Stress City: Okay, think I'm about to enter a... - PMRGCAuk

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Stress City

HeronNS
HeronNS

Okay, think I'm about to enter a tunnel of stress as major as the one which landed me in PMRLand in the first place.

I was half hoping for some "no" answers to the deal makers/killers for putting in an offer on a condo. But the answers were all "yes". It's majorly NOT in move in condition. So on top of doing needed maintenance jobs in our house, and knuckling down to some serious decluttering again, we'll be completely renovating the new place. I think I want to join MB57 behind the sofa, except I'm scared of Tedski.

57 Replies
oldestnewest

Never be scared. This is just a phase. Come on be like me if you can UP AND ON. I know downs bring the mood down but where is the positivity in your situation. It must be somehere? Thinking of you. Virtual hugs. 😊xx

HeronNS
HeronNS
in reply to morrison

Thank you for your words of encouragement. The main positive at the moment is our younger son is going to buy our house. We won't have to shovel snow or mow lawns. But we are comfortable in our house. We were here a long time before we renovated kitchen and bathroom and made them our own, so to speak. I even painted tiles, and made a mural on a kitchen wall. But it should be easier to see people and not feel as isolated as I have since retirement (nearly 4 years ago, a long time to be alone most of the time). So there are major pluses, if there weren't we wouldn't be doing this. It's the thought of all the decisions which will have to be made between now and moving in, that's assuming our offer is accepted. We are offering considerably less than asking price because unit is in such poor, dated and shabby condition. It's in a great building, though, and right across the street from the ferry terminal and the public library and the farmers market. Only fifteen minutes walk from our current home. So, we'll see. I couldn't sleep last night, unusual these days, because my shoulder was hurting so much, like it was out of joint. Finally got a (not very) hot water bottle and it relaxed the muscles and I fell asleep.

PMRpro
PMRproAmbassador
in reply to HeronNS

I like "poor, dated and shabby condition" places - you have the excuse to have it the way YOU want. I have done 2 AWFUL kitchens (long live IKEA and a joiner who listens to you!). I so loved them both - one had a open plan conservatory, the other was a galley kitched and had a bank of drawers on one side, my PMR kitchen, no cupboards to mess about getting things out of,pull out the drawer and there it was :-)

Also I noted we have the we will in there. Not to be rude but I have the I will, no choice there. So if I can do it so can you as we. Xx

HeronNS
HeronNS
in reply to morrison

The "we" is a bit lopsided because one half, not me, has more control over expenditures and the other half, me, has the ideas and the expensive tastes, so there is a lot of stress in that situation, at least for me.

No no you can't go there again, practice your Tai Chi or whatever it is you do to relax - whatever needs doing will get done, they are only material things after all - easier said than done I know - you're feeling very disappointed at the moment but you are also very sensible and will get though it.... Hope you don't mind me saying.

HeronNS
HeronNS
in reply to Telian

Oh it will be all right. but this is the list of what we have to do: complete new flooring, complete new kitchen, update two bathrooms, replace light fixtures, install a heat pump, more for its cooling function than for heating, repair, replace or remove substantial balcony windows, depending on heat pump requirements. This doesn't touch the usual, relatively easy, stuff, like what colour should the walls be, and what furniture will we keep and move with us....

And our house needs electrical upgrade before it's passed to a new owner, even if the new owner is a family member, plus some minor maintenance we'd be doing anyway.

bunnymom
bunnymom
in reply to HeronNS

It will all be so fresh and nice but I imagine that it is over whelming. You can eat an elephant one bite at a time.🐘 that's an elephant but looks a bit like a bear 😊

I'm exhausted listening, wouldn't it be easier to rebuild! Only kidding!!

HeronNS
HeronNS
in reply to Telian

The PMR came on when we were planning to build an addition to our house and our daughter was going to move into the main house. That all fell apart, partly because I got sick, although at the time I didn't really know how badly, and also the contractor was ill too, so things didn't move along as they should have. We had our backyard completely dug up, our garden completely destroyed, and then winter came. That winter we all still remember, the winter from hell where it was almost impossible to walk because of ice for several months. Unheard of. In the spring it took literally months to get the contractor to admit he was too ill to fix things, and then the guy we got instead kind of let us down and it was all a terrible mess. In the middle of this garden reconstruction I was finally diagnosed and my son got very keen on gardening. But my daughter moved to Ontario. I also retired around the time the backyard work was happening (prep for the new structure). And had broken my leg just at the time we started working on the plans for the addition although that healed quickly and well. It was a very stressful time in my life and I'm kind of having flashbacks right now. 😱

Telian
Telian
in reply to HeronNS

I'm not surprised!!! - goodness me that is extreme I have to say - even more important to not get stressed this time....

