Who's more artful , our pets or us

[Bazzak]

Did I read that sign right?

In an office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

.

.

.Brought 800 cigarettes back for my friend after my holiday,

"How much do I owe you?" He enquired

"£385", I said,

"Heavens sake, that's dear. Where did you go?" He shouted.

"Bournemouth" I replied.

.

The rain was pouring down.

Standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub and looking very down and out, was an old chap holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Fishing" replied the old man....

Feeling sorry for the old boy, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a smart ass, can't resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth", says the old man.

.

.Yesterday, I told my friend that her eyebrows were too high. She seemed surprised..

.

.

Today I put on my sensible walking boots and a rucksack, picked up my walking stick and went up to the Peak District, walked for about 5 miles, stopped, sat on a stone wall and had a coffee from my Thermos. Then I walked a further 5 miles, had a chunk of Kendal Mint Cake and then I...

...sorry, I'm rambling!