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Husband changed towards me

Hi ladies

Since my diagnosis of mbc last April I feel as if my husband has become a stranger

He’s joined a gym a running club and plays golf 3 times a week..it’s as if he doesn’t want my boring Ill person company..it’s as if he’s already organised his new life without me

He’s always showing off about his fitness and how good he looks for his age etc...really annoys me..for example today Its very windy so he can’t play golf so he’s gone off for a walk..anything to be away from me ( or that’s how I perceive it)

I don’t just sit around..been to my yoga class this morning..relaxing this afternoon with a book then going to a fashion show with a friend this evening

It upsets me sometimes..he thought my little infrared sauna was funny when it came the other day..ha not funny being in pain!!

Am I the only one who’s husband has changed?.. I appreciate he’ll be on his own one day but I would have thought he’d want to spend time with me whilst I’m here

If I wasn’t in this predicament I’d leave him..

Barb xx

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Hi Barb,

I'm sorry to hear that things are not going well with your husband at the moment.

You mentioned golfing, the gym and running, but how about horses? Does your husband share your love of horseriding? If so, I would arrange to go horseriding with him or find something else you can do together as a couple. Or how about arranging a romantic date night once a week?

My husband likes to golf as well. I'm not interested in it, but I might start going with him to keep him company when the weather improves. He normally goes with a friend on a Sunday.

I would talk to him about how you are feeling. He might not realise how his actions are affecting you, especially when he talks about his good health (that would annoy me too).

Didn't you mention recently that you have booked a couple's holiday with your husband? Maybe that's what you both need so you can spend some quality time together.

Oh and another thing, you can't say for sure that your husband will be left alone. We can live for many years with this disease.

I hope things improve for you, Barb.

Sophie ❤

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Oh thanks Sophie

I feel a bit nasty posting this but where else can I vent?

As for horses..I’ve had Monty for 13 years and Bugsy fir 11years and he’s never even come up to see them!!.. so the answer to the riding question is NO

We’re going out with the girls on Saturday for my belated birthday meal..didn’t do anything on the actual day

I guess I ought to have it out with him..think I’ll ask my therapist next time for advice

You’re so kind thank you

Barb xx

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I don't think you are being nasty at all, Barb! We all need to vent from time to time. It might be a good idea to talk to your therapist and your husband.

Take care,

Sophie ❤

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Hi barb!!! Sorry to hear about that but it’s common. We are more sensitive to all actions and I thought I was seeing some negative things with my husband and even my friend. My husband was looking at old cars and acting different somehow. I had to stop and think that he is going through something too and doesn’t know how to cope with it.Sexually we are the same but I am not feeling the same about it. Talk to him about it -the feelings you have. I feel more selfish than before and he does too it’s like we feel Time is running out. We will have many years to go if God is willing. With my friend I felt like she was pulling away maybe didn’t know what to say in the beginning but now things are ok between us but will never be the same. Talking to a counselor will help just remember not to beat yourself up with this. We didn’t ask for it-it’s a bitter pill to swallow-talking to him and telling him how you feel will help.

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Hey Barb, I feel for ya. He sure is being crappy. I guess it could be coming from fear. But anyhow, do something nice for yourself. I hope you have a great time at the fashion show.

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It’s not from fear and I feel he’ll be happier when I’m out of the way and he can have his nice little life with my substantial money which I’ve saved for retirement ...I feel resentful and angry..

This is so unlike me..I’m a nice person and worked all my life in healthcare helping others and to be just disregarded is so hurtful

Rant over

Barb xx

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Barb,

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. We all know how dreadful this disease is and without support from our significant others, it is even more challenging. Please don't feel bad about venting, that's why we're here!

My story is a little different. Prior to my diagnosis, I was thinking of separating from my hubby because I felt we had grown apart, we have two school age daughters so I was hesitant to do anything. After my diagnosis, I was very open with him and told him that things needed to change and we have grown closer. We still have very different views and interests but we are "softer" with one another and I feel supported.

I think soliciting advice from your therapist is a great idea. Hopefully, your husband will come around and give you the love and support you deserve.

xo Jade

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Thanks Jade

Before my mbc I couldn’t care less what he did hobbywise as I was working and had my hobby

Now I’ve had to retire suddenly because of mbc and in pain and he just seems to be going further away physically and emotionally..

