Talking to my special person a little while ago and we were chatting about when she had her reoccurrence the things people said just say thinking about it now and thought I’d ask you lovely ladies what you find the most annoying?
Ours is “If you’re positive then you won’t reoccur”
Or “How are you?”
I’m all for being positive and keeping a good outlook on life, but if positivity was all it took to stop cancer in the first place, I’d have never got sick 🙄
The “How are you?” always comes with a head tilt, and a little more emphasis on the ‘are’ and normally said very earnestly.
The other thing that people say all the time is, “You’re so brave. I don’t know how you do it,” as if I have a choice. Frankly I don’t know how I do it half the time, but what’s the alternative?!
Oh yes -
Other people: 'How are you?'
Me: 'That's a very difficult question to answer.' or 'Still standing, still walking about.'
I think I actually piss some people off when I respond with "I'm great". First time around the audience was way more empathetic. This time around...they want to hear about it, but, they don't. Heads back into the sand. I'm sure it's their way of coping and I can't say I blame them, but, then don't ask the question. Just write a sweet note..lol. Sorry...as I said before...I'm a wee bit cranky.
I want to say, well I’m still on this side of the ground, or, well i woke up today so that’s a good start....
I am in my 11th year and I think the one thing that annoys me is people saying 'Kathy you are amazing'. I AM NOT !. What I am doing is dealing with what life has thrown at me. I am certainly no braver that anyone else with a cancer diagnosis. What I am is lucky. I am getting annoyed just thinking about that phrase lol. xx Kathy xx
I get that too...you are amazing and I feel I am really not. I am lucky that I am living life on this side of cancer. Appreciating everything and realizing I have everything to live for. If everyone could have the chance to just walk in our shoes for only a week...it would change most for the better. Makes you really really stop and smell those roses and everything else. I can't even explain it....I feel I have been "touched" by a very special realization and by all you lovely ladies who walk in each other's shoes.
Marisa
So are you all better then?.....
I had my first chemo for 1st recurrence 3 weeks ago. I go back in this thursday for another round of carbo/taxol. One more treatment after that and then CATScan so I will know in a couple of months if this round has chased the spot away. But, yes...I am better knowing that we are able to get ahead of this rascal.
Stay well!
Marisa
My mom gets "you sound so well" or some variation of that from people. It's like they expect her to sound like death or something.
a woman at work once said to me "stay strong" which really annoyed me, because I always put on a brave face and she has been mopping about for the last three years because her marriage which had been dead for years eventually broke up. I was so annoyed with her gggrrrrrr xx
Oh, I have to say my laptop is shaking as I'm chuckling. You just want to put a mirror in front of people like that.
That is great! That's exactly right! What seems to be a big problem to some.....is really nothing. Our problem is inconceivable to many, but, of course they don't have, nor should they, have anything to compare to our situation. However, we keep our story and anxiety at bay when in mixed company. Many people like to wear their little crisis on their sleeves.
Gotta love it!
Marisa
Oh that sounds really annoying.
1. I know you'll beat it
2. Stay strong
3. You're so positive, you'll be fine.
Yes Harpist definitely no 3 !!!!!
It effectively puts the ball in your court to sort yourself out, doesn't it?
I had a colleague ask how long ago Mum was diagnosed. When I said over 7 years I got the response ‘wow, she’s doing well to still be here’ 😡🤬
😳
I don't really mind the "how are you" as it's a small phrase we all use when we meet each other, or talk to each other, but the asker rarely wants a proper answer. I've noticed that when I say, "I'm fine, how are you?" I get a blank stare. It's the normal response but not what the asker seems to expect but what else do they expect me to say? I once answered someone, who I didn't particularly like who asked how I was with those sympathetic looks, "Dead woman walking". They walked away very red. Job done.
I do appreciate it when true friends say that I look so much better than I did six or seven months ago because I know they mean it as they saw me through those horrendous times. I did go to a reunion (meeting) a couple of weeks ago and those I really like tended to hug me tight and say, "Lovely to see you again". One guy hugged me twice, just in case I missed the first one I think. That's nice. I liked that. Then, later, one of my dear friends dropped me an email to say how well I looked, compared the to the last time". That's good too as I have been looking like a dead woman walking for some time.
