I have not been on here every week. Sometimes not for several weeks. But then when meds get changed and the cancer changes, I would come back on. Many of the ladies on here were helpful and gracious. They understood things that my friends could not even comprehend bc they were not the ones battling it. I came home and cried and shook for two days straight bc it is scary knowing my end is near.
But had another CT scan this Friday, 10/14 and my onco put a rush on results of the scan (the previous one was on August 23rd). Unfortunately, the scan showed that the tumors that were on my liver grew even much larger, the tumors that were were starting to form in August are now full grown tumors and I was told now there are multiple tumors growing all over my liver.
So I am told nothing else to be done. Since I live alone, I need to know what would happen. I am already feeling sicker. I had like three good weeks of no meds and almost felt normal again, but that did not last. Somehow I never really thought I would die from this. I have not eaten in like 3 or 4 days but I feel no hunger.
My onco said probably 2-3 months at best. I am scared bc she said I will soon be feeling intense pain, then need to call an ambulance for myself, and then will bring me to hospital and from there hook me up to whatever pain medication and then straight to hospice. I am scared bc I am alone and hope I am able to have the mindset to know when to call an ambulance. I would have been 63 in January and I have never never even had to stay overnight in a hospital.
It is scary knowing the worst is yet to come. But this is the end of my fifth year so I guess I should be grateful for that.
Thank you all for your words of wisdom and hope and encouragement. Please, for those who believe, say a prayer for me bc I am quite scared. Once again, I will be doing this solo. Nobody will be coming to visit me at the hospital and certainly not at hospice. I am just praying to God that it be quick. I will totally log off by Tuesday. I just wanted you ladies to know how much you all meant to me.
Much love to you all and thank you. Do not let my situation arise fear in you. We are all different.
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kearnan
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Kearnan, I will miss you . I wish I lived closer to you as I would I visit you for sure and also try to help you as you navigate this overwhelming situation. I'm hoping and praying that you will get more help from your cancer center, or from someone in your community . I haven't been a member here for very long and am not a member that checks in or posts often but you have stood out to me as a kind , smart and compassionate woman. XOXO I will say a prayer for you daily .
Dear Kearnan, I’ll pray for you every day… I’ll never forget you and this last post, I was so upset reading it. I wish you peace and no suffering. Hugs
I shall pray for you and hope that the care you now receive will give you the peace you so need and deserve. Your presence on this board has been immense, you are one of the originals when I first joined, full of knowledge that personally helped me - I thank you from the bottom of my heart for that.
With sadness I send you a massive virtual hug, You will be in my thoughts every day ❤️.
i am thinking of you and knowing that your medical team will help you figure out and deal with what now seems overwhelming. Hospice provided loving, ,caring ,nurturing carefor my father.They will do that for all of us..I know this to be true.
Dear Kearnan, I have been praying especially for you. Pray for what God wants for you so you will find peace. Please say this prayer which I pray everyday. I am having a problem sharing the link so please google the Surrender Ptayer by Fr. Dolindo. You may be physically alone but you are in our thoughts.
Dear Kearnan: Pray to God for comfort & peace through this transition. He is sovereign and can comfort your every need. I am praying for you and I’m deeply saddened that your time is near. I will miss you in this board. You are one of the few people I “followed” when I joined this board 3.5 years ago.
You are not alone. We are all here with you even though we may not be physically present. Your brave uncompromising voice was one of the first who gave me the strength, as a single women on her own as well, to move forward when I received my MBC diagnosis. Here you were a strong single women taking on this disease with humor and honesty. You see the irony in so much of what happens while going through this process. While we are all counting vegetable servings, you proudly let all of us know you never eat vegetables 😝😂. You never held back on your opinions, which I admired greatly. Your posts always held the raw truth of how silly this journey can be and and often how painful it really is. You will always be remembered and will be in my prayers everyday. So very sorry. May God watch over you. 🙏
I’m so sorry to read this. I pray you find comfort and peace. I thank you for the support you have provided to us although you were going through your own journey. In this world you may think you’re alone but each of us touch lives in ways we don’t know. As you can see on this thread you are not going to be forgotten. I hope you can find help, can your doctors office help connect you with case managers at the hospital to get you some help? We will all be praying and thinking of you. Hugs to you❤️
My palliative care doctor is scheduled to call me this week. She wanted me to start hospice at home so that everything will be ready when it is my time. I do NOT want somebody in my apt. I can still shower and take care of myself although a bit tired. I have a small studio apartment. I would be very stressed by having someone here bc my apt. is so small there would be no privacy. I am worrying about the most stupid things. I hate hate the thought of people going through my stuff when I am deceased.