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to HeronNS

Hi Heron

It’s one of the most stressful things we ever do, moving house, especially when there’s a lot to do.

Mai45 has certainly offered some sound advice, it just looks so daunting but it will be so worth it.

We eventually move into our new home on 15th August after selling on 6th February but today showed us it was all so worthwhile. Darling husband took Daughter in Law to Lunch with her NCT Buddies & Baby Charlotte in her seat in his car, which was all cleaned & polished for the event.

After when we collected them & took them home, we sent DiL to bed for a Nap & we had Charlotte to ourselves! 👼🏻

We’ve been in a rented property since 6th June & are now using that to our advantage while Hubby paints & carpet are fitted, electricians arrive etc.

When l packed up the house, l did a little each day & then rented a Storage Unit so we could get all the boxes out of the way, it’s now like Christmas everyday as I unpack them! I came across a box yesterday which had a label stating “From Upstairs, no real place to pack them, decide when you get there!” It kind of sums it up really!.......

I always had a couple of tasks on the go, so if one made my arms ache, l changed & did something different.

I was going to have a full packing service but with the delay, l ended up doing it all myself, which l said l couldn’t do but l surprised myself!

If it’s what you’d like, then do it, l’m so glad we did!......

Take Care & One Task at a Time!

Best Wishes

Mrs N 📦📦📦📦📦📦📦

Telian
Telian
in reply to Hidden

So well organised I have to say and 'don't you just love it when a plan comes together' as they say! I'm so pleased you're having a lovely time near your family - well deserved, you made it happen! xxx

bunnymom
bunnymom
in reply to HeronNS

😢

~Heron - can you devote just half an hour of quiet time to do meditation?

I have got into this habit most days when I feel my sleep has been disturbed as it has been most nights for very long time - it has & still helping me deal to stressful moments which is magnified so much more (as we all know) on this PMR + journey.

Also my late Father once said to me (when I was worrying myself sick over building a new house in my parents back yard with their help) - "how do you eat an elephant?

Answer: One bite at a time.

I have never forgotten him saying this & it really put life back into prospective for me.

Sending abundant blessings & hugs.

Rugger
Rugger
in reply to Megams

I worked with a woman who told me about 'elephant burgers'!

Could be the right move for you Heron. Careful of that brain racing on ahead with all the snags for change. So many positives you expressed there for it,

Dear Heron, you’ve been a calming influence on so many of us when we post, sorry to see you have all this on your plate. Your posts have certainly helped me. But you’ve explained the reasons why, and they are all positive.

When you look back and you are in your new place, with company around, the market over the road, and your younger son only a short walk away in your own old home, it will be great. Unfortunately the journey there looks humongous right now.

So don’t let it be humongous and scary.

Break it down into small sections. Put them in order, order of importance and order of being implemented. You can’t possibly do all that at once, nobody can.

When you have your list, in order, just concentrate on one day at a time (not easy, especially at the outset, but do try)

Wake in the morning and review what you need to do TODAY.

Not tomorrow

Not next week, just today.

Do it the best way you can and if you are struggling, walk away and lie down for half an hour, then start again.

One step at a time, one day at a time.

Not simple, not easy, but it does work. Honestly.

One day you will look around and realise how far you have come, and one day you will find the great mess of scary tasks are actually nearly ticked off.

If you need to hide behind the sofa some days - do so. And whilst you’re there, put a post on the board and let us know where you are.

PS: whilst I was typing you put more answers on, detailing the background to how you developed PMR originally. Crikey! No wonder you’re apprehensive. I still stick to the One day at a time idea though, because I think you’re going to need it. Just don’t try and do too much of it yourself - try issuing orders from behind the sofa?