I may as well be on my own

Barb xx

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I’m so sorry to hear you are still suffering from pain, it makes everything harder! Did your surgery make it worse? Have you had radiotherapy?

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Hi

The surgery just seemed to move the pain around to a different area but I wasn’t to know so I guess it was worth trying although some days I wish I hadn’t bothered

I did have radiotherapy to the fracture before surgery which actually made the surgery more difficult to do as the bone had hardened..can’t win!!

I just increase the painkillers but it isn’t ideal but if I don’t then I’m miserable as I can’t do anything

Thanks for your lovely text

Barb xx

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Hi Barb,

Let's all agree not to apologize for venting. This is our safe place, and if anyone has a right to vent, it's us (I know it should be "we," but it just sounds so awkward). You have mentioned several times that your husband seems distant, does not seem to spend time with you, has his own thing going on. Is this all brand new or were there hints of this before? I would definitely run this past your therapist first, because in the heat of the moment, we don't always communicate effectively. We get emotional, and then things can turn South fast, with nasty back and forth and finger pointing. Write down what it is you need from him and what you're not getting. Are you jumping to conclusions that he is preparing to be on his own (as Sophie says, who's to say he won't cross over first?) because you are so hurt?. Maybe this is his way of coping with his own anxiety over your situation, although it does seem extreme. Your therapist is an objective 3rd party who can help you structure a discussion with your husband. It is soooo hard to be lonely in a couple. Much worse, I think, than being physically alone. Sounds like the communication between you two has broken down. I've gone thru that with my husband. I also "vent" to my therapist and she has helped me rein in my instincts to either withdraw or get in his face, which of course he just sees as nagging. Keep being social with friends and enjoying your horses. Let your therapist help you with the marriage part. In our situation, our options do seem more limited, but we deserve to be happy and surrounded by the support of the people who are supposed to love us.

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You always seem so wise and I appreciate your reply

I’m all mixed up and don’t know what to do

I’ll certainly discuss this with my therapist and go from there

Barb xx

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I am not wise, just been there done that. It’s very hard being married. It’s easy to fall into a rut. My marriage is no stellar example of marital bliss. I’m a typical first born. Bossy, opinionated and impatient. My husband is a typical youngest sibling. Entitled, spoiled and he’s a man. It gets ugly sometimes. He also doesn’t always seem to remember I have stage 4 cancer and I take meds that take a lot out of you. I’m working on my issues. I also am forced to work on his. He won’t go to therapy, and that’s another story. Thank goodness I have a therapist. And good friends. Everything you are feeling is natural. Talk nicely to yourself. Take a deep breath. It won’t be easy, but you can figure this out with help.

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Hey there - I don't have any magic words, but echo what others have said. If you can't be unfiltered here, where can you be?

I agree with talking to your therapist and then your husband about your concerns.

I don't know your husband, but it may be coming from a place of fear - he feels like he can't control what is going on with you - but he can control his fitness and golf. Also, he may be withdrawing from you without truly realizing (?)

Anyway, big hugs to you xoxo

Em

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Thanks Em

Barb xx

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Barb I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Again like others have said this is definitely the place to vent and share feelings. Keeping them in is not good for our wellbeing and health at the best of times and certainly not during this disease process. In a successful marriage, we see our partner as the go-to person in our time of need. When one or both people in that relationship doesn't feel that comfortableness anymore the link is broken and usually everything spirals in a negative way in our minds.

First take a look at your relationship before this diagnosis and how dramatic a change is it? If significantly different then I would agree that some of his actions seems extreme. However I don't know if you remember the book from years ago ' Men are from mars, women are from venus' but it is a proven fact that men and women have very different ways of showing emotional support. For some marriages, these differences can cause misinterpretations, which can lead one or the other to feel they’re not getting the support they want and need. That, in turn, can foster a breakdown in emotional connectedness.

I think talking with your therapist is a great idea and write down your thoughts and what your perceptions of some of the things your husband is doing is making you feel. When we think of things from an angry state then everything seems so much more exaggerated that it is. I'll give the example of your new sauna.....remember when you first looked at it online did your first thought be how funny it looked? I'm am sure that no matter what is going on with your husband he was not laughing at the fact that you had bought this sauna for your pain control.

