Reasons to have to be cheerful

Does anyone else feel bullied into being upbeat and cheerful because other people want soap opera level drama from your situation?

[Saintgermain]

Hi Epponee,Love a nice cup of tea I’m in the States and recently have fallen in love with tea should of tried it much sooner. What I’ve come to discover during this journey is that unless a person is going thru OC or has gone down this road they may never get it I’ve adopted compassionate distance with some people try to keep it to safe subjects caller ID is a wonderful thing when I need some space I’ve found that Friendships change some have evolved some have drifted you are the priority!

[Hidden in reply to Saintgermain]

THANK YOU. I have been "ghosted" in a very hurtful way by friends who feel that as I am sometimes housebound that they can text or phone at very inappropriate times and they have been competitive in their suffering. The exhaustion from this illness is beyond description. I wish you well.

[Saintgermain in reply to Hidden]

You are very welcome I have a close Friend of 40 years a good person but very needy I was always there to lend an ear I would let her go on an on until this journey and I began treatments throw in the steroids and my endless patience wasn’t so endless anymore. It’s hard but I set boundaries wouldn’t answer the phone when it was not a good time she wasn’t really happy a little angry at fIrst I was very hurt like you it ended up that we’re doing good she doesn’t call everyday but that’s a breath of fresh air I would feel drained one thing about needy people is they will always find a new source of supply and if they continually hurt you sometimes you have to cut and run. I’m 5 months since my last chemo I’ve gotten in touch with local Survivors and upcoming events I was scared at first to step out of my comfort zone these women are so positive and wonderful their motto is live life but lean on each other as Teal Sisters hoping I can replace a few Friends that drifted since my journey began with new Friends on the same page Blessings

[Tillymint61 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for sharing a cup of tea with those of us who understand😘 'The friends' situation you bring up is very interesting to look at. Over the two and a half years since diagnosis I have experienced exactly what yoy say. I have also had the friend who has wanted to know every little detail! In the end with her I lied and told her I had been advised it was not good for my mental well being to go over things in such detail in conversation. It put a stop to her wanting to know Everything!! (I've known her 40 years and was surprised at how she was)I suppose in a nut she'll we should just deal with it how we see fit. There isn't much we are in control off l, et's face it!

I don't doubt that true friends really care they just have some very different ways of responding!!

Sending support and lots of understanding to you. Xx

[Hidden in reply to Tillymint61]

Thank you so much for your insightful response. I used to wonder if I had set the bar on friendship, loyalty and discretion too high. Now I feel reassure that it is not me who is being narcissistic.

[TMiPP]

Hi EpponeeI so agree that people can be very dumb and insensitive. They expect you to be upbeat and talk about being positive- when you want to scream and cry. As you say soaps encourage this because the characters are dying one minute and winning the lottery or something the next..

That said I have been surprised by the support I have received from family and others and am very grateful to have them.

I hope you, as I do, take some comfort here where ladies understand - and have been or are going through it themselves.

Good luck and be kind to yourself. Terri x

[Hidden in reply to TMiPP]

Exactly right on the soaps (which I tend not to watch anymore)Also the Press and television peddle sensationalist and factually incorrect information. I used to be slim and beautiful but now my body is deformed by so much surgery. I have a huge, now inoperable incisional hernia which makes me look as though I am carrying twins. This puts severe strain on my scoliosis damaged spine. These videos of SURVIVORS or worse THRIVERS are distressing. Who in the real world can be stylish, fully made up and cheerful? I feel inadequate and angry that no one feels able to flag up the true horrors of such surgery and chemo.

I love drama and opera but don't want to live my life in the public eye when feeling weak and nauseous.

Our local newspaper did a feature on me and my fundraiser...an online photographic exhibition. At the time no one even replied in the comments section although subsequently my actual work was supported. I don't look ill.

I am not suggesting scaring people but ovarian cancer cannot be marketed .