(and Megam’s Father was dead right about the elephant)

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to Mai45

Excellent advice Mai45 🌺

Hello HeronNS, I was in your spot three months ago. We had a 30 day escrow, yikes! What I did was pack four boxes a day and as I packed I put aside things we didn't really need or had not used in two years. We went from 2500sq ft to 1600. If I had a day where I wasn't feeling well, I rested. When we moved in I only unpacked the essentials, then I realized I have the rest of my life to unpack the rest, I'm not planning to move again. With that mindset I have gotten most unpacking done (3months later) and whatever I have left is in the office or garage and I'll do it whenever. Life is too short to stress the small stuff! That is my new motto. I hope this helps you!

HeronNS
HeronNS
in reply to pmrkitty

i have to say I hadn't even got to thinking about packing. At least we will have all the time we need from either end as the current home is staying in the family, so presumably we can take our time (within reason) dealing with stuff we won't take with us. I can't imagine 30 days only. Eeek!

You will do it though, as Mai45 says one day at a time or even hour at a time, keep evaluating as you go and delegate where you can, it will all come together and will all be worth it in the end.

Tedski is just a stuffed bear 🐻. Do I detect a smidgen of excitement in you, in spite of the daunting tasks ahead? It will be so much easier to manage when you move. I can never move, I’ve got about 2000 books and everything my children left behind when they flew the nest. I also have a fully equipped playroom for when I had care of Theo. Not to mention wardrobes full of clothes for all the shapes I’ve been. You must garner every bit of help possible! A ruthless declutter, a yard sale etc. Poor you.

Well, on the plus side when we were planning the house addition which didn't happen I did a major declutter of my things and also divested myself of many of my books, so some of that has been done already. I remember I had the broken leg and was hopping around the bookcases making piles, this lot for the used bookseller, that lot for the library booksale....

Oh Heron! If you survived all that you can survive anything. How lovely that your son will have the family house - you can take more time over some things. The spot you’ve chosen for your condo sounds just perfect. And breathe.............

THANK YOU EVERYONE, YOU ARE ALL SO KIND. 😍

Hi Heron... my words to you... slow down.

Look at the first thing that needs done, then work on that one thing.....

Period,...!

Then move to #2 on the list...do that thing.

Period......

Big projects have the ability to immobilize us...particularly when we are in thie PMR cement- mixer.

I have purchased, then sold, and moved, while living with PMR. It was not good to try to eat that elephant in one big bite...however, in numerous small bites...it was doable.

We have your back, Friend. You can do this...just reframe the way you think about what you are doing.

Keep us posted.

Sending 💜💜, kind regards, Jerri

You have inspired me to see the elephant and get my house ready to sell! I am with my mom (95) training a new caretaker. She saves everything which has forced me to look at my own habits.

I have a house and studio apartment in NY. I dislike driving, like the city but hate it when the congestion overwhelms me. The burbs are a bit too quiet for a single person. Recently retired, a year with PMR and it’s challenges, I’m not ready to decide where I want to live permanently. Guess I’ll just hang for a while!

Taking care of my mom has halted tapering from 6 to 5. I got purple spots on my arm and am at my 2nd day of 7 mg Pred. Go to 6 tomorrow. Feel better.

Thanks for good advice.

Let rip with the expensive tastes, Heron - if your offer is accepted you've got the place with 'major pluses' of convenience, sociability, great views and the thought you won't be moving again, and all at probably less than you were budgeting for. Also, the work you've had done on your present house to make it how you like it for both 'accounts man OH' and 'creative genius you' means you have done a lot of decision-making about floors, layouts, decoration that take away at least some of the unknowns. Then you can play around with nice things such as colours, tiles etc.. The physical stuff like packing etc. is so much less stressful when your present house is still part of the family and you can spread it out a bit, with a son to do some of the lumping around - I also did this with my son and his family, I've still got stuff to sort after 3 years but he's happy to keep shared family papers/old books/memorabilia/pictures on behalf of the rest of the family who will eventually receive it (but not for a long time, I hope!) My very small annex which used to be a stable (I chose to live here, I love it, who wants loads of housework?) is next door to his much larger house which has been in the family since 1954 so you can imagine the amount of accumulated history!

Delegate, delegate, delegate: you probably have reliable contractors to do everything you require, and you can take pleasure in watching from a distance the transformation into a wonderfully welcoming home. The very best of luck and fortitude, it doesn't all have to be done in one fell swoop, make lists, tick off, move onto the next priority. Hope your offer is accepted. Step One!!