Again I am truly sorry and I hope that a new day and talking with your therapist will make things better. I think spouses of women dealing with this disease are going thru feelings of hopelessness, fear and often not sure what to do and say. Getting back to communication and telling him what your expectations are with your relationship is paramount. He honestly may not even realize what he is doing and like another poster mentioned....feels he has no control over you and your disease so he is focusing on what he can control.

Enjoy the fashion show and vent here whenever you need to. We are here for you and from the bottom of my heart I do care.

Sandra

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No, you’re not the only one going through something like this. Similar situation here. My husband just doesn’t get it or chooses not to get it (by “it” I mean living with metastatic cancer). Our perspectives of what I am going through are completely divergent, so the things he chooses to do (in his case, it’s work, not hobbies) are not impacted by the physical and emotional struggles that come with living with MBC.

I think your husband’s behavior is awful and I agree with the other ladies…the next best step is to seek your therapist’s guidance. I really feel for you and hope you can get some resolution.

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Hi Barbara

I’m relieved that it’s not just me being brushed off by a husband

I actually almost hate him at the moment..he’s so selfish

I’m going to do my own thing from now on

Barb xx

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Barb, so sorry you have to go through this. I agree that speaking to your therapist is a good idea, planning more things to do together and talking to your husband about how you feel is so important. The insanity of this diagnosis affects us and everyone around us! But we have to talk more to those we love about how we feel. Do not ever apologize for venting! That's why we are here for each other! Where else can we go to find people who truly understand! Love and hugs, Marianne

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Thanks Marianne

It’s a difficult time but I’m not going to be just ignored by him

Barb xx

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And you shouldn't be ignored!!!!! Speak to him from your heart.

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Barb, l am so sorry you're going through this!

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Hi barb. Sorry to read you’re having to deal with this. We’re going though enough without having to worry about relationship problems. I can only really echo what others have said.

I’d definitely tell him how he’s making you feel. Maybe it is his way of coping and he doesn’t realise how sad it’s making you.

The way things are going with treatments, you could be around for a lot longer than you may believe. What if you’re still here in ten years time? You’ll of spent that whole time unhappy in your marriage.

If anything, cancer has taught me that we need to live for today. If there’s something in our lives we’re not happy with then we must try to change it.

In the meantime, I’d access some of that money you’ve saved for retirement and really enjoy it. If you’re still here at retirement age you’ll just have a bit less to spend then. If it’s tied up in your pension, Macmillan can help you access it. As my mam keeps telling ‘me there’s no pockets in shrouds’

I’d also be demanding your oncologist does something more about your pain, as that can only make you miserable. Xxx

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Hi Ange

Omg..I’m going spending!!

I went to a fashion show last night with a friend and bought a few things which cheered me up and I’m going to get my nails done on Monday

You’ve cheered me up

Barb xx

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Go for it Barb. Nails, hair, shoes, bags, clothes, perfume. Make yourself feel fabulous. 😀🥂 xxx

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You mean like Patsy from Ab Fab!!!

Barb xx

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Absolutely. 😂 why not, I love Ab Fab. Xx

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So much of what we have is because of me, so I buy what I want, go where I want, etc. Less for the next woman he may marry. But, that is to say I go first. You never know. My father was supposed to die, his second wife was planning on putting him in a nursing home and she suddenly got sick and died in 4 months. My dad lived aother 18 years. You never know. Poetic justice!!

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I can relate. My husband has withdrawn and is snappy towards me. It may just be his way of dealing. I have started doing whatever I want and if he wants to be included fine, if not that’s fine too. I would rather spend time together but hey, try not to stress cuz that’s not healthy. People are all different when it come to coping. Take care of YOU. Eat healthy, exercise when you can, find a creative outlet, meditate and be happy. Heck, there’s a very good possibility that we will outlive then so YOU come FIRST. 😊💚

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You are so right

I’m putting myself first from now on!!!

Hope I outlive him and have the last laugh

Barb xx

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Hahaha. I hope so too. If you go by what we see on TV a new woman would kill him anyway just sayin’ . Gosh, makes you feel sorry for the little fella. 😂

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That made me smile

Barb xx

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I would write him a letter telling him what you need from him. Keep it pleasant and friendly. Men use avoidance to “deal” with things they can’t cope with. If you pleasantly tell him what you need you are far more likely to get it then by attacking him for what he isn’t doing or doing right.

