I have been visiting Health Unlocked for a long time now in the course of researching and information gathering for my husbands advanced PCA. There are wonderful people with great expertise on this site.
Unfortunately, my husband Terry lost the nine year battle with his cancer and died on 11th April 2018. He went downhill quite rapidly in the last couple of months when the metastases in his liver really took off despite chemo and Lu-177. He died at home, in our bed with our daughter and myself nursing him for his last five days. He died peacefully with us beside him.
The last nine years of our twenty two years together revolved around specialist appointments, treatment appointments, various drugs, research and more research. When we had the chance in between we lived our life to the full going off in our caravan.
Despite the fact that I had nine years to be prepared for Terry's death, I wasn't prepared at all for this devastating loss of my best friend, confidant, champion and soulmate. I can't help but wonder how many others have and are and will go through this and where is the support for them? Maybe some have big, supportive families but maybe others do not. Perhaps there needs to be support thread for "The End of the Road" that continues for those of us left behind.
I have wonderful memories of a wonderful man who was my everything and now I am lost. I know how hard Terry tried to stay alive for so long despite awful treatments and awful side effects and I know that I have to try to stay alive too, but it's hard!
Written by
laurac2
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Oh my dear, I'm truly sorry to hear of the loss of your Husband. Take comfort of the love you share for each other and the beautiful memories. You both were bless to have each other. I can't help to think sometimes when or if I will go through something like this. Unfortunately with cancer things can change quickly. I pray that God will give you peace, strengh and courage. You are not alone. I send you a hug🙏💛
Hi Laura, .....My name is Lynn and caring for my husband Sam for almost ten years. I'm so very sorry for your great loss, I feel your pain,!! I also have had a good life and wonderful marriage. This is a cruel disease and I know exactly how you feel, There were times, hospital stays, chemo, treatments. Procedures that my husband went through and never complained. It just ripped my heart out, I would go out side and cry my eyes out. Sam was always a strong guy, had his own construction company and was in very good shape, I hate what this cancer has done to him physically. Laura, I wish I had words to heal your broken heart, I can see my husband getting weaker, spending more time in bed. I some times find myself practicing being alone ....Laura, I'm seventy four and Sam is seventy five, I have a daughter and a son who live near by and One sister close by, but I to need someone that can relate to what a caregiver goes through. The fear, hurt and all the emotions we go through.Some times I Think it's harder on the caregiver? Again, I'm so very sorry for your loss, If you ever need someone to,talk to I'm here and would be more than happy to listen. I also would love a support group for spouses who have lost there loved ones. Take care, prayers and hugs coming your way. 🙏🏻💗
Thank you Laura...I've been thinking of you and praying you are finding strength to get through the nights and days. It's so very hard to loose a loved one and no time line on grieving. I know for myself I can't even imagine my life without my husband.Sam has been on a targated therapy drug for a couple months now, supposed to work for about eleven months, the dr. Says after that there are other treatments, but I wonder what quality of life Sam will have.? He's having a hard time on this drug. The side effects are really I'd say almost as bad as the chemo he had been on. Laura, just know I'm thinking of you and I'm here for you to, if you ever need someone to,talk to.
Sending love, hugs and prayers for strength!! I'm so very sorry for your loss, I so feel your pain, because in a way my heart aches everyday. I miss the husband I used to have. This disease has robbed him of the strong, happy, fun loving person he used to be. Laura I dread the day I may loose him, but I don't want to see him suffer, he's been through enough. Like you said we don't know when we may die either, I keep praying everyday that God will give me the strength I need to care for Sam.
thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry that you are going through difficult times with Sam. It must be so hard when the one you love so much changes and becomes a stranger. The drugs may prolong their lives but the damage that they do physically and mentally can be severe.
I was "lucky" in that Terry stayed the Terry that I knew and loved level until the end but physically he became weak, unable to do all the things that he wanted so much to do and this was so hard for him to deal with. And me too because I knew that I was losing him and was helpless. I was strong and did cope with it all right until he left and then... well what do I say. Not so strong now. It's like the past nine years of being strong and supporting Terry and fighting has now taken its toll and there's nothing left. Nothing left of me. Why do people expect you to "give it time, and get over it or move on".... move on where? Why. I don't want to get over Terry. How could I? He is my soulmate. Half of me is gone and my heart is broken into tiny fractured pieces. No drug is going to fix that!
