I think I’m now on about my 7th and last line of treatment and I’ve been thinking about whether it’s time for me to start thinking about looking into ill health retirement at work. But tonight a light bulb came on, and I realised that I don’t need ill health retirement from work, I need it from my family! Any ideas on who I need to apply to? 😊
ILL health retirement: I think I’m now... - SHARE Metastatic ...
ILL health retirement
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Julie2233
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67 Replies
•
Confused what that means
Sorry not really a serious question, well only semi serious. I’m still working full time but after around 7 different lines of treatment, I’m struggling to continue juggling everything and have realised that maybe I need to reduce what I’m doing, hence the application for ill health retirement from work. But today had been so stressful with the family I’ve realised that actually work is the bit I have sorted, it’s my family who are causing me to feel overwhelmed. To get ill retirement from work I speak to HR but who do I apply to to get it from at home?
Have you tried Santa? 🙃
Just love your sense of humour! That really sums it up. Not a snowball's chance of getting relief from the family. They have always relied on Mom/wife for everything. I tried the "me time" bit. Didn't work. There is always some problem that needs an answer. I now understand why women lock themselves in the bathroom. I did find one solution . We hired a cleaning lady. Wonderful.
Cheers, June S.
I’ve just written my letter!
OMG, you made me chuckle!! I so admire your sense of humor! 
I would def apply for ill health retirement and kick back a bit, will no doubt do you good!
Re: your family, that's another matter! I think it's within your rights to lay down some new rules! e.g. "Don't come to me with your problems, I have my own!"; "Be nothing but kind to me, or be gone!". Etc. I'm thinking of adopting similar...
Take care, dear Julie, please do continue to let us know how you are doing...
Lynn
Julie2233• in reply to
I suppose I could put the kids up for adoption, though at 22 and 24 they have lost some of their cuteness! 😁
Your adoption comment threw belly laughs my way. It feels so good to laugh. Thank you and I throw kisses back to you. Giggle! Giggle!
During times of challenge GOD allows humor to get us through. Yessss you had me LOL. My girlfriend tells her children who are in there early to mid thirties 
, and their children. If you don't like it here you can pack your bags, and live somewhere else 
. None of them have left, and she is now thinking of taking the apartment of a relative who she was caring for, who passed away due to ill health, who was also diagnosed with Covid-19. She just needs the approval of the landlord. Now I see why she has a drink now, and then . I do pray you will have Happy Holidays
I know how you feel, I have a family problem I am struggling with also. I don’t know who to apply to either, but if Santa gives you an answer, please share! I have a daughter-in -law I would trade for someone else’s problem!
😂 families hey!!! So stressful. We need a local Godfather we can go to!!Clare x
Make time for your friends and let the family take care of themselves. Preserve days for you only. Take care! Xx
😊 think that is part of the problem, contact with friends is now only on line or by telephone. My best friend who I used to see several times a month is in tier 4 and I’m in tier 1. So I am permanently at home and ‘available’ to the family! But I do need to get out of the house more! 😊
Hi Julie,
I can understand your frustration because my family (my dad in particular) relies on me. I thought that with this diagnosis I would not have so many expectations from others and that people would take more care of me. But I’m still the first port of call when something goes wrong, permission is being sought or I need to fix someone’s problem.
Being restricted like this is probably compounding the issues you are having. Your children are adults, so it isn’t a lot to ask them to look after themselves more by cooking, cleaning, taking care of the laundry or anything else that they might expect you to do. I spent the weekend cleaning the house (which I find a chore at the best of times) but I asked my husband for specific ways to help get it done and it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting it to be.
How about drawing up a rota or just letting your family know that at certain times of the day you will be putting your feet up with a cup of tea and a magasine? I think taking time out each day for ourselves can make a big difference. At the end of the day, we have cancer and our family members should be mindful of our need for regular rest, support and understanding. They should not have the same expectations as they did pre-diagnosis. We might still be wives, mums, or someone’s daughter, but we are also in need of support to manage our disease.
