New Stage

I have at least three months of hell. My husband has dislocated both shoulders in this time. The last dislocation was 5 weeks ago and they held him in hospital until they got a care plan in place. We get a carer for one hour in the morning and night. He is very angry as he says he wont be restricted but his mobility is very bad and we are trying to keep him safe. The first morning a lovely man arrived and my husband was so bad with him would not have a shower so the man insisted in washing him in the bed he was livid with this. The carer said it will take time. The next day a woman came and I could not believe the difference in him he had a shower she shaved him and chatted with him it was much better. The next day another woman and everything was ok, then the male carer arrived the next day a lovely man but my husband was very hostile. God I feel so grateful receiving the help and I dont want to say how uncomfortable he is with the male. Has anyone else had experience with this. I keep going over it in my head and in the beginning of his condition I found it very hard to deal with and went for councilling and after awhile I was told my husband was more comfortable with womans company. He had no hobbies or friends and only went to work and home to his family. He loved his family and did everything for us. He was in total control and happy with this. I often encouraged him to maybe go with his work mates for a drink but he never did. My husband is so angry with not having control and seems to blame it on me. Please I would welcome any advise I can get. Thanks Ron.

14 Replies

  • Aww Ron

    I think it's a lot to do with them having lost all empathy and of course they get angry! I know I would! My dad gets angry frustrated and says we don't understand, well to be honest, how can I completely understand?! Re the carers, I'm afraid that takes time for them and us to adjust, and he will, but it will take time! I can't imagine someone strip washing and dressing me, oh god, they've lost all control, bless them! I think for men, it's probably very difficult to have another man doing their personal care, but needs must and all that and I'm sure the carers have seen it all before many times! Big hugs x

  • Ron georgebwas like that at the beginning, he was also in totally control before all this, but now he is ok with it hang in there, things will get better, it is hard on us, the empathy has gone and but I am sure they understand that they have upset us, but this illness takes over. Sending you a hug Yvonne xxxxx

  • Thanks Yvonne xx

  • Thank you so much for your reply. Hope it settles down with the carers, but the total denial is very hard. xx

  • #1 It's not your fault.

    #2 His symptoms may be a part of PSP

    #3 His symptoms may be a part of him! He always had control and now he does not! If thats not hard I don't know what is!

    #4 Even if he is lacking empathy, he still considers his needs..and "any man touching me there is not going to get invited!!!" Even though he does not give you the same empathy, you do have to feel for your husband gettin ogled by another man......not comfy!

    #5 Now that you know this gentlemen prefers ladies....and if you are ok with it , perhaps female nurses are the way to go for your husband!

    #6 If your hubby did not like to socialize back then , I don't think you ought to worry about it now...

    #7 Be happy


  • Well said AVB.

    HI Outland, I couldn't have summed up what you are going through better than this. It's extremely hard getting use to having Carers coming in. Personally, I would just leave them to it, let them sort out your husband. It won't be the first time, they will handle it a lot better by themselves. Also, it will be giving your husband a bit of control back, he has two choices, to accept or not, but DONT give up the carers!!!

    You aren't the only one who has been to blame for their husbands illness. Mine was fine until I interfered. Not sure how I personally gave him this evil disease, but yes, it's all my fault. Hey ho!!!

    Lots of love


  • Hey Ho :)

  • Thanks Heady Yes I will leave them to it cant loose this help. I cant believe I cant sit here while they get him ready for bed and in the morning I can just have a cup of coffee and relax. Yes he blames me for his illness , so just have to ignore it . Thanks xxx

  • I really struggle, each time more help and extra Carers come in. But now, if I get interrupted, whilst having my breakfast and first cup of coffee, the rest of the day doesn't go well! We do need these Carers, our husband especially need them. It's what's keeping them at home, where they want to be. So don't feel guilty, enjoy your relaxing coffee, without the Carers, our men would be in a nursing home, because we would have crashed.

    Lots of love


  • Thanks Abrike I think I will leave the carers to it, I am sure they have had difficult patients before. It has taken so long to get this help I am not going to loose it.

  • Heady George said I told the doctor he had PSP? Xxxx

  • S was perfectly alright, until I insisted he went to the doctors, the first time he had had a stroke. The second time, it was PSP. Even now, with very little communication, he can still make it known, I bought it all on, by making him go and see the quack!!!

    How have the males in the human race survived? They really are not fit for purpose. I know, it's us stupid females, that cover for them, make them think they are Gods gift. (and we can't do without them!!!)

    Lots of love


  • Yes its so true all our fault. When doctors told him he need help he told them he didnt need help I did. God its so unrewarding. xxx

  • Well said Heady xxxxx

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