Oh Laura, your words and thoughts are exactly mine. I too have had the strength and been able to care for Sam. Sam is mentally a very strong person and still is. He has never complained with all he's been through, I do enough complaining the both of us!! Lol! There are days I feel like I'm wearing down, but then I'll get a second wind.
I just know I'll be a lost soul with out my husband. It sounds to me you and Terry had a wonderful marriage also and you are right about some people saying get over it, give it time etc. I just know I'll never want to get over Sam if the time should come and I'm to loose him.someting tells me these people who make these remarks have not had the relationships with there spouses that we have had. Laura, i feel like these remarks some people make are to me very ignorant remarks and I consider the source. They don't have the feelings that we have. I have to run, I work one day a week in a local garden center, it does keep my mind off things a little and if Sam were to really need me I'm only five minutes away. Take care, thinking of you, and I'm here for you!!!
Laura- God bless you. I’m sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry for everyone here who has lost a spouse, or is taking care of someone going through this journey.
I’m not a spouse, but I can relate to everything being written here. I think it’s a great idea for a thread. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Thank you Chiquis, Marguerite, Lyn and dadeb for responding to my post. Not easy eh?
We are all on the same journey just at different points on that journey.
The will to live is what drives us and helps us to navigate through all that we have to go through in this life. i believe that "what we have to live for" is the driving force. Terry and I had so much to live for, our great love for each other. We do not have a big supportive family or friends, in fact the opposite. So,we lived for and relied on each other. That was all we needed and wanted rightly or wrongly.
I am sure that we both knew for the past nine years that Terry was going to die but then so could I have died. We are all going to die but we just don't want to think about it. The will to live! So, we try to deny that it is going to happen.
Since the loss of my soulmate, I have concentrated my efforts into preparing for my own death. If that sounds negative or gloomy, that is not what I intend but rather to make both my end easier for me and for those that need to sort out affairs after my passing. So wills and medical powers of attorney and values wish list of what I want and don't want are all finalised. My wishes are known. I think that this is one of the biggest problems in that because we do not want to talk about our death, it leaves those we leave behind in a very hard place making decisions on our behalf. I knew absolutely what Terry wanted as he knew for me. But, it's different when you have to depend on on others for those wishes to be upheld.
I have de-cluttered and sold or given away all that I want to to whom I want to have these things. I am ready to go should the event occur and so now, I will probably be able to take one step at a time until it's my time!
After 17 years of caregiving my husband through PCa I share your pain. It’s only harder now as we are aging and he is experiencing cognitive issues as well as other cancer treatment side effects.
We are all so grateful for our loved ones staying with us and providing whatever comfort they can. You have done a wonderful thing and I hope that you will be able to reengage in life and still find moments of joy where you can.
I am certain Terry would have wanted that for you and I know all of us wish that for our loved ones! as well. Good luck.
thank you for the kind thoughts. I am still here and "still kicking" as Terry would have said. But only just. Each day is so long and so quiet and so lonely. It's loneliness from Terry not being here. The weather here is cold and miserable which means lots of hibernating which suits me well at the moment. Perhaps as Spring comes down the track, things will feel better. Maybe. I don't know.
Lynn, how is Sam going and how are you coping? I think that when we are going through this journey with our soul mates, we are running on adrenaline. Just trying to get them through whatever they have to get through with our love and support and strength. Hopefully, we achieve that and make it easier because it is such a hard journey that they have to go through. Hard for us too I might add but when you love someone, that's what you do from the heart.
Hi, I can only imagine how lonely it is. I some times feel that way even now. Laura, Sam is not the same person.
This new targated drug he is on I think has affected his mind.??? Ive heard there is such a thing as "chemo brain"? At any rate I feel I've lost a part of him already.
There are so many treatments, but what quality of life is
There for our loved ones?? I dread the day I loose him, I can just feel your hurt and loneliness, I share your pain. Like you had mentioned one time we could go first, but I pray I stay strong to care for Sam...... This whole ugly
Disease is a long, hard, scary experience. I live each day scared and waiting for the bottom to fall out.
Laura, the weather here is very hot, we were at a hundred degrees on this past Monday,also very humid.
I work on Mondays at this garden center close by where I live. It's only one day,a week and honest it helps take my mind off my troubles for that day. Naturally, I have my cell phone with me and Sam can call if he needs me. I worked at this garden center full time for many years when I was young.
Sorry about the long reply, I ramble when I'm nervous.
Keep in touch Laura, If it helps you to know you are not alone and I'm thinking of you.
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