Intimacy

[Lark78]

It’s almost been a year since I have been diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer I’m 41 years old I’ve been engaged for 2 years. Before my diagnosis life was great for my fiancé and me after the diagnosis life has been a roller coaster for us. The doctors warned us both my sex drive would be low which would be a side effect from the medications and now I’m starting to experience that. My fiancé has been so patient and great but now this is starting to become a problem between us. Do any of u have an ideas on how we can get our intimacy back and what I can do to up my sex drive? I feel really bad and I feel I’m to young not to have the drive to be intimate with my fiancé.

[Kiera49]

Hi I was diagnosed 1 year ago and engaged to a wonderful partner, like you my sex drive is non existent and my partner is very patient, when we do make love I am really dry because of meds. Not sure I can give you any tips, I am going to ask doctor if she can give me something for my sex drive. We do have sex but not as often as we used to it's hard for my partner I say it's not you it's just I have no sex drive, sorry I cant help much. All the best Tracey

[Lark78 in reply to Kiera49]

Thank u for responding I do appreciate it I will check with my doc too may be she has some tips.

[hdhonda]

Lark, I am 74 so can't really identify with you. There are some products that will help with dryness. I can fully understand that this is a problem for a young couple and I hope that you two can find a solution that works for both of you. Maybe do some making out and see if you can get turned on. Best of luck and good wishes to you. Blessings Hannah

[Lark78 in reply to hdhonda]

I appreciate your response and your tip thank u 😊

[Hidden]

I’m not sure what would help but if you find out please share. I thought it was just me, stressing over having cancer, the exhaustion, the pain. It’s good to know it is the meds and not me. (But sorry you ate going through this). I have been married for 32 years (July) and my husband has been amazing.

[Rbeth in reply to Hidden]

Try all natural coconut oil.

[Dancer1000]

Hi Lark,

I was just dx in January so I am super new to this whole mets life. I had an an enormously amazing sex life with my husband and we are pretty unusual in that we have very high sex drives which thankfully we match. I am in my first several rounds of chemo and I often and not interested in sex mainly because of the pain. When I don't feel any pain we make a point of having sex, even when I don't really feel like it at first. Once we get going I'm happy we did and I also feel satisfaction from making him feel good. He is being sensitive to the fact that I may not be in the mood because of pain and he quite frankly doesn't want to hurt me in the process so so far, it has been workable.

My hair was down to my knees and I just cut it last night, practically bald after 23 years. THIS is scarier to me than lack of sex. I suddenly don't feel attractive anymore. He admits that it will take some getting use to but that he still finds me attractive and will always love me, that he is just happy I am alive.

I am a psychotherapist and at one point considered become a sex therapist. Too many wierd people in that field so I changed my mind on that specialty. However, my advice I would say sometimes fake it till you make it. When I say that, I don't mean fake an orgasm. I mean even if you aren't as turned on as you want to be, as long as you aren't in pain, have sex. I believe partners were meant to pleasure each other and sometimes it doesn't have to be about you but just for them. Also, you may want to probably try something new and see how that works out - maybe some toys if you are into that. There are tons of lubes for dryness. For lubes I would say stay with the water-based ones. You don't want silicone in your body. Best stay closer to nature as we are working towards ridding our bodies of toxins.

I hope this is helpful even if just a little bit.

Peace, light and painless sex.

[Dancer1000 in reply to Dancer1000]

Another thing is there doesn't have to be penetration if you are in pain. You may want to try purchasing some massage oil in a favorite scent and giving him a really good massage all over and more specifically where you know he will feel good. Create the environment with music, low lighting, whatever works for you both. You can bring him to orgasm in that way alone. And about the water-based lube - a fav of mine is Wet Original Water-Based Premium Lubricant. You should be able to get that at a Walmart's, Target, etc...

[Lark78 in reply to Dancer1000]

Thank u so much I knew that already but I needed to hear it because I was starting to doubt myself a bit and I was starting to feel inadequate but that really helped a lot. Thanks again 😊

[Lark78 in reply to Dancer1000]

Very helpful thank u so much my energy is pretty low but I’m just going to push myself because this is very important to me😊

[Rbeth]

Try all natural coconut oil.

[Julie2233]

I echo everything that Dancer1000 says.

Much of our sex drive comes from our head. From experience I would say that even if you don’t feel like it, try, but take it slowly, you will probably need longer for the feelings to build.

Concentrate on your partner and giving him pleasure because that will take the focus off you. When you have a voice in your head saying this isn’t going to work, it won’t. By concentrating on your partner it’s not about you and that doesn’t mean that your needs aren’t important but taking the pressure off yourself will lead to you being able to relax and be in the moment. If that makes sense.

