Next week I travel from London to Toronto to stay with my 91 year old dad who has dementia. His partner of 70yrs my mum died this time last year at 91 years. My siblings have ensured the best of care for my dad daily carers in his home. I have booked an expensive ticket and said I need assistance from my airline. Last time I went I found the journey very challenging . However the most challenging will be family dysfunction. Siblings (70, 65,55, me 68) not speaking/disagreeing/ vying for control) and for me witnessing my dad's cognitive deterioration. Should I still be tapering? Psychologically I will find it so challenging. Any advice very welco.e.
Solo international travel after 2 years shielding... - PMRGCAuk
Solo international travel after 2 years shielding/4 yrs pmr/tapering preds now 17/recent covid
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writered
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Absolutely NO Tapering while travelling or going into a Stressful Situation. Make sure you have adequate Medication with you.
Is it a direct flight? You will need to factor extra Pred in for the time difference in Toronto.
You are aware there will be stressors so that in itself is good, what dose of Pred are you on at the moment?
I find the Airport Stressful at the best of times.
Good Luck 🍀
MrsN
Thanks Mrs.N Yes, a direct flight. Down from 20 pred to 17 but acquired diabetes 2 a year ago and only now being properly addressed by my gp. Trying to do prep re family dynamic. It was my mother who pulled the strings but she is gone. I love my Dad very much . However I am bracing myself and as for the stuff going on between my siblings (I have been "away" for 45 years ) I have to stop myself from thinking I can fix any of it.
You need to put yourself in a ‘detached mode’ you know what’s coming so try n rise above it, if you can. Also try n factor in a test every afternoon & remember we’re always here if you need a sounding board so you don’t let the stress wind you up unnecessarily.
Good Luck 🍀
I find as I've aged I take a low profile in family situations.Its not worth the stress You just concentrate on seeing your dad and enjoy spending time with him.Living far away you really can't do much.My son lives far away but iam glad he's happy.Have a great visit and hug dad!!!
No don’t taper. Many of us will relate to these fraught family situations, I certainly can. A therapist friend of mine has a glass of water beside him when his difficult mother phones. When she says awful things he dips his fingers in the water. This reminds him not to get sucked into the old dynamic and it works. Could you have a little strategy like that, so that you can sail serenely above the old battles? You are there to see your dad and give him your love and to connect with your family but not to enter their dramas. Friendly, sweet and slightly aloof is what you need to be. Remember the glass of water, or twirl your ring. I have a stress ring with tiny silver balls on it that I fiddle with. I hope it goes so much better than you fear. Do not join in with the nonsense that has become a habit with the family, you can’t solve it in a visit, don’t try. 🍀
Jane, thank you so much for the glass of water suggestion. I know it was not aimed at me, but will help enormously.
I still find visiting my mother is so difficult in that I had forgotten all the silly games she plays and then there they are in your face in difficult circumstances and you have (I) forgotten my strategies from 50 odd years ago.
Writered, def do not taper. More likely to need to increase! Whatever you need to do for personal strength, do. If you need to let off steam here - it is safe and we understand.
DorsetLadyPMRGCAuk volunteer
Definitely no reducing, in fact you may think about taking a little extra for the journey itself…and as stated factor in the time difference for doses.
I took my first solo journey when I was on about 7mg to NZ, and not with any of the stresses you are going to experience, but still felt a bit wiped out when I got there….albeit 25 hours total in the air and a day in Singapore thrown in!
But at least, in Business class you can get a decent rest and be pampered, and with airport assistance it’s so much easier all round .
Good luck, and as also said try not to get embroiled in other family matters, you are going primarily to see you dad.
PMRproAmbassador
Well I wouldn't be!
The change in someone you love in 2 years of mental decline is bad enough when it happens gradually, you haven't seen him have you? You need all the help you can get even if it is from a few little pills. You aren't going to be able to rely on the people who should be helping either are you?
Family dynamics are, shall we say, INTERESTING at the best of times. This one sounds as if a different word will apply.
I hope the airport assistance works well and when it does then it makes so much difference, especially at security and immigration as there is no standing around. You always have a seat! And don't listen to anyone trying to tell you "It's only ... do you really need us" - take everything offered!
In as much as it is possible - enjoy the trip.
PS - when you get back berate me as I'm trying to summon up the courage for a trip to the UK. I need to drive really - but the UK at the moment sounds a bit uninviting with trains, boats and planes all in a degree of chaos - hence the car, but now the fuel situation sounds more than just expensive!!!
