Mother Affair

[17Aug1991]

Hello all,

When I was 12, there was a family dinner. We were all seat at the table. For some reason, perhaps I dropped my napkin, I looked under the table and saw the male guest (not a relation) stroking my mum’s thigh. His wife and my dad and others were happily eating. And my mum was responding to the man. I was in shock.

This “under the table” occurrence happened at his place too and i tried to stop it and then they realised I knew. The male and his wife drifted away from my parents as well so the incidents only lasted a year.

This was 30 years ago, but the pain still comes back every so often. I never spoke about it to my mum, never told my dad or my sister. I carried this pain alone. The male guest and his wife are now dead, that helps me with knowing this secret will never be released.

But the pain comes every so often. Living with this for 30 years.

[Montie]

Good morning, you are very brave to talk about this after all these years, remember that & don’t be hard on yourself. I am no expert but I really feel some kind of therapy would help you such as counselling. You have trauma from childhood & it is still sitting there & causing you pain & anguish. A professional can help you deal with the trauma & finally put it to rest. I wish you all the luck x 🦋

[Emma2017]

That’s a terrible secret to carry with you for so long. I feel like Montie that talking to someone like a psychologist might help you come to terms with this. Also there might be a better group on here for this I feel. This particular group is more for physical pain and all that comes with it. Although obviously it doesn’t matter but you might get more responses there.

[Hellytheelephant]

Hello- that is a heavy burden to carry for so long and very painful. I agree with the other answers- counselling can help so much and the process of talking to a person you trust will really lighten the load.

I know from personal experience that you can heal from childhood pain, and life will open up for you when you do.

Good luck- you can do this.

[Heloise]

I can understand your pain, or maybe I don't. Your disappointment in your mother would be understandable. And it seems she never apologized or tried to help you cope and that probably added to the disappointment. The position you are in is really untenable since this is a person you love and respect and yet recognize she is damaging both. Perhaps a counselor can help you focus on the incident with more perspective and more distance. Many of us have lived with a secret and come to the realization that parents are human and all humans have flaws. I do sympathize and feel you are a much better person than your mother and sparing your father and sister from the same pain. It could be that your father knew what was going on and also carried the secret. Be happy with your integrity and love yourself for it.

[Bevvy]

There is much to this that you don’t know. You don’t know how far this “affair” went. You don’t know if your father knew about it or even agreed with it! You don’t know if what you saw went any further or indeed if your father was having relationships that you know nothing about. As a child it wouldn’t have been appropriate for you to know about these things.You are now an adult and as such know that adults have complicated lives that can’t be necessarily understood by children.

I think it is really sad that you have carried this with you for 30yrs. To be blunt this is your parents business and whilst it is sad you became aware of the situation, ultimately it is down to your parents not you.

You may well benefit from counselling to come to terms with your feelings and really to let the past go.