Don't you wish sometimes that we could switch our brains off if only to get a good night's sleep? Then next day at least you would be rested and up to facing the situation. In your present state you're over thinking and things seldom turn out as bad as we Imagine .

We can't be of much practical help but remember there is usually one of Us Lot here whenever you need us.

As for mutant russian teddies, I don't think they travel well over water! One of the things we do well here, silliness. It's a great stress killer.

It's all going to pass... Take it from me... I lived in 4 countries spanned over 3 continents and bought and sold 7 houses... Twice during that time I started from scratch ; 2 large languages is all I brought with me to the "next" place. What I have learned is that we can live without most of the possessions, and they are more bother then necessity. Take your time and don't' rush with the move. That should remove some of the pressure. Always keep in mind that the stress is what we put on our self ( our reaction to outside condition) and therefore we have some control over it.

How exciting Heron! I love a good project! Daunting but exciting! Since your son is buying your present home is it possible for you to cohabit whilst the core work is done to your new home or am I living in ga ga land?

HeronNS
HeronNS
in reply to Marilyn1959

No need. He'll stay in his apartment until we move out, then some work, principally wiring upgrade, will happen, and I suppose he'll paint and stuff. But he'll be moving into a house with a good kitchen and, if I do say so myself, the nicest small bathroom ever!

Marilyn1959
Marilyn1959
in reply to HeronNS

It wasn't your son I was thinking about it was you. Could you stay in your current house with your son once sale has gone through, whilst your new place has the disruptive works done?

HeronNS
HeronNS
in reply to Marilyn1959

Not really. We'd have all his furniture here then, and until we've moved out there wouldn't be space. We can't possibly move into the condo until it's ready to be lived in. I have no intention of trying to survive in a construction zone, especially as there's no need, And there is the issue of the rewiring. We were told by an electrician not to bother for ourselves, but he did say when we were ready to sell the wiring should be upgraded at that time.

Hidden
Hidden

Ohhhhhhhh, I think I'm having a panic attack, just reading your post!!!!!

I envy you going to a smaller, more manageable space. Bite size pieces my friend otherwise it’s overwhelming. I think PMR suffers may be overachievers and want to complete too quickly. That’s how I am and may be projecting. Anyway, see the positive, ditch the fear and slow down. I may try my own advice. Last Saturday I was rushing to accomplish too many things and hit a parked truck! $450 later, I see the message to take my time in all things. Ouch!

HeronNS
HeronNS
in reply to Sandy1947

The actual living space is not much smaller than our house, actually. But there's no basement to clutter up! The smaller bedroom is a wonky shape because the unit is in the inside corner of an ell shaped building. Hard to describe, the building is basically a pyramid shape on the side where we'll be (if our offer is accepted) so it's not as ominous as it sounds. We overlook a garden, and beyond that, across a street which is blocked from sight, is a strip of green space, then Halifax Harbour. It really is ideal, I just feel overwhelmed because of all the decisions that will have to be made. But as you and others have said, baby steps. And we don't even know if our offer will be accepted. I will be a) disappointed if it isn't and b) relieved because then I can relax! If the offer is accepted I'll be a) elated and b) terrified. Talk about mixed feelings.

alumitech.ca/distribution/i...

bunnymom
bunnymom
in reply to HeronNS

What a cool looking place!

Sandy1947
Sandy1947
in reply to HeronNS

So glad you sent the picture! It is beautiful! Will they accept my offer? Tomorrow I will go back to NJ. Spent a week with my mom. Adjusting to a new caretaker is challenging! They will do better when I’m gone and the woman can be the alpha dog!

I will begin tapering to 5 tomorrow. First attempt for 3 weeks failed...up to 7 for 2 days and 6 today.

Looks delightful HeronNS, sincerely hope your offer will be accepted. So many helpful tips and ideas from everyone here: one step at a time; lists; delegate; take plenty of breaks and put aside time to enjoy fab waterfront. We'll all be itching to read your up-dates and, knowing your positive attitude, you'll quickly discover the 'best' way for you to take control of the situation. How lovely that your son would be only 15 mins away plus the added bonus of being able to visit your longtime family home from time to time. Best wishes .... on all fronts!

HeronNS
HeronNS
in reply to Sandy1947

Oh my gosh, I hope you weren't hurt.

