My son didnt sleep too good last night again, so had hardly any sleep yet agian.
Got up this morning feeling really down and tearful, didnt want to be in the house on my own with the kids, the baby was crying everytime i put him down, my son jus wouldnt stop crying, and it really got to me i felt so angry and upset because it felt that no matter what i done it wasmt good enough, and it was only 7.30am. My daughter woke up at 8 and wasnt feeling right so she was not in the happiest of moods and i jus couldnt take anymore. I rang my mum but as she lives a distance away it would take her a while to get me. So feelinv amxious at being on my own with the kids i got them and me dressed put the baby in the pram anx went for a walk up to town. I had bad panick attack and thought tp myself i need something to get so i decided to but hair dye. And i did. Me and my daughter sat on the bemch nd had a pasty, the firzt time we have done this so it felt good.
I got her a new beaded bracelet and we headed home.
I got home and its like as soon as i got through the door the baby started crying and my dauggter started moaning. Its like they hate being in the house alone with me. And i didnt wamt to be thwre either.
My mum came down and took my daughter out.
The health visitor came and i told her how i felt and that i was frightemed of gping to the drs as i didmt want them thinking that i was incapable of looking after my childern as i cpuldnt cope if anyone thouvht i was ill treating them. She assured me that no one wpuld think that as i always put the kids first amd they are loved amd well brought up. Jus doesmt feel like that. She set up for me to go see the drs nxt week and for someone to come to the house to help me keep ontop of household chores. Ive welcomed this.
My mum went home and i broke down. Im fine when im with someone but as soon as im on my own i fall apart. It frightens me at how bad i fall apart.
My partner came home from work and i wemt to mg friends for a coffee.. i got back home and and felt in a good mood.. Im so unpredictable with my moods lately im like a yoyo.
My son has gone to bed quite easily so im hoping hell sleep well.. I need sleep so badly.
Well that my day today. Hopefully ill have a good day tomoro..