Separate Beds after 26 yrs of marriage?

My husband puts up with my RLS. He's been working some hard

hours lately plus he is coming down with a chest cold.

During the night he turned on the light and said that either I

was to leave the bedroom or he was going to go sleep in my

son's old bed. (2 yrs of my son living on his own) He told me that he's

sick of the bed shaking from me shifting my legs around, and

that he didn't appreciate being kicked all night. He wasn't

mean but he was scolding me for something that I have no control

over.

Now it is early morning and I am up after just 2 hours of precious

sleep...I am exhausted and want to nap so bad right now but

I have to be someplace by 7:30am. My husband left for work

just now and he kissed my cheek, then said "Don't take a nap

today and I bet you will sleep good tonight." Ouch.!!!

I can tell you right now that by 3pm, when I get home, I am going to be

so tired that I will be numb. My eyes keep closing as I write this. If

I don't nap for 30 mins, I get a headache. I honestly want to call in

and sleep to avoid that but I gave my word to be there to volunteer.

I hope that last night is not the way that our sleeping arrangements

will play out for the rest of our marriage but according to my husband,

it's time for separate beds in different rooms. I hate to see this! I

resent RLS with a passion today.

15 Replies

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  • sounds like he needs to experience a bad case of RLS. "he wasn't mean": guess I don't know what words to use to describe him. And you are not going to take a nap because he said not to. I did not get to sleep until after 3am last night and would be very upset to hear this from my husband. Way are you sticking up for him?

  • He still doesnt "get it" , you are not the only one who has a family member who doesnt "get it". I hear and read it alot. Napping can be our lifesaver, when sleep deprived. So, nap away, if and when you can. I have a awful time when i am awake throught the night, the next day, i suffer with an upset stomach, dont know why that happens, it never used to affect me that way, so i dont even get to leave the house.

  • I have to agree Karen with Elisse. You know I have nights of not sleeping. Yesterday my body literally wanted to sleep for a few hours. My family never understood it except my late mother probably. She just used to say "she knew it was bad" even when I lied. What happened to in sickness and in health etc. As you know I am a bloke but my sympathy is with you Karen. None of my friends understand it and trivialise it.

  • I agree with all that has been said so far. If he has really come to the point that he cant get any sleep either because of your rls then perhaps you could consider twin beds. I don't see how sleeping in separate rooms would help. I sometimes wonder if my hubby will say something about my fidgeting in the night. but him doing shift work gives him at least some of his sleep on his own.

  • HI YIKES, i have been married for forty three years, for most of my married life i worked nights, and did not know i had the start of RLS sleeping by my self it did not matter about my legs and arms moving about well it did to me because i need the sleep. i am now not working nights, and most nights i sleep in the spare bed so my wife can get some sleep. the worst time for me is when we go out to see friends and family and my legs and arms start or on holiday on the airplane, it drives me up the wall even watching the tv i can not keep still. i have been on simvastatin for years and have stopped taking them to see if it helps my RLS and touch wood for me it has helped me get a better night sleep, i do take magnesium citrate and nutri-nano coq-10 also vitamin d3 but that is for me, when your brain tells you i what to sleep but your body wants to move its a real bad feeling i could go on!! all the best, happy christmas and happy new year.

  • Hun it must have cut you to the core and will take a lot of getting used to but really I'd say he done a good innings plus worked continuously. We have difficulty understanding the truth of anything unless we have experienced it so he cant begin to appreciate what we go through, but then again neither can we appreciate what he has suffered or gone through. The years of keeping quiet shows his love for you.

    Try to see the positive side, having a big bed to yourself is great, theres always a cool spot and you can roll for ever. You can sit up, read, put the light on, anything you're a free agent PLUS you'll miss each other but be more rested, more sociable and definately feel the benefits of more sleep. This can be a great chance for both to not only benefit physically but put a new zing in your relationship. Dont fight it or throw a strop, give it a try, just think when you both feel better you can envite him to your boudoir for drinks and nibbles. Go for it, it will stop him moving further. Good luck.

