Today it really felt like the dreaded holiday depression has arrived. So now we head into the cold windy season, without my love to keep me warm. And I find myself weeping as my husband (PSP seven years) is in another room having an incoherent conversation with himself and his hallucinated friends. He is trying painfully to explain one of his books, a complicated study that he wrote years ago. And to hear him struggling, in this hallucinated conversation started me crying. Sometimes I can't stand the grief of losing him this way. To see what has become of this man now and how many more years this will continue. I fear that I will forget the man he was and only see him as what he is now and even worse who I've become in relationship to him. Will I forget that we loved each other. And it keeps getting worse and worse and worse in the slow relentless manner of a science fiction horror film where some alien thing has come and taken over your partner's soul and only you know.
So into Thanksgiving, Christmas, our forty-sixth wedding anniversary, and New Years. There is no easy way around this; he is severely demented, bent over, shrunken, shuffling , wild-eyed, befuddled, 100% dependent, in distress, anxious, miserable all of the time, confused, tense, worried, inappropriate, and all the rest. This isn't a question type of post, just a reaching out to those who understand the painful loneliness of the holidays this year. Happy Holidays ( somehow).