My temper can be pretty short. I got angry yesterday, my husband, who won't take instructions and won't educate himself about gardening was hacking away "helping" on the allotment. Obviously at the moment I don't have much energy for it, but I don't want it done wrong, because that creates more work! Today I still feel sick and 'hungover' with stress hormones. I took a shot of B12 last night. What might be going on which means hormones stay in the system? What am I lacking? Today I just want to sleep and he's cross about that. He sees it as me being childish, when I'm actually wrecked.
So fed up.
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Oneash
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I don't have any answers, but just to say I sympathise with you. If I'm too tired to do something and my partner does it, I get frustrated because he's not doing it to my standards and I can't do anything to put that right, so I get snappy.
And if I get a bad day and I'm tired, the 'Come on, if you get out in the fresh air for a walk, you'll feel better' comment really grates. Unless you have experienced the overwhelming, all consuming fatigue, you just don't get it, you can't get it! Well, I get tired too, he says. Yep, but it isn't the same sort of tired at all!
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could have a body swap with Docs and our loved ones for a while, so they could see that we aren't actually making it all up.
I am dreadfully sorry to learn you feel that awful ‘hangover/jet-leg/virus’ feeling which is colloquially as a crash. There is literature trying to explain to healthy people that the above combination is how we feel when we have a blip (those with chronic conditions physically feel).
Unfortunately, part of living with PA/B12D is acceptance and prioritising our energy. Learning to let go of things that are really not that important. Now, you would much prefer the allotment to be done in a particular way. Your husband’s approach is very different. So, how do you meet in the middle respectfully ? It is both your relationship. Some people shut down when being shouted at. Others shout back. 🤷♀️
Who suffers most ? Both of you. You feel physically worse when living with this disease and by what I understand there is tension between you. Stress and anger depletes our bodies, we produce more adrenaline type chemicals. For us, it can cause relapses.
So, today, do snuggle up, ignore the whole world and concentrate on you. Then tomorrow, maybe consider an apology. Just to clear the air. He might feel at a loss because he has seen you first with COVID and now this.
Then think of an approach to discuss the allotment. Lots of people will do things ‘your way’, if they believe that THEY actually thought of it. So, saying things like, Do you think it would be a good idea that we plant potatoes there ? The reply can be, Maybe or I don’t know. Then you follow up with, I am so glad you thought of that. That is a great idea. However, if they say No, then make another suggestion or change the topic.
I have used key words to plant ideas and concepts into someone’s mind. Hope you feel better soon and you are able to get the allotment in a particular way.
Dear Narwhal 10I don't want to have to think about flattering egos to get what I need. I haven't got the bandwidth.
I let him shape and cook his own pizza for dinner that night. So he used double the dough and couldn't flatten it. He manfully munched his way through half raw bread. That's my husband, he'll never admit he doesn't know what he's doing, or ask for help. I've cooked pizza for years and he's never observed what I do.
We've nicknamed him the Destructocon on the allotment, for his ability to start pulling out healthy plants. He likes scorched bare earth. I'm trying to mostly do 'no dig'. I've been talking about soil food web and all my principles for years, obviously to deaf ears.
My Covid bout wasn't dramatic, just a 2 week cough, like a bad cold. Which is possibly why he doesn't see the consequences as serious.
He's always pushing me to do more.
Yesterday I slept, but not before I'd shouted at a delivery driver!
As others have said. Your rise in Adrenalin / stress hormones is a trigger for more fatigue and crash symptoms. I learnt the hard way . It’s a vicious circle. I’ve had to learn what really matters in life and how to handle my own anger about my situation. Yes it does help if your life partner understands. What we can do is slowly educate people around us. I did do the “ glad game “ or gratitude or count your blessings . It isn’t a new concept as alot of CBT therapists are just helping us to do what granny taught me about life a long time ago when she was stuck in a wheelchair having been an enthusiastic gardener all her life. Life sucks sometimes but you’ve got to wake up every morning and find something to be glad about. What does you husband do right and what’s he good at?
Good that you slept. So what you shouted at a delivery driver ? Many people have, you won’t be the first or the last. If Destructocon eats a whole raw pizza then just let him carry right on.
DiSews vocalises perfectly about the emotional aspect of illnesses.
Now, you could be more short tempered because of increased fatigue and also where you received your brain injury. Some parts of the brain are linked to emotions. With regards to him pushing you to do more. I am resting NOW. Said 3 times.
A third person, if your physiotherapist visits your home, ask them to explain to him about decreased energy. Or a family friend, to remind him weekly, Your wife has a brain injury, she has not got much stamina.