When I speak to my best friend she always says, "I think about you every day". She's now 81 and not too clever herself and I think of her every day too. We also tell each other that we love each other and share memories going back 47 years. Some of them very naughty. But, I tend not to give her too much information about the cancer unless it's good news. She worries enough about me, I don't want her worrying any more.
When I recur then I'll make a note of how it goes down. At the moment I am on an up, despite the flu, so everyone around me seems to be too. This afternoon hubby went to our art and craft group on his own as he's done a brilliant job of looking after me and I wanted him to have some time out. No-one asked about the cancer. Whoooppeeee!! They all did ask about my flu and sent their love. Nice to know I'm normal for a while.
Big love to you and your special person. I know how close you are, which is fabulous. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Some people will just never know what to say. Right now my time is too precious to deal with them. I let it wash over me and move along.
I had an interesting conversation with a neighbour in the lobby. She said "I just don't know what's the right thing to say." And I said, "Just say whatever is in your heart." For me, it's the intent of the person.
But I will confess to being piZZed off at an insensitive cousin who said, "It's serious, Nancy." Ah, yeah, thanks. I hadn't realized that on my own.
"You'd never know that you've got cancer!!" Honestly I'm not making it up. I almost pull up my top to show them my debulking surgery scar. Somehow unless you look thin, bald and grey of complexion you can't really be living with cancer. If only...........
Oh yeah, that one too. Or “you’re joking, really?” I know its a figure of speech but my warped sense of humour is not so warped that I’d joke about having cancer.
“Wanna see my scar....”
love it. There's black humour but that's ridiculous!!! As if any of us would claim we had cancer for a joke. xxxxx
I feel the same way!!! People tell me this all the time! Last year someone got me on a bad day by saying the exact same thing so so piped back at them: “Well looks are deceptive aren’t they! As I’m riddled with it!”. The poor person went silent...
X
Yes sometimes it really feels like people don't believe you and despite being grateful that you don't look like you're at death's door, you don't want to have to justify yourself all the time. Sending lots of hugsxx
I have just got to the point where I don’t really care what people say since I only have people around me that are more up to having fun and just accepting me as I am.
I don’t tell people who don’t need to know and have separated from others that have a condescending and the wrong for me attitude.
This was from a councelling course that I went on after chemo and it did me so much good. I tell you you know who your real friends are after all this.
Just rise above it Hun and look after your special person,
Wish you lots of love,
Carole xx
I always say how are you oops! Because I want to know how they really feel not to answer with something they think they should
I guess mine is ‘my friend used alternative medicine and they’re cured. Why not try it’. Like I’ve made no effort to try and beat the aliens out of town. I guess In their defence until I had a cancer I had no serious understanding of how scary it is and how helpless you feel when it’s running away with you and there’s no stop button
LA xx
That’s the another thing too they have no clue and think they know it all!! Xxx
That would be my favourite too.. when I hear 'I know someone who had (insert random kind of cancer here; maybe even ovarian) and she did soandso and she is fine now.. ' , or: ' At last Sunday's coffee and cake event, I told my friend about your case who is a retired (insert random specialization) doctor and she recommends soandso. You should try that.' without having a clue about my specific illness , the available treatments or the current research.
Bless them, they mean well.. but those comments still annoy me for some reason 
Maus
Hi,
Arranged meet up for next Wednesday 28TH March.
I have booked a table for lunch at the Swan at Whittington for 1 PM just off junction 7 of the M5. post code WR5 2RL.
They have reserved a table up some steps so that we can talk freely.
Julia who is coming has volunteered to contact the Worcester News to see if we can get any support from them to raise awareness, just a thought.
Do hope you can get someone to give you a lift to join us, you are such an inspiration to us all.
Looking forward to meeting you (heres hoping).
Love Anthea x
Hi, CallmeMum...glad you got that conversation going with your lovely special person! Always great to hear what our favs are. My favorite is..."how did this happen?" my answer (inside my head) NOW IF i KNEW THAT ANSWER, I WOULD ALSO HAVE THE COMPLETE ONE SHOT CURE FOR CANCER! I thought they got it all?!". "how can you go through this again?"-my answser: WATCH ME!