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That’s something to consider...never thought of a letter

Thank you

Barb xx

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I often write my feelings down in an email when I want to discuss something serious. Sounds weird but my husband does not process quickly enough for me and needs time to digest. It seems to work well in past few years so i go with it. By the time he gets home from work, he is usually fine with whatever I had to say and he does not seem to resent it. At least he does not show that at all!! So that is fine with me.

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I sometimes do that for the same reason ! :) (especially since he had an old habit of being very defensive)

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Hello Barb, I feel bad that you are going through this at this time. I really read what you said and I see you said it wasn't as great before this as well. Sounds like it was on the outside before your diagnosis. Anyways, I feel your pain! You must do what's good for you. What's going to bring less stress and more happiness. Don't let a Illness limit you and your happiness! We all know stressing is NOOOO GOOD at this time and YES that can be a Spouse. What a lot of people need to realize is that because it worked for them it will work for you. WRONG! Hell right before my diagnosis I found out my significant other was cheating on me. Not with 1, not with 2, not 3, not 4 but 5 different women! Not even 24 hours after my double mastectomy and Reconstruction he was scheduling a date with one of THEM. Lol, he thought I was doped up on the Moriphin. But I wasn't because it made me Ill. Sad thing is, he was STILL VERRRRY supportive of me and my illness at the time. So the day before Mother's day last year I let him have it and I walked away! One of the best things I could have done! If you have children, don't let that be a reason you stay. Let it be the reason you leave! Your children don't want to see you hurting like that. The saying I can do bad all by myself is so true! If you KNOW a person has no interest in you before THIS, why wait and see what will happen if this or that or use what your going through as something to hopefully make a person care. Jeremy cared but was still unfaithful to me his wife. It's going on a year and I'm living my BEST LIFE!!!!! Yes it hurt me, but it hurts MORE to know of what was going on and something that could have physically harmed me more. Everyone around me asked and all wondered in Amazement when I began working 2 jobs and going to school on Campus 2 nights a week while raising my 3 wonderful children 15, 14 & 3 on my own. Not even a year in I feel so much better. I am a walking miracle I say! We LADIES are FUCKING PHENOMENAL!!!! WE NEED TO START REALIZING OUR WORTH! You have to do what is good for you! You sleep with him every night love, NOT your therapist. Sorry so blunt, but somethings you have to talk it out within yourself. Take yourself somewhere special and do something special for YOU! OH and my children are happier as well, because they didn't have to come home to their Mother crying out loud because of pain their father caused. But now they hear my joy! Some of us show pity to ourselves and think because we have to deal with this, that we need others to carry us through. We don't! We are some of the MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATURES CREATED! THE STRONGEST, THE TOUGHEST! WE ARE WOMAN! Stay strong Barb, sorry but can't see through my tears. Wish I was there to give you hug, but here's one from me andy family out here in Houston Texas. No stress (if possible), pray if you believe in that higher power and DON'T loose faith (I was almost there), look for positive people and vibes, don't take your diagnosis and lay down. Get UP! Promote yourself, your beauty and YOIR STRENGTH!!!! People wondered why I never looked sick! Because I wasn't sick, I was just battling something temporarily! Much love Barb ❤️

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Gosh you’re amazing to come through all that surgery and trauma and go it alone

My girls are 30 and 26 and not at home

At least he’s not having affairs (I think!) in fact does nothing horrible it’s just his indifference to me and obsession with himself and his needs

You ladies have given me varied advice all of which I’m taking on board

Seeing therapist soon so will discuss

Love to you

Barb xx

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I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I have read and agree with all the other ladies. I am a widow of 7 1/2 years so I am facing this with the support of my daughter and friends. I don't know how my husband would have handled my life now but I don't think he would have been as patient with me as I was of him. Keep doing the things you enjoy, talking to your therapist and hopefully you can talk to your husband about your feelings. I really felt alone in my new life now, didn't know anyone with MBC. Since finding this group I don't feel alone, you all have been a God send to me. I will be praying for you.

Hugs

Robin

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There is a really good book available on Amazon called Breast Cancer Husband. It is written for men whose wives are undergoing treatment for breast cancer. There is a chapter that deals with similar issues to what you presented and suggestions for the husband on how to support the wife. Maybe this book could help.