On a personal note, quite recently, at a meeting, someone gave their opinion. Oneash, my sharp tongue did not quite cause them whiplash. I was never going to apologise because of the stupid utterance that came out of their mouth. 😘
Introverts are very quiet people. We are often very misunderstood but we choose which words we want to precisely use. However, people are often shocked because we can talk at length on breadth on many subjects. It is because we choose to at a given time. Recently, talking to someone about socialising. I informed them about being socially selective. They liked the concept.
Poor Oneash, is suffering and people may not be aware that the stimulation of noise, lighting, smells, interactions with nearest and dearest can be far too much for a person with P.A./B12D plus other conditions. The brain gets overwhelmed and goes, No,I do not like this. In fact, it is completely rubbish. Everyone just leave me alone.
Nobody asks to have a disease or illness but understanding it does help. Kindness costs nothing.
One of the most important lessons I've had to learn ( and it's been very hard) is to let go. A few months ago I was at the "pick your battles" stage . Now I'm past even that. I'm at the "it's not worth the candle" stage. Getting past my old habits has been a huge test of character. And I've learnt that it's great letting go. Life is much easier and less stressful. It is empowering. I then have enough energy to do what I really want to do.
Oh! It's so hard sometimes, isn't it? I do sympathise with you. We are all working through grief over lost hopes and dreams, large and small and anger is part of that process! My kitchen and garden are no longer my own, either, and sometimes it hurts, but I try to be thankful that my beloved is willing to help, and remember that he is as confused, frustrated and upset about my illness as I am, and sometimes angry, too.
I hope you can find a way through this season of adjustment, and be able to work the allotment in a satisfying way as a team.
Hi. I don't know your age & circumstance, but it also sounds very typical of a perimenopause/menopause kind of symptom.I have learnt that that not everything going on was down to my B12D, I was probably in perimenopause for about 4 years before I recognised that as well. I am sure that the 2 things combined exacerbated the other. It is hard to work out which symptoms are from which cause, some are clear, many overlap enormously, many are very muddy and could be either or a combination of the effects of both things together.
I still don't feel wonderful, but ongoing treatment for B12D combined with HRT has helped a lot. I just turned 48, I think peri started at around 42/43.
Definitely post menopause! The thing I changed recently was to take a much stronger vitamin D with vitamin K supplement, as I read that might help with psoriasis. Also I had a relatively busy week before, finally felt I'd got some progress. So I think I was just tired and some healing was happening. I almost think the fact that I was angry , rather than just switched off shows something!
Sounds like your health issues could be contributing to your emotions towards your husband, I've had " issues " with work colleagues who would make the job even harder, I'm a deep thinker and try not to let my emotions get the better of me, but getting wound up affected my health conditions, I'm a easy type of person too get along with and would rather problem solve than getting frustrated with the job, obviously you knew the " faults " with your husband as time went along, and with invisible health conditions partners can't understand your difficulties, my neuropathy flares up when getting stressed, and I also have B12 deficiency problems, I receive 3 monthly injections but both symptoms have morphed into the same condition, sometimes you require folic acid tablets if your struggling with PA,I'm not here too criticise you, as nobody can tell each other person how to live, it's about supporting each other,advice can be trying to cherry pick the best information that can help everyone concerned , oh how I wish life was perfect, remember non of us are that, even computer systems fail to work properly, after all we're just humans who make mistakes, I appreciate how your husband is doing things the wrong way around, just keep on giving your "orders "and let him double the work🤣and next time get a pizza delivered 🤣 this is just to try and let you know I have a sense of humour, and of course I hope things get better soon, for both of you 😊
Motheroflittle and Oneash have to put up with oafs. Coming on here to share can be beneficial to share their frustrations and utter annoyance of other halves.
Many a time, people have asked Why are you single ? I play the Oh I cannot find anyone card. Truth, I drop kick ‘eminto next week. 🤪
He really isn't an oaf! We do have a joke in our house that involves hugging someone from behind when they are in the middle of doing something, usually washing up, and saying, "I'm helping! I'm helping! ".He just doesn't understand plants.
But I am genuinely keen to know how the B12 and emotional regulation, or not, go together. As I said elsewhere, maybe it's a positive, things are reconnecting! Grrr!
I used the word oaf because the sound of the 3 letter word makes me chuckle. No offence to hubbie. Great you can laugh.
Of course PA/B12D and emotional regulation go together - it is just a bit of understanding of anatomy and physiology of the brain. That however, is another lesson.