I have been on my own since I was 19 years old so the thought of someone being here is stressful to me but I will see what the palliative care doctor says. She is wonderful. If I start hospice (even at home), I will lose her as my doctor bc I am told they take over.
I did not expect good news but I did not expect it to be this soon either but I guess there is no good time with this. My onco said I should be grateful I had five years. UGH...
I understand about not wanting anyone in your home. I’m sure you’ll figure things out. You sound very independent and on top of things. I’m sure you turned over every stone on treatment. I’m keeping you in my thoughts. Hugs
HI , I just came upon your post. I am sorry to hear the news of the cancer spreading.
I have been living with MBC for eight years and know the struggle.
I just came across a Doctor in Arizona that does Cryoablation for tumors. Her name is Dr. Jeanne Stryker . I don't know if you are a candidate but look her up and watch her video. She was on a podcast and the technology sounds good.
Whatever you decide to do , I wish you and all others here the very best and sending prayers to all 💗💗
Hello Kearnan I live in the UK and even though I am far away from you in distance in my heart and mind I am with you holding you in my arms and showering you with love and admiration. I want you to know how brave you are and it breaks my heart that you are now facing the end of your journey. I have read your many posts which are inspiring and show your true emotions. I will send love and positive vibes to you everyday and pray you will get the help you need and deserve to help you at the end if this journey and find the peace and comfort you need. I wish I lived near you to support you in some way but you will always be in my heart and thoughts. Sending lots of love and hugs always I will miss you xx 🤗🤗🤗🥰🥰🥰🥰💖💖💖
Whew, Kearnan, what can I say to you to give you what you need the most at this particular time? Everyone has expressed much of what I could say. I definitely will pray for you for God to give you peace in this journey as you walk the last mile. The God Head, Father, Son and Holy Spirit are with you right now to give you peace, comfort and strength that we can't give you. Hopefully your medical care team will assist you navigate the path as you transition from home to hospital and hospice. Sending you virtual hugs my friend, you have encouraged so many on this forum and given of your knowledge as well, thank you so much. “In you, my God, my body will rest in hope.” I surrender to God's tender care for my body, my mind, my soul, and my whole life by relinquishing worry over things I cannot control. “Because with the Lord there is mercy and fullness of redemption, Israel indeed he will redeem from all its iniquity.”
I read the Bible when I am feeling really down and get strength from that. I just pray to God that it be quick. The weird thing is I have not eaten in days. I mean the most I may eat in a day is a bowl of cereal. She said my liver is very enlarged and that there is fluid around my gallbladder. I do not feel pain now but she says I will feel intense pain soon enough, and that is when I will need to call for an ambulance and then they will take me to the hospital, try to give me pain relief and send me to hospice.
I already have a DNR in place and it is taped to the inside door of my apt. Just in case, as she says, that they have to come and get me so that they see it.
Hi - just read your notes. We are all going to the same place-damn it- but we have today. u can always contact the group or me if u wish because you are not dead yet. There will be computers where you are going & the staff will keep the pain away. Thank you for being so honest because most of the people that are getting mad & quitting the group just don`t want to say what is happening. Which is kind of stupid because we are on the same journey. You may actually enjoy the hospice. (No pain, good food & good people) I will think of u & maybe even hear from u. Good bless Lou Anne
No, no TVS, computers in hospital or hospice. I am in Brooklyn, NY. I hope I am coherent enough to know that it is time for me to call the ambulance. This is a coop apt. building and I am a subtenant and barely know my neighbors. I was already stressing that I do not want an ambulance to carry me out of my apt. while people stare and hear the noise.
So I said I will call the ambulance and sit in lobby and wait for them. I am stressing about the most mundane things.