PMRpro
PMRproAmbassador

Bet Teski knows a man who can...

It’s all sounding a bit scary for you Heron. We recently sold our home and only had a matter of weeks before closing. The mucking out and packing was a monstrously stressful time. I did all of the packing, while my husband dealt with the mucking out, since it was mostly years of hording on his part.

We had to choose what we wanted to keep as we will be moving from a three bedroom family home in the Northwest Territories to a small basement apartment in our son’s home in Calgary, which has yet to be constructed. Due to a short term contract employment period we can’t make the actual move until the fall. We trucked our selected furniture and boxes of goods and artwork to a locker in Calgary and moved into a furnished apartment until the fall.

Getting rid of all the furniture and ‘stuff’ we no longer needed/wanted was a particular challenge and sadly much of it ended up in the local dump. Fortunately, over the last few years, I’ve come to accept how unimportant material things really are and was able to let the ‘stuff’ go very easily.

Anyway, I was incredibly stressed for about four weeks! I spent a lot of wakeful nights worrying about how we were going to get it all done. Of course, there was the physical stress of cleaning out cupboards and drawers and packing numerous boxes each day. Amazingly, my PMR stayed away. I was totally expecting a flare and it didn’t happen. I had a strong feeling the PMR was in remission and this confirmed it for me. So, the crappy, extremely stressful move revealed some good news. Mind you, I’m still at 9.5 mg and struggling to reduce, but ‘only’ fighting adrenal fatigue with each drop. I sure hope it stays that way.

Regarding your upcoming move, I can’t imagine doing the move from your family home, even though you will not have to rush, and then taking on the challenges of the renovations you described. I’d be looking for move in ready!! 😊

Best of luck to you!!!

HeronNS
HeronNS
in reply to nuigini

I know, turnkey would have been great. There was a condo absolutely lovely, so nicely done up. But it was dark. We were there mid afternoon near the summer solstice and they'd turned on all the lights before vacating for the viewing, and my first thought was, clever, clever, but not clever enough! We turned all the lights off. I stood at what would be the kitchen sink I guess, or some such spot where I would spend time, and the only view was the blank wall of a building opposite. While my husband and realtor made themselves at home on the comfy furniture I kept looking around and determined it would be too small. In fact, although also a two-bedroom, it is several hundred square feet smaller than the one we hope to buy so I wasn't imagining it But I couldn't have lived there. We bought the house we've lived in all these years because I fell in love with the little wooded area at the back of the lot, with birch trees. Could not trade that for a blank wall! But I think hubby would have bought in on the spot. Based on someone else's comfortable sofa! 😆

I couldn't face this if there was pressure to move in a month or two. We'll set ourselves a reasonable deadline after all the estimates are in for the work that needs doing, and depending how much the kids will help with to save money (but probably not time).

And breathe......... you can do this. The idea of it can be worse than doing. The catchphrase here is delegate. Plan carefully and don’t take too much on at once. Bits sized portions. Take up all offers of health. Don’t think of saying ‘thank you but I will be fine’. Schedule in all offered help. You can do this

You are moving to a very nice location! When my OH and I visited the Maritimes for the first time a couple years ago we had places we wanted to see on our Halifax list. One was your beautiful library building and another was the great public market.....and you will be living near both of them 😁

I also enjoyed eating at your local restaurant with the name “monkey” in it....maybe Green Monkey 🐒 . I have a strong sensitivity to dairy and they had lots of dairy-free options. It was the first place I had whipped cream made from coconut milk....yum!

HeronNS
HeronNS
in reply to Mrs-CJ

Actually I'll be living across the harbour, on the "dark side" or, more cheerfully, in "Dartopia". But, yes, thanks to the ferry, near both the things you mention, although we are content with our own more humble versions. Wooden Monkey also has two locations, the original in Halifax, the other in the Dartmouth ferry terminal building, and that is where we often go! You can understand why we want to remain in this area - we've got a lot of amenities for a small place.

Oh HeronNS I wish you the serenity to make a choice you feel good with. It is so so hard to be positive in the face of fear. Almost impossible in fact. This is an enormous transition, why wouldn't it be hard, particularly when feeling so vulnerable. Two months ago I got hung up on a new car, and it was /is just a car. I'm a bit risk averse, but this was crazy. I think I posted that I felt alien to myself. No stress tolerance. In the end I realized I had no good reasons to back out except for my state of mind. But it took a lot to get out of my state of mind. ;). I like to think it was exacerbated by the transition from 6mg to 5mg and the whole adrenal thing.