Plus, being frazzled (so exhausted that everything is a massive effort and you feel like a child who doesn’t know what to do with themselves. You wish you had the energy to throw yourself on the floor, have a tantrum but even that is way too much effort).
Dough making is good therapy. I was chortling silently about the thick pizza! I do love him dearly. I'm actually more bothered about how 0-60 in 3 seconds my anger is at the moment.
I think our husbands are related! My husband just wacked my hydrangea bushes in half, removing any chance of bloom this year. I have babied them for 3 years and repeatedly told him NOT to touch them, that I would do their pruning. He does this with all plants and doesn't know when to stop cutting and does it at the wrong time of the season. Most times I can ignore it but NOT MY HYDRANGEAS. SIGH Why don't they listen???
Yes ,I am too tired and stressed to deal with this foolishness BUT I am still furious inside. I have tried to let it go. My stomach hurts, it looks like I swallowed a basketball. So, I am right there with you.
I sympathise about the hydrangeas. He's great at the lifting and shifting stuff. I just need the gardening to be happy space. I need to know when to just stop and say we've done everything needed today.
Oneash, I hope you're feeling better today. I completely sympathize about your garden. Its our happy place so we tend to be very protective of that space. I also garden inside year round. I have a hydroponic setup for lettuces,herbs and tiny tomatoes. Its all mine to tend but I get to share the harvest with the family.
My tummy bloating is a reaction to holding stress in. I have had diagnosed IBS for years and stored up stress is my trigger. My father(91) died 5 weeks ago. I am dealing with a lot of stress! Grief, siblings, insurance, selling his estate items. etc... The bad pruning incident just knocked me over the edge. I am not sure any of this is related to my P.A. Its just life is extra hard sometimes. Talking about these matters seems to help more than anything else I have found.
We talked the pruning issue over. He apologized. He admitted he did it wrong and should have known better.
I really do appreciate him but sometime he puts himself in the proverbial doghouse! 💮
So sorry about your Dad. Huge hugs. Major life hurdles to deal with on top of PA. Yes sometimes the simple things are the straw on the proverbial donkey's back. Our very nearest bare the brunt of our grief. You need them to have your back, not cause more hurdles infront! I was enjoying Michael Mosley's 'Just one thing' on Radio 4 catch up today. Small changes to make good improvements.
Hello Oneash. Whilst I appreciate your illness causes you to feel irritated and impatient. Also the fact that your husband finds it difficult to comprehend how you are feeling. When you say you he won’t take instructions, if your positions were reversed would you take instructions from him . I somehow doubt you would. He’s probably walking on eggshells hoping not to trigger your aggression. Also he’s your partner and an adult. In any relationship, why should he have to obey everything you say or do.
Most partnerships survive on a give and take relationship. I realise that my comments may not be what you were looking for . However they are only my response to your post.
Hi Varna1968,I usually take instruction well if it's a practical matter and I know it's not my field of expertise. Partly masking, because years of B12 deficiency, pre PA, can make me loose my train of thought, I often over check that I'm doing the right thing.
My anger and subsequent 'hangover' are symptomatic. Emotions are out of wack. I'm short circuiting. Lizard & Monkey brain are dominant Hormones aren't being flushed through. Cerebral control isn't connecting in time. Since getting PA I've had a lot of anxiety, over fretting about the worst possible scenario happening with what should be straightforward stuff. e.g The Post Office scandal and AI not helping with paranoia about doing any online payments.
Along with SI B12 EOD, I'm taking folic acid supplements, magnesium ( changed from pills to lotion), occasional doses of Floradix with iron, random selenium vitamin C & E, and now more vitamin D which comes with vitamin K.
Thankfully my husband doesn't bare grudges and can just let things go. I just want to know if I'm missing something that could help soothe psoriasis, my brain and life in general.
If I were you it would soothe my brain to have my allotment to myself and not share it with someone who doesn’t understand horticulture. If you are aiming for the no dig approach then you are already reducing the hard physical work , so maybe you could manage it alone? Grow less for a while as you concentrate on generally managing the plot? Or do you know someone else wanting an allotment who would share it with you and reduce the work that way?
Everyone needs their space and separate interests. In your case perhaps you’d feel better acknowledging that your anger although a bit over the top was justified and not necessarily all due to b12 deficiency. I have had gardeners in the past to cut grass etc but I wouldn’t let them prune anything unless I knew they understood what they’re doing. Your previous response ‘I usually take instruction well …. and I know it’s not my field of expertise’ indicates to me that you feel the same.
Just saying this as I fully understand your reaction. Not implied as criticism in any way!
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Keep going, there is hope!
