My fantastic husband Les died at 3.45 pm on Wednesday 29 November. How can I ever fill this void? It would be impossible to fill I think.
I was able to stay with him from 1.30 pm Sunday to the very end. I held him tightly talking quietly and telling him he would just be a whisper away and that I would always talk to him.
During this time I remembered being beside him 3 years ago when he was handed, at least that is how it felt, a death sentence.
I feel like half a person at this point. Life will go on I know. I just feel so heartbroken at this point.
Thank you all for your kind words of advice and support.
Love
Pat xx
Written by
Baileyboo
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Much love to you Pat, in what I can only imagine is the most difficult of times. Telling him you would only be a whisper away is beautiful, and it seems like you were always by his side - now he will be at yours, not visible but there all the same. He still goes on in your heart and your actions. Wishing you strength in this new chapter of your life, and may Les rest in peace xx
Pat I am so very sorry that your loved one has died. This has been a really bad year. I can only hope our loved ones meet and rejoice in the fact they are free of these diseases.
At least you were with him? What a nice thing to say to him too...that you would only be a whisper away. That is a real love story. I have been impressed with the way all who have lost loved ones have dealth with death. It's not easy is it?
Remember we are all here for you Pat? You are not alone because there are so many of us who have been where you are.
Thank you so much. I didn't want to upset anyone on this site. I have a very tough time ahead of me and want to thank all who have taken the time to wish me well. I loved Les so much but as we all know when PSP appears all normality, no matter how hard we try, leaves our lives as we try to help our loved ones. I feel so empty now but knowing Les is free of this damned disease is a little bit of help. I wish he could come back as the man he was before PSP reared its ugly head.
Omgoodness that is exactly how I feel ! It’s hard to put it into words especially so soon so know that you are doing well Pat!! Les is with you and as you said only a whisper away! What a beautiful sentiment. I am sure that made it easier for him ! God bless and many prayers for your strength and courage.
Dearest Pat, take comfort in knowing that your dear Les is PSP free once more. Take time to grieve at your own pace. Mum only passed 8 days ago but already I am realising that grief has its different emotions on different days. I never realised there were so many emotions one could experience in such a short time.
We have just had the worst possible news after Les's passing.
Our daughter, Fiona, asked if she could see her dad and when the man went to see if Les was ready he came back with "he isn't with us yet".
I am so furious and tearful at the same time as they had promised he would be with them last Friday 8th. We took what little comfort we could from knowing he was now with funeral home in their chapel of rest and clothed.
What made Fiona ask to see her dad, I don't know, as she had said she didn't want to see dad as she didn't feel she would cope with saying goodbye again as it is so final.
So my fantastic husband has been lying on a slab in the hospital mortuary only covered with a sheet. I feel that I have let him down as this is the last thing I would do for him.
As his funeral is to be held on Friday morning what would have happened. He died 2 weeks ago we are furious. We immediately, actually our son Andrew, arranged the whole thing to save me having to do it. On Wednesday last week I gave the funeral director the necessary forms and Fiona and I felt a little better knowing he was at least clothed and as comfortable as possible given the circumstances. He was still on a slab at the hospital.
Sorry I won't rant anymore. If this happened to us it could happen to any other family.
Pat I know how you feel. Mum is still at their 'holding place' in her nightie, and basically being kept in a fridge with a sheet over her. Mums funeral is on the 22nd and we know she won't be at the funeral parlour until 4 days before. She is still in the nightie that she left our house in the day she passed as I took dad to see her yesterday. We were advised that she would be 'held' until the date given but I at least expected her to have been embalmed and clothed.
I know Pat. It does feel that way at times. We were also told that it's a busy time of year as they're coming into winter. Sounds great eh. I know a lot of elderly people pass away due to the cold but I still feel that each case should be handled with the utmost dignity and respect xxx
Thank you. This disease knows no bounds. I don't know how to cope but Les and I always took a day at a time so I will follow that rule. I would hate to let him down. He's an enormous loss. He will help me I am sure.
This site is so supportive and we need and value each other. Thank goodness for everyone on here.
I'm so sorry to hear the sad news Pat, but at least as so many have said, he is now free of the evil disease. It seems to have been a "busy" year on here for us losing partners, parents and friends, but rest assured so many of us know exactly what you are going through right now.
I know it's hard, but think of all the good times, and the good memories that you have, and maybe you can raise a little smile.
Take time to grieve properly, and face the world when you are ready, and not when someone says you are, or you feel that you "should" be.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss Pat. Hold the memories in your heart and he will always be with you. He is free from the most horrible illness possible. God Bless.
It is a big comfort knowing that Les's vile journey is over. My journey without him is going to be so tough as I loved him so much. I am being selfish in that I never wanted to lose him and would give anything in the world to have him back in the way he was before PSP. I am sure many others would have thought the same at some point during their loved one's journey. PSP comes in and wrecks lives relentlessly.
I hope there is some cure around a corner to help those still suffering.