The sad thing though is the few friends I am in contact with and when I say I am overwhelmed bc I need to start clearing things out and donating clothes, etc. they then say Well, if you need anything let me know. Seriously, I just said I am overwhelmed and tired and have so much to do and they do not even offer to help. SMH
HEllo! from East Texas. Your story has touched my heart so deeply. I'm getting ready to go through radiation treatments after a Lumpectomey and lymphnodes removed in June I know how scared I was hearing the word CANCER. And it hurts to know you have no family to be with you. But know you are not alone God has never left you and he will see you through this storm. Storms don't last forever.We will never understand God's Wisdom but we have to Trust his Will. Don't think about dieing think about Living.And remember God is a Miracle worker. I'm going to light a prayer candle for your strength and healing in the name of Jesus daily. Don't give up . Love you lots. From East Texas
Thank you. I have been fighting this for a bit over five years. Somehow even though I knew what the ending would be, it never seemed so real to me before. Trying to manage what needs to be done after I pass is hard enough so that I cannot even not stress during my last days. When my onco told me the news on Friday, I came home to an empty apt. and nobody to tell me it will be okay.
It is not really the dying part that scares me, it is the process before that happens. I do not want to go to a hospital, I do not want to go to hospice. I am supposed to know when it will be time for me to call an ambulance to go to hospital, where I am told they will try to make me comfortable and then off to hospice.
It is the indignity of what lies ahead that upsets me. My palliative care doctor will be calling me this week. I have NEVER ever had to even stay in a hospital overnight. I have no choice but to pray to God that it be quick.
Again, if you look at me, you would not even realize how sick I am. Thank you for your prayers. That is what I need. For whatever reason, God has always had me go through the worse times of my life totally alone. I can't concentrate on anything. I wake up every morning now and immediately go into a full-fledged anxiety attack. I just wish I had the choice in other states that have the death with dignity act in place. NY does not have it.
Sending you a big hug, love and prayers. I pray that you get lots of peace and calm from the very kind hospice people. Thank-You for sharing your journey with us.
So sorry to read your post. There are hospice resources almost everywhere that can provide with volunteers companionship and emergency checks resources. I hope you find peace and calm deep within you and don't give up hope 3 months may turn into 6 months sending you a hug deal Kearnan.
As Winter-Flowers snd others suggest, please see if you csn get a companion from the hospice or elsewhere to visit, they can help you clear stuff or just friendship, you don't have to be alone. Even if just once a week.
You will know when you can’t cope anymore. Please don’t wait too long. I’m sure your palative caregiver will guide you as they did with my dear friend. She was in good hands and she felt no pain. She has a smile on her face when she passed. It was heard to believe she was gone she looked so peaceful.
I don’t know if you do Tik Tok but this one is sooo helpful for someone in your position and is called “Hospice Nurse Julie”. It explains anything to do with dying. Here is the link:
I hope we will still hear from you and try to eat something!! Hope your journey will be speedy and a good one!
You will be missed by so many here on the board. I loved your posts so much and you always cared so much about everyone. Your friends might not know exactly what to do. Ask them for something specific to do for you! They will help you, I’m sure of it!
Take good care friend. You are much loved. 💕 ♥️ 🥰 💜 ❤️
I understand you are not comfortable with anyone in your apartment. Maybe thinking about it being daily short visits from someone to talk to would make it feel like a better idea? With the help of a caring and capable hospice person, you may be able to take care of your things in the way you want rather than some stranger coming in later. You wouldn't need to worry about knowing when to make a call, they have the training and experience to know when and how to have that conversation with you. Whatever choice you make God speed and God bless you Kearnan.
Thank you for being so brave and honest. It is a journey we are all on. I am grateful you are so open with us at such a scary and stressful time.
I wish you continued pain-free days, for as long as possible - don't write yourself off! You are a strong and resilient woman. Can you get out and enjoy the Autumn sunshine? And maybe force down two bowls of your favourite cereal, rather than one?
I send you love, prayers and a gentle hug. God bless you.
9kearnan,even though you may have no physical visitors, you have virtual hugs, real tears and hopes gor brilliant hospice care flying across the ocean from me to you
Kearnan, I am deeply sorry for your plight. I wish I could run over and give you the biggest hug and help you sort things out. We all are in the same predicament- waiting for the words “nothing more we can do”. It’s been almost 4 1/2 years for me and I still have not stopped thinking about this. Believe me, even with having a family, there are many times I feel alone in this.
My heart breaks for you but you are not alone. God is with you always. I will be praying for you as I have been. I hate that you feel the need to say goodbye to us here so quickly. We are here for you to talk. Maybe you’ll reconsider-if just for a little bit? Either way, just know we all feel for you deeply and you are in our thoughts and prayers forever. 🙏❤️🙏❤️🙏
I just ordered this book from Amazon! Thank you for recommending this book! I had to have a cervical examination 2020 and then 2 hospital appointments last year in January and and March! Then another one this year! I all they have found abnormal cells in my cervix which are not cancerous but have to have another test again next year! So this book will be a great asset! I am concerned but praying that God will keep me for my 4 children and 5 grandchildren!🙏❤️
i can't do that right now as I am still working! Cells are abnormal so every year a cervical smear test 👍 If it came to the crunch I would consider that but it is quite an operation and because of the economic climate right now I can't afford to take time off from work!
