Stuck in partial recovery

[openmindmh]

I just wondered if anybody here could maybe chat to me or perhaps can relate to what I am saying. I don't think I actually have an ED per say, but I think I kind of have disordered eating or I am stuck midway between ED and recovery.

Back Story:

I had anorexia at 15, it was physically quite severe and I needed hospitalisation. The next few years I was in a kind of period of 'partial recovery' where I was eating three small meals a day and maintaining a low weight. I wasn't always actively losing weight though - I restricted less severely so that I could keep my weight in the anorexic range but I lost my periods again and become quite underweight and needed counselling. Fast forward two years and a period of really severe anxiety and depression led to months of binge eating which piled weight on quite fast but I ended up in the healthy range again and was able to stay there for about 3 years and I felt happy, healthy and positive about life.

What's going on now

My weight is back in the anorexic range according to my GP and BMI scale but I am eating three meals a day and can even eat junk food sometimes. I keep my weight low by restricting what I eat which often means being very hungry, even though I am eating something. From the outside I would imagine my eating looks almost 'normal' perhaps smaller portions than most people but there is a variety of foods. I also exercise a lot but not just cardio -sometimes weight training or core stability exercises. And count steps etc. I do weight myself quite frequently to 'check'my weight is where it should be.

I don't count calories, but I am very aware of fat content and do experience some anxiety around food. The idea of gaining weight is really daunting because I actually like my body like this, but I am worried about my long term health because I am now 26 and might want to have kids one day. And I am really struggling with dizzy spells/seeing stars, feeling so hungry all the time and having people comment on my size But I kind of know that unless somebody literally forces me to gain / weight I probably won't do it.

Any advice/thoughts at all? Is this even an ED? Do you think it's even worth speaking to my GP?

[Clo2000]

I am 16 and i am stuck in that patial recovery stage where im kind of gaining a little to make people happy and to keep me out of hospiatal.

You said that you can " even eat junk food" which yes you will be able to, no food is bad for you and you shouldnt restrict anything, its getting portion sizes right that matters and having a balance of food groups through out each day. I understand that sometimes people can be frustrating because your diet can look okay on the outside but you must take into concideration that you will lose weight at anything under 1800 ( it may vary for you as i dont know your height and you exercise) so it will look "normal" i would recomend looking into bmr if you havent already.

Muscle weighs more than fat does and body fat can only be gained above 2000 cals for someone of a healthy weight, but fat is vital to your body especialy you vitals.

I would definatly recomend speaking to your doctor and i dont mind if we spoke privately, if you think it would help.

Good luck!! Xx

[eunhwa]

I'm sort of where you are - wanting to keep my weight low and I'm eating a lot. Meals out, drinks, going to parties and actively firing into all the party food, only I keep losing. It takes a lot to maintain weight and even more to gain. Trying to get back on my meal plan but I'm rarely hungry or thinking about food these days. Eating is easier when you're starving. :\

I think you should considering therapy as this is just sort of like 'clinging' to your ED for whatever reason. You have to think of your long-term health and happiness.

[crazycrossstitcher]

Get to your GP the physical symptoms you mention need checking out. I am in a similar position to you - eat regularly and meals look fairly "normal" - but I don't snack - which is the key if I'm to gain weight. You are clearly aware you are restricting - and your body is telling you it needs fuel - especially given your exercise regime. Do please seek help before it becomes serious. ABC have advice and a helpline which I've found good.

[TPepper]

Yes, it is definitely worth seeing a GP. The way I try to think of it is I may be okay now, but what about 6 months time? Do you picture things getting worse or staying the same? Because if so, then it is defo worth trying to deal with now. Also, maybe trying to think what if it gets worse? It could potentially affect relationships, work and health. It may mean you have to deal with more of a problem later on.

I totally get where you are coming from. I thought I'm not that bad so do I really need to see a GP? Well, thinking of it like this, anything that is a deviation from eating properly is important. Because eating is needed for survival. So, even if you feel like it may not be a problem/ big deal, it is.

Also, feeling dizzy must suck. You're eating is having an effect on your physical health and so that is important.

Good luck! xx

[openmindmh]

Hi everyone

Thanks so much for your comments/questions/challenges; it's really helped me think about this and yes I think I do need to address this. I am also irritable all the bloody time because I am always worrying about food. I spoke to the Beat helpline tonight and they recommended some things and I am going to try and see my GP and I am going to a peer support group this week.

Yes feeling dizzy does suck - especially when I am sitting at my desk at work watching stars circle round my head.

Thank you

[Blue123]

Although I'm a lot older than you I feel exactly the same. Struggling to fight purging anorexia. In therapy ect but so stuck with the fear of weight gain even though I know it's essential. Every one good day leads to 2 bad ones. Good luck .