I'm so depressed

[lindsey48]

i sold my house a year ago and my husband, kids and I bought a house with mum and dad to look after mum., but it's getting too hard now, and dad is so resentful, and everyone is arguing. I don't think I can cope anymore, my anxiety is getting too bad,.

[LynnO]

I'm sorry about your situation. My mother-in-law moved in with my family years ago. Thought it would be best for everyone. Thought my kids would be closer to their grandma, but not so much. It is very stressful when every you have someone else move in with you whether they are your parents or not. selling and then buying together I can only imagine how stressful that was. The best intentions sometimes don't work out well at all. Is there a basement or separate living area so the 2 families can have their own living space? Maybe a family meeting to see what can be worked out. The stress of caring for someone with PSP is stressful enough without the family being torn apart. It might be time too, to rethink the living arrangements of that is possible.

LynnO

[lindsey48 in reply to LynnO]

Hi. Thanks for replying.

Dad has just told me he wants yo put mum in a nursing home and sell the house.

😞

[NannaB]

If your mum and dad contributed when buying the house it won't be easy changing the situation unless you can do as LynnO suggested and create your own space. I'm sure there must be plenty of happy families where 3 generations are living together but I've never met any but have known several feeling as you do. I've also spoken to the parents who have moved in with their children and grandchildren and sadly, although they loved them, they regretted it. One friend managed to be very happy but they bought adjoining houses with an internal door that allowed access in emergencies only. Your dad had probably been the master of the house for many years, doing exactly what he wanted, when he wanted and now, as well as coping with the emotions of seeing his wife suffering with a life limiting illness, has lost his position in the house. I don't know how old your kids are but having children/ teenagers visit you is totally different from living with them. it must be so difficult for you, caring for a sick mum, looking after your dad as well as trying to keep your own husband and children happy. I wish there was an easy solution but I don't think there is but for all your sakes I hope you can work things out.

X

[easterncedar]

Dear Lindsey, you have been struggling for a long time now. Don't feel bad! Is there any respite care available near you? It sounds like you could all use some time off while you figure out what needs to be done, and maybe it is time to find care for your mother. I asked the social worker a while ago what was her experience with situations like ours, trying to keep our loved ones at home to the end, and she said, basically, that everyone tries for as long as they can, but almost everyone comes to the point where a placement is necessary. You have sacrificed so much, I can only imagine how you feel. Hang on; whatever the current situation, it WILL change. Take care of yourself! Love and hugs, ec

[Amilazy]

Just a thought but probably a grandma suck eggs point, When you bought your joint house did you get any advice from an OT on making life better, a bit late now but it may be worth getting advice. Agree with Easterncedar it sounds as though you need respite, Dad and Mum as well. You and your kids need time to yourselves to rebuild and recharge. If not on CHC try local social services to try and get some night or day sitting service.

Best wishes Tim

[quickjel]

Oh Lindsey! and all you wanted is the best for everybody, a little help all round wouldn’t come amiss. Obviously I have no idea what led to your current circumstances but what does come across from your post is what a wonderful woman you are. I struggled to be a halfway decent carer without all the other pressures. To be a mother, wife, daughter and carer all at the same time, in what has become a highly emotionally charged situation, would stress a Saint. Well done for not simply throwing a wobbly, and if the children are teenagers, ‘doubly well done’.

If at all possible call a council of war, with you as ‘General’ not a squaddie. I’m sure everyone started out wanting it to work so with a big dose of goodwill I hope you can get it back on track. The alternatives look bleak so it’s in every-ones best interests to calmly (as possible!!) discuss the problems.

We are all familiar with mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship issues, believe me the father-in-law, son-in-law relationship, whilst less spoken about, can be equally fraught! I know ‘I are one’ and, because I’m close to perfect, the fault was all on the other side, obviously???

Truly I don’t want to make light of your wretchedly difficult situation, but sometimes looking for the humour, even if it’s the black variety, can help restore the balance. At the heart of this is the welfare of your mum, your dad’s wife and the children’s grandma if everyone stays focused on making her living with PSP no worse than it need be and sharing some of your load, or at least making it no worse, there is a way through.

Keeping in mind the Scottish poets words of what a good thing it would be, to be able to “see ourselves as others see us”; try it on the family, it’s what made me so ‘close to perfect’ mind you it comes from a poem written to a ‘Louse’, which on reflection is probably why it was drawn to my attention!!!!

My very best wishes to you and the family, kindest regards, Jerry.

[mthteach]

I can understand your difficult situation. My daughter remarried 3 years ago. She, her 3 kids (12,11,4), his mother, & his 21 year old son moved in with them.

It was a nightmare for my daughter. The 21 year old dropped out of college and joined the service upon his dad's advice (bad grades). The 3 younger children were put into private school after being home-schooled all their lives. Then, this Christmas, the mother-in-law died. She had Alzheimer's disease. They buried her the day before Christmas eve. Very hard time for all. Nanny was a part of even my husband and I's life. The children moved in with me the last 2 weeks of her life, so that my daughter and son-in-law could take care of her.

Have you tried to get on anti-depressants? Can you put your mother-in-law on hospice? They can guide you through all of this and help take care of her. I wish you all the luck.