Sophie
Julie2233• in reply to
My daughter is trying to help and has taken on some of the cooking but leaves the mess - well she’s cooked so shouldn’t be expected to sort the kitchen. None of them seem to understand how much is involved in running the house - especially at Christmas. I think they all think that fairies come in the night to clean toilets! My husband complained about having to do the Christmas cards. I have a card database so the address labels are printed and all he has to do is sign them and post them. I asked the kids to do the Christmas decorations. They got the decorations out of the cellar (which I physically couldn’t do) and just left the boxes in the kitchen. So I spent the whole day yesterday (after cleaning the house the day before) putting up the tree and decorating the house. My daughter’s comment was I think there are rats in the cellar! My husband said I’d rather it had been done on the 1st December! Just before going to bed my son told me that he thinks he’s unexpectedly failed 2 of his exams which affects his visa status!
I’m on annual leave now but have spent the morning working, far fewer problems at work and problems I can solve 😊
Sorry having a good moan, but if anyone would like a slightly decrepit husband and 2 young adults, I can arrange delivery! They are all quite decorative and as a bonus I will send them with earplugs! 😂
• in reply toJulie2233
Hi Julie,
Moan away! You are entitled to do so. When you are the main person running the household others in the family can easily take you for granted, which I can completely understand. Speaking of cleaning fairies, I could have done with a few over the weekend when I was cleaning! I was sounding off to an older friend once about all the chores I had to do and she said: "It's your job, Sophie!" My husband got a real kick out of that!
During her lifetime, my mum was a stay-at-home mum and housewife while my dad went out to work. While I know my dad loved my mum, he saw her as "just a housewife" and didn't really appreciate all that she did while she was alive. It wasn't until after she had died that he admitted what a hard worker she was. There was always a freshly cooked meal ready for him every day, clean clothes laid out the night before, and everything catered to that he needed. He has had to learn to cook for himself and my brother, do his own laundry, and much more that used to be done for him.
I hope your son hasn't failed his exams. Maybe it's just one of those feelings, and he has actually passed.
Sorry, but I'll pass on your very generous offer! But I do think you might be able to whip them into shape! It just might take a bit more training!
Seriously though, please take care of yourself, Julie. Don't feel guilty or selfish for wanting to put your feet up and resting. You deserve to prioritise your health and wellbeing.
Sophie x
Julie2233• in reply to
Oh, I really thought you’d jump at the offer 😂I’m reading a really good book at the moment. It’s actually a thesis about the sociology of housework and the role of housewives in the late 60’s. I’d like to say that a lot has changed but the only things that seem to have actually changed are that we now go out to work too and have a few more appliances. Though I can’t see my daughter doing what we do.
My mum worked part time but it caused so many rows as my dad didn’t approve and thought that she was criticising him. My husband has never liked me working but I would have gone mad years ago if I didn’t!
• in reply toJulie2233
Hi Julie,
Your book sounds interesting. I studied English with sociology at university, and was quite interested in how women's roles in society have changed over time. I have to admit that in some ways things have not really changed all that much. Women are still the ones who generally do the bulk of the housework, shopping, as well as taking care of other responsibilities like paying the bills, and so on. Plus, we work secularly too! So whereas women were expected to be domestic goddesses in the 1960s and do a lot more for their husbands and children now they are also expected to be superwomen who can multi-task even more. I don't have children, so I imagine it must seem overwhelming at times when people don't always pull their weight in the family.
I'm sorry to hear that there was discord between your parents and also with your husband over your choice to go out to work. Like you, I derive a lot of pleasure and satisfaction from my work. It isn't all about the money, but being able to be self sufficient and have a purpose each day when I get up. I know there will come a time when I have to give it all up and concentrate more on my health but for now I want to continue working and feeling somewhat normal.
Sophie x
Julie2233• in reply to
My mother brought me up with the very strong view that equality and financial equality are connected 😊You’ve probably already come across this book, I think it was quite ground breaking when it was first published. The author is Ann Oakley, first published in 1974.
• in reply toJulie2233
No, I've not come across the book. I'll have to look it up.
Just logged on after the holidays. Nice to see that someone still mails cards. Nobody does that anymore. I have one former coworker who never married and who I worked with over 30 years ago but every Xmas I still get a card from her. With photos of her cat and dog. I love that she still sends cards.