I hope I don't sound like an idiot saying this, but, this second time around, I almost am made to feel (of course I am reading into some of the reaction or it's just my own self afflicted guilt) as if I did something wrong in the last 3 years and i INVITED OC to come back for another visit. I do let people know who feel the need to ask these questions is that I am quite pleased with myself for staying on top of my follow ups and that I am willing to commit to stay ahead of this.
What more do people want to hear in an answer? Why? Are they willing to switch places?...wait...I am so sorry...I am extremely cranky and I just got mean. lol. Sorry...I really am in a better mood as I get close to quitting time for the week.
Have a wonderful weekend, lovely ladies!
Marisa
Oh yes! I got a “You must have been really wicked in past life to deserve getting cancer twice!” 😳😳😳
A cancer friend later messaged me to ask how friendly I was with the thoughtless person, because she would happily break her face for me 😆 Now that’s the kind of friend I need in my life!
Holy moly. That's an incredibly insensitive thing to say to ANYONE with ANYTHING!
Listen, I'm a shoe thrower and I wear heavy clogs. I've got your back! Jeez....people say the dumbest things. If one doesn't know what to say, a gentle, warm smile with a gentle squeeze of the hand will suffice. better yet...don't look at me or touch me! lol.
Stay well, my friend.
Hi there, when I am around my family & friends they treat me like Cindy but I do meet people like in the church that know I have cancer. Now they say things that are quite funny like; you are still with us that's amazing!!! You don't even look sick & oh well is that your real hair? I now tend to sit at the back of the church hall & try not to be notice too much.
Love what everyone has said it's so true but sadly the comments that those without cancer gives us is given in complete naivety & sometimes they think it's to help us in some strange why. All take care Cindyxx
Most annoying for me is ‘but you’re too young to have cancer’.
Me: Apparently not!
I get that too. Or “Oh! What about your children?” As if I hadn’t given my role in their future any thought...
How insensitive. What on earth do those people get out of that? Makes me so angry xx
What a bizzarre thing to say to you. Have you come up with a good response to that one? It sounds like it needs a response that initially sounds sweet and tactful but is oozing in acid wit so they don’t quite know what’s hit them until 30 seconds later!!
As if it has an age restriction. How stupid and unhelpful xx
Have you tried cannabis oil/tumaric/ginger?
Hi lovelies,
Thanks for your responses it’s good to see so many! I have to say most people in the way they respond to you when they ask questions/make comments are either naive or just plain bloody stupid! My mum when I tell her about my special person and her cancer is ‘dormant’ always says so it’s gone completely then? I reply no Mum it’ll never go away it’s in sleep mode like a computer!
Morning ladies .... all your comments have made me chuckle!
I have a sister in law who spends her life floating around on a big fluffy pink cloud.
She rang me the other day because she’d heard I was struggling with my second round of Caelyx.
Hi she said who are you? .... Shite! I replied .... Tumbleweed followed .... Oh! I’ve got the gas man calling round later! 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
The same person also told me my pre-bulking operation, you’ll be fine after two weeks!
😂😂😂😂
When I was discussing the probability of recurrence with a friend, she said "how can it recur if you've had everything taken away." I felt that she thought I was dramatising for attention.
Jenny
Coming in a tad late on this one, a bit like the late dinner guest who plonks herself down and expects a full resume of all she has missed.... but hey
The strangest thing the (well over 30year old) son of a neighbour friend said to me was “I envy you. At least you know you don’t have a really long life so you can make the most of it”. I didn’t know what to say then and I still find it really really weird.
My personal bug bear comment is “I can’t believe how you deal with it”. So is it the dealing part or the it part or the me part which taxes your credulity? Mainly my friends and others who matter don’t say such stuff because I have had a go at them if they do. I have little time for bulls**t so am getting better at saying what is on my mind and hang the consequences.
