Gender reveal

[Freshcucumber]

Hello ladies, Did any of you have a gender reveal party vs not knowing the gender until birth? I would have loved a gender reveal party! But I am in a difficult situation in that while I am very curious about knowing the gender of the baby (I am 22 weeks pregnant), my partner (possibly encouraged by his family) would prefer a surprise at birth. Mine is a donor egg pregnancy and the NHS is providing me mental health support via a specialist midwife who actually encouraged me to find out the gender as this will help me to bond with the pregnancy. I am disappointed my partner sort of ignored even the medical advice I was given and keeps saying maybe a surprise at birth would be nicer… sorry for the mini rant! xx

[Fruitandflowers]

I wanted to find out the gender on both of mine as soon as medically possible - it helped it feel real and like you said with bonding as 'it'/the baby became she. My husband didn't want to know but wasn't adamant and it was pretty impossible for me to know and not him so he gave in as it was much more important to me. I didn't do the whole gender reveal thing but still some of my family point blank did not want to know, they said it was bad luck or would ruin the surprise (neither of those seemed good reasons to me but hey). If you both feel very strongly then that's a tough one. If you don't have a reveal or you could keep it to yourself then maybe that's one way to manage. And loads of people don't find out the gender and they still feel close to the baby. You'll probably find pretty quickly that there will be a lot of similar disagreements on things you both feel strongly about (family visits early on, name/middle name (last name!), co-sleeping/own room, breastfeeding, nursery, school, snacks...) and unless there really is a medical or welfare reason one way or the other, someone will be aggrieved so it's worth picking your battles - if it means a lot to you it's your decision and once they're born it won't really matter.

[Freshcucumber in reply to Fruitandflowers]

Thank you. This is really helpful… I will definitely pick my battles. I am making all the effort here and there should be more flexibility. If he wants a surprise at birth he can have it, I could always go on my own to have a scan, find out the gender and not tell him or any other person we both know 🤷🏻‍♀️

Fortunately we agree on the last names (we are giving both). The first name/s so far have been a disaster: the is no agreement and I had the terrible idea of sharing my first choice with his family and his dad made an unpleasant comment I didn’t like…

I will pick my battles from now on! It’s my first baby so it’s a learning curve xx

[Fruitandflowers in reply to Freshcucumber]

I did think of doing something similar but I knew I would slip up and say she or her. I didn't entirely get the surprise at the birth argument as it will be a wonderful and life changing moment no matter what and you get that particular surprise a few months early is all. But I think it's what we're used to seeing on TV etc and if that's what they've always imagined it can be difficult to move away from that (although birth rarely goes to plan so I tried to have zero expectations - in the end you'll both just be thrilled that you and the baby are safe and well). Names are a but of a minefield too and yes family and friends can be very ready to share their opinions and it does make you question it - I ended up changing my choice because of something my Mum said. But I was a bit unsure of it anyway and if you really like and want a name just ignore whatever people say.

[Boo718]

I never found out and it was the most amazing surprise ever. We are donor too and our bond is amazing xxx

[Freshcucumber in reply to Boo718]

Aww I am happy for you.

Did you have two names lined up? I admit at the moment I am not bonding much 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Boo718 in reply to Freshcucumber]

to be honest we hadn’t agreed on any names 😂 but we had a couple boy and girls. The bond was after she was born xxx

[Twiglet2]

We had an IVF baby (donor sperm) and the surprise of finding out at birth was wonderful for us. Everything else was so medically timed that this felt like the one thing that was a ‘surprise’ without medical intervention and it also gave me an extra ‘push’ (pardon the pun) during Labour. Its a personal choice but as tempting as it was I would do the same again it was a wonderful moment ✨ xx

[SRA8]

As someone who had PND twice finding out the gender during my pregnancy definitely helped me with bonding. I still got PND but my feelings towards my baby was a lot better than the first time round.

[Freshcucumber in reply to SRA8]

Sorry to hear you had PND.

Sometimes I feel that knowing would help me with bonding too. I had some very challenging initial 17 weeks with severe vomiting and nausea… Horrible!! Then I have been feeling very well, but in the last few days my mood has been going downhill 🤷🏻‍♀️

[JoyfulStar]

It can definitely be a minefield if both parents are not on the same page on a particular issue. Luckily both DH and I wanted to wait till birth to find out the gender. There are other things since birth we don’t see eye to eye on so yes definitely worth picking your battles.

We chose a gender neutral name as I have always been a fan of girls with names that can be considered more masculine. Also bought mostly neutral clothes until she was well over 6 months.

[Millbanks]

We accidentally found out the gender at one scan (where it was painfully obvious) and at first I was really annoyed because I wanted it to be a surprise, but it did actually help me to start to believe that this pregnancy was actually happening. It didn't seem so much of a "pipe dream" once I knew it was a little boy in there.

I started to picture him and got used to thinking about "him" - I also was keen for a girl (as we have so many boys in my family) so it definitely helped me to feel happy about that (not that it mattered in any way, shape or form!!)

Maybe explain that to your husband and see if he can see it from that point of view.

x

[Zeebee14]

I also found out as soon as was possible at the NIPT test at 10 weeks. Mine is a donor egg baby and it definitely helped me bond. Thankfully we both wanted to find out though so that wasn’t an issue. But with it being donor egg I would say your wishes trump your partners.

[Freshcucumber in reply to Zeebee14]

Good point! 😀

Did you also get to choose the name/s?

We spoke in the meantime and he’s now open to find out the gender if it helps me! But I don’t want to force something upon him either…hard decision!

When I got pregnant for me knowing the gender as early as possible was the most obvious thing, I hadn’t even considered keeping it secret to us until the delivery… I didn’t know certain couples prefer that 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m very inexperienced of course! Can’t believe I am almost 23 weeks now and still no idea…

😘😘