Separation from partner

[Mango401]

Hi, my little man is now 14 moths old and is just completely my world. Mine and my partners relationship is staring to fall apart and we are on the verge of breaking up. Obviously you never imagine yourself breaking up with the father of your child, and I feel as though Ive almost failed as a mother to provide a family for my son. It terrifies me the thought of having to share him, especially as his dad sometimes needs asked to do things with him. If my partner moved out, he would move back in with his mother, and his mother can be quite vindictive aswell. I can't imagine being separated from him for days of the week, or the thought of him crying and crying as he is very attached to me at the moment. Me and my partner have been together 5 years before our little one came along. Never in a million years would I have seen this coming, but we are now two different people who argue on a daily basis. I'm literally tearing myself to pieces over this. Has anyone gone through a similar experience?xx

[grcabe38]

Hi - I am sorry to hear that you are feeling this way and in this situation. I felt similar when my DS was 6mths old and it continued until I left the relationship when DS was 26mths. It is not unusual for a mum to make a new baby the centre of the family and for the partner it can be hard to know what the expectations of them are (i say that with hindsight). I strongly recommend counselling for you (and your partner) -Relate were amazing for me - to allow you to explore your feelings and help you to get to the right answer for all of you.

[Hidden]

Yes I agree with grcabe. The first few years with our little ones are amazing but also unexpectedly emotional and pretty all-consuming! There are all sorts of emotions and hormones! I'd encourage you to try Relate Councilling before giving up on your relationship. You might be able to get out the other side, together. Good luck.

[Hopeful15]

I agree with both previous comments. Relationships go through all kinds of ups and downs for thousands of reasons - ill health, financial inequality, deep seated family issues etc. We're having our first baby this week after 18 years together - and we wouldn't have made it this far without working through the bad times and Relate came to our rescue a couple of times. But I'm also aware how the change may drastically effect our relationship. Sometimes something happens that knocks you and your partner off kilter and sometimes you're too busy or tied up in emotion to realise you both need a time out, a space to retreat, regroup and replan how to move forward together. Love can be rekindled. Even when you believe it cannot. Before breaking up for good, for your own peace of mind, make sure you've both done everything to ensure this is the right decision for all of you - sometimes this means asking for and accepting help from an independent third party. Relationships are a learning curve that never stops curving Try Relate first. If you still need us, let us know and we'll come running xx

[VRT102]

I haven't personally, but I am a child of my dad's second marriage. He stayed in his first marriage for much longer than he wanted to for the sake of my half-sisters, despite the arguing. My half-sisters have said since that they wished he would have left earlier, not because they wanted him to go but because they hated the arguing and it made them unhappy.

I guess what I'm trying to say, in a roundabout way, is that if you are confident you want to split up, don't prolong it too much because your little boy will pick up on the atmosphere and it will affect him emotionally.

That said, if you're not sure, surely it's worth one last try? Having a baby is very stressful on a relationship and can have an effect. If you and your son are so close, your partner may be struggling with where he fits into the family dynamic. Sit down and have a talk without arguing. Go out on some dates, etc, try and find what made you fall in love in the first place. Maybe try counselling. It's worth a shot for your little boy, and you might come out the other end stronger than ever.

But whatever you decide, don't feel guilty, you're doing your best for your beautiful little boy, and he will love you whatever happens.

Good luck with whatever you decide, and chin up, things will get better x

[Daddo]

Yes, get counseling. My wife and I went through some very difficult times and are just now getting our relationship back on track - our child is two. You will have hormonal changes that will wreak havoc on your perception, and most of us men have not been well equipped to deal with the massive life changes a new child brings - we deal with our emotions and problems in a much different way (these are generalities of course).

If you had 5 (good) years prior to the baby, then chances are the life changes brought on by being parents are the issue. If you can sort them out, with help, then you can get back on track.

But you will need help, and you will BOTH need to be willing to do this.

Your partner might also like the fatherhood book by Jeff Spence, if he is into reading at all. There are also books like "What to expect while you are expecting" and that kind of thing. Check online.