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Thanks Bubble

Didn’t know such a book existed..will check it out

Barb xx

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Hopefully its just his way of coping right now and it will pass. Speaking from one that its my sister fighting this disease and there's not a darn thing I can do to make it go away.

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Thank you

That does put a different perspective on things

Barb xx

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I’m so sorry to hear this. You need support now not more to worry about.

My husband has stepped up and been amazing. He is exercising more also but at home. I think mine is doing so as my cancer has made him look at himself and say “I need to be healthy for her”.

Maybe your husband is keeping busy as he is scared of what is happening to you and he is trying to avoid the truth? The only way to know is set him down and make him talk.

Good luck ❤️

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Barb - I’m sorry for your distress. I would like to offer a different take than other posters. Perhaps an alternative perspective will help you figure out other options. Respectfully, I don’t see in your post that you’ve sat down with your husband and specifically shared your concerns and the support you want from him. Until you do, how can he really know how you feel and what you need from him? Until you do, how can you truly know what’s in his head and heart? Until you do, how can you relieve this anxiety? I’m not letting him off the hook. But, you were very independent before your diagnosis. Perhaps he’s continued his independence because you’ve not been specific enough about what you now need. I agree with another poster that men handle lists better. I find it’s easier if I give my husband a to do list he can wrap his head around — with an occasional reminder though!😀. I agree with the poster who suggested a nicely written letter. You can work on it with your therapist. It should be non-confrontational and list what things he can do or say to help. Right now, it sounds like you are trying to read his mind, versus identifying what you want from him and coming up with a plan on how to make that happen. Good luck.

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Hi. Talk to your doctor. This isn’t uncommon. The doctor can point you in the right direction to see a therapist or a counselor you can see together. If he won’t go, go yourself. My husband and I see an oncology therapist about once a month. Good Luck. Blessings. Reenie

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Oh thanks Renee

I’ve just started seeing a councellor and I’ll run this past her on Tuesday

Barb xx

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Barb what you describe about him screams out "narcissist" to me. I used to have one like that too. Google online for "narcissist traits". See if it doesn't sound like your husband. It can be VERY hurtful to be ignored or feel less than by your spouse. Ask yourself has he really "changed" or "just revealed his true self" to you? It's hard to tell when your really close to them and want to love them! You can't change people. EVER. They can be very toxic! You may feel guilty or a burden. However really look at how they treat others in their life.

When it's "all about them" it secretly was all about them from the start. They just don't reveal their true selves until later. Leaving you longing for the old days that really have been a lie. At least that's how my story went. Advice? I have no advice on how to kiss his butt or "TRY" to make him care. It doesn't happen. Seek out some ppl with good hearts who care about you. As far as him maybe "being to scared" to deal with your illness". NO it's because they are selfish. They stare in the mirror a lil bit too long flexing their muscles. They are never satisfied with their own life. It's like they didn't get enough attention as a child. Something is missing in there that can't be fixed by a horse ride or a counseling session. You can't win. This hits just a little too close to home for me. I'm long gone from my "Greek Adonis" the aging teenager. I've remarried last Dec. Finally. However I've been there. I pray for you Barb. You deserve better!

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Hi there

The aging teenager!!..how right you are..in fact I said to him not long ago ‘have you looked in a mirror lately!!’..yes a lot of what you said rings true..men in general are selfish

I’m not feeling like I want to split up just yet as I don’t think that stress would be beneficial to me and I’m going to be selfish for a change and put me first

I have some chums..mainly horsey girls who are like minded and like a laugh so I’ll see them more often

I fortunately quite like my own company and if I wasn’t in so much pain I would head off more

I ride on my own a fair bit as my friends are younger than me and work during the week..in summer though we ride out in the evening which is fun

Thanks for your post..good to know other ladies are or have been in this situation

Barb xx

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Hi. Barb!

In this post you say that you like your own company and would be “off more if you weren’t in so much pain”!

I agree with both lines of advice you are getting; but this particular piece of information may be the “KEY” thing for you to begin evaluating & then making a plan to discuss 1st with therapist then with hubby or just leave because you think he’s been this way before diagnosis (ex not being interested in ur horses) I that I think maybe before your pain it didn’t bother you so much what he did cuz you liked your own company...but now you may actually not like your own company as you are I’ll? I know it’s very hard to be content when your in pain—so you may also have a bit of pent up anger or misdirected anger that I think therapist is best choice as your first step.