Take care everyone xxx Netti
To a point I can kind of understand that comment but so bloody insensitive at the same time!! As for the I can’t believe how you deal with it I’d reply well if I didn’t deal with it then I wouldn’t be here now but if you wanna put me in my grave next time you comment please have the tape measure and spade ready! Xxx
I’ve just been pondering this some more, I don’t mind a casual “How are you?” I say it all the time too.
It’s “How *are* you?” <head tilt, sad face> that annoys me, because 1) it’s normally someone I don’t know that well 2) they want a full in depth discussion about it 3) I just know they are going to go back to their friends and bask in the reflected glory of having a ‘friend’ with cancer (“I’m so sorry to hear that” and “Your poor friend” etc).
I spend a lot of time saying I’m fine, when I’m kind of not, and then when I have a bit of a wobble, I get a barrage of “Keep strong” and “Stay positive” as if I’ve suddenly fallen to pieces and am destroying my chances of survival. I just want to yell, “I am f***ing strong and positive 99% of the time, let me have this moment!”
🤔That was therapeutic...who needs counselling sessions, when we’ve got this forum?!
So yell it if they don’t like it then they’ll have to lump it and get over it, you can always say oh sorry about that outburst it’s gotta be the chemo 😂 😂 xxx
Oh my gosh. Your comment about the ' friend' who reflects in the glory reminds me of my cousin. When mum was first diagnosed, I look on Facebook and my cousin has kindly plastered over her page her distress at finding out her aunt had stage 3 cancer. My mum, sisters and I hadn't even had the time to digest any of it by then so to see it plastered for all to see was downright insensitive. But to then see all the sympathy comments from her friends - aimed at how she was coping - absolutely infuriated me. Just thinking about it now has set the rage going again 
However, cue a rather brief note to said cousin to ask her to stop being so public with issues that do not impact her, and stop revelling in the undeserved sympathy.
A tad harsh you may think if mum and cousin were close right? Cousin has not visited mum in the 7.5 years since diagnosis..................
I had the ‘plastered all over Facebook’ experience and swiftly dealt with the culprit because I had made a conscious decision *not* to go public with my diagnosis initially. It irritated me intensely to see all the friends of the culprit jumping in with, ‘Oh no!’ and ‘How awful for you!’ when it wasn’t even them going through it!
I also have someone else in my life who cries whenever they talk about me and my situation to other people.
Sounds like my special person’s sister, she was loving the fact her partner had apparently died of cancer (she’s a drama queen when all ex boyfriends have broken up with her she says they have died) anyway when she heard her own sister had cancer she was doing a proper drama queen “I’m here if you need me, take my number” all that shite they hadn’t spoken in a few years as she’s a violent nut job the only reason my special person told her was for the fact it’s in the family and she wants to make sure they know this is serious because it’s gone in sisters aunties mothers daughters either breast or ovarian she don’t want the drama with it she wants to enjoy life to the full without her crap in between xxx
Outrageous. It makes my blood boil
My special person has tried every healthy diet on earth since diagnosis! She only feels well when she eats utter crap so I just tell her eat what you fancy and sod what the rest of the world thinks xx
Most of it seems to be well-meaning but people just dont know what to say. But bugbears from my mum's journey are 'oh someone i know had [insert totally different cancer type caught at totally different stage] and theyre still here 10 years on so there is hope'. But the main one is denial. 'If we just pretend completely this isnt happening itll make it easier all round'. This one really pisses me off cos shes using up valuable energy keeping a front for these people & it completely takes away her 'permission' to have a crap day or even just to say 'you know what, its really really tough at the moment'. The selfishness of this approach astounds me.
That said you do really know who your friends are. There are folks who say 'let me know if you need anything' but say it out of politeness and there are others who just do it - turn up at the door with a cooked meal, bring her her favourite flowers, keep the social invites coming so she still feels connected even when she has to turn down several in a row. These go some way to cancelling out the other thoughtless crap that comes her way.
I’ve had a lot of ‘let me know if...’ over the last couple of years. I didn’t capitalise on it first time around, but second time around I put a shout-out on Facebook confirming that the cancer had come back, and saying if anyone wants to help, then meals would be most appreciated. Lots of people said, ‘Count me in!’ So I thought that lots of food would be forthcoming...reality was entirely different, and only two loyal friends made me a meal without fail throughout most weeks of my treatment. I had a couple of others helped where they could, but other than that, none of the original ‘me, me, me’ types did anything. It was all very sad.
