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[beady3]

My rls is going ok at the minute but I just wanted to tell you how folks treat me ,my husband passed away three months ago ,when I meet people now one says anything or mentions his name ,the man who lives by me when I asked him about a dripping tap he came and showed me how to turn the water off and undo the tap and take the old washer off, but he didn't help me, and today I had a funny knock on my car I pulled up to see if I could see anything and the man in his garden went in so he wasn't going to help nothing was the matter though, I find it funny how folks treat me now Yes I have got good friends but it does upset me xx

[Hidden]

Hi Beady, sometimes people you know and know the loss of your hubby, dont always know what to say to you when they see you. Some people might think if they mention his name, it will upset you and then they dont know how to react. I am sorry its upsetting you. Its good that you have good friends. x

[Annieapple]

Beady your grief is so raw & it must be very difficult for you when people cannot talk about your husband. However they may think it will upset you if they do, especially if they have never experienced grief themselves. Bereavement is such a vulnerable time & there is just no easy way through it.

However do keep speaking about your husband & your precious memories to your family and friends who understand. Your loss is immense & I feel for you.

[tupper in reply to Annieapple]

What a lovely and compassionate answer.

[hudson48]

I lost my husband to three months ago today and yes we get treated different by people I am very independent lady do it all as I had to due being my husband carerwhich I did willingly but new people don't see us as people

[Annieapple in reply to hudson48]

Sad for you too. It must be so hard. Tak comfort from the friends and family who do show you care and comfort.

[Hidden in reply to hudson48]

I'm not sure what your query is about. Who and why don't people see you as 'being people'. What do they see you as?

[beady3 in reply to Hidden]

Well Phogan all I can say to you is you have got to be thick ,I know we are not supposed to talk like that on this forum But I feel better for saying it

[Mopsy1950]

Hi Beady ,so sorry for your loss , I know when my dad passed away mum couldn't get over the way things changed ,even her brothers and sisters were different ,they used to pop in to see her while there were two of them ,but once she was on her own there was the odd phone call ,so she got out and joined bowls and card evenings and made new friends and said b----- them I have a life

[Hidden]

Oh Beady, I'm so sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you. I'm sad that those people are acting the way they are around you.

I think mostly it's because people just don't know what to say to you and don't want to upset you. If they only knew how much you would appreciate a kind word and them saying something like "I was sorry to hear about your husband.

Sadly, people will be what they will be. I remember when my Dad died when I was 18 years old, my Mums family would travel down from Liverpool to South Wales to see me and Mum as often as they could and there were always letters and phone calls. Whereas my dads family who lived in the same town as us we rarely saw again.

Talk about your hubby whenever you meet people, when you do it will hopefully 'break the ice' and they will start to mention him in a return. Remember the many happy years you had together, try to keep busy and keep close to the friends and family you have. Sending you my best wishes and a big hug

Geri x

ps the guy who showed you how to change the washer in your tap but didn't actually do it for you -- what a complete jerk he is grrrr !!

[cicek]

I feel for you beady. As others have said, people just don't know what to say after a death but really it is better to say something than ignore the fact that the person once lived. I'm sure its just awkwardness but really people like that are just adding to your hurt. For a neighbour to just go inside when they see you is really quite ignorant. I make a point of deliberately speaking to a bereaved person that I know and just offering condolences and asking them if they want to talk. Can't do any more than that but at least I acknowledge the fact. Keep hold of the good friends you have, they are very important. Our granddaughter died 3 years ago aged 29 and talking about her with anyone is the one thing that keeps us going. Chin up xx

[scafftag]

I suspect he's afraid you're going to make a habit of running to him for help every time something like this goes wrong. I think he did the right thing, teaching you how to repair the drip for yourself - a lot of widows have depended for years on their husbands to fix all this sort of thing for them, and simply haven't a clue. (Kind of like widowers who can't cook, and don't know how thw washing machine works!). Have a look and see what practical evening classes are on offer in your area - most of them start end of September, and have reduced fees for the deserving. You'll not only learn a potentially helpful skill, which will enhance your independence, there's also a good chance you'll make friends in a similar situation.

[beady3 in reply to scafftag]

Well if that's how you feel good luck to you,when they moved in 3 yrs ago I helped them all I could because that's how I am. You don't know I can even see to change a washer or if I have enough strength in my wrists to turn a spanner, so be kind please

[Hidden in reply to beady3]

Hi again Beady, I don't mean to be rude to you my dear, but could you perhaps inform Scafftag of your age before he kindly offers you up for "evening classes with reduced rates for the deserving"

Please don't get upset by his comment Beady, he/she probably meant the advice to be useful. Which it would have been if you were in your fifties say and not a newly grieving elderly widow already upset by the behaviour she's dealing with.

Take care

[scafftag in reply to Hidden]

I happen to be an elderly widow myself.