If I do retire next year February and it is still a problem we shall see
Just one thing: have you looked into clinical trials via a university hospital? It's a last thing you could do. Sometimes people do come back from the brink.
Thank you for sharing how you are doing and feeling. I know we have not met but so appreciate your honesty and wish we were near and could get together for some tea. You are in my prayers for comfort, peace, and a gentle passing. Love to you
So extremely sorry to hear this dear Kearnan! I will pray for you that the Lord will give you peace in your very dire health situation! Look to Jesus, he will give you wings to fly! May he give you his peace now ❤️❤️❤️❤️🙏
Lots of Love I am sending to you now 🙏❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Christiane
learn an I am so sorry to read this and it does strike fear in my as I have some pain that I think is liver. I am so sorry for you to be alone. So sorry that your will sign off and be away from all of us when you need us most. Good luck getting by to the other side. I hope that they are able to keep you comfortable and it is not long drawn out. I pray that for me to.
Don't worry Kearnan. You will be well taken care of at hospice. In the mean time concentrate on caring for yourself. Eat if you can and take the meds they offer. It might be farther off then you think. Sorry you have decided to end your visits to us. Please reconsider if it is not to tiring.
Hi Kearnan like I said yesterday I wish I was near you to help you xx I am sending this link so you may contact them if you wish for some support. You can video call or ring them I am praying they will be able to help you 🤗 its ok to ask for help and support and you certainly deserve love and support at this time. You can ring 24/7
24/7 Cancer Helpline
Our 24/7 cancer helpline provides support for people dealing with cancer. We can connect you with trained cancer information specialists who will answer questions about a cancer diagnosis and provide guidance and a compassionate ear.
In reading your text, I am wondering if my experience may help at all. I could be way off base, but ask ur onc about Y90 radiation and for a referral to an interventional radiologist to inquire about this procedure. I have mbc to liver and lungs and y90 rads to my 5 inch liver tumor turned it into scar tissue. I also had my liver regenerate to compensate and liver function tests are almost normal. I was diagnosed w mbc in sept 2019 and doing well. They will say its not a cure, but I know it has increased my lifespan and quality of life. Again, i cud b off base with how this can help you, but inquire if u wish to. I am from upstate ny and had it done at Mt Sinai hospital Manhattan. Some of the best drs in the world are in nyc. Good luck friend. You are NOT alone ♥️♥️♥️
…oh and also to consider: the Insight Timer meditation app, microwaveable heating pads and anxiety meds. These add to my comfort every day. I hope you find peace and comfort. I have resolved myself to the fact that this is not the worst way to go, as cancer patients are afforded the “luxury” of knowing when death is near and culturally it is accepted to medicate the $!&@ out of us on our way out 👍🏻👍🏻 Lol. I dont mean to make lite of it, but i think it helps is all sometimes. Also, always remember: you are held in the hands of god and you are perfectly, utterly safe. That is from Bellruth Naperstak, another great author of meditations. Get ur hands on some of HER stuff. Amazing! Lots of love, Andrea.
Dear Kearnan --May God be with you! You must have a very strong body to never have been in the hospital. Despite the bad news the doctor has delivered, you may be around for longer period than suspected. Please know that we are all with you. You will do what you think is best for you. However, you are in a terrible state of shock and anxiety and it may be that a much longer period of time will pass before the end. I beg you reconsider and to continue to write on this forum and to receive our compianionship even if it is only on the computer. "A woman is allowed to change her mind.". OOO XXX
My heart goes out to you. You may already have logged off from the group but I couldn’t pass by your post without mentioning a story I recently saw on one of the healing groups I frequent. I understand where you’re at because I came close to similar a couple of years ago. I know that this is downright exhausting too, and I totally get the fear you have, I often say when it’s my time, it’s not the leaving part that bothers me, it’s the leading up to it.
I just wanted to put in my 2c here for what it’s worth. I see people sharing on some of these boards about going into remission almost daily; much of the time they’re also people who have been told to get their affairs in order, or given some kind of grim prognosis. This is the reason I’m sharing this. I believe the most desperate cases can heal, because they have been.
