Like many people I wrote a list a few days before the New Year and I had every intention of following the list to the letter. Well, it came to New Year’s Eve and I was as happy as anyone, I was with my family and friends as the clock struck midnight but then all of a sudden it hit me....it’s been threatening for months, years perhaps but there it was at midnight on New year’s Eve. In slow motion I watched as everyone cheered, hugged and kissed their loved ones "Happy New Year!” I stood there frozen to the spot, tears running down my face. Years gone by we have always said "it can’t be worse than last year!" but this year the only thing I could think was its going to be worse, a hell of a lot worse.
Dad has deteriorated drastically over the past year or so and is now down to about 9 stone....I am over a stone and a half heavier than my dad (heavy bones!). He can hardly open his mouth to eat so we have to feed him mushed up food, he now has a catheter which we have to empty every hour, he can’t speak although that has been the case for years. If you looked inside his body you would see that everything is working fine, he has a healthy heart, lungs are fine as are all other internal organs but it is just a matter of time before his brain starts shutting them down. So this year we have to deal with more of this. I so wanted to go into this year with a positive attitude but to be honest, its wearing a bit thin now and I’m tired. I know that Mum and my Sister probably feel the same as we all carry this around with us every single day, there is no let up, no respite. You have to be realistic, I’m losing hope and I’m sure there is some quote somewhere that says "As long as there is hope etc." but what happens when that hope is gone? What is left after hope? This year it is very likely that we will have to deal with the death of an amazing man, knowing that is very very hard, dealing with it is a huge challenge.
The past week has been really tough; I feel like I can’t look to the future and see happy things, I can’t find the positive thoughts that have seen me through up until now. It is also likely that I will be pregnant at some point this year and having lost 2 babies already even that doesn’t get me through. Our lives are not normal lives, everything we do revolves around a dying man - some part of the grieving process we have been through already but there’s so much more to come. I suppose what has hit me while I have been writing this is that we are strong, we are strong together - me, Mum, my Sister and my Husband. Our lives will not start again until Dad has gone and let me tell you the guilt of thinking that makes me feel so so sad and like I’m a horrible person. I’m just being honest and I think I know you all understand. Amy x