I also work and have been dealing with home responsibilities but I also have an ill brother and 2 daughters 20 and 22 A Husband who helps but gets frustrated
Girls who are starting to come around but think I should still try to do more around the house. I have a cleaning person 1x a week without that I would go mad. The thing I need most is me time and trying to cope with all the other life problems and of course stayingCovid free. More and more disability sounds good I really don’t know how many lines of treatment I have. What were your last drugs. I agree work seems to be an escape and provides satisfaction. The dealing with home is unpredictable and stressful. I feel very much like you but am waiting for when the treatment has dibilating side effects to retire or I reach 65.in US we have to wait 2 years for Medicare on disability or age 65. Maybe when we juggle less our perspective will change.
My last chemo was eribulin which was stopped in early December and I’ve just had my first cycle of vorelabine. I’m 53 and my retirement age is 67. I can retire on medical grounds and receive a small pension, but as I’m helping my son with his living costs, as his American student visa doesn’t allow him to work, I’m sending him more than my pension would be each month. Though at least I don’t have to worry about paying for my medical care.
I enjoy my work and get a lot of support from my colleagues and employer 😊 which is why I’m trying to retire from my family 😁
You are priceless and so are some of your posts. If you can't pawn off your family, perhaps you can make a trade.
Problem with that is that I could get something worse! 😂
If you have a social worker at your cancer center, NY has a special medicaid for those who have stage iv breast cancer, pancreatic cancer or ovarian cancer. Only for those people. I got diagnosed while not working and then went on marketplace medicaid which ended once I started getting SSDI because then I made too much and as you stated, it is a two year wait. The social worker told me not to worry. I went on the special medicaid the day the marketplace medicaid ended with no interruptions (I had to fill out forms). Then since I was used to Medicaid paying for everything, I stupidly assumed that Medicare would be the same. Obviously not LOL....but again the social worker came through and the lawyer that comes there once a week enrolled in me a pooled trust spend-down. Because you have to pay for Medicare and on top of that there are deductibles and copays. So now once I joined in the pooled trust, I have Medicare and full medicaid (dual coverage) So I do not pay a penny for anything plus I get to keep the biggest benefit which is free private car service to and from any doctor appt., not just cancer related. I do not drive and have nobody to drive me so that is a big blessing.
But I am single so there are some financial requirements but I do not pay a penny for anything PLUS Medicaid pays my Medicare Plan B and D plan. Thank God my cancer center had these social workers, nurse navigators and the lawyer. She told me she does about 500 pooled trust funds for cancer patients.
Julie, I got a good chuckle out of your post. But seriously, I don’t know how you manage it all. Now, when my son has his own family and living separately, it’s just my husband and I which sounds easy, but it’s not. I work full-time from home due to COVID, he is out of house with a lot of hours. He helps with what he can, but I also have a cleaning lady. Reading your post, I also realized that a lot of things I was doing before big C, got dropped all together. Maybe I’m still in shock after de novo diagnosis 6months ago, and don’t pay attention to a lot of them. I’m not able to do a lot of chores due to fatigue and back pain (multiple spine mets and compression fractures). My husband is overwhelmed with basic chores and I don’t want to push too much. And somehow my expectations just dropped significantly. That’s where we’re.
Hope your family will provide you with support you need, physical and emotional.
Wishing you all the best.
Merry Christmas!
I think when you get this diagnosis you do re-evaluate what’s important, especially with reduced energy levels. I think it’s more important to do the things you enjoy.Now as you have just mentioned that your son has left home, and for some reason Sophie has declined my offer of 2 decorative young adults, I feel it’s only fair to offer them to you 😂 I’m happy to arrange delivery anywhere in the country!
I hear where you are coming from, with the compression fractures! That and the fatigue make me not much use for anything. My husband is helpful, but tends to gripe a lot, especially when he is having a bad day. We are in our 70's, no adult children at home, and already retired when I got my diagnosis.
Julie. Time for retirement from twenty year olds ... absolutely.
I needed to take an assertiveness course to help me establish strict boundaries.
Hinting, Arguing, Pleading, Guilting was not going to work.
I am so grateful for your reminder today.
I needed it.
In this together.
We can rise from our semi-servant status and claim our rights.
Some of us cannot rely on husbands/partners to protect us from the overburdening.
