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Snapping at everything!

Well I guess I’m totally losing it. I told my husband I hate him and that’s that. I guess because he dropped full coverage on my Jeep without telling me. I also was nervous about getting IV for bone strengthening medicine. Now I feel stupid and apologized to him. I got a weird feeling last night that came over me. I don’t know what it was but it felt like how you get butterflies. I was watching the cooking channel, even though I don’t cook much. I guess it was time for another snap session and I hate it. Thanks for listening to me vent, I only share this information with you all. I hope I’m not breaking down, and I had a decent scan. My emotions are all over the place.

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Hi Clair,

You are allowed to have "off" days and to vent! I don't know about you, but having to always put on a brave face and be strong all the time can be taxing. When you consider all we have to face with this disease day after day, week after week and month after month, it's not unreasonable to expect that some days will be harder than others. It's not as if we will be having treatment for a year and then we are "cured" of this disease.

My husband and I are off to a cancer conference tomorrow which will tell us more about cancer services in our area. I got upset with my husband last night when I thought he was going to change our plans and go golfing with his friend instead. I got the wrong end of the stick. He had told his friend he would discuss it with me first and get back to him, but I got it into my head that he would rather be golfing with his friend than attending a "boring" cancer event. But that wasn't the case!

I would just explain to your husband that you did not mean to lose it with him. I am sure he will understand.

Take care,

Sophie x

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Thanks for writing me. I’m sorry I’m just getting back to you. The bone strengthening IV lays me up with fever of 102 all day, finally feeling better but down. I have to relax and do some getting out more. We are going to eat and a movie just to get out. I know I’m not the only person going off the grid but I hate being such a baby. I lost all my family except for my son over 30 years ago. I have my husbands family but there in Ohio and since I have been sick I don’t talk as much to them. But things will get better for a while then something else will come along. I just need to handle better. ❤️❤️❤️ Good luck at the conference and hope you get some great information.

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Hi Clair,

You're welcome! Sorry to hear your infusions cause a fever. When I had my first bone strengthening infusion in June I felt stiff as a board afterwards, but when I had the second one at the end of August I felt much stronger afterwards. My infusions take about 20-30 minutes, but can you ask for yours to be given more gradually or see if the dose can be altered? Maybe that will make a difference. I would definitely mention how you are feeling though, as I am sure something can be done to make you feel more comfortable so that you do not have to deal with a fever.

I'm so sorry to hear you lost so many family members. My mum died from non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma back in 2004. I have my husband and dad, who are both very supportive, and friends who have had or are going through cancer too. So that helps. I would perhaps reach out to your in-laws if you can and see if they can provide some support for you. One of my sisters-in-law has colon cancer. She was diagnosed right after I was so we have become "cancer buddies" and check in on each other more often than we used to.

Yesterday's conference went really well. I wrote a post on it (more like an essay! I do waffle on at times!) I was in the minority though, as most of the patients were elderly, but one man mentioned how nice it was to see someone young there too, not that he was glad I had cancer, but you know what I mean!

Enjoy your meal out and your movie. I'm going to be having some dinner soon.

Sophie x

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Hi

I have denosemab for bone strengthening but it’s just an injection in my arm..feel stiff and achy for a day or so that’s all..what is yours called?

Barb xx

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Zometa...I always have a bad reaction to this medicine. Chemo I did better. I had the injections for bone and it made me so sick.

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I googled denosemab vs zometa and denosemab was considered more effective..I’m not a doctor but is it worth asking your oncologist about this injection

Barb xx

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Hi Clair

I forget, are you in therapy or on any antidepressants or anxiolytics? Just asking cause they definitely keep me on a more even keel. I’d be pissed too if my husband changed my insurance. your reaction was intense and I know from past posts how close you and your husband are. And you seem like a very together gracious person. , I think you are so raw right now that anything will be an outlet for your emotions. If you are seriously concerned about having a breakdown I urge u to reach out to a professional who can help you regroup and get back to a better place. Does your insurance cover that??? Tara Brach has free content on her website. She is a wonderful mindfulness and meditation teacher. Kris’s Carr also has a lot of good free content for mind and spirit. There are therapists online like “doctor on demand”. I don’t mean to be presumptuous, just trying to run some ideas by you that you could do right away. Sometimes everything piles up and is so overwhelming we loose our equilibrium. A lot of us take care of everybody and everything, even with this lousy mbc, and are reluctant to admit we can’t take much more right now. I wish I could do more for you. I’m here behind the screen sending a big hug. Let us know how unr doing tomorrow. I’ll be around 💕