  • Hi Lake get down to your doctor right away, ask to be prescribed Ropinirole up to 2mg daily, it has saved my sanity, I slept for 7 hours last night, I take a 0,5gm tablet at 1pm, 5pm ,and 10pm every day , not a minute later, or my legs start to playup, I have be taking them for 3 years, when flying I take one extra.0.5 tablet this sees me through the car or flight journey.

    set your mobile alarm to remind you to take them on time. all the best Patricia

  • If separate beds also mean loss of intimacy then this is a dreadful thing to add to your list of dreadful things from RLS. But if separate beds only means sleep becomes possible for your husband and perhaps more likely for you too then it could be a good thing. Just need to ensure both of you are able to put more effort into physical intimacy of whatever type is satisfactory for you both.

  • I think separate beds is a great idea for you two. It will allow your husband to sleep and you must get to our doctor and get some meds - Ropinorole or neupro patches . they give you a good nights sleep.

  • Can't stop the tears from flowing. Thanks guys and girls. I do need

    some help with this. I'm just so sick of having to take drugs that

    put me out just so I can sleep. I feel terrible today for taking

    them last night and my legs were still the last part of me to sleep.

    It took me 2 hours to settle down but I cried into my pillow just

    sobbing because I felt like my husband was on the other side

    of the USA. I think that since we were married, we slept apart

    maybe 3 or 4 nights. I may buy two full size beds and push

    them together... at least I won't be missing him.

    My husband is my very favorite person to be with in the daytime.

    We do much more together than the average couple. He doesn't

    go out with the men after work like most of them do...he is so good

    to me but this RLS is something that gets between us..the drugs

    to treat it do change my mood and behavior. (I get extra crabby when

    I can't sleep by the second night)

    Todd (my husband) hates to see me so dependent on a drug that

    can be pulled from me at any time (Vicodin) He knows people who

    go to the street to get it once the doctor takes it away... It's

    addiction powers are stronger than I am, he fears...and I am

    needing more of it to allow my legs to settle down. He keeps my

    pills so I can't do that to myself... he gives me one when I have

    gone through several nights and have lost my own control...

    I become unreasonable. SO it's not all him, but it's him trying

    to solve this issue by sending me or leaving our bed...

    I couldn't sleep in a single bed...I use up 80% of our king bed

    looking for a spot to try my legs or I sleep in every direction

    somehow in my sleep (moving around so much) I kick

    like I'm in a good soccer match. You have to see his point in

    saying that enough is enough. He gets crabby without sleep

    as well.

  • i can relate to this can.t remember the last time my wife and i spent the same night in the same bed thank god were so strong that its one thing rls will not get the better of.lack of sleep for one is bad enough at least one can function lets not let this beat us. goverment and medical teams should do alot more research into finding us sufferers a cure. stay strong

  • I know it's probably no consolation...But my RLS really kicked off, and the phase lasted unbroken for just over two years.

    This resulted in admission to a psychiatric ward because of sleep deprivation problems.

    Once it was realised that this was NOT a mental illness, an emergency referral was made to a Consultant Neurologist, who then prescribed Rotigotine patches..1x daily.

    In addition, I have cut out all alcohol and caffeine...regulated my sleep pattern (These steps are VERY important to reducing/cutting out the RLS)..and the result has been nothing short of a miracle.

    I am for the moment at least totally RLS free....am far less tired, and came now share the same bed as my partner.

    What a massive change in a few months, so don't give up hope...find a good Neurologist.

    Your location is not stated on this site, but if you are in the North West UK, try Dr. Christopher Murphy, Consultant Neurologist at Salford Royal Hospital.

    Good luck. ;-)

  • Wow. So happy for you !....I know before my RLS was diagnosed (by me reading a book about sleep) I had been sent to a counsellor , but most of my depression and behaviour was due to lack of sleep. The first night I took a ropinerole and slept all night it was amazing...! Since then of course like most of us, meds have to be tweaked and some habits changed. I stopped smoking because it worked against the dopamine drugs and made me need more....there's a lot to learn....good luck.

  • When I lay on the floor on my stomach, my restless legs stop, unless they are really bad. try laying if not on the floor, something with more support. When I get up in the morning, my back is killing me, but at least I got some sleep, I wake up in the exact same position I fell asleep in.

  • I don't think anyone understands what we go through, no matter how sympathetic they are. i FEEL LIKE I'M GOING CRAZY sometimes !

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