Horrible thoughts and so confused :(

Hello,

I am completely new to this. I haven't ever looked on the Internet for help or support, but I am fed up with useless GP's!! I got diagnosed with PNI when my boy was only about 10 weeks old but my GP didn't do anything about it. Time passed and I became mentally ill. I took anti depressants and felt a million times better. So I came off them and I started university and things couldn't be better. However recently my mind has gone all wrong again. I've been feeling so alone, I'm not with the father of my child as we were so young, I have a new partner who is brilliant but I can't confide in him as I don't want him to think I'm crazy. I've been suffering about horrible thoughts about my son. I can't eat, sleep and as soon as I have these thoughts I gagging over the toilet. I feel sick even typing it, but I need help. I have researched this morning and I have realised its quite a common symptom for PNI and I'm not the only one suffering. How can I stop these thoughts and worries? Am I going crazy?? I would never hurt my child I love him so much so why do I have these terrible thoughts??

Please reply.

Thank you

T x

3 Replies

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  • Hi there, I sympathise you completely with how you are feeling as I have had this too.This is my first post but when I saw your post I identified with it and wondered if I could maybe help. These scary thoughts are REALLY common but somehow new mums and healthcare professionals don't talk about it. It's SO distressing and disabling when you don't know how to control your disturbing thoughts and your anxiety levels are through the roof but you still have to have a happy face for your baby and the rest of the world. You feel you can't speak to anyone as you don't know what the outcome of your disclosure might be.I found a real strength and comfort through reading "Dropping the Baby and other Scary Thoughts". You can get it on Amazon- it's on kindle/iBooks too. I couldn't believe a book like this actually existed. I immediately realised it was normal! It might be worth having a look at the sample pages of the book? I've just had my second baby and managing to 'control' these thoughts much better than first time around.Sounds like you are very busy. I feel when I am tired that makes the thoughts/anxiety worse so I try to rest as much as I can. Also, its just takes practice to let the thoughts come and go, not give them attention. Hope this is of use to you. Take care. Txx

    Ps. There is another book on antenatal and postnatal depression which I found useful too but I'd need to look for the title for you if you want it.

  • Dear T

    I echo what Tralala says above.

    And I agree the book is useful.

    when I have time I will post soem more books to you that may be useful.

    I also know so well how these intrusive and disturbing thoughts can affect you.

    See my story here : pni.org.uk

    All I can say is my 'baby' is now nearly 24, these thoughts and this time is now for me long gone and she grew up to be a healthy, productive adult.

    PNI is often self limiting, it does not last forever although terrible to suffer at the time. But it helps to be able to talk it though when you have it and get treatment and support.

    But I do not forget how it felt at the time and try to be supportive of others.

    All to few professionals I come in contact with, then and now, seem to understand who common these types of thoughts are and how distressing.

    And not all that have them have PNI/PND.

    I have had at least two friends who had them when their children were small who did not suffer from any post natal illness. Bu the difference between me and then was that they were able to get them in perspective, as an over -protective, heightened worrying about their child’s safety and their ability to do what is an amazing and very hard job - bring up a child from a baby and keep them safe.

    So while they had these thoughts too, they were able to shrug them off and not worry about them too much.

    I was not able to, they obsessed me and made me more unwell than I was as it was a viscous circle.

    All I can say is it really helps to get support. If you cannot as yet tell anyone else talk to others who have suffered online. Try our forum: pniorguk.proboards.com/

    Others will be there for you.

    Although most fear going and telling their GP, the medications, counselling and cognative therapy do help many.

    If you are not ready to tell your GP about the thoughts, just go and say you are anxious and think you have PNI, and see what treatment they can offer.

    Please come back here and/or use the other forum.

    We will be listening

    Veritee xxx

  • Thank you for the support, I have been to the doctors today and been prescribed some anti depressants same ones as last time, so hopefully they will work as well as last time so I can get back to uni and be a good mum to my son again. My partner is being so supportive even though I can't open up to him properly. I have signed myself up to the local well being clinic to receive some CBT and I am going to carry on with the hypnosis to see if it helps. I will be coming back on here as you have all been so helpful and don't feel alone anymore. You really have helped me feel confident enough to go to the doctors and get help again. Thank you all xxx