I hope what I’ve said isn’t harsh; but since my 1st Dx with stage 1 & double mastectomies and 7 years cancer-free before stage 4 diagnosis I’ve lost almost all my friends (like 5 out of 7; but I feel quality is better than quantity) ; but I think they were never really “true friends” to begin with.

The quality is a good weigh to weigh in on you & hubby’s relationship. I think maybe he is just scared too and maybe needs reassurances that “...he will be just fine without you (hopefully eons &infinite lightyears away); but I agree Men are from Mars—god forbid he recognize your situation and put that first vs dealing with his own fears/issues about your illness & his own mortality! I think the Breadt Cancer Hysband nook would be a mandatory emerald for him & you—you could use that as a bridge for discussion; you could also read it first & use highlighter if things in book are similar to your situation currently; I guess that would be a more subtle “LIST” (agreed that men are bit more black n white& a list is good place so you don’t get rash/arguments)

then give him day or so to digress and schedule a coffee shop visit to discussed; followed by makeover. Much luv & best wishes on being well for many years to come!

Hope to be helpful; not hurtful!

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You’re not hurtful at all

Thanks

Barb xx

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Barb yes I understand why you wouldn't want to leave right now. Yeah I could write a book about that kind of thing. True all men are selfish but some can be compassionate and more atune to your needs and suffering. You mentioned somewhere up in the comments you always worked and thought he would want to be with you now. I get that. It's the minute you can't do what THEY need and expect....they change. I used to spend a lot of time wondering "what did I do wrong" when in the end...sometimes it's just "them".

Sorry you are in pain. Hang in there. Do what you need to do for you

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Yes so true

As I’m in pain I can’t do long walks as I have to stop now and then till the pain eases off..whereas I could tramp for miles before mbc..so he gets impatient with me so no way am I going with him as I feel inadequate and rubbish..that’s the sort of thing that upsets me..so he goes off by himself

At least I’m still able to ride my horse..not like I used to but Bugsy doesn’t care.. lol ..so I just go out till I’m tired then go back...my horsey girlfriends understand and we go out for steady rides

Barb xx

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I am so sorry your husband is not as caring as you would like him to be at this challenging time in your life. My ex-husband was a basket case. I would catch him crying, even as I stood strong trying to comfort him. Unlike your husband I actually didn't want my husband around me 24/7 crying like he was at my funeral. I found a care givers support group for him, but he refused to go. During the mid way of my treatment he wanted to take a (3) month leave from work. I thought Lord/God Noooooo , even in my extreme pain, I thought Lord please you will have give me some additional strength to push him out the door to go to work, even though we were financially secure. Add to that his family history of Bipolar, and Schizophrenia, which was hidden from me by family members who also didn't want their mental issues known either. Most men approach what they see as a problem differently than the majority of us woman do. Men want to fix problems. It seems like, because your husband can't fix your situation, he is feeling out of control, and is finding control in his life by finding an almost addiction to being physically fit. Maybe the more he is in contact with you he sees his inability to fix your situation, which he feels is part of his job as your husband.Your husband seems to be confusing strength with insensitivity. Maybe you can find a men's caregiver group that he will attend, which can help him with what he is feeling, and will give him some insight on how to understand what you are going thru. These groups can give him some ways to be more sensitive to your feelings/needs. May God give you, and your loved ones what you all need to support each other, especially at this challenging time. God bless you sister/warrior.Stay strong XoXoXo

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Hi

What a lovely reply..I agree with you about having them around too much..I do like my own company and that of my friends

I don’t think I could cope with someone crying around me..I’m the one whose entitled to cry!!..I’m the one in pain and scared

I think there’s a bit of attention seeking for them..poor things having a wife with cancer etc..or am I beyharsh..mine took it upon himself to broadcast my diagnosis after I just found out I had mbc..without my permission..I was furious

Barb xx

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Wow we definitely see eye to eye, but remember we women see things differently than men, especially the significant other men in our lives. Yessssss there was a point when I wanted to smack my husband like Cher dd in that movie, and say snap out of it, but I was in too much pain at the time. God forgive me. LOL

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Thinking about the Cher movie..was it ‘Moonstruck’??

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Yesssssss the movie is Moonstruck . Either I am getting older, or chemo brain is still affecting me. I refused to Google the question. Thank-you sister/warrior

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I only remember because I saw it recently on tv..Nicholas cage is gorgeous in it!!!

