she is older and wiser

she has nowhere to go

Eating only leads back to childhood loneliness

Loneliness I hope you never know...

[loppyloo61]

Hi njam, that is so beautifully written & I feel exactly same as that lovely Poem. There is no loneliness, like the one of an Anorexic!

I could identify with every single word, thank you.

Best wishes to you

Sending positive, healing energies your way

Comforting Hugs Lynn XX

[njam in reply to loppyloo61]

Loneliness causes anorexia

Anorexia causes loneliness

Loneliness causes anorexia

Anorexia causes loneliness

On and on and on

Recovery Is lonely

it's all just lonely

If anorexic behaviours don't kill you loneliness will one way or another.

Anorexics are the loneliest people in the whole universe they just never realise just how lonely because theur weight and behaviours are the focus. They are told and subsequently believed thier anorexia has caused them to be isolated and lonely. It really is the perfect scapegoat. Loneliness got there first anorexia softens the blow...

[loppyloo61 in reply to njam]

Bless you njam, You really are in a tremendously bad place, arn"t you? My heart goes out to your poor Soul!!

You poor little lamb it does sound as if you are suffering beyond belief?!

I"ve been there my self. I am currently under the Care of a "Specialised High-Risk Eating Disorder!" Team @ Psychiatric Hospital.

I almost lost my life to Anorexia in July 2012, when I was rushed into Resuscitation in hospital after collapsing!

I was so ill the Anaesthetist had to come down to Resuscitation before he could stabilise me enough for them to move me to Intensive Care Unit, where I had Pneumonia, collapsed lungs, Respiratory Failure, Septicaemia, Sepsis, Organ Failure & was hooked up to Life-Support Machine & all other Machines!under 4st stone & BMI of less than 12!

My husband was told that I was not expected to survive & my sons were sent for in ICU to say their "Goodbyes!" to me!

I baffled them all as obviously I did survive & spent over a month in hospital!

I have been with Specialised High-Risk Eating Disorder Team ever since. My weight has gone up by a few pounds in almost 3 years & I am still trying to fight this insidious illness, although I have been so ill/weak I hav"nt been able to get down to the hospital for treatment much this year!

I feel as if I am dying on my feet! Anorexia has destroyed my Immune System causing many Physical illnesses/syndromes!

I was rushed in again with Pneumonia, Sepsis, collapsed lung ect again April this year!

I sincerely feel your pain njam, if you would like to PM me for a chat, please feel free to do so?

I am struggling myself but if there is anything I can do to help you please contact me!!

I can totally identify/empathise how you are feeling right now!!

As we both know Anorexia will kill us, PLEASE don"t be just another statistic a number on a form! You are worth more than that!!!

Are you getting any help for your Anorexia @ the moment? NO PRESSURE to answer me?!!

You are in my thoughts & prayers njam.

(((Gentle hugs))) Lynn X

[njam in reply to loppyloo61]

No. No current help. My weight is back to normal so I'm deemed ok now. I'm actually more in danger now than I was at 5 1/2 Stone. I didn't know what I was doing I was completely out of it and barely remember anything. My husband and I are separating I told him I want to separate nearly 2months ago he wants to site my unreasonable behaviour as a reason for divorce. He mentioned I flooded the bathroom when things were really bad I was starving the binging vomiting over exercising and drinking heavily...I do recall the ceiling was wet but I don't remember what happened but I know I used to run a bath to hide the sound of vomiting so I probably forgot the bath was running...

Anyways my point is while I starved vomited or over exercised I didn't know what I was doing. Nearly a yr ago my psychologist managed to reach me. Somehow I started following her small goals and over a few months started eating and building it up and reduced the exercise. Doing this has made my brain start to work and remember and all sorts of stuff goes around in my brain. ..years and years worth of built up stuff that I wasn't aware of while I thought about nothing else but losing weight and getting thin. I guess I'm struggling with this. It's not all bad but the good I just don't feel worthy of. Anyways the kids are off school...I'm exhausted...my psychologist is on leave when I need her most and the care coordinators have told me not to call the office anymore. I have no support. Family never cared and friends can't begin to understand and some stuff would blow everyone's brains out. I have to be here for my children but I can't do it all alone and that's exactly what I am right now. Thanks for your reply. I don't know how to do pm's?

n

[fadedlizard in reply to njam]

Hi darling,

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I think now is the worst time.

I've been in therapy since Jan with a fantastic man who has turned everything around. I've stopped self harming, purging and I'm trying to control my binge eating. It's only taken thirty years. I'm delighted to be beginning to see a way through but the stuff that has come up now the behaviour that kept it dormant has been removed is unbelievable. It's really hard. I'm having to take meds for the anxiety that has shot up and tried to overwhelm me.

It's too hard to deal with all this by yourself.

Have you been back to yr GP? I know this might not be an option. I've found a good GP now but prior to that I couldn't get anywhere. As far as they were concerned I'd exhausted the services the NHS had to offer. Turns out that's not true but I heard nothing but that for over a year. (My counsellor is private.)

What about ringing the ABC helpline for support? Or even the Samaritans just so you can talk things through? Sometimes it really helps just to be able to say the thingsin our head out loud.