One of the groups is a fenbendazole group and the other is an rso (cannabis oil) group. I wanted to share a post I came across - this is just one of many posts I often see. It gives me hope and that’s something I think we could all use more of. If you’re ever inclined, please feel free to message me - I’m also in NY and would be happy to chat. Otherwise, I pray that you get whatever it is that would give you comfort right now. Here’s the post, it was from maybe a year ago?
*******
Hello friends!
Here is a feel good story about nature 💚💚.
6 YEARS ago, my mom’s oncologist told her: “finalize your estate and have things in place within the next three months.”
Translation: you have 3 months or less to live.
Diagnosis was Stage IV intrahepatic cholangiocarcinoma. That’s advanced and VERY aggressive cancer of the bile ducts of the liver. Mom had 2 liver surgeries at Mt. Sinai Hospital in NYC. It came back in a fierce matter in less than two months.
Mom got ONE dose of a statin chemo to “possibly” slow down the growth of the tumor. Three days later, my sister found mom almost lifeless in her house, carried her to the car and drove in *crazy excess speeds* to the same trauma center she retired from as an RN.
We spent her 75th birthday in ICU. She went to a step-down unit, then to a respiratory floor, and then home.
Then, as what I felt was the very last resort, I suggested RSO. She leans more towards a holistic approach for everything anyway. I had to explain what it was. We both decided that she had nothing to lose. Mom took the doses of the cannabis oil as recommended for just under 2 years.
I am so sorry that you not only are dealing with cancer, but also with these fears.
I know the plan is that you are headed to a hospital and then hospice. And you are stressing calling an ambulance. Can you go directly to hospice? In my experience they have all of the meds there to provide comfort.
What if you proactively call them? See what the palliative Dr says. I learned two things when my mom fell. 1) Ambulance and ER typically by law do not enforce DNR. They work to keep you alive.
So if you went right to hospice can you relieve a) the stress of calling and b) sitting in an ER.
Hospice is amazing both spiritually and emotionally for support. Once there they may ideas about your apt, too. They have seen it all.
Just my two cents. You clearly stress being out of control. Harness and Muster leaving on your terms.
Hope this helps. I will be saying a prayer for you.
Hi. I have a palliative care doctor. I was told by my onco and palliative care doctor that a patient cannot just go to hospice. They have to be brought there by a hospital. Makes sense bc people who did not need hospice may go there in droves. I live in Brooklyn, NY. All of a sudden, I have gotten worse quickly. I eat like a can a soup or just a egg per day.
Now I have intense stomach pain. My onco had told me at mid-October that my liver is severely enlarged. I can actually feel something bulging when I touch under my breasts. I feel something hard and large and it is painful.
I do not think it is much longer now. The pain is getting to me and I am sleeping more and more. This pain does not come and go. It stays all the time so I am ready for whatever at this point. I have no appetite at all and feel nauseous all the time but not with the stomach pain, it is making me depressed. I wanted to try and buy ice pops today (it helps with the nausea) but I did not have the energy to get dressed and walk several blocks.
I go back on November 10th. My onco just wants to do bloodwork to see how much of my liver is working. All I know is that the size definitely grew, I can actually feel it.
Since you live alone, I would ask your doctor to get you into hospice now. Two of my friends went from home to a hospice in the Bronx. Can you get groceries delivered via InstaCart?
im so sorry to hear this, I will pray that you get a feeling of peace and comfort within you to help you accept and deal with what is to come ... im sorry it has come to this 💔 sending you love and hugs 💞💞
Where are you located? I pray your end comes quickly and you do not suffer unbearably. You said your friends do not understand, which tells me you are alone because you choose to be. Surely at least one of them would not let you be alone. You need to shake yourself from the depression the devil has locked you into. Reach out and find a hand to hold, an arm to hold you! If you are near Denver, I will come to you. God is with you - you are not alone. Get some help!!
They call and send emails but live in NJ or further from me. They have full-time jobs, elderly parents and watching grandparents. So that is about all they can do. I get it. They have their own issues also within their family unit.
I feel saddened by your post and I hope you feel uplifted by the many replies, suggestions and prayers.