Some women take assertiveness course, work with a coach, get the coach to back them up.
Some women have other ways to find interventions.
I waited years to set boundaries. Some women of my generation and background were programmed to be emotional and physical responders to everyone's needs.
We expected that our work would be returned with reciprocity and gratitude.
What happened was that family members accepted our role without responding back.
Mine thought that "But she enjoys doing everything".
Assertiveness training and coaching, really helped me.
Cancer was the final straw.
Fortunately, instead of my back being broken
Boundaries were established
and I have some freedom.
Life is never perfect but sooo much better..
Yes, Me too.Family dynamics are so much more closer to home and more difficult to be assertive within!
Feeling for and with you.
The question about taking ILL retirement makes me wonder, "Will the retirement convince your family that you are really sick, or just make them think that you have more time to help them?"
Good point, well made. I hadn’t thought of that!
So all of this makes me think I need a nanny salary! I am 69 and I spent 10
Hours today catering to my daughter who is 41 and has two young children and a great husband and uses her cancer to wield terror! I watched the kids, cleaned the house, drove everyone around and to see Santa outside ( did I mention we are all Jewish?!) Julie can I add my daughter to the adoption pool? Then I came back to our airbnb and my husband had left me a total mess and forgot to put out the dog food which I had prepared!! Jeez!! I hear you all!!! Julie you need to take a mini vacation to an airbnb!
Want to come and stay with me? 😁 my kids don’t need to be taken to Santa anymore - they can drive themselves! 😊
More giggles! You are cheering me up so much, on this day. I am having a truly bad one and it is only 7:13 in the morning. Thank you so much for sharing you cleverness.XXX OOO
This is a really serious problem !! 😂🤣😂 well not really. Glad it’s cheered you up 😁
You have a fantastic sense of humor. Try to apply it when putting your foot down in front of the family's demands. The fact that you still work full time reminds me that a lot of you ladies are younger and still in the work force. I would be curious how the distribution by age looks. It seems to me that there are more younger than older ladies here. Myself, I am 66, no longer working (for money) but working plenty in the house.
Hi Julie
I retired from working on receiving my stage 4 diagnosis back in May 2018. I had worked since leaving school in 1979. I highly recommend it and have no regrets, although I miss my work colleagues.
My husband often says, he’s so pleased that he has a real wife, meaning an old fashioned one who does everything. If I ever ask for help, he’s so pleased & proud of himself , eg mowing the lawn, once in ten years, or occasionally putting the bins out ... which should be men’s jobs anyway....
I only joked the other day, that it would be an easier life to come back as a man.
I also have his 90 year old dad in our support bubble and he like being waited on too.....
I’m worn out at the moment, especially since being on Xeloda. The moment I sit down, I fall asleep.
Hey Ho.. Wish you well Julie and I hope your family help more, otherwise just do pizza for Christmas lunch 🤣
Jo xx
Hmmm, pizza, now that’s a thought .... 😁
Jo,I like your idea. Christmas Pizza sounds great.
If someone wants something else they can order and pay for door dash, or cook and clean themselves. One can present the idea cheerfully
.For me the feeling of resentment is a warning that I am doing too much.For my friend, the feeling of resentment is a warning that she is being entitled.
Go figure..
I suspect that we, here, are not in the entitlement category.
Certainly not pampered either.
So learning to establish boundaries ,in an assertive manner, might be the way for us to go.
I took two assertiveness training courses.. one in person and one on-line.
Others here have other good ideas, and your pizza idea got me smiling too.
Thank you.
I too am the wife and mother who did everything for everyone plus worked in our business. After several cycles of Ibrance and Arimidex I was very tired out and decided it was time to put my foot down. My husband and I are retired and he having been a boss is used to having everyone answer to his beck and call. I have a hard time with boundaries but have decided I value myself enough not to be everything to everyone. So....I no longer fix breakfast. My husband gets his own. I fix one meal a day and stock up on freezer dinners to stick in the oven when I am feeling very tired. I say no more often than not when my husband asks me to do something for him. It is a matter of retraining your family! I have two very supportive adult children who live a distance from us and help out a great deal when they can. I have had to retrain my own thinking in not feeling guilty when I cannot do what I did before. Saying no is hard, but it does get easier and you owe it to yourself to take care of you! I will say a prayer for you that you can work it all out. /Madlyn
All I can say is IM VERY PROUD OF YOU......
