Life after such surviving

[Cynthia18]

My whole life has changed after I was diagnosed/going through treatments. I'm not with the man I was with anymore. I live in apartment by myself. I'm happy I'm alive and have my own personal place to live.but I'm scared and lonely.my daughter who came to be with me...as everyone thought I was going to die.i love her but her whole life is full of stress and just upsets me all the time!she has always been very disrespectful even now! I know i shouldn't be around stress! I don't know how to start my life over?

[Birdsong222]

Hello Cynthia

Oh dear you are feeling down at the moment. Keep all these positive thoughts and deeds in mind. You survived the diagnosis, treatments and you are presently alive and living. You changed your life around in more ways than one. Continue on that positive road. Only we are responsible for ourselves.

Try to get out and make new friends/acquaintances. Pick up on an old hobby or acquire a new one. Volunteer for an organisation Do things that you want to do or are interested in. Hook up with old friends or colleagues. Being pro-active is being in control. Sorry, family issues can be hard to deal with, but do what you believe is right for you, with regard to your daughter. Try to ensure communication stays open and honest.

One thing we know for sure is that life is so precious, so live it to your best ability and enjoy what you have in your life and change anything that makes you unhappy.

Counselling can help if you've not tried this before. Tomorrow is another day and hopefully one which finds you more positive. Wishing you all the best. X

[Jackie0 in reply to Birdsong222]

Bless you!! Life can be very difficult st times with the negativity and stress caused by other people who have little problems compared to the mammoth one you have.

It is important for your body and success of treatments that you stay positive and try not to become embroiled in other folks grief

Good luck Jackie O xx

[Avocapearl]

Hi Cynthia.

I have two daughters. One is the apple of my eye but lives In Australia.

The other is a self obsessed uncaring person who has given me nothing but grief and unhappiness. Despite this I tried to keep her close but she wouldn't even speak to me at my birthday party last week.

Having had the joy of a visit of #1recently, (she came to chemotherapy with me),I can see that it does me no good to constantly stress about having a relationship with the other

I say don't let her upset you or your life. She is toxic to your recovery. YOU CAN DO THIS!

Find new interests,get out and about, join groups and also find peace in solitude. (Also if you can, get a rescue pet, they are far more company than an ungrateful daughter.

Best wishes

[Cynthia18 in reply to Avocapearl]

Thank you for your response.my daughter is and has been so toxic to me even through my treatments. Now all that's over.im alive and back on my feet.she has not been any support at all for me! She has my ten yr old grandson. She's a single mom.she goes into rages and calls me a cunt! Which she knows upsets me to no end! She gets suicidal and says mom you just don't get it! I have helped her NUMEROUS times! I've got her help.i see a councilor and sych.dr for meds.she wants to die...I want to live!!!she's turned other family members against me.with Dramatizing lies! It upsets me so much! Then I refuse to be around her after her actions.then other family members start saying why aren't you helping her more .oh my dear lord its so on going! I know i should not be dealing with all this stress from ANYONE! I'm so scared I'm getting sick again...I'm always so upset from her!!!

I do have a small dog that has traveled and been through everything with me! Oh the bond I have with my dog.she makes me so happy💖

[bamboo89]

'I don't know how to start my life over'... boy, I know that one. I live alone, and I found, post surgery, that various people disappeared from my life within 2 months, one of whom was a friend of 35 years. I also found that many people visited a lot for about 11 months post surgery; but in the 9 months since then, I rarely get a visit (not all, there are two who still see me) and they mostly don't get in touch, other than the odd email asking how I am (I figure they're just checking whether I'm dead yet!). I have two sons; one of those stopped speaking to me just before he got married two years ago, and has not been in touch since, despite knowing my diagnosis. My other son is a bit of a nomad, coming and going overseas, but is at least still in touch and still interested. In reality, I recognised long ago that having interactions with people from my peer group is more rewarding than those with my offspring, with whom we are inevitably a bit constrained as to what we say and do. With someone of a similar generation its possible to be more open, I think.

I, too, am wondering how to start over with meeting people, because let's face it, for many, its stressful interacting for a lengthy period of time with someone who has a cancer diagnosis, particularly ovarian cancer (I'm Stage 4b). I'm even beginning to wonder whether the only new friends one can make have to be other people with cancer, something I said to the oncologist the last time I saw him. From reading between the lines, I gather this is something he sees all the time, this difficulty with previously existing relationships (including family ones), as well as trouble trying to forge new ones. And losing a partner makes it a bit of a double whammy...

I'm not sure whether you're saying your daughter lives with you or is merely nearby, but ultimately, it might be necessary to cut her out of your life. It depends whether being isolated from her will simply make you feel terribly lonely because there are probably aspects of the relationship which are positive and which you will miss. And if you're anything like me, however they behave, it doesn't change one's sense of attachment to one's offspring, and that's hard to give up on. I was advised that it was better to 'clear out the clutter' so to speak, pruning out relationships which were more negative than positive, and to focus on positive interactions. In reality, I didn't have to do much other than say what my diagnosis was, any dead or nearly dead wood disappeared all on its own... but I did find it necessary to stop trying to sort out an historically difficult relationship with my much loved sister, giving up on that entirely, it was far too painful and negative. And it's all very well, 'focusing on positive interactions', but of course, life gets in the way; other people still have the usual life troubles, and part of a relationship with anyone includes talking about those things, especially with one's offspring. Conversely, its difficult to discuss with them any problems you're having, especially if they're to do with having cancer and your health or emotional state. It's a conundrum I've been thinking about for a while...