If you do drive go across to Hull or somewhere that is not a Kent car/lorry park!
Hook to Harwich is good - but I do a grand tour of the UK so one of the short ones in the south is useful. Plus I'd actually like to wander up slowly with no pressure to be at the port to a specific time, Calais is good for that, can't guarantee getting a crossing anywhere else at short notice.
I guess coming over will be easier road wise than going back via Dover.
I was hoping that!!! Could always go across the south first - cost is a bit more of a consideration these days too. Who is running the Hull crossing at present? Anyone? I gather Zeebrugge is gone - liked that crossing too. Maybe the Rosyth crossing will be resurrected - landed 5 mins from one daughter!
Mind you - always detested P&O with a passion! Known as POO in our house but I did hold my nose if they were the cheapest ...
Is Dunkirk still in action? Not sure if DFDS still operating. Google will be busy! Other search engines are available apparently.
Yes - tried Bing by mistake a couple of times. That wasn't a good experience!
Hull restarts 23rd of April it claims. DFDS is runnng out of Dover I think. I do like Portsmouth - Le Havre overnight.
DFDS does Dunkirk too. Dieppe would be nice (especially on mkt day) but Newhaven could be a pain. Lots of swings and roundabouts.
I had one of the roughest crossings ever Dieppe to Newhaven - the other boat made the mistake of emerging to test the waters (literally!) and our captain spun the boat round and shot in before the other captain could change his mind. One boat circled for about 12 hours ...
Have you considered flying or train then car hire? although luggage etc is more of a difficulty.
I said somewhere else - the alternatives are very expensive to be able to do what I normally do to make the most of a single trip to the UK. I have to travel half the length of the UK just to visit my daughters who both work in the NHS so never seem to have any time off!! One is working Saturday and Sunday in the ED this weekend - not even a 2-day weekend for her never mind a long one! Her manager has advised her to have another 2 days sick with Covid (she is still pretty wobbly I think) to "stock up" for the weekend in the ED which is manic anyway these days even without the BHs.
That brought back queasy memories of a crossing by hovercraft - very rough, debate about whether to cancel the 'flight', no, passengers ushered into windowless cabin thoughtfully upholstered in pea green. I leave the rest to your imagination....🤢
Oh gosh yes, it was truly hideous wasn’t it. I’d forgotten. Very rough and everyone vomiting into bags so that even if you were generally a good sailor the smell would set you off. Not sure whether I should thank you for provoking this memory or not… 🤢
Hmmm... shame it's lunchtime! Apologies!🤣
Haha - we had one of those - our first ever camping trip to France and Italy. Ours was the only flight (is it a flight?) that evening as they had to have the craft t'other side for the morning. One of the party had heard that as far back as possible was best in rough weather - but that meant being next to the loos. That wasn't as bad I feared - and for us it was actually a tolerable crossing, just a bit bouncy as we shot from one wave peak to the mext! People were disembarking swearing they would swim back,
The worst was a ferry from Boulogne - we had shopped beforehand and bought a picnic lunch which we sat in the large area with tables to eat - with the sea breaking over the windows at the front. I and the girls headed for the loo early on to avoid the worst - and then headed out to the deck where it wasn't smelly, just wobbly. OH remained in the seating area chatting to someone else from Scotland who was equally unbothered.
And I crossed the North Sea on an overnight ferry in a F10 - I was alone in a cabin in the pointy end, you are lying along the length of the ship. Up, up, up, kerthump DOWN! Repeat ... My feet literally touched the end of the bunk followed by my head at the top. I went for a walk at one point and was chatting to one of the security staff - we had never seen the entertainment so empty!
You went for a WALK? Prosecco in hand, no doubt..very funny description of first feet, then head, LOL🤣 Yes, they were called flights even though mostly underwater.
For an alternative to Google, try duckduckgo.com
But I have google well-trained. It knows not to show me junk ...
Wouldn't dare 😲
That’s one hell of a journey Pro! How long would it take just to drive to Hook? Then all the faffing about on the boat and another hell of a journey when you get to Harwich. What happens if you are taken i’ll (or are just exhausted) on the way and there’s no-one to help you?
I'd take 2 nights minimum now, that's a reasonable drive each day. One way at least I'd aim to travel via Erlangen to visit my mates there. Also have a standing invitation in Mainz with colleagues. Hook to Harwich is overnight anyway. But the main reason I prefer Calais is you aren't left standing if you arrive early - they get you on the first available ferry to get rid of you! I go all round the UK so any given journey isn't that long before a break,
Well you have it well planned out. I must say I would rather be travelling TO England rather than FROM. It took an acquaintance of ours 7 hours to get from South London to Dover ferry recently.