Barb xx

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I really don’t know what to say other than it sucks. Do you think he is in denial and if stays away doing his own thing it’s really not happening?? No excuse. For better or worse, in sickness and in health.... I am so sorry you are having to deal with this on top of dealing with MBC. Does he know how you feel? Do you think he would consider seeing a therapist. I don’t know just some suggestions.

Take care and you will be in my prayers.

Kim

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Thanks so much Kim

There’s no way he’d consider a therapy..too up his own a...

Barb xx

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Oh, Barb, what a shame that you're struggling with this!

I read yesterday, began to write a response, then stopped myself, because I’m a bit of an oddball and contrarian, and life has taught me to mostly keep my mouth shut.

What follows is way too long…so, life is short, feel free to skip, and other readers, please do skip it’s a freakin’ novel! :)

I'll admit up front that I am not great with emotional or relationship-type advice/support...so I think I'd be doing you a favor by not offering any (! :) ), but I truly do want you to be happy (another reason I should keep my mouth shut....), but I feel compelled to reply.

Coming from a place where obviously I know nothing about you, your husband, your relationship, your friends, and add every other caveat in the book...If you were sitting across from me, glass of wine in hand, I'd look you in the eye and say:

You've got you, babe! (sonny & cher, sort of....)

I would suggest that you disconnect from the idea that anyone is more powerful than you are to make you happy or unhappy.

It might sound cynical, or even lonely, but I view it as empowering. You don't need anyone...even your husband. The fact that you're with him is great, or fine, or whatever. I'm not saying leave him...I'm just saying shrink him in your mind space.

YOU need to make you happy, do special things for yourself, spend time with people (e.g. friends...) who bring you comfort or fun or whatever you decide you need.

Prioritize those things that are important to you...is it adventure? pampering? going to live in a cave for a week? a month? Finally getting those photos organized?

Get / take these things, with zero guilt/remorse. You are at a time in your life when you need relationships from which you get at least as much as you give, and probably way more than you give. That's not selfish, it's just true. And that’s not to underestimate what you can give by modeling how to go through this…

It's like over the years you have dinners with friends...sometimes you pay, sometimes they pay, it all evens out in the end -- or if it doesn't, that's okay. If someone's on a tighter budget, you pay. And vice versa.

You’re on a tight emotional budget, and in need of calories and nutrition (just to keep the dinner metaphor going…). Take, and the people who matter will happily give. Access them and don’t look back. Not everyone is a giver, or maybe not all the time, due to emotional makeup or distraction or whatever; it’s not your concern.

I’m teleporting into your life….successful dentist, with loyal patients; accomplished, caring horsewoman; inspiring, earnest, honest member of an online community…and I have no doubt that you’re amazing in ways we cannot possibly even have glimpsed….

Don’t cook dinner, don’t even think about cleaning, even to prepare for the cleaning people, they probably get it more than anyone.

Go to a cave, or to Morocco (okay, I’m now transferring my dream… :) ), or proudly sit in your FIR sauna, or hire someone to help you organize photos. Throw your own birthday party or sit with your horses and share peppermints, maybe tossing yours into a plastic cup of prosecco… :)

This is a probably awful thing I’m going to reference….For my 40th or so birthday my parents sent me a book…just because they thought it was a good book, plus it referenced our Norwegian heritage…I fell over laughing, but I’m odd that way. It’s called: We All Die Alone. About some Norwegian dude who survived the most unimaginable trials as he lost toes, feet, god knows what, swimming trough the north Atlantic, trekking through the snow, etc, etc, etc. it was excrutiating…but you know what? These past few years I’ve thought of this many times. It doesn’t make me sad, it makes me feel strong. And where we are, not to mention where we’re going, is unknowable to most people. To me, it feels like a superpower. We don’t need to give a flying XYZ, and we don’t need to make this easier on the people around us.