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Thanks for that! I have been sick from bone strengthening medication. I always have a reaction for one day. Yes I take Valium but don’t like the way I feel on antidepressants. I over reacted because we have extra cars but it’s my Jeep I’ve had for ever, my baby. He said he would change it back. Yes you are right I can’t get away from this damn disease. Dr all the time nothing is going to change and I hate it. Thanks for your advice I will check out the online therapy. I’m grateful all of you understand where I’m coming from. That’s why I love you understand because your going through it too. Thanks for taking the time to write me. Have a good rest of your weekend. ❤️❤️❤️

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Hey Clair,

I don't like the way I feel on the antidepressant class SSRIs, which is most of what they prescribe these days. I feel drugged on them and I felt like I was short circuiting trying to get off them even with a tapper. I am on a very old drug, Elavil. I take very little, 10mg. I feel no side effects. I never melt all the way down to the bottom. Just something to consider. I take Xanax as needed. only 0.25, although once I "treated" myself to .5mg. Looks like you should plan for not feeling well after that bone infusion and maybe keep yourself on valium or xanax pre and post a day. Have to go for my 2 fasoldex shots tomorrow and see my doctor. An all day pilgrimage to cancerville. My husband always goes, though I tell him he doesn't have to, and we try to have a nice meal in the city (NYC) to compensate. I go to live therapy nearby, but at least online FaceTime therapy when you're really going to pieces might help. Do you meditate? I find recordings of Tibetan bells soothing. Insight Timer has a nice meditation app, lots of free ones, and so does Calm. Meditation can actually change your brain physically for the better. Going to see how much I can rewire myself. Glad to her from you.

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Sounds comforting, I might need to try it. Glad you found something to help. We are all in this together that’s why I’m so glad God guided me here. 🙏

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I think you are having a totally normal reaction. Spouses forget that we are sometimes scared on top of everything else. Have fun at the conference. Hannah

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Your right I felt independence taken away, sounds stupid. Thanks for getting back to me after a fever I’m feeling better. ❤️❤️

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Hi Clair19. I don’t think u r having a breakdown just built up feelings , fear and anger! I get mad at my husband for small things that I necessarily would not. It’s our fear and anger talking. It’s tough trying to keep it together all the time. Don’t be do hard on yourself!!! Yell if u have to, let it out and move on!

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Thanks, yeah felt like a two year old having a fit. I’m better today. I just have to realize things will never be the same. You are sweet to say those things. I think not knowing what’s around the corner is always freaky. Everyone is so understanding...❤️❤️❤️

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Glad u r feeling better. Be kind to yourself!

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You too..😊

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You're the most hopeful and positive person I know. All of your posts bring me comfort. It's ok to have down days. We're human. And husbands are usually safe to lash out at. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and take it one day at a time. God is already in tomorrow so try not to worry just for today. You're doing great. I'm proud of all of us. This is a tough gig and we're facing it together, with courage, dignity and much hope. Keep praying and laughing. He's got us all in the Palm of His Hand.

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Such kind words and thank you! I will continue to pray for all of us. I’m better today and a little embarrassed I acted so silly. I’m like us all scared of the unknown and don’t handle it well. I’m the Nurse and supposed to help everyone else not me. I appreciate you being so supportive and I hope you have a great rest of your weekend.❤️❤️❤️

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1. If your at risk for bone fractures as it appears, why would your husband drop full coverage on your vehicle?

2. Butterflies in your stomach indicate intuitive feelings about a change approaching. That can be any type of change.

3. From my perspective, making a statement that your emotions are all over the place is a judgement your placing on yourself based on what behavior is considered normal/sane.

Look, as someone with years of experience over 20 yrs. as a Mom who passionately advocated for her only child's special education needs and as a daughter who passionately advocated for her Mother's needs in early dementia;

I have recently after 5 months on Ibrance found myself having to passionately advocate/draw the line in the sand indicating what I will not tolerate to medical professionals and anyone else who I feel lacks compassion, common sense, or basic knowledge in their given profession.

At this stage in my life at 60, yes I can say what ever I want and I love it !

I am taking care of myself by advocating passionately for everything I need and know I deserve, period.

Some my think I'm too aggressive or assertive, well you know what, I don't give a damm.

They don't have a clue, if they are willing to listen in order to understand, then I let them know what it's like to have a toxin like chemotherapy running thru your body 24 plus and what some of the side effects can be that I endure on a daily bases.

For now this medication is supporting my intentions to survive so I can continue loving myself by creating a new version of me.

I say you go girl, let all your emotions out, it's liberating!

Those that respect and love you will love you all the more!

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Wow your life I mean personal family sounds like mine. I’m so sorry about your child and Mom. Both my parents died of cancer in early 50’s. My only brother who had cerebral palsy came to live with me for 12 years until at 39 had a massive heart attack. I guess that’s what I hate when I lose control because I always had control. I was a Nurse since 24 and don’t like other people controlling my life. Sounds like we have our plates full, which I never let it bother me. I think because I never was able to vacation much because my parents where sick and I had my brother after that. But that’s in the past and I’ll try to not let things bother me. Oh the Jeep is covered if I get hurt just if I total it it’s gone. I just Love it. He’s putting it back like it was. Your so right about speaking your feelings it helps.. You are a wonderful person and I hope you have a great Sunday.❤️❤️❤️

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So glad your speaking your feelings and all is well with your favorite Jeep.