Talk to your partner, explain that you need him to make you feel more attractive. Men often just assume that we know that and don’t always realise that’s important.

Toys and lubrications can also help and remember that you don’t have to have penetration for a satisfying experience.

Just as everything else in our lives nothing is ever the same but it doesn't mean that it can’t be just as good or even better, we just need to think creatively and give things time.

If you have a loving understanding partner who you can talk to you, are already streets ahead.

[Lark78 in reply to Julie2233]

Thank u so much I knew that already but I needed to hear it because I was starting to doubt myself a bit and I was starting to feel inadequate but that really helped a lot. Thanks again 😊

[Julie2233 in reply to Lark78]

After everything we have been through it would be amazing if we didn't have issues, but it's something that just doesn't get discussed. Everything in our culture seems to be about other people having amazing sex lives, it's no wonder we have times when we doubt ourselves and feel different.

I think a lot of women will be reading your post, realising that they are not the only person in the universe to be feeling what you've expressed and inwardly thanking you for writing it.

[Lark78 in reply to Julie2233]

I admit I was afraid to post this but another part of me had to ask because I have realized through my journey that I’m not alone and I’m not the only one who goes through similar situations and sometimes if u just ask u will find a host of information out there. Thank u for replying I appreciate that so much 😊

[NamasteLove]

I second the coconut oil. It really can be used from head to toe- and beyond!

[MJ_Michigan38]

Hi Lark, I can relate very much to what you’re going through, and from one mets sister to another, I am sorry you’re going through this. My husband and I are 39, and when I started my treatment in May 2019, I very quickly lost my sex drive. In the beginning, I think it was partly due to the fear and terror of my diagnosis, the realization that I would not grow old with my husband, and my anger towards my body for betraying me. Then as my ovaries shut down, I began to feel tremendous pain when we would try intercourse. I did some research, and Memorial Sloan Kettering recommended (online) using a vaginal dilator. I bought a set from Vuvatech, and basically you use these smooth plastic dilators to very gently stretch the lining. You start with a small size, leave it in for 20 minutes, and over time work your way up to the largest size. Eventually, you should be able to have intercourse without much (if any) pain. And we use a lubricant called “Slippery Stuff,” which is waterbased and so closely mimics a woman’s natural lubrication. Do be careful with using things like coconut oil—just because something is natural doesn’t mean that it’s safe to put inside you. Slippery Stuff is a game changer for me, but I would discuss with a gynecologist or your oncologist, if you trust him or her.

[Lark78 in reply to MJ_Michigan38]

I am so sorry u are going through this as well and all those feelings u just described is exactly how I’ve felt and in some instances how I’m still feeling...I will check both products out thank u so much for your reply I really appreciate u. May God continue to bless u through this journey 💜

[MJ_Michigan38 in reply to Lark78]

You’re so welcome! Oncologists often don’t discuss these side effects with their patients. I know mine hasn’t. It’s hard to talk about. But this disease takes so much from us, it shouldn’t take this too. X

[SunshineBoss]

Talk with your gynecologist. He/she can prescribe something for you for the dryness. May help with the desire as well. This is one of the bad side effects of the drugs we take. ❤️

[Lark78 in reply to SunshineBoss]

I definitely plan to do that thank u

[Barbteeth]

Hi there

In a way it’s better to be older with mbc as that side of my life is over anyway

It was bad enough having a mastectomy when I was 40 and my husband never saw me with only one breast as I was too embarrassed

We would always have sex with me wearing a bra or something to cover me up

When I started the menopause and had been cancer free for about 12 years my doctor prescribed me a topical oestrogen called Vagifem which was brilliant for lubrication

However although this product is allegedly safe for ladies who have had breast cancer....a little voice in my head wonders if it contributed to my recurrence...I asked my oncologist about this and she said no....she prescribes it now as she agrees that qualify of life is important so that allayed my fears

Perhaps you might ask about it as I think the oestrogen dose is lower now and studies have shown it’s safe

However things like coconut oil are more natural

Also on a feminist note...our partners should be more understanding....what if the situation was reversed and sex was painful for them?? I for one wouldn’t expect him to be uncomfortable

That’s my opinion but then I’m 66 and have probably forgotten how good lovemaking used to be!!!

Barb xx

[Lark78 in reply to Barbteeth]

No I appreciate your reply 😊 thank u and may God continue to bless u through your journey

[Bishtown]

If your cancer is hormone fed, and your doctor put you on letrozole, the letrozole is made to keep your body from producing hormones. The lack of hormones is reason for no sex drive. Sadly, you don’t want to add something to help your body produce more hormones…that would be counterproductive. This is just a side effect of your treatment.