I'm just falling apart here without sleep again I've been awake for
41 hours. My legs are acting up severe. I didn't make good choices
while awake this time. I ate a feast through the night.
My daughter is 17. She has plans to go to a carnival after they
work their shift. Rather than spend money on snacks and food
that is very over-priced, my daughter went out shopping and
bought up tasty snacks.. I found them and went nuts eating
them since I have been doing hardcore dieting for the past
few months. I bet that I ate more calories than I take in for an
entire week...it's been so long since..I was having a pity party
as is and what's a pity party without high calorie, high fat snacks?
I feel guilty as sin and she will no doubt be angry when she
wakes up. I have some shopping to do and driving to the store is
just not an option until I get some sleep.
Speaking of pity parties, I have to wait until Friday to talk with
my oncologist... I have one of those now.. I can't believe it.
The thoughts of having bone cancer at age 46 is really heavily
on my mind.. I had the tests, the blood shows that I probably will
have to wait to start chemo.. It's way too early to start any kind
of treatment for me. My proteins are just starting to thicken
my blood. It could take up to 20 yrs for the numbers to be
high enough....and I used to think that me having RA would
be the worst thing to happen to me.. along with RLS..which
is much worse than RA is. Really!!!
The stress of having even more tests to try to figure out this
RLS thing, the cancer thing along with my RA treatment is
making me absent minded and a little short on patience. I
am holding onto hope that there is a tiny bone in my back that
is making my legs want to run so badly.. that there are actual
little bugs crawling around in my legs that make them feel like
tiny brushes are moving about in my lower legs..or like centipedes
with sticky legs are living in my veins from the hips down..
I have some heavy decisions to make ahead of me and I am
not feeling all that great about my future... I am scared..wanting
to leave my family to run away from my life about now. It's like I
want to know but I don't. Without proper sleep and nutrition, my
body may as well be 6 feet under already. I feel dead.. I probably
look the part as well.
Only someone with the RLS problems that I have will understand the
quick cycles of depressive moods..and will be praying for sleep over
anything else in life.. It's been night after night after night.. and I want
a Vicodin to make it all go away. I actually need one and I am mad
that I threw them out... Today of all days would be my day to claim
the drug and I'd be sleeping soundly in about 30 mins. = /.
So that's my pity party for RLS, Cancer, RA.. and bad attitude.