On a side note, with regards to your comment about "control", I never thought about control in the equation of care taking my daughter and Mother.

Because in fact I never had control.

The school system had control with myself and my daughter and they made our lives hell while choking the life force out of us.

Every day there was an upset for my daughter.

My older siblings had financial control and made my life, my daughter's and my Mother's hell while self dealing out of the family trust.

In the end, my daughter and I never recovered after being evicted from my Mom's home after my siblings ran out of money.

All the doctor letters were ignored about the longterm psychological damage such an act from family would have on my relationship with my daughter for years to come.

No need to feel sorry, the damage is done.

Therefore, I'm truly blessed to have a very wide berth from my emotionally toxic sister, brother and his wife.

With regard to my daughter, the state's Department of Behavioral Health and Disability Services are continuing to enable a Medicaid Fraud cover-up for the last 7 years that is still exploiting my daughter.

She is now harming herself from all the trauma and has been brain washed to believe I'm the one to fear.

I can't seem to find an attorney with the skill set to help me so I may go back with new evidence to the state Medicaid Fraud Unit.

But even then, they aren't the sharpest tool in the shed given my past experience with them 7 years ago.

I did by accident see my daughter for the first time in over 7 years on Aug. 19th when I went to a pet store I had not been to in a while.

She was in the parking lot cleaning.

Apparently, she does not want to be acknowledged as my daughter any more because she considers that person as dead and goes by a different name.

So as I have expressed before, I still have work to do here on earth.

The reality is, my only child needs me before she ends her own life tragically.

I'm her only living parent and have been since she was 1.

There are folks in this world who suffer all kinds of trauma and it should not be sweep under any rug by thinking it's normal.

I guess you can see now why I advocate for all MBC patients to speak their truth and embrace all their emotions and maybe others can learn from our experience to be more authentic and compassionate.

I too still have a lot to learn. Because in the interest to keep my life calm and peaceful, no one knows about my MBC diagnosis or what has happened to my daughter. (it's too overwhelming)

I just thought what the heck I'll risk putting some of this out here to raise awareness about the importance of mental health and the changes needed to educate the public across the board regarding the gross lack of informed mental health services available.

So in fact as you can see, this is the very first time I have ever had control as a care giver, because I'm my own care giver and a great one at that !

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Sounds like you have a clear plan in place and I pray it will work out. Your a very strong woman and I appreciate that. I hope and pray one day you and your daughter can reunite.🙏

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Thank you, I appreciate and am grateful for your support and prayers. I pray for the same everyday.

If you recall, it was just after your support of prayers on Sunday Aug. 19th that I saw my daughter for the first time in 7 yrs.

I'm grateful for that small miracle, who would have ever thought I would see her alone in a parking lot.

Just like my MBC diagnosis, there is no rhyme or reason for these hard challenges.

All I have ever done is rise to embrace each challenge, trusting that there is a divine plan, keeping the faith for every challenge to become a victory.

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Your story touched me so God knows what can wait and what can’t. Like God please let John ask me out. I’m sorry that sounds crazy but he knows what really is up there on prayer list.

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I’m not trying to freak you out maybe just moisture, but I was reading your post again and what looks like a drop of water 💧 was right in the middle where you said I would see her alone in a parking lot. My hand was dry and i didn’t have water. Maybe I don’t know, tear drop from heaven. I was going to delete this message, because it sounds wonderful and weird at the same time. I woke up one morning and told my husband something is going to break, he rolled his eyes 👀. Then I heard him yelling he broke his favorite coffee cup. I do have a small gift at times, wish I could’ve seen this mbc coming.

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Me too. Wish I could have seen this MBC coming as well.

But I know I'm blessed my cat caused my fracture, it saved me from having the cancer spread further.

I sure hope God works a miracle for my daughter and saves her from all the adults who are exploiting her and provides me with the support I need for the truth to come to light.

Thanks again for the your reply, it's not weird at all.

It nice to find a kindred spirit.

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So sorry for your upset, Clair! Did hubby have good reason for dropping coverage of your vehicle? Hope he did, as I would feel hurt just like you! When you've had this diagnosis land in your lap, it's never a time for secrets. I hope you have both come to terms with his decision and that he now recognizes how upsetting his decision was to you. Hang in there, Clair! Love and prayers, Linda XXOO

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Yeah everything is fine, I actually agree because I would get a new car. It’s my Jeep I’ve had forever and probably best decision. I should have thought about it that way to. Thanks so much again for caring and being so supporting.❤️❤️❤️

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So glad to read this, because you sound like a GREAT couple!! XO

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I take antidepressants (which I was on before diagnosis) so some days are rough. While I was having my radiation is was so physically ill I yelled at my husband when he told me I had to go to my appointment. He said we are in this together. I yelled hay we weren’t , it is me going through the treatment. I felt absolutely horrific for saying it but we all need to express our anger at being sick.

