What’s wrong with me?

[Jina4416]

I have felt like this for a long time. Since my first was born (3 yrs ago). On a bad day> I will cuss and curse to myself (sometimes I curse myself for being stupid and tell myself off for doing what I did) and just hate the fact I had kids. I wish I never had kids. They piss me off. I was worse with first baby I got ok but it’s all coming back again a year after having baby number two. Their cry irritates me, they don’t listen and I’m constantly shouting. I hate this feeling I told my husband he told me it’s in my head and I need to fix up. He says he’s worried when I’m alone with the kids. He says he doesn’t trust me. He says I’m not being as a mother should be. I want to be a good mother but everyday is a drag. I feel I’m in a loop Everyday the same sh**. I feel like I want to run away. My husband helps me with a mood/attitude and he also slams in my face that he is helping and he isn’t supposed to be doing those stuff it’s my job then threatens not to do anything. He always complains that I do things wrong and i feel I’m incapable and the worst mother in the world. I sometimes cry myself to sleep and scream into a pillow to let that negative energy out. I don’t hurt the kids I attend to their needs and play with them etc but those bad days are just the worst thing I experience. I feel I’m constantly taking 3 steps back after taking a step forward. I am disabled too, I can’t walk/stand properly/ for long and I need to rest after doing a little bit of work this just makes me feel even more useless. Atm I hate my life I literally feel like a prisoner in some horrible nightmare. On good days I’m really energetic and positive and getting things done around the house puts me on high but those days are becoming rarer. Should I just stop feeling sorry for myself? Stop thinking about what I want and just get a grip? Am I being selfish? What is wrong with me?

[Hidden]

Sorry to hear how you're feeling, it sounds like you could have a bit of depression & with the current situation being indoor doesn't help.

Have you spoken to your doctor about how you're feeling? They can suggest medication or counselling? Have you got a close friend or family member you can talk to?

Please dont keep how you feel bottled up, talk to someone asap. If you want to talk to me please feel free to message xx

[Jina4416 in reply to Hidden]

Hi sam, I knew there was something wrong with me in terms of having depression but everyone I talked to just made it out as if it will go away and I’d be fine. I don’t like talking about my feelings with family or close friends tbh I’d rather talk to a stranger and someone who has been through it. I kept telling my husband that I feel depressed and I need to talk to someone, he just says I’m being weak and that the doctor is not going to help me unless I help myself?! So I just didn’t bother going. I think I will see a doctor once lockdown is lifted.

[BobbieAnton]

I have felt similar to this with my first born. Tired, hormonal, depressed. Definitely speak to the Docs.

[Mmmpudding]

I have three children 21 months, just turned 4 and 5. It is normal to find it difficult. There are of course mums who are patient and never shout. But the majority of us do and we get annoyed by our toddlers. Iove my children dearly but during lockdown, I hate it all (don’t hate them but hate being a mum) from the moment we wake up till the moment my youngest is asleep (5pm). They mess everything up, fight with each other over any and everything, eat non stop and whinge and whine all day. And worst of all they call me ‘mummy mummy’ all day long. Many would call me ungrateful but trust me I love them and I would do anything for them but it is more than ok to not enjoy it day in day out. I never really sit down and play with them either. I don’t read to them. I am just not that kind of mum. I find it a chore to have to prepare meals for them and bath them. I can’t wait for schools and nursery to reopen so I am free all day Mondays to Fridays. I am the kind of mum who foster their independence from a young age and push them academically (yes even they are still so young). I am strict but I do give them lots and lots of cuddles and kisses before sending them to their rooms at 5pm because after that I am free in the evenings. My youngest is asleep by 5pm and the other two will go into their own rooms and read or play quietly or go on their iPads at 5pm and I usually go to say good night to them after my supper (no we don’t have suppers as a family as everyone seems to brag about) at 6:45pm. Every mother is different. We have our own style of parenting. I am just not a mother who is nurturing and gentle. I am not good with children, I am awkward and I don’t do baby talk. My husband is more or less the same as me. But my children are happy, they flourish at school and I’m the proudest mummy at parents’ meetings. Children are very adaptable and there isn’t one best way of parenting. You are going fine. Most day I can say that I don’t like my 1 and 4 year olds. But it is not their fault. Until they are 5 I know I won’t enjoy them. I now love my almost 6 year old, we can have a chat and do grown up things together. Although I was tough with her and even dismissive of her when she was younger, we have the best relationship now. Lots of people will judge me for not paying them enough attention, and questioning why I have so many children even I don’t like them much. Well I love them and I know they are turning out ok, they are respectful, kind and loving. I am sure you are doing a great job and being an excellent mother. Don’t be so harsh on yourself. Your children want to see you leading them and guiding them and be silly with them. I may only spend half an hour to an hour a day cuddling, laughing and playing with my children but that’s enough. We are allowed not to enjoy it.

However, i do feel that you might be a little depressed, speak to your gp and hopefully after some treatment (antidepressant, talking therapy etc) you will be a little more cheery and feel better about yourself. Just remember most mothers are shouty and find the days long but the years short. Chat soon xxx

[Jina4416 in reply to Mmmpudding]

Wow this an eye opener. I didn’t realise how many different parenting styles there are. I love that your kids go to bed/bedroom at 5pm! That’s amazing you get so much time to yourself. My kids sleep at 11pm wake up at 9am. This is not what I imagined when I had kids but my husband won the style he wanted which is the kids go to sleep when they want and wake when they want! I’m hoping this changes when they go to school.

I do love my kids and I find them so cute and my eldest says the most heart warming things. I know they love me too and I do feel bad when I shout. I love playing with them and reading stories and definitely be silly with them. It’s just those off days I don’t feel myself and it just puts me off the kids, cooking, cleaning -just everything. My husband works non stop and I don’t feel comfortable asking him for time off coz he just makes me feel guilty for saying I need time away from the kids.

Thank you for sharing a piece of your daily life it really helped. I will go to the gp once the lockdown is lifted. Thank you xxx

[Mmmpudding in reply to Jina4416]

You sound like a brilliant mum

Why not give your gp a call and they might be able to send you a prescription xx

[Jina4416 in reply to Mmmpudding]

Tbh I take a lot of medication for my bad hip and I hate taking medication in the first place. Do you think I have to take medicine? Would talking/ counselling help?

[Mmmpudding in reply to Jina4416]

I am sure therapy helps too but meds usually work and they are a quick fix. Everyone is different so do what works for you, there is no right or wrong about this 😘