Today started off bad, but feeling abit hopeful tonite

[aysia]

My son didnt sleep too good last night again, so had hardly any sleep yet agian.

Got up this morning feeling really down and tearful, didnt want to be in the house on my own with the kids, the baby was crying everytime i put him down, my son jus wouldnt stop crying, and it really got to me i felt so angry and upset because it felt that no matter what i done it wasmt good enough, and it was only 7.30am. My daughter woke up at 8 and wasnt feeling right so she was not in the happiest of moods and i jus couldnt take anymore. I rang my mum but as she lives a distance away it would take her a while to get me. So feelinv amxious at being on my own with the kids i got them and me dressed put the baby in the pram anx went for a walk up to town. I had bad panick attack and thought tp myself i need something to get so i decided to but hair dye. And i did. Me and my daughter sat on the bemch nd had a pasty, the firzt time we have done this so it felt good.

I got her a new beaded bracelet and we headed home.

I got home and its like as soon as i got through the door the baby started crying and my dauggter started moaning. Its like they hate being in the house alone with me. And i didnt wamt to be thwre either.

My mum came down and took my daughter out.

The health visitor came and i told her how i felt and that i was frightemed of gping to the drs as i didmt want them thinking that i was incapable of looking after my childern as i cpuldnt cope if anyone thouvht i was ill treating them. She assured me that no one wpuld think that as i always put the kids first amd they are loved amd well brought up. Jus doesmt feel like that. She set up for me to go see the drs nxt week and for someone to come to the house to help me keep ontop of household chores. Ive welcomed this.

My mum went home and i broke down. Im fine when im with someone but as soon as im on my own i fall apart. It frightens me at how bad i fall apart.

My partner came home from work and i wemt to mg friends for a coffee.. i got back home and and felt in a good mood.. Im so unpredictable with my moods lately im like a yoyo.

My son has gone to bed quite easily so im hoping hell sleep well.. I need sleep so badly.

Well that my day today. Hopefully ill have a good day tomoro..

Xxx

[VeriteeFounder TRUSTEE PNI ORG UK Volunteer]

Dear aysia

i too so hope you have a good day tomorrow. Hopefully you will. I found that at first all days were bad but gradually I got good days among the bad, and now I realise so many years later , that this was the start of my recovery. I do so hope it is the start of your recovery.

But yoyo moods was very much how it was for me, up one minute down the next, so I relate very much to what you say here, but as time when on I got less downs.

I am not any expert at all but research has shown that with or without medication PNI/perinatal illness/PND whatever you care to call it. is self limiting?

Which means that most of us recover in time. I did not take any medication and this was certainly so for me.

My pattern was, when my daughter was born just struggle through, I did not realise I was ill, 8 months later I knew I was ill, every day was bad, 18 months later I started to have good and bad days. This was the beginning of my recovery, but it did take a further 3 years to be fully well.

My heart goes out to you.

You say you and your daughter sat down and ate a pasty? I know the joy of that!!

It is small things that really help and a shared pasty for me is one of them.

Not assuming anything but I live in Cornwall , in a village near Falmouth and a shared pasty on a bench in town with my child is something I really enjoyed.

Veritee xxxx

[aysia]

Thank you very much.. Your comments are appreciated as its comfprtng to know that im not lalone. Im finding this site very uselfull and supportimg. Knowing what im writing isnt gnored. Xxx