Here we have websites where we can post appraisals anonymously of our medical and surgical teams to inform other ladies. I am mindful of just how much support our clinicians need having to deliver bad news and witness endless suffering that goes with their career choice. I am shocked by just how rude, needy and entitled some patients are. We do not need to lose our manners or dignity which again is a complaint culture fostered by sensationalist press. Thank you for your time and thoughtful response.

[TMiPP in reply to Hidden]

I only watch moving wallpaper nowadays - no politics, health or unrealistic hospital dramas..Sweet of you to worry about thse involved in our care and how it affects them. I agree I too have heard people be less than polite - I get it we are ill, but we can still try to be reasonable.

I think you are to be commended for trying to help others whilst you are suffering..xx

[Hidden in reply to TMiPP]

Thank you so much.

[Lyndy]

Interesting discussion! I find that the friends who were flaky, awkward and self absorbed before my diagnosis have continued that way 🤣 whilst the ones who have always been generous and kind have tried their best to understand. I agree that there are those who want drama and despair, which I steadfastly refuse to give them!

Wrestling with the concept of a shortened life, a future that is uncertain at best seems to separate us from the majority who keep their blinkers on at all times….xx

[Hidden in reply to Lyndy]

Spot on! observation is one of the reasons I hate hospitals. On an open ward so many people are competitive and act out. Once I had an emergency admission immediately after a 9 hour chemo session so not fully prepared for a night away from home. I am divorced and live alone which counts against me amongst the smug well off marrieds with children and grand children. I had a very old fashioned mobile phone. There was a team of medics waiting on me. The woman in the next bed complained bitterly about the noise my texting under the bedsheets. Then she had a party of four really loud visitors [edited by moderator] generally being inconsiderate. Considering we were ALL desperately ill this is unacceptable but sadly typical.

[Itha]

Hi

I read the comments with interest. I made a conscious choice to be very private to avoid the drama.

People don't really know what to say and do and many say what you don't need and want to hear unintentionally.

I saw a trauma specialist for a few appointments to deal with my frustration, anger and anxiousness about everything, in particular the debulking operation. It helped a lot. She also gave me some practical tips on how to manage and deal with friends who want to be updated and informed but protect myself and my energy. E.g. I created a WhatsApp group and made my husband the administrator. It was an info sharing group only. I positioned the group, why I created it and what I needed and made it clear that I love and welcome the messages of support and I know people care but that I won't respond. My friends gracefully accepted this.

I am now in a position where I have been introduced a few times by a friend (cancer survivor) as a cancer survivor to complete strangers. And only after she did it, did she check if OK with me. I was not. Cancer is not part of my identity. I don't ignore it. I live with it and I take care of myself in many different ways. I search, I think about it and I plan for a good life but am realistic about my long term survival.

I have told her to please not do it again for the reason above - my identity and who I am is SO MUCH more. Cancer does not and never will define me. Being here and so far beating it, is very much because of the amazing science we have access to.

I don't need or want people feeling sorry for me. And I don't want to discuss it with strangers. I have so many other wonderful, interesting things to talk about...

My cancer journey and what I go through is reserved for special friends whom I am very close with and who gets me.

xx

[Hidden]

Hi Itha How wonderful that you have such a well balanced life and attitude. Due to circumstances beyond my control (mainly years of serious illness making me unfit for work I am registered severely disabled though I don't label myself. Thus I live in what is known as Sheltered Accommodation. Privacy is taken away from us. If an ambulance arrives the neighbours lean out of their windows etc. The so called Warden said TO MY FACE that I must not let anyone here know about my cancer nor the (at the time) terminal diagnosis as NO ONE IS INTERESTED. I was just flagging up the risks in communal areas as we have several anti vaxxers here. There is definitely an unconscious bias to single, childless women who are poor and appear to be alone in the world.

I totally agree about indiscretion though. It is not any one else's story to tell! All the best

🌷