That’s my left-field rant, dear Barb. Just offering a different point of view… :) With love, Lynn

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Wonderful rant

Thank you Lynn

Barb xx

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I am so sorry that your husband does not show empathy, I have some issues with my husband too, there was some days that I felt overwhelmed with his behavior but I let him know what is upsetting me and I try not to think about it and not to focus on what is he doing, He helps me a lot with the chores in our home. Some men are selfish, I try to enjoy my life as much as I can. God bless you

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I've just read lynnfish's reply and agree completely with everything she says. My husband was self centred and selfish long before my diagnosis and like many women I took on responsibility for his unhappiness. Just before my diagnosis some thing happened and it struck me like a bolt of lightening that we are responsible for our own happiness. I'd spent more than 20 years of my life trying to make him happy and waiting for him to do the same for me. I realised it wasn't going to happen so I stopped. Very little changed except I felt better.

I did try to talk it through with him but I didn't get anywhere. This meant that I knew I'd tried and I'd given him the chance to do something, a bit like a letter before action in legal terms :-)

I took up my own interests and developed my own group of friends. It is sad but sometimes you have to accept that not everyone gets that perfect reciprocal marriage we are all taught to expect as children. Work out what you need to make you happy and find the people who are prepared to support you to do this, you might find it makes him wake up, but if not you haven't really lost anything.

My husbands favourite saying used to be 'get a life', well I eventually took his advice and got one which didn't have him at the centre of it 🙂 If your husband can't give you the support and understanding you need find it from other sources. It will be out there (and I don't mean have an affair! 🙂)

If talking to him doesn't get you the support you need, accept that he is not capable of giving it. This is very freeing and helps stop that energy depleting anger and frustration. We don't need things that deplete our energy.

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Hi Julie

Wise words but so difficult to put into action

I just feel as if I’m floating adrift..everything happened so quickly last year..the dreadful diagnosis..having to retire early from a job I loved and was ‘somebody ‘ and the physical constraints ie the pain which limits me so much in my once so active life

Now I’ve an uncaring husband and feel a bit lost

I’m going to get my hideous nails done this morning..and a yoga class this evening but it’s all a big effort and it would be easier to just doss on the settee with a book or watch a film

I think if my husband told me to ‘get a life’ I would throw something at him or burst into tears

Barb xx

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You are already doing it 🙂 you are doing activities you enjoy, you haven’t given up, you have a group of friends to go out with and you have found emotional support through starting to see a therapist. You are doing all the right things.

Now just to work out where your husband fits in - if he does. You need to be realistic about what he is prepared to give and what he is capable of, and decide if you can work with that. You can’t control his behaviour or actions, at best you can influence them but you do have a choice about your actions.

Take your diagnosis out of the equation, you’ve just retired which is a time of tremendous upheaval and change and reassessment for everyone. You need time to adjust to that and the new identity it brings. Then you have the diagnosis to get your head around and the pain you’ve been in which is exhausting.

I took time to work out what I wanted and needed then tried to talk to my husband. I still love my him but I don’t depend on him for support. I really think he is the one who is losing out though. I still find it upsetting when I hear he’s been discussing my imminent death in the pub, but i’m going to spite him by out living him 😁

And if you’ve had a good job you must have a level of financial independence - that is a strong bargaining chip and gives you real choices.

Most importantly be kind to yourself, you are getting through this better than you think, don’t rush, go with the flow and find your feet again.

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Hi Julie

I love your comment about outliving him just for spite..Brillo!

Yes after my mbc diagnosis ..like your hubby...he was telling all and sundry about me..without my permission 😡..I went mad when I found out ..he just dropped it in the conversation as if it was normal??!!

Beyond belief..

As you said I am trying to do stuff..had the nails transformed today and they’re fab..until I pick out my horses dirty hooves tomorrow!!.. I’m such a tomboy at heart

I’ve also decided to increase the pain meds instead of suffering and feeling rubbish..it goes against the grain though

Thank you for being so kind to me..I’m very appreciative

I wish you the best with your treatment

Barb xx

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I'm not being kind :-) we are in the same boat one way or another. And I know of quite a few people kept going well past their sell by date due to pure spite 😁 My husband was just the same, talking about my prognosis and imminent demise as though it was an ingrowing toe nail and he was the expert.

I'm not being kind but I really think you are coping far better than you realise. I also think you are a lot stronger than you think and more than capable of kicking any man into touch, it just takes the realisation that you need to look after yourself.

I think it's bob flowerdew on gardeners question time who says that he only allows plants that are edible or attractive in his garden, he doesn't waste time or resources on any other. I think we need to take the same approach with relationships.

Glad you are increasing your pain meds, reducing the pain will make you feel better too :-)

Julie xx

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