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You said the absolute truth..it’s us women who are going through this

That’s why I mostly prefer to go to my appointments on my own because I AM on my own if you see what I mean ..I just take a book with me and read if appointments are running late..if hubby is with me I feel he’s not happy waiting around etc and that irritates me

Horrible aren’t I?

Barb xx

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Hi Barb!

No, you are not horrible! My husband came with me to my second infusion treatment (I told him to pop into town and shop around for home insurance during my first infusion!) as I wanted him to experience what it's like with me and other patients in the oncology day unit. I am not sure what I was expecting it to be like for him, but he said he was bored. So I plan to attend my next infusion in November on my own. I suppose it's not very interesting sitting there while I am having treatment, and I don't want him to feel bored, so I would prefer to go on my own. But when it comes to seeing my oncologist, I do want him there.

Sophie x

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Sometimes we have to save ourselves

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I always go by myself. My husband only goes for scan results. When I was having chemo he would pick me up. Now just Faslodex.

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Agree!!!

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My Friend, Please try 200mgs of theanine every morning when you wake before food before or in place of antidepressants. Maybe we can talk this week if you would like.

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Did the dropping full coverage make you feel like he thinks you are not going to make it? I am certain that was not the reason but that is how we could interpret that emotionally.

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Hey my friend! I keep meaning to call you but something comes up. No I didn’t feel like that I just don’t want another car. I Love my Jeep and over reacted. Thanks for thinking of me. I have not been feeling as good because I got my bone strengthening IV high fever all day. I need to talk to you, tell me later in the week I can call. Or if Thursday around 6 call me. ❤️

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I can talk better during the day/ afternoon

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Oh Clair we all have those days. How can we not. I am more of a crybaby. What’s made dealing with this worse for me is trying to deal with depression and anxiety which I had under control until this last diagnose and they had to change those meds. Ugh. It was worse than dealing with the cancer. I think I am back on track but still get those bad days. I just wish that I didn’t think about it every day. I am sure your husband understands how hard this is. You always have our support.

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Thanks Kim, yes he does. I hear you about thinking about it every day. I had my first dream where I was telling someone I had cancer. First time that happened, now I can’t even dream without it on my mind. But this to shall pass!🙄

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Everyone of us feel like exploding once in awhile. It may just be left over stress from worrying so much about your recent scan. I know when I have a test or appt it takes me a couple of days to unknot myself. You are allowed to freak out once inawhile. Sometimes it is just too much to deal with! Hope you can relax now. We need you here. You always respond with great advice and encouragement.

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I feel so guilty afterwards because it’s me starting it. But he does understand pretty much. Our problem is we have always been around each other. He works from home and I retired early because I always said if I get to a certain point. Now using it on medicine and medical bills. I got to go every month for blood work and now bone treatments. My chemo was over 70k plus port and all the scans. I need to go back now...🙄

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I know. My boyfriend and I are both home all day with no car. He has copd and severe arthritis. My daughter takes me out on weekends but during the week we are both going to doctors appt. I'm getting social security, my late husbands survivor benefits and my boyfriend gets disability so we can't even take a vacation. But whatever happens we are here for each other and are just trying to keep each other positive. Sometimes it's just too hard.

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I too have had days when I wonder who is controlling my mouth and emotions because it surely is not me! This is one part of the side effects that no one talks about. Our poor significant others don't have a clue either. Venting here is a safe place. Hugs.

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You said that perfect 👌. Oh don’t get me wrong he thinks he’s trying. He just said we are in this together! I said if we are in this together why aren’t you getting chemo, Faslodex injections, mood swings and everything else that goes along with mbc. He was loss for words, I said it nice.😉

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Hi Clair, hope you're well and cool down already. You need to stay happy to keep the C at bay. Warm wishes from few thousands miles away.

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Clair, I would be furious if my husband changed an insurance policy without talking it over with me! Some things are too important to decide alone when we are paired up! I pay the bills but I wouldn't dream of doing something as significant as changing the coverage on one of our vehicles without talking about it. So......I don't think that was a thing to not bring up with you husband and be irritated about! One of my husband's friend's wife threw out a leather jacket he still wore from time to time. We were both appalled when we heard that! Our husbands are both retired cops and those jackets were great with their uniforms. And expensive.

I certainly have had days when my judgment is not what it normally has been and when my frustration level is not good. Living with advanced cancer is certainly a challenge.

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