I echo the others who have encouraged you to continue to eat, to seek other options even though I’m sure it seems overwhelming, to seek comfort and help, to pray and to stay connected through this board.
easy for us to say, as we’re not living your particular circumstance, but hope springs eternal. And I’d hate to see you disconnect from a group that cares and can listen, even if it’s only virtual
Kearnan, I have enjoyed your (sometimes spirited) posts. I think most of us realize at some point that we are mainly alone on this journey. I have a small circle that I feel know me; if anything happens to these few people I will be the same as you. There is a song by Beth Neisen Chapman about dying, some of the lyrics are All alone I didn’t like the feeling/ all alone I sat and cried/all alone I had to find some meaning/ in the center of the pain I felt inside. All alone I came into this world, all alone I will someday die/solid stone is just sand and water/sand and water and a million years gone by. These words have comforted me when I have felt alone. Remember to communicate with the hospice staff about your pain, you are used to not asking for help and haven’t had much luck when you did, but I believe they will help you through this. Our thoughts will be with you.
I am so sad, I have been lying in bed for 2 hours thinking of you and how you must feel.
I feel like crying because I know it can happen to me and these last two months were terrible mentally but stable physically. Your journey reminds me that I mustn't give up now. I am 50 and your story will inspire me. I must be strong for me and my kids. I will stop staying in bed brooding because I have spent almost a year like that instead of enjoying stable results.
I don't kow you but you will be a strength in my life. God will help you as you have helped be realise something crucial today.
Dear Kearnan- You are in my thoughts and prayers and I am praying for you this morning. I wish you peaceful and pain free days ahead - God will see you through and comfort you.
I wish I could comfort you somehow as I would feel the same but hang in there. What medicines did you take during your treatment? Please try to prepare as much as you can -keep positive as the holidays will be here and your family will surround you. Be strong and I hope pain free. 🙏✝️🌹
I am praying for you to have peace and comfort while you transition. Hospice should always provide you with relief so there should be no reason for pain. We are all in this with you!
As I would and will be praying for myself: God take fear and replace its with the miracle of peace. Take every fear and concern and speak peace and truth into Kearnan. Also, if you will, bring company she did not expect -- because you can. Please show her in this way you are with her... I have more words but we ask even more than mere earthly words can express...we ask for the miracle of goodness and peace and love.
Godbless you Kearnan.. I am Brokenhearted thinking about you being alone in a Small Apt in a Large City. Thanks for your messages and such when I first came here I was a Mess and you helped me more than you may realize. I wont forget you and will be forever Grateful for the helping hand you offered myself and my Family navigate these waters! Much love to you my dear!🙏🏼❤
I am so sorry and my heart goes out to you. We never know how much time we have left after this diagnosis. I don't know where you live but if you were close to me I would come visit you. I think most hospice centers have excellent social workers and volunteers, so that may be available to help you through this. I will pray for you for peace and little suffering, although I know nothing can take away the mental suffering. Peace to you dear lady. Namaste 🙏.
praying for you, for peace and tranquillity . Thankyou for being honest and open about your situation and brave enough to let us know how you are feeling. You brought a lot to this forum through your openness that will not be forgotten.
Your post struck me pretty hard. You will not be alone when you start on your journey to your next level of life. There will be someone with the compassion to be by your side.
I pray that you don't suffer too much. My god, you are a brave soul and it is so sad to hear your news. I think you shouldn't have to wait until you are in pain. You should go ahead and request a bed in hospice type unit where someone is there to give you comfort and control any pain that might occur. Why should you have to wait. When my friend was in hospice she had someone come all the time to visit her. There are people who care about people who are terminally ill and they are willing to be with that person and help them feel peaceful. With sadness I say goodbye to you. Marlene
I got worse pretty quickly. It almost seems overnight. I feel something bulging from under my breast and it is large. I think it is my liver which my onco told me in October was severely enlarged. Now, I have stomach pain all the time. I feel so so nauseous. I eat an egg or a can of soup and can't eat anymore. Sometimes I go 2 or even 3 days without eating. I do not feel hungry. I am sleeping much more. I never had to nap but the stomach pain hurts so much that I would rather sleep.
I can't even clean much. I take a shower and by the time I am out and dressed I am back in bed. The pain started rather quickly so I hoping the rest goes quickly also.
it is so good to hear back from you. although I am very sorry to hear of your struggles and pain. no-one with cancer should be in that much pain as they are transitioning. nor should you be suffering with such nausea. the hospice facility will take care of all that and make you comfortable. they are angels and they will treat you like a queen. and I believe you will feel less alone.
but if you are not yet ready to make that step, then how about you contact your palliative care doctor and ask/demand an increase in your pain meds? you have been on same dose for a long time now and you are now ready for an increase! and ask her about a script for zofran for the nausea. you should not have to be suffering. I hope you will consider.