If you have a Maggie centre or an equivalent at your cancer hospital, it might be worth dropping in there, something I'm intending to do myself, though my centre is not particularly close nor easy to get to. Other than that, I do an awful lot of gardening - but of course, that's not much help during winter. Despite still fighting cancer and living with a huge incisional hernia, I could do with a lot more social activity and interaction with other people, because I seem to still have a fair bit of mainly mental but also physical energy (though not so much as I once did) which is not really finding an outlet. I once heard Christopher Hitchens, during his treatment for cancer, say that in the end, he'd probably die of boredom... now I know exactly what he meant 😊

In the UK, we have a couple of organisations you can join (U3A, Meet Ups) - the second one might be available where you are, not sure, but try seeking out things like that to meet other people.

Miriam

[SuziTench1]

Oh Cynthia... sorry going to say it as i think.. no hurt intended.. get rid of that toxic person ..thats not love (from her side ). Since i was diagnosed I have removed all negatively i.e my brother my so called friends off facebook etc .. anyone who I dont want on my Christmas card list has gone .. gosh it feels so good 😁😁. I have no arguments or negatively from self absorbed people . For the first time in your life think of you .. you can do it 😀💪💪💪. Do as others have said go out meet people in a little club or social gathering. You will see i haven't stopped .. do it now as time not on our side .. and get a life..while you can . As hobbies go i ha e started making jewellery for target ovarian which i sell on fetes etc very gratifying.. learnt from u tube and books .. great for rainy days or post chemo days keeps me busy . Try something your worth alot more .. all the best Suzanne xx

[Cynthia18 in reply to SuziTench1]

I wish I could be as strong as you!!! When she wasn't living near me she would send me nasty texts and put such guilt trips on me.now she's here...I never know if it will be my nice daughter saying thanks for all you do I love you or I hate you your a fuckn cunt!

[Mptelesca]

You have been through a few traumatic changes. You were diagnosed, broke up with your partner and moved. All extremely stressful on your own.

While this is a time to be around family and friends, you have to be true to yourself because you are healing. Once you get busy going on with your life, YOUR way, you will find that same strength you had when going through treatment. Right now you do not need anyone’s stress. You’re trying to get rid of your own. Be a little selfish and start seeking out what makes you happy. I know this is a difficult time for you. But you can overcome it. Look how you overcame cancer.

I wish you the very best. Wishing you much peace and happiness.

Marisa

[Cynthia18 in reply to Mptelesca]

Thank you so much for your response

[shortfriends]

Hi Cynthia, I agree with all the others have said. Now is the time to be "selfish" and only see people or do things that you can tolerate. I would definitely encourage you to attend Maggies or a similar organisation, I found it supportive and stimulating and met people with and without cancer who have become friends. Some will have experienced similar problems. You have demonstrated how strong you are by coping with large unwanted changes in your life and you can do this. Please post on here anytime you are feeling life is difficult or when you are feeling happy! Take care of yourself and keep in touch and let us know how you are getting on. I find this a very supportive, therapeutic group that have helped me through difficult times and I am interested in seeing how my "fellow warriors" are getting on.

Wishing you all the best

love

Pat xx

[Cynthia18]

When I do get strong like now.i refuse to be around her and her disrespectful attitude.i think of me myself and i.remove negative from my life.then I have an uncontrollable amount of guilt she puts on me! It's like either way I suffer

[Artgreen]

You said you are seeing a psychologist but do they specialise in Transactional Analysis? I would heartily recommend it. Until I recently retired due to this disease I was a psychotherapist and this approach really helps understand how and why people behave the way they do. You have a narcissistic daughter by the sounds of it but you're right bang in the middle of a drama triangle ( power struggle) .Great advice on here about getting rid of that toxicity from your life. I have to do it a lot and I'm not above asking for help now I am starting to feel a bit recovered from the treatment. I need to vent about several people in my life but it is so important to get a counsellor psychotherapist who is on your wavelength. Solitude can be a fantastic healing space.

Good luck!

Alex x

[Cynthia18]

Thank you for responding to me.im going to look up that kind dr.you have very good advice💓

[Cynthia18]

Thank you everyone who responded to me.

I took some advice and decided to be selfish! I told all local friends and family "I'm leaving for awhile.please don't text or call me.ill let everyone know when I'm back" I had no contact and no one knew where I was going. It was great! It would of been better if I wasn't so poor but I made the best of what I had. I drove from ct to n.c. just me and my little dog! I slept at rest areas sometimes and visited friends and my SON in va. I hated to say goodbye to my son.it felt so good to be away from everyone and everything. My daughter seems to appreciate and respect me a lot more since iv been back.my family talked together while I was gone.they expressed that stress needs to stay away from me.and it does!!!

Feeling refreshed thank you

God bless

[Jane420]

That’s a beautiful story . Good for you !!!! Keep on living ....

[Cynthia18 in reply to Jane420]

Thank you jane😁