Gosh it seems quite common doesnt it. Maybe just saying it gives them a sense that theyre helping, even if they then actually dont help in any practical way. Im glad that you have at least a few doers. Maybe its that the C seems so big and overwhelming some folks just close it off completely, Im not sure how else to explain it. And good for you for posting that you could do with a bit of practical support, even if the response wasnt what youd imagined. That probably took some doing xx
Ohhhhh I have a corker for you. Half way through my treatment (2nd reoccurrence) my fiancé decided he couldn’t do it anymore and wanted out he said “I didn’t sign up for this”. Oh I’m sorry! My mistake, I thought we both felt cancer was right for us at this time, I’ll see if I can find the receipt and return it.
Oh. So sorry to hear that. As if you haven't got enough to deal with. Sending hugs.
That is awful. What a %¥**
What a d***head! Xxx
Jeez!? I think you are better off without him my dear (shit though this might be right now...). There will be a guy you WILL have your back and stand by you...
What planet do some people live on!!?
Xxx
You are well rid of him. You didn't sign up to spending your life with a heartless unfeeling excuse for a man. Sending big hugscxx
Good point, well made.
I personally think we all expect too much from most people, what did we say before we lived with cancer. I am sure we said most of the same things.
People I try to avoid are when they want to list everyone they know or have heard of die from cancer
. I want positive people in my life. I don’t want to chat cancer all the time, I still love s coffee and s good gossip about anything.
I still don’t know what to say, when someone has had bad news . I hope I do ok, but not sure I do.
I also appreciate the fact they ask how I am and don’t shy away from me.
I agree. None of this comes with a handbook whether you’re the patient or the carer / family / friends. Sometimes I think people are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. If on the other hand you know it is intended maliciously or it’s really annoying - tell them / pull them up on it. I notice how many ppl want to tell me that they know someone else with cancer....but they died (lucky me?) 😂
Send them a link / post an ambiguous message on social media..... lifehacker.com/use-the-ring... .... or not.
This is so true. I bumped into a 'friend' during my first outing wearing a wig. She came up to me 'your hair looks great' said she. ' It's not mine' I replied. 'Oh, what's wrong?' she asked. 'OC' I replied. And then this is the response I got ' my aunt had oc and then died and my cousin had (insert another cancer plus head tilt) and she died and then there was my mother (more head titling) she had (deep intake of breath) OC and she died.' And so it carried on. At the end, I suggested perhaps she better get some genetic testing ( and I put on my best smile) and I send 'Thanks so much for that, bye. ' But in the head I said you f***ing arse, did I really need to hear any of that?? So totally insensitive.
Feel so much better for my moan. Thank you! Best therapy!
Hi ladies,
Thanks for sharing your comments. I've heard a few alike.
Lately after my recurrence special one from my sis:
You being sick again, makes me depressed. You just don't want to get better and enjoy life. Or you don't know how to live that's why you got cancer!
I love her and understand its hard for her, but this is over the top.
I have just read all these comments and I just had to add my favourite! A good friend will often say, if I am having an ‘off’ day, “oh, I know just how you feel”. NO, I say (occasionally scream) to her, you don’t. “But I do, I was quite ill once”!! I no longer argue, I can’t be bothered. Then another friend, who had breast cancer 20 yrs ago, says I must stay positive, as though that is a cure-all. Finally, another favourite is “well, you look fine so there can’t be much wrong”. On a bad day that makes me feel as though I am not making an effort. As Yoshbosh says, offloading this is better than a counselling session! Love to all 🌸🌷 Carolyn x
I don't like 'you're so brave'. I tell them I'm not brave, I have no choice but to deal with it. I also get fed up with being continually told I look so well. Ok, I suppose I'm glad I look well, it's better than looking &feeling dreadful, but sometimes I wonder if they realise I am ill. I don't like the sympathetic looks I've had from some people either. I get fed up sometimes with people who ask me 'how are you' every time they see me. I usually don't want to tell them everything, so I say I'm ok, then they say 'you always say that'. Someone asked me last week, how are you, are you wellish? I didn't mind that, perhaps I'll start telling people I'm wellish, and see how they react. Di
My mum said to me a few days ago ‘ don’t forget your courage will play a big part in it’
I said, that’s a huge burden for me, I try not to think about it like that, as it’s suggesting I am in control of the outcome and I’m not! If courage and strength alone played its part I wouldn’t be progressing as I am!