Please take care ...
be safe
Shelby
🙏🏻❤️🎄
Thank you.
Love it. I do not cook at all even for myself. I do not enjoy it nor am I good at it. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, thus I never married. I only want something that says put in oven at 350 degrees and take out in 35 minutes. I only eat primarily meat. I never cook any sides. Good for you. He will not starve. When forced to, He will learn how to make his own meals and may discover he is a good cook.
Saying no is very easy for me. Say yes is a problem Perfect word "retraining". Now is the time and good for you for putting yourself first. LOL
Dear Kearn an. Your reply made me smile. The best to you. And if you don’t mind me saying so, you really should eat some vegetables😊
The grass always looks greener on the other side. I have no family so once again (and bc of covid) I will be spending my holidays alone. They may drive you insane (vice-versa) but family is blood and they will be there forever through thick and thin. My friends who are always feuding with someone in their family will see you are so lucky not to have any family, but I know they do not mean that. But if you really want a break...
Apply for an assisted living apartment. Tell them you just want to rent it out for a month first to get a feel for it and enjoy your privacy. By that time you will miss the family again LOL...
Or just put a sign on your bedroom door, NO KNOCKING OR ENTRY ALLOWED, and THEN a footnote that you will leave the bedroom again once the month is over. Take some to read all those books or shows you want to watch alone. Hopefully you have a bedroom with a bathroom inside (I do not ) and take some candles and bubble bath and just chill.
Please take my comments as tongue in cheek, I do appreciate that I am lucky to have my family. They are just hard work sometimes. For example because I’m suffering from severe fatigue this week and don’t have the energy to cook, my husband is living on party buffet food! He’s 63 years old and thinks it’s ok to live on prawns in tempora batter, and is amazed about the effect it’s having on his tummy, which I get updated on every morning at frequent intervals. I can’t go to the bathroom without someone banging on the door and needing me to resolve an argument or find something vital - like their socks which are in their sock drawer. And in an attempt to keep him out of my office, the notice on the door didn’t work, I’ve resorted to telling my husband that I’m working on highly complex and sensitive documents that are subject to the official secrets act and if it’s known that he’s been in the office when the files are open legal action could follow (All completely untrue!) but it’s reduced him coming into the office from 5 times an hour to once an hour. It’s just all a bit much sometime and I’m just letting off steam. I have thought of renting a small house or apartment but I know that they would just follow me and I am pleased about that. So please take what I say with a huge pinch of salt 😊 and I definitely drive them nuts too!
LOL...the way you wrote reminded me of Erma Bombeck. Do you remember her? Funny. You would be surprised at how much they can do on their own when you are not available. I remember years ago about a mom with two teens and a husband who put a sign out in her lawn to her neighbors that she was officially on strike from her teens and her husband and she was doing nothing for a full month. It got alot of attention, she was on the news and the teens learned (Surprise) that they could actually do their own laundry and fend for themselves.
Too bad Good Housekeeping is not around anymore (or I assume) you could write that humorous kind of stories.
Good for you. See the below (I am going to try and copy it). I found this in the paper when I was about 21 years old and had my own apt. I thought it was hysterical bc at the time I was planning on getting married and had already told my fiance (whose mother had died three years earlier) that I was not cooking nor was I doing all the cleaning and I wanted separate hampers and we would take turns cleaning the apt. But since it was him, his father who was on disability bc of three heart attacks and a younger sister, he had taken control so he was very self sufficient. If he used a dish, he washed it immediately. He would come over to my apt. and be horrified if my sink was full and I said well I still have dishes left so he would wash, dry them and put them away.
No I don’t know Erma Bombeck but she sounds well worth reading. We still have Good Housekeeping in the U.K. but I don’t think she contributes to it 😊I had similar ideas before starting to live with my husband but they have remained mainly as wishful thinking for me 😊 I should have put my foot down from the beginning - that’s where I went wrong,
She was a USA writer for some magazines (and wrote some books) and she wrote just like you. In a no-fashion sense of being a mom and a mother but she made you laugh. She has passed now but google her. Everybody read her back in the day bc she wrote about every days Moms and all they had to do but in a humorous way like you just did so all can relate. Google her. I am sure they may have some articles she wrote or one of her books.