[hudson48 in reply to scafftag]

We seem to be very judgemental of other we all different I lost my husband soul mate best friend three months ago people do treat you oddly two becomes one it's very very hard people do ignore you as they don't know what to say so you left out avoided unless you push yourself out there it's very hurtful I cope as I like my own company I learnt a lot and how to do things but I 69y old not well had cancer etc but no choice but try so let's stop bitching at each other it's a RLS site not playground got bitching

[marsha2306 in reply to beady3]

Touché...

[E---]

Hello , so sorry for your loss and I do hope you are well , By personal experience - I understand your need for life and relationships with neighbours to get back to how it was before . Please be patient with everyone - as sometimes it's difficult for them to understand how to be when they are with you , not particularly knowing what to say to you , being friends or neighbours - they to will have lost someone they highly thought of and know how painful it feels for them too which will never touch the pain you yourself must be feeling . I think the only way to break this emotional cycle is by you speaking first - to everyone - say Hi and ask how they are doing / say oh it's wonderful to see you .... , sadly it would be best if they approached you first etc ... but just break the ice - take the first step and hopefully life will get back to normal again with your relationship with everyone . Good luck and best wishes .

[taniabacon]

sending you love and prayers. I'm so sorry you feel so alone. But I am glad you are coping with your rls at the moment. x

[beady3]

Thanks everyone for kind remarks I am having a bad day today keep crying don't say do something or go out because I have done that, but you always have to come home love to you all xx

[Hidden in reply to beady3]

Oh Beady, its all still early days for you, of course you wont feel like taking part in things yet. Coming home is the worse bit, just you at home when it was two. It takes time adjusting so you take that time. But dont become isolated. Sending big hugs to you and hope tomorrow you will feel a bit better. xx As far as getting things mended, i live on my own and wouldnt have a clue on fixing some things. Would be nice if you had more sympathetic neighbours, everyone one needs one or two of them. x

[marsha2306 in reply to beady3]

So true. And so very hard to walk into each room without memories and loss.

I truly truly understand what you're going through as I am going through it myself.

[nightdancer in reply to beady3]

Yes, as Elisse says this is still early days for you and your grief process. Been thinking about you, (((hugs)))

[Retren]

July15 am so sorry to hear about your husband.I lost mine a few years ago Unfortunately it seems that the wives always outlive their spouses.It is a case of forging ahead no matter what.I personally have always had to be self sufficient but no doubt for some it is a very difficult adjustment and no wonder after long marriages .However I have read your posts and know you will get through this no matter what.I would not pay much credence to the reactions you are being exposed to everything changes over time and your own good humor will see you through all thisKeep your chin up and know we are all behind you and thinking of you.

[beady3]

Just to tell you all I am feeling much better now and hope stopped crying ,I went out and watched some dragon boat racing Then went to visit a friend who can't get out she was pleased to see me, I do everything I can that is the first time I have plucked up currage to ask someone to help me next time I will pay ,then I can't get hurt. Thank god I am a healthy 81 yr old Love to you all xx

[Kaarina Administrator in reply to beady3]

Hi beady, so relieved to know that you have had a positive afternoon. I am sure your friend was very happy that you went to visit her. Just a thought and you may be aware anyway, but this link may be of some help to you in the future when wanting odd jobs done around the home. It is sometimes difficult to find someone bothered to do little odd jobs but the Age UK handyperson local to you will usually do them. Minimum age 55 to qualify. This service is not free but not overly expensive. ageuk.org.uk/home-and-care/... Operatives are DBS checked.

Sending over gentle hugs to you. {{{hugs}}}

[mantel in reply to Kaarina]

Hi beady I work for age UK and can confirm all recommended workers have to pass enhanced DBS ( formally CRB) checks . They also offer a free befriending service carried out buy volunteers. I have seen how successful this can be. You are probably not ready for this now but you may be in the future. sending you my deepest sympathy .

[marsha2306]

So sad that people don't know how to communicate. I lost my husband a year and a half ago and so many people I see have a pittying look on their faces & in their voices.

[LoisTonya]

It's no consolation but the world is full of widows.We understand your feelings. Twenty years on from my husband's death I talk about him all the time. If anyone can't cope with it that it is their problem. You don't have to cope with their hangups as well as yours.

Death is a difficult concept to come to terms with.

[beady3]

Hello to you all who wished me well,this morning was the same as yesterday but this afternoon I have been to a garden party and bought plants ,Mike would have said not more where are we going to plant them, so that's the end of my thoughts I must go and find somewhere to put the new plants xx

[Kaarina Administrator in reply to beady3]

It is a bit late, beady, for planting now isn't it but hopefully you will enjoy doing that tomorrow. I wish you happy planting and you can talk to Mike whilst you find new homes for them in your garden. I hope you sleep OK tonight.

[stan38angler]

hi JUNE whatever you do DO NOT LET IT GET TO YOU i went thru a similar thing some years ago when my BROTHER passed away i am afraid i lost it big time with someone who was supposed to have been his best mate---be strong!!!