OVER IT

[TEAH35]

Things are not getting any better. I'm sick of this feeling of constant hopelessness. I don't know why I have to feel like this every day. All the 'professionals' I see say more pills and time. But no one can tell me how much time.

I have experienced being happy two years in my 64 years and that pisses me off. If God had not shown me what happiness felt like, I probably would have been satisfied. I wouldn't know what I was missing out on, I wouldn't be thinking that my life could've been better. I would have been none the wiser and I wouldn't be expecting things to improve. I wouldn't keep waiting for my life to be happy, coz anything I had was how it was supposed to be.

But he did .... he showed me how life could be like.

And then he snatched it away. And that's just plain cruel.

The feelings that I live with every day are;

Fear;

of falling,

another heart attack, of my daughter leaving me, and finally ... of dying, before I'm ready.

Feeling useless is a horrible experience. One feels that one is not worthy of anything worthwhile. I want to lead a productive life,one that I can be proud of.

And one that my children can be proud of too.

My emotions are all over the place ... but predominantly sad. I'm so sick of being sad all the time.

Something wonderful happened to me on this past Mother's Day. My adult son and I have been estranged from each other for over 4 years, and I have missed so much of the life of my two baby Grandchildren. But I was learning to live with it. But on Mother's Day I actually received an envelope from my son, in which contained many photos of the grandchildren. I felt very privileged and very touched. But did I feel happy? No, not one little bit. My mood did not alter at all. The black cloud of sadness still hovered above me.

I honestly and truely do not know how much more of this I can take.

[Lash65]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, dear friend. I wish I had a solution for you but I don't. I'm in the same sad boat. I was bawling this morning. It just overtakes me. I get what you're saying about wanting to be productive. It feels like everything is working against you. I have those fears that you mentioned too. I soooo understand. Love you, my friend. Please know there are others who can relate. And I hope it gets better.

[TEAH35 in reply to Lash65]

I was certain that someone on this forum, if not going through exactly what I am at the moment, would be certain to understand.

Thank you so much for your comment, it is a calming thought knowing that you are not alone.

[Lash65 in reply to TEAH35]

I'm rooting for ya!

[NGCT]

Grant, Please know that you are not alone. And you have let us others know that we are not alone. That is so helpful!