2011 Where it all started......

[BillK52]

Well, for me 2011 was a year that no matter what, I will never forget. It started out really bad with the diagnoses of pancreatic cancer but in the wake of this I have not only learned a lot but have come a long way. I have heard so many times in my life that “people take so much for granted” but I never really thought of myself as a person who does this, I now know that this is not the case. It seems that during the last six months I have begun to see things in many different ways, much different than I did before. I am sure that it is the lurking thoughts of death in my subconscious that has brought this on but no matter, it has and is taking place every day of my life. I realize that I have been guilty of simply going through every day as if nothing really mattered and that hell, I can’t do anything to change things around me so I should not even bother with it. I have even gone as far as to believe that if I did indeed try to make a difference nobody would even notice or care so I do nothing. That thought, the thought of doing “nothing” is what began to bother me in the first place and everything else has spun out of this thought. I began to see myself as a person who has done nothing and I became worried about the thoughts that people would have of me after I am gone. What will my daughter really remember about me, what will Suzanne remember, my grandson, my friends, even my ex-wife, what would they think, what would they say if they were to say anything at all? Probably, nothing… Yea, that’s a hard one to swallow.

So, now what was I to do about this sad situation, these sad pitiful thoughts I was having of myself? Well I of course fell back on my basic theological teaching and took a hard look at myself using the Jesuit model of “self-examine” as taught by the Church. It calls for a rigorous examination with a basis that “Every Human has a Christian Heart” and in this thinking comes the simplicity of “what good have I done, what kind of person am I?” Now I realize that this opens a really huge Pandora’s Box here but I feel that I have no choice if I indeed wish to make my mark upon the lives of others in a positive way. I found that I was pretty much self-centered and selfish when it came to dealing with the lives of others and I was ashamed of myself so I made the decision to make myself into the best man I could possibly be. I realize that I will never have the chance to right all the wrongs of my past but I can make sure that when I am spoken of in this time frame I will be spoken of well by most (you can’t please everyone).

Another big change for 2012 will be my going back to work. Suzanne is not overly pleased with this plan but I have several reasons for doing this. 1. We need the money (which is normal considering the state of the economy). 2. I really do miss this part of my life, and 3. I really want to make a contribution to society and to assist others in the areas of their lives where my job applies. I have been thinking of this last year and my work with the non-profit ministry I worked for and I miss this. It was something that I had wanted to do for quite some time and I had it basically jerked out from under me with the diagnoses of cancer. I fully understand the state of my health and I admit there are indeed limitations as to what I can do but I believe that if I go about this endeavor as a “part-time” thing I will be able to function responsibly at the job of my choice. I have said many times of people who are physically impaired that they should not take on too much as they cannot fulfill their obligations as set for by their employment and that they can create hardships for those that they work with. I accept this and I will act accordingly by being honest with those that are dependent upon me for my role in the work place. This is not too much to ask and I honestly believe it will be beneficial to both my physical and psychological health in the long run.

So, 2011 was a year of major change for me and it will go on through 2012 and I pray beyond. I must also say that not all of 2011 was a wash as I met Suzanne this past year and was blessed with a feeling of love that I have never felt for anyone before in my life. I have had my share of “girlfriends” in the past and I have to admit that there were ones that I have loved but not in the same total way that I love Suzanne. Experiencing an over-fifty, mature love is a wonderful thing and I have developed a strong respectful way of interacting with her life. I have a new sense of love for family, a new sense of responsibility and a new way of seeing the people I interact with. This to me is a really big thing and this too I pray lasts for many years. So all in all 2011 was a very “different” kind of year for me and one that will stand alone in my memory for the rest of my life. God has shown me that without a doubt even the worst of things can become a dream come true if you are honest with yourself and approach things in a responsible manner. For me, change has become a good thing and I am now embracing it as never before so I encourage all of you, embrace change and make the best of it, it can indeed become your best friend!

May God Bless you all in 2012 and may all of your dreams come true!