I will do, thanks 😊 I think a lot of mums share common frustrations. Like the belief that once the kids reach their twenties you can go to the bathroom in peace!
You need to order some of her books. They will make you laugh. (copied and pasted below)
"What is Erma Bombeck famous for?
Erma Louise Bombeck (née Fiste; February 21, 1927 – April 22, 1996) was an American humorist who achieved great popularity for her syndicated newspaper humor column describing suburban home life from 1965 to 1996. She also published 15 books, most of which became bestsellers."
On of Irma Bombeck's notes in her, "I Hate to Housekeep", book was a comment about covers on toasters. She queries, Who ever heard of dusty toast? My sister had one of those covers on her toaster and also one on her mixer. I tried to lend her the book.
My mother had a cover on the toaster- it always frightened me as I thought it was a fire hazard but I could never convince her! 😊
It’s been fun reading all of your comments. Like most of you, I did all the work at home with a husband who worked 12 hours a day and two sons( both now in their late 30’s and early 40’s). We were both retired when I got my MBC diagnosis. (I’m 72 now). With my first breast cancer my husband took two days off from work. This time he was at home but still letting me do most of the work. I had two compression fractures in my back and couldn’t do the work, much less even get up and down the stairs and in and out of bed. He did it all and after 6 weeks sat down next to me and confessed that he didn’t and hadn’t realized how much work I did. Finally! We now share the work load with some days being pretty equal and some days one or the other of us, depends on how we feel. I’m grateful for the improvement!
I did have a friend who went on strike when she was younger. She came home from work, poured herself a drink and asked what was for dinner. She kept it up for two weeks. Might be worthwhile to try if you can stand the house being somewhat messy!
Elaine
I was in my fifties and remarried for just two years when I was diagnosed, with bone mets from the get go. Fortunately, our daughters were all "out of the house" and my husband's first wife had had MS and he was "well trained" about living with a disabled wife! lol I've been able to do less and less over the 16 years I've had this rotten cancer and I think it frustrates me more than him. I still do most of the laundry and grocery shopping and often feed our dogs and cats. I worry about how my husband will cope when I finally go downhill alot more and then die! We'd both been single for long times when we first started dating and never expected to fall in love again. His friends kept telling me how much happier he was, and easier to be around. We are both still happily in love, and will celebrate our 19th anniversary in a couple of weeks! He's told me many times that as long as I can still handle our finances, pay bills, balance the check book, he'll be happy. LOL Our daughters have been good. My daughter lives in a town about 100 miles from us and calls me often and shares my goofy sense of humor and often calls just to tell me about something funny. She gets it when I tell her I have to end our phone call. My husband's two daughters and I have really grown to love and appreciate each other. They are very different from one another and the younger one and I are very much on the same wave length and she has followed the same career path I did and I love talking with her about that. Her sister is extremely extroverted, and has a gazillion friends. We don't talk as much but when we do, it's good and I feel as though I have done a good job of being step mother to two young women who had just hit adulthood when I first met them. That is a difficult role at times and I've made a point of being low key and not having expectations. I feel very fortunate! I have a good brother, too, though he lives on the other side of the country. I didn't plan on saying so much.......
16 years is inspirational 😊 sounds as though you have found a partner who has undergone a very thorough training. It’s a pity that there isn’t a training manual to go with it, I’d be first in the queue to buy it! Sounds like you have things sorted very well. I think one of the most valuable things we get from this disease is the knowledge that we have to live in the present and the future will take care of itself. 😊
Hi Julie this is Julia! You're a HOOT and it's great to meet someone with my same level of humor. I have a 21 son and a 23 year old girl - and a hubby. I'm not sure what you mean with your 7th and last line of treatment. For me, I stay positive. For instance, I tell my kids I'm not going anywhere because my goal is to ensure I'm around long enough to pay you back for all the years of hxll ... Just kidding. I decided to retire from work but haven't retired from my family yet. I just change the locks every few days - LOL ! xoxox Stay strong Julie !! And Happy New Year. xox
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