Hubby's reaction

[Sheba68]

I'm curious as to how husbands reacted to the news? Mine didn't comfort me at all, was reluctant to go to the doctor with me, and has said he doesn't want to see my breasts after my lumpectomy surgery. Both of our families have been hit super hard with major health issues just since March, so I know that could have something to do with it. I've also gone through a near death situation in 99 that messed him up pretty badly emotionally. It's just been hard not having his physical love.

[KevinPeters]

Hi I saw this post & it resonated with me & felt I had to reply. My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer in early 2016 & within a month of that made the decision to have breast removed & reconstructive surgery at same time. We had two teenage girls at home and we tried to support as best we could & my wife’s mum also supported her with hospital visits when I couldn’t as my daughter was having health issues & sometimes I was taking her places.

My wife has been very brave & I recall seeing her breast for first time after surgery & never thought it was an issue for me but for her she hated her body. In reality I (perhaps her children & mother) was the only person who would see it & I told her it wasn’t an issue for me & slowly over time she got use to that & intimacy did return - it’s a long hard struggle & the mental aspect after surgery/ recovery were way worse than the physical aspect and is still on going but physically all is OK / clear. I just requires a lot of hard work & dedication & is not easy but it’s possible for things to return to some sort of new norm in the end but things will never be the same for either side - they can’t .

Take care and all the beer for the future.

K

[Sheba68 in reply to KevinPeters]

Thank you so much for sharing from a husband's perspective. I really appreciate your openness.

[Knapweed]

My husband is a radiologist and you might think that would mean he took it sensibly from the outset - no, he was in complete denial which was incredibly upsetting- he didn't come to the diagnostic appointment as 'it wouldn't be anything'. We had to really sort it out emotionally (and get him to admit his own fear) and he quickly came round to being very supportive and helpful during the medical stages - it's hard dealing with the lack of energy and after effects without 'moaning' as he is super fit and finds the change in me something hard to adjust to too. I hope your relationship settles - it's not been an easy journey for you both xx

[Sheba68 in reply to Knapweed]

You're right. It's not been easy for BOTH of us. I need to remember that!

[quilting66]

Hi, and welcome. I thought I might answer both of your posts in one if that's ok.

I finished all my treatments just a year ago exactly. Surgery, radiation and chemo for TNBC, stage 1 b.

A. Husbands response: My husband is not a very demonstrative person and while he does try to "take care of business/fix things" his response has been quiet but has come with me to all appts (except for the first couple I didn't think I need him-my mistake) and most of the treatments. When he didn't come, my girlfriends filled in. I asked him to take notes for me and that gave him something to do to feel he was helping. He also did research and would bring up info when I wanted to talk. That was his way of supporting me. He also cooked. No cleaning, no going to the drugstore, but that was ok, it got me out. He did urge me to stock up on any over the counter meds the oncology team recommended. So that was his way of coping. We're both in out mid 60's. Age has alot to do with acceptance of things you can't control and your husband might have fear of the unknown and resistant to change. I hope he comes around and does what is within his comfort zone. You might mention how alone you feel with his reaction.

B. Radiation: I chose radiation before chemo since my margin had a tiny bit of questionable cells. The team felt it probably was ok not to go back into surgery. The procedure itself with ok, my center had a set up where I lay face down and my breast hung through an opening in the table to minimize radiation on my chest. The procedure is quick if often. Fatigue does start to set in after a few days but it was manageable for me. Be sure to use the cream, I used Calendula First Aid cream suggested by my doctor, and it was fine. Make sure to put it all the way up to the clavicle, the redness that showed up after treatment went all the way up there. I have some mild cording in my arm and side, but not sure what that resulted from.

Hope this helps you on this crazy, stressful journey. My women friends were great, though with mixed reactions. Take care of yourself, talk to the doctors and nurses with any questions no matter how small and ask us anything too.

[Sheba68 in reply to quilting66]

Great tips, thank you.

[Redled823]

My husband didn’t want to talk about it at all. He did go to one doctor appointment (which scared the shit out of him) and one chemo. Did not even want to go there in terms of me talking about my fear of dying (which I haven’t and it’s been 18 years). My kids were 7 and 11 and my mom passed the same day I found out I had cancer so, there was a lot going on. He was wonderful and pitched in everywhere around the house, but the fact I couldn’t discuss my fears with him (because I am sure he was dealing with the same fears) hurt our intimacy a little. I think I was more worried about how I looked to him than he was. Eventually, I chose to go and talk with a therapist about it and that helped immensely. I guess what I am saying is, we all deal with this in our own way, including our husbands. Give him some time. This is an awful time in the world for many and I can’t imagine going through treatment during the time of COVID. Also, if you need to talk to someone on your own, go ahead and do that. I found some great tips and I only went a few times just to wrap my head around the whole situation.

[Sheba68 in reply to Redled823]

I agree that we all deal with it differently. He's had a lot on his plate in the last few months too, so it makes sense. I see a counselor on Monday, so hopefully I'll get some help with that. Thanks for sharing.

[Scarey4]

I was diagnosed with stage 4 upon diagnosis. My husband and I were in shock and scared out of our minds. I was 48 and my kids we 16 and 20. As a family we were all scared. For the first year my husband was supportive, going to appointments and being verbally supportive. As we went to appointments after the first year I could see his anxiety increase. I became NED after the first year Praise God. He would go to appointments and chemo with me but he started to not pay attention as the doctor spoke about my therapy and progress and when I was in chemo, he would walk around the hospital the whole time. He didn’t want to hear about my fears anymore. He didn’t want to take about cancer anymore and wanted me to get back to myself. Well I gained 15 pounds, I tried to exercise and eat right and still couldn’t lose weight, my hair didn’t grow back in fully and I still looked like a cancer patient. I got a counselor and it helped me a lot. Then my husband started to drink heavily and got mean to me and disfunctional. We separated and tried to work things out. It didn’t work and we divorced 2 years ago. This journey is really hard on everyone. In my case I live with cancer therapy and side effects daily because I take tamoxifen daily and herceptin every 3 weeks for the test of my life. I’m lonely but have my kids and family and friends to support me. Good luck and God bless.

[Sheba68 in reply to Scarey4]

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry it ended up that way. One of the first things I thought of when I received my diagnosis was that he would leave me. I'm glad you have your family to support you.

[Dimsdale18 Partner]

Good morning,

I'm a bit confused, because you mentioned lumpectomy surgery which is usually minimally invasive. I had a small scar at the cancer site and nothing else. I did experience a reduction in size of my radiated breast. That being said, it is an overwhelming diagnosis for the whole family and everyone deals with this kind of news in different ways. My concern is that he's focusing on the physical aspect of this when you need him to focus on how you're feeling about all of this. I would ask your therapist the best way to explain to him how what he is saying is upsetting you, while acknowledging his fears.

If you need to speak to someone who has been through breast cancer, you can call SHARE'S Cancer Support free helpline 844-212-275-7425 every day from 9:30 am to 9:00 pm EST. We also have many support groups available as well including a caregivers support group.

Good luck with everything,

Dale

[Sheba68 in reply to Dimsdale18]

Thank you.

[Mary115]

My husband was paralyzed emotionally but went right to work investigating the work of the caretaker and taking on all the insurance challenges. He met the work challenge amazingly well while finding that emotional support for me was best served by my support group. He did have buddies who he talked with. One who was going through something similar. He was notably pleased when my primary told him "Thank you for taking such good care of Mary". Did my heart good to see him feeling he was doing an ok job, and he was.