It’s like when people say ‘she lost her battle ‘
LOST !!! 😱
I know what you mean, Jess. I had a massive breakdown because of the weight of other people’s expectations. I’ve hardly told anyone about my scan results, because how can I explain that my doctor is really happy there’s only 1cm left on my liver, when I’m devastated about it. It was good news, but it didn’t feel like it, so how can others understand, especially when I’m trying to get some ‘normality’ back until the next time.
Hi, I’ve not had recurrence as being diagnosed at Stage 4 I don’t get a chance at remission, but it is stable and will be on current treatment plan progression starts again. And it will start at some point at which time I’ll be changing treatment.
I agree though, the comments I get are if you’re positive it may not progress (as if that’s all it took) or the but you look great (and I want to say what for someone’s who’s supposedly dying I mean I thought I looked ok before diagnosis ).
the worse is when you talk about brain fog and I get a chuckle and oh honey we all have brain fog, it’s called getting older, NO, no it’s not. I just grit my teeth, smile and nod back at them while thinking idiot! My true friends understand my struggles and have a laugh at me when I recount some of my brain fog episodes. For others I guess they mean well, but I don’t need that nonsense, life’s to short so I just walk away shaking my head.....
Thank goodness for all of you. Love what you have written, makes me smile and realise that I'm not the only one who gets upset/infuriated etc when folk say really stupid things. I feel like saying, "If positivity cured cancer they would have marketed it at a huge price in America. Oh wait! they already have!! LOL. But I also know most people don't know what to say and I wish they never, ever have to find out for themselves what having cancer really means. Thanks to you all.
I spent a year shedding "bad for me" people who would ask how I was doing--depending on level of friendship, I would explain or not. The ones I NO LONGER see, would ask, not listen then go on for a very long time explaining their hip pain, teeth pain, family troubles and I would wonder is this nervousness over not knowing what to say or do I know a bunch of narcissistic people. I happily created distance from those, and made closer the ones who already were dear friends (I have two best friends for over 40 years and both were by my side WITH my hubby and sons for "big occasions" like debulking and chemo--how do they always know the perfect things to say? Or not.)
What bugs me the most is when I found myself making the other person feel better about me. That had to stop. Like I wanted them not to be so worried. Made me realize that was a a problem and not mine. Only certain "types" would/could do that to me but its annoying.
This forum and one other I am on--is the safest and most understanding place I go. I am so thankful to have found you all and not have to hear inane comments or explain anything we all understand. oxoxox
I’m a bit late on catching up but I have been laughing out loud on this miserable Saturday at all the comments.
My most annoying thing is that my sister is so sensitive I didn’t dare tell about my first recurrence as I would have to prop her up. I have told her about my newest recurrence because I was worrying so much that she might look on my calendar and see “chemo day” so decided that up front was better.
I have to agree that, how “are” you, is the most annoying comment but I always reply fine how are you.
I will probably read all the comments again just to have another good laugh.
K x
Hi - I think people just don’t understand and I know most of the comments are well meaning. The How Are You question, I usually skip over and ask other people about themselves. I don’t think they really want to know how I am (NED but facing uncertainty and all of the anxiety that comes with that). I’ve only shared the real answer with very close friends and they’ve been upset but supportive.
Just a few of the more memorable comments:
My mum: well, at least your hair will grow back, that’s the main thing. ( but at least she’s stopped Telling me how awful it is being old)
My mother in law recently reminded me how important it was to pay into my pension (I’m 55 now)
When I returned to work quite soon after the end of treatment still feeling battered and bruised someone said: You must look in the mirror every morning and be grateful to be well.