I think of you often. you are one strong lady. hang in there....you are amazing.
Hello Kearnan--Oh, blessings to you my dear. CALL HOSPICE IMMEDIATLEY! Get your cancer center's help. How can they just dismiss you?? Hospice comes to you, to your home to be there for support and whatever pain meds, etc. that you need. Hospice will not stay there--just check in and watch over and care for you whenever YOU need them. They are part of life's/death's blessing, not a bad thing. I hope you can accept some concern and care. You deserve it! I have been reading that there is a whole beautiful world on the other side. I hope you find some peace. Kay
My palliative care doctor suggested that but my apt. is so darn small. I never felt much pain before this, but now that the liver is enlarged, all of a sudden pain started once in a while and then a few days later 24/7. It hurts and getting depressed. Not about the ending but that I feel so horrible now. I go for bloodwork on 11/10 bc my onco wants to see how quickly my liver is getting damaged. I know it got alot worse. I feel it and it is constant stomach pain and my stomach is bloated and I am exhausted. My prayers is that I pass in the hospital and NOT hospice. But out of my hands. I feel sicker suddenly so my onco was right on point about time limits. I am okay with that now bc I can't deal with feeling this sick and having no help for someone to run to the store and get me some things. I tried and wanted to get ice pops today but I knew I could not make the walk. So I cooked an egg.
OH Kearnan--the hospice people will just check in on you. It is a service and it is free. They will not stay at your place. Hospice comes to you--you do not go to them or to a place. They can help with pain meds and a little food--whatever you need. I hope you iwll accept their help. Your palliative care doc should help with this. Blessings to you my dear! Kay
I worked as an RN for many years. you are both correct and incorrect. hospice will come to your home ONLY if you have family or caregivers living with you round the clock to take care of you when the hospice is not there. the hospice nurse comes once a day for approx 30 minutes and a home health aide would probably come 3 or 4 times a week to help bathe. they expect the family to do most of the heavy lifting. I hospiced both of my parents at their home and taught my siblings how to turn them and reposition them in bed and toileting care and feeding by mouth when they could no longer hold a spoon....very easy.
but if you live alone, hospice can NOT be done in your home. there will come a time when kearnan needs a lot of help and hospice only stops by once each day. it would work temporarily if that is what you mean?. but as the cancer progresses, that would not be an option.
they have wonderful hospice facilities where you get a private room and compassionate care. this is where most people who do not have families to care for them go. and honestly, a lot of people choose a hospice facility even if they have family available because they don't want to be a burden. or the family is not up for the challenge. I've seen that happen many times.
just wanted to clarify. hope you are not upset with my input.
Hi Carole--Thanks for the input. I doubted whether I should even say anything. My experience with hospice here in MN is that they are very wonderful, compassionate and caring--so hoped this would be the same experience elsewhere. Kay
hi Kay. they are still compassionate here so don't be too discouraged. but there are limitations to the home services.....run by insurance as usual🙄. hospice caretakers are earth angels and kearnan will receive great care😇 when she is ready.
Hi. Bossy Me again with annoying practical advice. If you can’t go out, could you sign up for Uber eats or Fresh Direct delivery? You can order what you want—likely ice pops are possible, and have it delivered right away. You can just use Eder one or two things I know eating is hard for you so no need to do a huge stock up
I know you have more important things on your mind but there are options and work arounds for your mobility concerns
I also hope you can take advantage of hospice. Even if you start by letting someone stop by for a half hour or so. They could make sure you’re comfortable and could likely help find a place you could stay when that becomes necessary. Don’t worry about your apartment—they won’t pay attention and have likely seen it all. It’s ok to ask for help. And with hospice workers there’s no concern about imposing—it’s what they do for a living.
I am glad you are still reaching out here. The women on this board are so caring.
Dear Kearnan, reading your message was truly heartbreaking 💔 Thinking of you and sending virtual hugs and prayers that this time of transition will be pain free. 🙏🙏
“May you be wrapped up in God‘s love, found deep in His everlasting wings, carried and kept safe and cherished. May the healing power of Christ breathe across your being now.”
Dear Kearnan, I am so sorry to hear what is happening to you. You seem like a super strong woman. And extremely organized. I trust that you will know what to do and what not to do when the time comes. You will be kept comfortable. And I pray for you that it will be quick and painless. God bless you!
I hope I am not too late.
