Feeling lost

[Eva79]

Hi,

Not even sure where to begin...if at the start it will be a long one, but maybe that's best. So sorry for the novel in advance.

I fell for my partner because he was very easy going and loved his little son who was 3 at the time. He was such a little monkey, you could not NOT love him. His mother was as difficult as an unhappy woman can be, nasty most of the times and openly trying to mess up our relationship. We prevailed.

Then her dad died and she was left without support. So she decided to move close to her mother. She packed and went, taking little one without my partner's consent. He went through court to get visitation and living arrangements settled. I have fully supported him, at times heartbroken from missing the wee lad and seeing my man brought down, sometimes angry at his ex for doing this and the government for allowing it.

A decesion was made, wee man is with his dad during all school hols and with his mother the rest. No support from dad as he will be paying for plain fairs for getting him and returning him. And this is where all started to go wrong for us.

I was told by my partner that his son is not my concern, do not get involved in his up- bringing so his mother has no reason to quarrel. This was hard to swallow, but tried to get over it.

When he was here he was first - was fine by me as long as I was involved. But I was not, not the way you would expect when you're in a relationship. Whatever little one wanted, he got, as his family felt sorry for him for going through all he did. My partner never said it, but he felt guilty for "failing" his son. I disagreed with this, told him spoiling him will backfire later, not just for him but for his son too. He told me how would I know I have no kids.

Then I fell pregnant. I was over the moon. He was a good dad even tho unreasonable when it came to his son - but then I kept telling myself I've never had a child yet let alone one taken from me, so tried my hardest not to judge. Then he told his son about our baby. Without me being there. I felt left out. This was my news too, I was part of our little family, wasn't I? He did not see it that way. He is HIS son, I wasn't needed there when he told him. Again I thought I'm overreacting and left it like that.

My daughter arrived and I was over the moon. I'm sure all of you knows the feeling who is a mom.

Then she was 2 months old when summer holiday started and his son came. He spent all his time with him. Anything I suggested to do together got turned down by him saying his son would be bored doing it. He'll take him elsewhere and I should do what I want. I was floored. It hurt like hell. I just could not understand how can he ignore our babygirl and prioritize his son? By august I applied for a council property. He found out and asked why? I told him why. Told him he has 2 kids he should act like it. Then he agreed and for the last week of his son being here was ok. So we stayed.

Since then every time he is here I have to watch the father of my child favoring his son. We do what he wants. We take his mates to family days out cuz he is bored otherways. Christmas is hell as we buy presents separate. He buys our daughter 3 things whilst spends hundreds on his son. He says it's cuz I buy for our daughter too. Yes. But his son's mother buys for him as well. But that is different he says.

He is now 11. Our relationship is horrible. I am at fault as I can not stop blaming him for what my daughter is not getting. I know it's wrong, it's not his fault, but can not help feeling that way, even though I KNOW I'm wrong.

He swears at his dad, doesn't do as his told and very disrespectful. Lies and his dad believes him. If our 5 yr old daughter throws a hissyfit he shouts at her. I work 6to2 so he's the one getting her to school. Every morning he shouts and she cries. His son can get away with anything, he would not raise his voice at him. And if I dare to point it out to him I have it in for his son so I imagine things and lie.

Last year he broke our daughter's bed and I was the bad one daring to question him over it.

Now second baby is on the way. You might think I'm crazy to have another child when things are like they are. But when his son isn't about we are good. When I can smoothe over the differences between him and our girly it's perfect.

I can not see how to make him understand he has a favourite and that is why his relationship with his daughter is spoiled. Because she feels she isn't to him what she deserves to be. He just tells me I hate his son and that is only in my mind that he treats them different.

And now with another one on the way I have so many fears regarding this!

Any advice? Am I really overreacting? Am I approaching this the wrong way? It's not just pregnancy hormones. It started 7 years ago. Just need some confirmation that I am doing the right thing trying to fix this rather than walk away.

[Georgina_D]

Sorry but if it can't be fixed in 7 years, I don't think it ever will. God luck in whatever you decide x

[Major2116]

I agree with Georgina. I also don't think that you're over reacting! You're right, just because his parents have separated it doesn't give him the right to act like a spoilt brat. Sorry but he doesn't. He also shouldn't be getting gifts all the time and being spoilt! He should get a treat when deserved and he's done something good! I'm 24, my fiance 26, with a 3 month old son and even I know that.

I imagine he feels guilty for what has happened but it's not his fault. It's life! I honestly don't think he's gonna change anytime soon just because there is another child in the picture. Sorry hun but its been 7 years. If he's not changed after you expressing your feelings and already having 1 daughter, I can't imagine a second child will change his mind. God luck xx

[Eva79 in reply to Major2116]

Thank you x It is a horrible decesion to make. He does not see it the way I do and it makes me doubt myself. That's why I'm dreading to do anything. 😞

I'm hurt and scared and still don't know what's best.

Thank you for your comments xx

[Sisi07 in reply to Eva79]

Have you thought about going for psychotherapy or counseling? It can really help you to see a clearer picture, balance your emotions and realise if you're overreacting or not. Understanding the point of view of the other is very important, it doesn't mean accepting it as true, but seeing in a different way, and being able to express your point of view without causing a reaction is also important but sometimes we have to learn how to do it. I've had somethings said to my husband over few years, he couldn't see, he couldn't understand so he couldn't change. Somehow, when we got to a very difficult point, I made it so clear that he finally got it and changed. It takes time sometimes to be heard and to hear. Psychotherapy can help you a lot. I think you can still fix your relationship, if you're fine together, if there is love, there is a way forward. Good luck Hun.

[Eva79 in reply to Sisi07]

Thank you for this xx makes me feel less like doing something I wasn't sure doing and never thought of getting professional help on the matter. Would my GP a good point to start with this?