Me: I look in the mirror and feel grateful to be alive.
Mine was “you don’t look like you have cancer” and also “you’re so very brave” I have bitten my tongue lots of times. People mean well but....😐😬 ❤️ Xx Jane
I think my most memorable tactless comment was “oh I’d love to have your nice flat stomach, what diet are you on?” I hate people commenting on weight/body size anyway but that comment was from the district nurse as she was cutting the staples from my abdomen post surgery. No comment at that point as she was still armed with the cutters and only half way through, but really?!?!?!
😳
Hahaha. That reminds me of an instance when someone commented on weight loss and asked which diet I was on and I blurted the cancer diet. The look of horror made me feel bad, but I still chuckle when I think of it
I know what you mean but I started to find it hard to feel too bad when I had to respond to those kinds of comments from all sorts of people who appear to think its a compliment. I had been losing weight for months and was underweight with bones visible, sunken eyes, grey skin. I found it offensive when people asked about my diet, the insinuation being that I had chosen to make myself that thin. I never comment on people’s weight because I don’t think you can make assumptions on appearance. So I make no apologies if I don’t feel like giving a tactful response on occasion. The comment from the district nurse was just mindblowing as she’d just read my medical notes and really should have thought before speaking.
Very very true. All women struggle with Wright issues in my family and my sister is often asked when the baby is due.... we always have a giggle afterwards st the look of horror when she says I’m not pregnant I’m just fat....
The "How are you" bugged me the most x💕
When people say how are you I reply "I'm Still Here! ". Usually shuts them up
You look so well drives me nuts, if only they could see the insides.
One day I was at the supermarket check waiting to pay, no hair and no wig on. Two ladies start putting their shopping on the conveyor belt behind me. They look at me then away quickly. One said to the other ohhhh I've heard asparagus is a cure for cancer! I couldn't help but laugh out loud.
🙄
I agree with al the posts above. This is one of the best posts ever. And it has made us laugh... thank you.
The worst one I had was a counsellor speaking to my partner and I ( me trying to speak about the pressures of all this etc and how to deal with other people and inlaws etc).
She said to me “Well, your Cancer really should not make a difference here, should it? It is not really relevant?.” For a gentle person, I wanted to punch her! I stared at her and said *Excuse me???*...um I think my cancer is IS relevant?!. She disagreed. That was the end of that counsellor!
Also had:
“Wow! You look so well!!” ( well, that’s funny because I’m not, you dimwit!
“You’re letting the cancer determine your life?!” ( aka a friend who thinks my cancer has gone).
“But *Sue (false name) lived for 7 years with her cancer before she died!!” ( same mentioned friend me..patiently trying to explain that the person in question had a slow growing Bowel cancer, and that my case was a little different!)
“ Are you back working yet?” Me: Er no?!! I had 10 parts of my body removed 2 weeks ago?!!! ( another dimwit)
“Well, plenty of people live perfectly happy lives without children”. ( Another tactless person trying to minimise child loss and infertility, like it was my LIFE CHOICE...?
Oh I think you’ve opened Pandora’s box here!!
Nicky *on a rambling roll, sorry!!
I love pandora (jewellery) 😂 and the box always interesting to see others most annoying phrases 😊 xxx
Oh!!! I think I would kill someone who said that to me. I am in the same boat childless and infertile, then to get ovarian cancer. I struggled for years with the sadness of not being able to have children. To think someone would say that!!!!! I did get asked once if I knew how selfish I was not having children. When the arsehole didn’t know my situation. 😭
Upon my second reoccurrence several work colleaugues told me "you'll be fine, you've done it twice no issue for you eh" Honestly did not know how to respond !! 😂 Xx
Something I’ve noticed with the oncologist’s initially (were on first name terms now and just have a Mother’s meeting) 😊 was the head tilt “how are you?” I thought to myself you do this everyday and you don’t realise how annoying it is! Now it’s like we’re old friends and just have a laugh and joke unless it’s a bad CA125 count... xxx
It's great that you can have a relaxed relationship like this, a sort of teamwork approach. My previous onc was quite clinical and we could always tell by the head tilt that an 'unfortunately' was coming
Love this post, definitely great medicine. Really recognise the "How ARE you?" brigade, and can't believe the eagerness some have to tell you their worst cancer horror story - why do they DO that?!