Wishing you all the best. You won’t be alone, we are with you in spirit and all the staff will look after you well.
I have loved your posts, thank you for making me laugh so much with some of your stories.
I had been thinking of you and was relieved to see an 'update'. I happened to read it right after it came in. and my initial reaction was deep sadness....for you. as I thought more...I realized my sadness was for all the other women here as well, myself included. we may all be different but we share the common thread of mbc....and it is a bitch of a disease. we go thru so much. you went thru so much. you still are.
I will miss you💛. ..a lot. and the many laughs....you can be so funny. I admire your strength and your dedication to your convictions. you were very upfront that you did not want to suffer the side effects of harsh treatment meds, opting to have nature takes its course. I think about this a lot too....that I am not sure I want to suffer through harsh side effects of treatment. the past couple of years have been rough for me and I am exhausted. I want peace. and above all...a decent quality of life! we need 'nicer' meds. we need 'individualized care plans' vs 'standard care plans'. we need a cure. all that money that goes to breast cancer research....and yet mbc is still only allotted 5% of the pie. we need a bigger slice of that pie. we deserve a bigger slice. us mbcer's comprise over 30% of the BC population. we should, at the minimum, be allotted 30% of the research funds.
kearnan....you have done this journey with very little ' in-person' support....not many that could do that. I too am single but rely heavily on my two sisters for support. my heart breaks for you that you don't have that. but you do have us! would be great for you to stay with us on-line for as long as possible. hospice is amazing....they will NOT let you suffer. they are angels😇
My heart breaks for you, I wish I lived close by so that I could visit you. You have been such an important part of this community and I will truly miss you. Sending love and prayers for peace during this difficult time.
I know you said you were logging off by Tuesday, but I hope by chance you will see this. Please sign up for hospice NOW and they can help you tremendously through the days to come and you will NOT BE A LONE. They will help through each stage to come. You are eligible. Best wishes to you for a pain free journey (hospice can help with that, too) filled with peace. Know that others do care!
I am already on a 75 mg. fentanyl patch and oxycodones for when it went to my spine. Heavy duty pain meds and yet not stopping this abdominal pain at all. Now, I am in bed more than out bc the pain drives you crazy.
Dear Kearnan.......I was heartbroken to read your post and to learn how you are feeling. I enjoyed and appreciated your interactions here, and feel like I know you. As others have said, if I was closer. I would visit! I hope you can find some peace and that hospice is able to help, if that is the way you choose to go. My liver mets are still there too, despite chemo, so who knows what will happen with me. I am not a religious person but maybe I will see you in whatever is next. I might have missed you if you have already signed off this list. Maybe all the comments and encouragement mean you have stayed on. Thinking of you my friend. I care, as do many others.
Hi Kearnan, I admire your courage in sharing your experience with us... You will not be alone... this community is embracing you with prayers and virtual hugs... May your journey be peaceful... God bless... 💕
Coincidence that I just logged on from the last time. I am getting worse fast. I am no on medication except 75 mg. fentanyl patch and 20 mg. of 5-7 oxycodone per day. I have been on that for almost two years since it hit my spine.
My stomach is grossly bloated and my onco said in October that my liver was grossly enlarged. I can feel something bulging from the right side under my breast. The stomach pain is bad and is now 24/7.
The nausea is really bad. I have to force myself to eat something. Sometimes I go two days without eating or will just have an egg or a can of soup. I never used to need to nap but the pain gets so bad and I get depressed. One day last sleep I slept more than I was awake. At least when sleeping (and I take loads of meds to sleep) is the only time I do not feel pain.
I went from feeling the pain several times a day for like 3 days to non-stop now plus I feel something bulging that was not there before. I am ready bc if the strong pain meds are not even blocking the pain, then this is just going to continue. I am depressed, not about the ending but that I am ending this alone and in pain.
I think it will be a short time from me ending up in ER. I almost went myself last week but was too scared bc I know once I go into hospital, then they will take me to hospice. My onco basically said once I got to hospital, I more than likely will not be coming home again. I specifically asked her since I live alone and need to know what to expect or what to do.
Thank you for your gracious post. It is a weird feeling constantly feeling like you need to throw up but you never do.
Dear Kearnan, I hope you can find peace in the days and weeks to come. I just wish I had a magic wand to make you better. I hope you know that your courage has touched us all. We are with you in spirit. Love and hugs Marlene
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sending you a hug deal Kearnan.
Thank you from Barb 
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