Exactly! No desire to get caught up in any of that nonsense! So I'll avoid it until it becomes more civilised. Never did travel at peak travel times anyway - hardly going for a sun and sand holiday am I?
Not “sun and sand”, no! Is it a quick peak at what is possibly for the future? When you DO make the journey have a calming/slow journey (no rush is there)?
Not really - if you aren't careful I shall travel via Bad Whatever it is where you live 
I think we could probably start a new thread on how to deal with 'Interesting' members of the family! Glass of water is great idea, and the ring twirling. I have counteracted critical family members by listing all the things you have done for other people, and who are appreciative , whilst in the shower...sometimes the list goes on until I am dressed!
Just reinforcing what PMRpro said, take whatever assistance is offered. We can tend to do the, it will be alright, or I can probably manage. I have found it unbelievably helpful. Hope you can spend some good time with your father and that you can stay distant from your siblings disagreements. You might need to have a little, quiet relaxing time each day.
Wishing you all the best writered 😊 I can’t really add to the great advice already given, I can only say take it as easy as you can, and get as much quality time with your dad as possible. I used to prep a bit when seeing my mum who had dementia, always had some music she liked on my phone, as well as a book of poems and some knitting on the go - are there any things like that that might help ‘cue you in’ to your dad? Mum couldn’t actually do any of these things for the last few years but they kind of reminded us both of times together.
I also love the glass of water idea and the suggestion to get a rest every day you can.
All the best to you, I hope it goes well ☘️xx
Thanks and yes I am doing some prep. I have been putting together some prompts in an album. Old b&w photos. He grew up "out west" in Alberta. Apparently he has vivid memories of Calgary and I found a picture of him at the Calgary Rodeo at the age of about 3 on a horse with his Uncle Wilf holding the reins . We will never run out of chat, I envisage sometimes just sitting and holding his hand.
That sounds great! I made a photo album of mum's life when she was 90 and also put in some messages from friends and relatives - it was very useful as she got older ( she was 98 when she passed away). And as you say, just sitting holding her hand was often enough xx
Good luck. Airport assistance is great and takes the stress out of travelling.
Ah, those family disputes, grievances, vying for control and appreciation - so stressful and hardly ever fully resolved since attitudes and reactions become so entrenched over time .. Maybe your 'absence' in the UK (i.e. they have to do all the work in their estimation) is one of the factors your siblings feel aggrieved about and have made you feel guilty - families are quite good at pushing all the buttons where it hurts! Communication is so important, and although technology is wonderful at connecting us around the world, there's nothing like being face to face and picking up on all the body language, with opportunities for each to have their say, and for everyone to give space to LISTEN to each other. I hope you can reach a good outcome, you can only try, and if problems remain you know you've done your best in that direction.
The main thing is to see your well-loved Dad, I love your idea of sharing memories of the past with him through photos, and music /songs seem to be a good trigger for awakening memories. When I cared for my two aunts they both developed dementia, one in a happy world of the past, the other much more aggressive and it was heart-breaking to see their decline but both responded to quiet times and hugs and hand-holding - often very early memories were clear to them and they reminisced for ages - they had colourful lives and we often laughed together.
I hope your travelling goes well, don't taper! And take time for yourself away from any stress, time to process the unfamiliar as well as reuniting with the familiar. And you said an important thing: don't think it is your duty to try and 'fix things'. If they are to be resolved, it will be a collaboration, not one person's responsibility.
Oh dear, your family sounds like my family, it's a blessing you have so many air miles between you! I have had to step back & tell them all, I don't do family dos any more, not well enough to play the, 'happy families game.'
I ditched the more poisonous side of my family many years ago! There aren't many of the rest - they all died off. My brother did keep in touch with the less desirable lot and then got "into" family history stuff. He discovered more than a dozen cousins we didn't know we had and met up with them. And decided it was rather a mistake - skivers and dodgy characters who thought the world owed them a living ...
Oh dear, families can be so difficult....my late eldest stepsister was trouble all her life, loved causing trouble for the family...very different now....
My son is an only one, as is my DIL...she has had all last year to sort out her mother's bungalow, and finding a good care home for her, she says I wish I had brothers and sisters to take some of the responsibility....but I always say, it isn't always so good in families when this happen..they can interfere, or not pull their weight....
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