Surprising Realization

[FlowerRose]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to share a little mental journey I went on recently and a little surprising conclusion.

I've been feeling very out of sorts recently, in quite the funk, and dragging around what felt like a dumbbell on my ankle. Not a surprise, it happens to all of us, cancer or not. But I was upset at how long these feelings were lasting, so I decided to do something that always makes me feel happy: make a list 😁

I made a list of all the things that just haven't been going right recently, then I sat back and felt like it still somehow wasn't complete. Then it came to me - "Oh yeah, I'm also sick of constantly worrying and fretting and battling this cancer for who knows how long! Probably as long as I live, however long THAT is!!!"

I've been on maintenance for two and a half years and started to feel like I was just coasting, no biggie, i got this. But you know what? I'm still not totally okay, even when I thought I was. Just realizing this surprised me and honestly, caught me off guard.



I'm sharing this because even when you feel you've got things back in order and kind of under control, you have to be kind to yourself and realize that deep down, that may not be the case. If it is, that's okay. Understand that, and own it.

Off to make more lists!

[Lyndy2]

Thanks FlowerRose, this rang so many bells with me. It’s constant work to accept the cancer and to live life anyway.

I love a list so I am right there with you xx

[delia2]

Thanks Flower Rose. I’ve also been on a PARP for 2.5 years and feel exactly as you described. I know I am really lucky it’s still working but I’m tired of being tired and having the little beast peeking over my shoulder all the time! Xx

[Rankij11 in reply to delia2]

me too

In solidarity

X

[Mariej2021]

i like a good list myself Very satisfying to tick items off and there lies my problem with oc ! I can't tick it off as definitely finished/over/blasted away Though as I type this I am thinking why could I not write it down tick it and then burn the paper Between me and myself after all and might be very unburdening lol

[FlowerRose in reply to Mariej2021]

love that plan!

[Mysticmeg123]

Hi. Thanks for sharing your feelings. I felt so despondent when I was diagnosed in February 21. I went from being a really positive person to being surly and resentful which took me by surprise. When I spoke to my oncologist she put it into perspective. Yes you’ve got cancer but it is treatable. You don’t know the outcome because no one knows. Many people live with chronic illnesses ( heart failure, strokes, paralysis) and their journey is the same full of fear and anxiety. Even seemingly healthy people can succumb to sudden heart attacks with no warning. People with mental health for whom every single day is torture and they see no glimmer of hope on the horizon. She told me of an 82 year old lady who was referred to her for OC. The woman declined treatment saying she was too old to go through it. She died at 87 of natural causes and nothing to do with her cancer! So I took away the feeling of immense gratitude that I know what I have and I cannot keep fearing what lies ahead. So I wake up every morning being thankful that I am still here, able to walk, talk, breathe, function mentally and still live my life albeit it’s a little different to the carefree one I lived before my diagnosis. The fear still sits on my shoulder but I have made friends with it. I hope this helps anyone who is struggling to find their mojo 🙏🏽

[FlowerRose in reply to Mysticmeg123]

thanks so much for writing that!

[Sashay2020]

I have been in quite the funk of late. Feeling so nervous about traveling to Houston for appointment at MDAnderson next week. What if they don’t have anything for me?!? So I decided to peruse this site to find anything that might help me carry on, and I read your post. And I knew that I was not the only one who ever feels this way. Your post made me feel better, FlowerRose. At least enough to pull out my suitcase and start packing! 💪🏽 Thanks for sharing your feelings and thoughts.

Best wishes from New Orleans, Louisiana

Sashay