Has anyone had difficulty with a roommate or live in family member who wants to have an outsider over to visit?
I’m in California where Covid is increasing , and my son lives with me in a senior apartment. He’s met someone online who lives a distance from us and he wants her to visit and stay overnight. He says she’s tested negative for the virus last week?’ but who knows if she’s still negative or even if it’s true. He has had a rough time in life a lot of serious health difficulties, which have made it hard to have a relationship. He still works part time as he’s an essential worker, janitor in an essential office.
I’m under a lot of stress right now, dealing with a flare and lack of support, and I don’t want a stranger in our very small apartment.
I’m having a lot of trouble with this, I’m not a naturally forceful person and not sure what to do.
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Mstiles
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I agree with Ronswife - let them pay for private accommodation somewhere else. You clearly are a very supportive parent who cares a lot abut your son and why shouldn't this be mutual. It would be very inconsequential on his part to put you at any unnecessary risk - and this would certainly be a serious risk. This is hard to do sometimes but you really must say "no !"
Judging by your last post you are under a lot of stress at the moment, this will add to your pain and this situation will only add to your stress. We are having to make difficult choices with this pandemic but you must have somewhere where you can feel safe and your son must consider that. I agree with the others, keep strong.
No, not on, for a number of reasons. Has he met her before other than online? If not, definitely not. I think sometimes when our kids have gone through hell and back and can’t catch a break, we hate seeing them disappointed yet again. It is not your duty to put your mental and physical health at risk when there is an alternative, a hotel, especially so early in the relationship. He is an adult and needs to consider you even if it feels like a setback right now. Forgetting that he’s doing a non-risk free occupation, your private (small) space is not the place to experiment with a stranger. Perhaps meet her outdoors to show willing?
I support the rest. You must put yourself and your well-being first and your son and the lady must understand this. Welcoming a stranger in a small space is difficult enough as it is without the risks caused by the pandemic.
You're in California, currently among the hottest of hotspots on the globe.
No one should be entering your apartment for anything short of a dire emergency. And you should be insisting on some pretty extreme hygiene and distancing measures at home with your son, given his job.
Testing is important but far too infrequent. And the test only tells you whether the person tested had a readable level of the virus in their system at that moment, assuming the test results are accurate,
Those suggesting hotel rooms are not thinking things through. If she's an asymptomatic carrier, she could infect your son, who then could infect you.
As difficult as it is, we have a responsibility to behave in ways that minimize the chances of getting or passing on the virus.
There are an awful lot of things to consider here. Is she also in California? Is she in a place where Covid is very active, or a place where there are at present few or no cases? What is her occupation, and those with which she closely associates? You're unlikely to get the answers for yourself but I think these are questions your son should be asking her. And he is in a somewhat risky occupation so she needs to be told that for her safety, too.
My recommendation would be that they meet somewhere outdoors, stay distanced but have a nice conversation, maybe a bite to eat together, a distanced walk (no holding hands!). Neither of them should be staying in each other's places, or with each other even away from you, until this whole Covid thing is settled - it dies out or we get a vaccine. Or until the visitor has quarantined alone for two weeks.
Btw my brother-in-law who lives in California has recently trained as a contact tracing volunteer. I must ask him how that's going. The training was many hours!
Today my doctor said to me (as he sadly had to put me back on prednisone) “please please please remember this affects your immunity so you and your family will have to take extra precautions now with Covid....I say this because I want to see you back here for your next appt...” Then he offered to speak to the family if needed!
I’m thinking this lady is probably fairly mature and by her own standards would prefer some privacy and not to meet your son/yourself in your apartment. On that basis alone meeting outside of the apartment is preferable - organise a picnic / a long walk or or or other. This is likely to be much more pleasant, private/special and without any embarrassment or tension. Altogether a gentle way around for all concerned..
Stay well, stay safe and relax.
PS my adult son responded very well when I gently pointed out my difficulties with babysitting his young children in a very very small unit.
Need to consider that he could be infected and then the virus will be bought into your apartment by him after her visit is over.either she visits and stays at a safe distance from him at all times[no sharing her hotel room for the night ]or they re-think their plans. Please don't compromise your mental and physical health,best wishes!
I agree, let them get a hotel room. Sell it to your son on the basis of them being able to spend time alone together. If he wants you to meet the friend do so in an outdoor space and keep 2m apart to maintain social distance. Make sure your son keeps up his handwashing and doesn't get lax around you.
I would not. I have a son 29 who lives with me. He was going to have lunch with someone-not even bringing someone to my home. I said if he did that I'd go to my parents home for 2weeks. At first he said I was being unreasonable. I explained I am at higher risk and his grandparents are at extremely higher risk. He understood and didn't go. He has had, and still has tremendous issues (serious adversity), but should he infect me it could kill me or cause serious damage to my health long term. There's also the additional point that if your son infects you, or his friend infects you, he would suffer tremendous guilt the rest of his life. All that being said, I believe he would understand the logic. These are not normal times. We are not being selfish. This too shall pass, someday.......our children can once again have normality. As will we if we are careful!
Afterthought, I didn't mention that they could do Zoom and get to know one another. They could make it fun like having dinner together remotely or anything else like a game. Best for all an in person meeting not take place, her included. It's a good time for getting to know someone and anticipating in person dating. Could be very romantic. ❤️
It is hard with a child who has had serious adversity, mine has too. You want a normal life and some joy for them. Glad you were able to work it out with him. My son and I are working it out.
I think we are all very sympathetic to the quandary all of you are facing. I hope they find a way to meet safely in order to nurture the relationship. And in former days, just think, would-be lovers were constantly chaperoned! That would be even worse.
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