I usually find that what helps me is to realize that in a choice between anxiety and depression, I do better to choose anxiety 95% of the time. Anxiety dissolves much faster than depression/regret. This is an enormous transition, why wouldn't it be hard, particularly when feeling so vulnerable.

I see your choice as two fears: fear of moving forward and regretting the physical/medical consequences vs. not moving forward and fearing living with regret.

i suspect your family is trying to help you feel good about moving forward. I hope they are ready to supply the extra spoons you'll need to make this transition in the healthiest way possible. I hope you can let them help or that you can hire the help you need.

I sense that if you move forward you'll get involved in the processes involved in the transition and will settle into a sustainable approach, with help, to making the move work.

Follow up to this. Yes, having a definite flare. Waking up in the wee small hours and my head is like a squirrel cage with thoughts and ideas and worries chasing themselves around and around, getting nowhere.

The first discovery when renovations started (only a week ago!) was that one of the walls we were told could come down is in fact a loadbearing wall. As that wall removal was one of our "must-haves" not a good start, But, hey, not the end of the world. Still, feeling very overwhelmed and exhausted from all the choices and decisions we have to make. So much easier when you live in the place which needs to be renovated. At least you know what happens to the light over the course of a day, you know what it's like to live in a certain space and how the furniture will function best. All these things, plus the usual unexpected expenses, like the hideous ceiling fanlight which will need to be repaired or replaced. I think paying good money for something so ugly is not a good idea, so a new one it is. Only I definitely have champagne tastes and a beer budget....

PMRpro
PMRproAmbassador
in reply to HeronNS

Is installing a RSJ an option? Or too expensive? Know what you mean about champagne tastes - my problem too!

HeronNS
HeronNS
in reply to PMRpro

What is RSJ? We aren't touching the wall. It's very thick concrete! I've made lemonade out of that particular lemon - it will be a perfect wall on which to display a large and lovely Chinese embroidery given to my father many years ago (and which the framer who saw it yesterday admired greatly).

Thanks to Daisychain12, who found an old reply of mine dating from about this time, I was led to this old post of mine. Yes, everything I feared has happened, and worse than expected. I'm still not in my new home.

The contractor doing our renovations had the nerve (although I think he thought he was being helpful) to suggest a couple of days ago they could semi-finish a bathroom and give us a plywood kitchen counter so we could move in for Christmas. My son, who is truly being an angel, actually emailed him back and said we could stay here (our old house the son now owns) until the place was suitable for us to move in. He also suggested perhaps everything could be completed by the first week of January (we none of us want this nightmare to carry on indefinitely).

If the contractor really wanted to be helpful he could clear construction stuff away so we could start to arrange our furniture which is still piled up in the middle of rooms getting dusty. Maybe then when I finally have my bathroom and kitchen there will at least be a place where we can sit down, or space to sleep. Honestly. This is never going to end. The other day I even thought I might have had an episode of those subtle symptoms of heart attack, stress induced. And I can't sleep. Which is why I'm here at what is something like 6:45 a.m. my time, having already been awake for a couple of hours. And every day and night is like this now. It's horrible. Can't even enjoy my walks even when the weather allows as I'm still suffering quite severely from sciatica, especially when going up hills. I never noticed in younger days that certain streets weren't on the flat. Now it seems even a gentle gradient has become a hill which is painful to climb.

Sorry, just had to get this off my chest. I know these are first world problems but it's still hard. The worst of it is you can't trust the workers to do things right. What do we hire a contractor for? I never signed up to be a construction manager.

You poor darling. It’s damned unfair. I hate hearing all this upset. I wish I could help 😭😭😭

Thanks. I should just relax and not stress myself. It is what it is. And it really is a first world problem - I have a roof over my head, I have a family who cares, we don't want for anything. But I was horrified when I saw how old this post is. Five months since we made the decision to move. Three months since renovations started. A month since my son moved into what is now his place and we are still not out from under his feet. I feel guilty about that although there's nothing I can do about it and it isn't my fault.

How are you feeling today?

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