I realise none of this might help but please keep posting here and let us support you.

God Bless,

Love

Lizard.xxx

[njam in reply to fadedlizard]

Hello

Thanks for your reply. I have called tge samartians a lot lately they've been very kind and I might have ended it 2months ago had they not been on the end if the phone. I am grateful for their time but in many ways it has made me realise how alone I am. that I must be really bad because I never want my children to feel as I do. I want them to come to me to talk to me and in which case why didn't I have that. Why was I so unwanted, unloved, un cared for and ignored. I must have been the most horrible baby. ..u don't understand. Ivfeel like a burden to the samartians and psychologist and I don't want to be I just don't know how to be nice to myself or think I'm worthy of it. I know fighting is important but I have never been so tired. I saw gp today she told me to turn ti family and friends!!!??? As if I can explain it to them!!??? Or I woukd want to!!! My psychologist is the only person I trust and my head wants to see sabotage that. So very tired. Not in medication I can't face putting anything in my mouth and fear I'd not be in control not that I feel in control right now. I'm terrified and alone cold ache and utterly shattered in every sense . Cant stand tge idea if being here fur a 3day weekend want to run away or die. Bags are packed car full if petrol. Just nowhere to go. Don't know where to go :o(

Thanks again

This is all too much for me

n

[doggie2 in reply to njam]

I am crying with reading this as it is so true.

[njam in reply to doggie2]

It will be ok. ..3minths have past and I've learnt a lot. ..its a journey. ..a looooong one. ...bubbles are safe believe me x

[fadedlizard]

Please don't feel a burden to the Samaritans - their whole mission is to talk to people who feel as bad as you do. They exist for you, darling so please keep talking to them.

It's so unfortunate that your psychologist is away at the moment as I understand how important it is to talk to the person you trust. Do you know when she gets back?

I understand too your difficulties with meds. I've fought taking them for over twenty years. To be honest I'm only taking them now because I had an episode at work and need to be able to show other people I'm taking my recovery seriously and people feel better if they think you're taking tablets!! However they do seem to be working for me now that the side effects have worn off.

I think when you've been ill as long as we have as well as all the junk that caused us to become ill in the first place a lot of questions are raised in our minds about why no one saw it happening, why no one rescued us? I know I've had a lot of these thoughts; that in someway I've created this illness to punish myself for not being perfect, because I'm not worth saving. T his is especially true of the self harm. This is still something I'm working my way through with my counsellor. A lot of things still underpin my actions and thoughts that I don't fully understand.

I'm slowly beginning to realise that I can only move forward. That I owe it to that lost little girl to get well, to really live. But that in itself is a problem - who am I? what is left of me when all the disorder is stripped away? It's like loosing my skin, literally, what will be left??

I realise none of this is any help to you now when you just want run so far and so fast as to leave yourself and all the disorder behind. But I want you to know you're not alone with these thoughts. Perhaps it Is even part of recovery.

Please don't give up.

Step by step, hand over hand we will find our way through this maze and we will get our lives back.

I know you feel so alone at the moment but we are with you, holding your hand and together we will get through this.

Try to rest tonight.

Good Night and God Bless,

Love

Lizard.xxx

[njam in reply to fadedlizard]

Oh I totally get the don't know who I am bit...

My psychologist says she does know...I think she must be a mind reader. She tells me I have to work it out for myself but I don't know where to start. I have no roots to grow from. One of the things that has come back into my head is the feeling I had as a very young child that I was adopted. ..my mum wasn't my mother...I never fit in I wasnt like them I sensed that knew it as a little little girl and I've slways felt I dudnt belong there. They moulded me and manipulated me I think. ..I became the daughter i think they wanted. My food control started at a very young age I have memories from 3yrs old possibly younger i believe that was the start...that anorexia was there for me... guiding me and allowing me to hold on to a part if me that was genuinely me and I was in control of ( this makes it hard for me to see anorexia as bad). I am told by my psychologist to trust myself and I want but that's hard when your head is full if stuff like this you have no way if validating and you have been told you are crazy or mad or told yourself you are well that's hard but I do trust what she is telling me.

It seems to me I've spent my whole life avoiding food and eating as much as possible. Planning and scheming weight loss...lying, hiding I know no other existence. All the goals and changes of behaviour seem to have made me into a blank canvas an empty shell and I am at an utter loss as ti how to fill it especially when my old ways are so tempting to return to...better the devil you know.

I can't go back I've only just come to life my psychologist saved me. ..revived me and I'm starting to build relationships with my children, where they didn't exist before but this is beyond hard...going forward seems impossible...too many obstacles and I have the children to consider too.

I've been told it'll be ok. I pray to God she's right and I have the strength to hold on but I fear I am losing my grip on reality, my mind and life. My starving ways were a walk in the park compared to this it never scared me but this...This is terrifying and I'm abandoned and clinging in to microscopic hope!!!

Thank you

n x

[greyelephant]

thank you so much for all the supportive feedback, makes me feel that I am not alone!

[white748]

of course you're not alone sweetheart!

[njam]

I want my real mum!!!