Dear Pat, this is such a sad time for you. My condolences and love to you and your family!
There are many here now who know exactly how you feel! There is that feeling of great loss and a void you don't know how to fill. Les is at peace and no longer in torment.
Filling that void is a gradual progression as life goes on. It never goes away but it does get less deep and less painful. Your cherished memories help, and your friends and family.
You will find the next few months worst, I think. There is so much to organize, and one deadline after another. That is how I found it. After the funeral there is time alone when you can take stock of where you are and what you do now.
I found the way forward started here. With a whimper rather than a hiss and a roar.
I made plans, to take a break, to think about what I did with my life.
18 months on and I am still here at same place. I am taking things slowly as there is no hurry, but life is now moving along. All around me is my husband, but not such a sad memory.
So take time to grieve and remember we are here if you have questions or need comfort, or just a virtual hug. We are all thinking of you!
Although he died on Wednesday during the night of Monday he pulled my head into his chest and I just lay there. He knew he was slipping away and I am grateful for that last hug. It will stay in my heart for ever.
No matter how prepared we get, we are never ready for the inevitable. I am so sorry the love of your life has gone on, Pat. You both had less time with this disease, than did Bruce and I . One day or a thousands years , it's still sheer hell on everyone.
You will find the strength to start a new journey. ..Just ask most of us who have lost their loved ones in the last 19 months or so. As you take on these new days remember to let go of all guilt and "what ifs"...they will consume you til there is nothing left. Instead, take hold of the lovely memories before PSP and even ones that made your relationship more poignant during your daily care of Les. Now it's time (whenever that time may be) to make new and happy memories and a life full of joy....
Dear Les you must have been a great man to have such a wonderful wife. The last few moments as she held you close, gave you comfort to go on. And you gave her the comfort and courage to take on anything this life has to throw at us. Good bye my fellow brother in PSP Remember this world is not our home . we're just a passin' through.
Remember Pat that we are still hear for you and even better, God is still here for you....call on us .....
Do Well
AVB (Andrea)
Fear not for I am with you: be not dismayed; for I am thy God. I will strengthen thee, I will help thee; Yea I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. ..........Isaiah 41:10
Casting all your care upon Him , for He cares for you. I Peter 5:7
Thinking of you during these difficult hours. In time I hope the painful memories of suffering will be out weighed by the beautiful memories you have of your husband. Your post is beautifully written... I am going to remember that phrase only a whisper away.
Dear Pat, I am so sorry to hear that Les has died. May he rest in peace, finally free from this evil disease.
Les's journey is over, but now yours starts. The road is extremely bumpy and junctions to navigate. You will go down a lot of dead ends, but always know, that the strength you found, looking after Les, has not deserted you. It is one day at a time, even down to one minute sometimes. The thing that keeps me going through the darkest hours, is that Steve is free, as much as I miss him, I will put up with no end of pain, to know he doesn't have to anymore.
Treasure those final days, realise how special they were. Let go of any guilt feelings. Be proud of yourself, for how well you cared for Les.
Most of all, remember we are still all here for you. Again, unfortunately, knowing exactly what you are going through. Look after yourself, it takes a long time to recover from the physical side of caring. Let others take care of you. Only do the things that have to be done. Most can wait until you are ready. It's very much baby steps.
He is bit I feel half of me is missing. I wouldn't want him to suffer and I am just being selfish. If only he could come back as the Les before PSP came along.
We all echo that - just to turn back the clock ... if only.
Stay strong Pat, I`m sure Les wouldn`t want you to be unhappy. We have to accept whatever life throws at us and muddle our way through (in my case anyway) to make the best of it.
My thoughts are with you at this most difficult time.
Thank you Marie. It was lovely snuggling in to him. It was the only thing I could do to try to ease him on his way. I am feeling so lost as I took him to a cafe on the beach every Saturday. The pain of PSP continues with me. I loved him so much and now don't know what to do. Every where I look there are memories and it's really hard knowing he is in a better place now so I am being selfish. If pnly he could come back as himself before PSP.
It will be a tough road ahead Pat, I can't sugarcoat it. But I'm sure Les would want you to go on and enjoy life to its fullest. It's been 16 months since the passing of my wife and I'm still a little numb. I frequently relive those last few years, all the care I had to give (which I loved doing), and also those final moments when the angels took her away. May Les rest in peace and may you find peace knowing he is in a better place.
So very sorry for your heartbreaking loss! Glad you were able to be with him at the end as I'm sure it was comforting for him. Blessing to you as you move forward!
Pat so sorry for your loss. But it was good you could be with him. You all have so many good memories hold on to those. One day at a time one step at a time. GOD BLESS YOU ♥️♥️♥️♥️
I hope so. But the times I was cross with him for breaking things when he fell are haunting me. I hate myself as I know he couldn't help falling. There are so many good memories but the horrid ones are in my mind constantly I loved him so much and hate myself for being cross with him.
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