So many 'well meaners' wouldn't understand the black humour they have sparked, and I bet I was one of them saying stupid things before!
Told my mum after my recurrence that holidays might be an issue now, as to my insurance company, I was now a greater risk, and she said 'I don't think so!' (She reckons to be an authority on everything ) followed by 'why?'! I had to ask (in front of my partner) if she remembered me telling her the bit about it being incurable......Later in the conversation, I had to justify my decision to give up work, ('why do you want to do that?'!) and decided it was better not to speak to her for a while as she kept saying things that made me spell out the fact my life is going to be shorter than I thought, then telling me I had to be positive!
Think my consultant takes the biscuit though. I asked about the efficacy of taking oestrogen blockers for my GCT, and he seemed to think it was a bad idea. When pressed as to why, he seemed concerned that it might give me slight menopausal side effects. I told him I reckoned I could handle that, as surely opening a window or dealing with some hot flushes is better than the alternative of a shorter lifespan??
I also hate the well-meaning responses of acquaintances (& some family/friends!) when I say I'm not sure if I can get insurance to go on holiday (I love travelling in India, Sri Lanka, Malaysia etc) & am told how wonderful the Cotswolds are this time of year! I know they mean well, but it's hardly the same!
Sorry to rant but you've got me going now - I also have a sibling who I have little in common with and rarely speak to, let alone see. We are both just busy with our own lives. This person has a fixation since I told them of my recurrence, that I am holding them at arms' length, when the reality is a) I don't really have a relationship, b) don't have much in common any more and c) I just don't have the energy to have verbal battles with them. (Like my mum, they always know what's best!) They recently messaged me out of the blue to see if I was up for a chat. At the time, I was getting over an infection and not feeling great as my consultant had just cancelled my post op follow up due to weather conditions, and I was feeling a bit lost and very fearful. I responded that I wasn't really feeling up for chatting, but messaging would be lovely, to get "ok, nothing new there then". I didn't respond, as I have had a couple of rants from them recently about stupid things, and didn't have the energy for a fight. I haven't heard back since! No concern as to why I might be feeling low, how my operation/follow up went, or thought that a childish tantrum might not be the best reaction when I'm coming to terms with some cr&p news, but priceless that three weeks on I have still heard nothing!
(Did I say that this was the same person who thought recovery from major abdominal surgery might be a canoeing trip with them a week or so later?! )
Keep up this ace thread, I love it and have already read it twice!
All I can say is wow what a silly s**t!! Who would really think it’s okay to go and do physical exercise a week after major surgery that’s like expecting someone to run a marathon a week after having a baby!! As for your mums attitude I’d call it the right one however you never know until you speak to the insurance company on the other end of the phone!! Xxx
Oh Callmemum, I hope this post runs forever!
My worst was a ?friend who knew the full story (incurable etc) and after discussing parties passed said, "so what are you planning for your 70th?", I was diagnosed in 2016 and have just turned 63. I couldn't help it, I said, "if I'm still alive at 70 it'll be a miracle so, yeah, it'll be a biggy". The friendship has cooled a bit but so guess she just forgot.
I did have amazing parties for my 40th, 50th and 60th! 🎉🎉🎉🍾🍾🍾🎂😬😜 I was snowed in for my 63rd on 3rd March in Essex/East Anglia = far too quiet!
I love this forum xxxxx
Ah I love this thread. So perfect for a snowed in afternoon, and a nice distraction from the remaining healing pains and niggles after the latest surgery, and worried thoughts about the upcoming chemo.
Madmarilyn's post reminded me of something else that's annoying: Some of my folks absolutely insisting they come visit me immediately after surgery. When I patiently (and for the fourth time) tried to explain that there is nothing to see during the first 48 hrs except a seriously spaced out woman attached to 6 tubes and leaking/puking all over the sexy hospital johnny, and that I really wouldn't have the strength to communicate with anyone but my husband, I received the following text (paraphrasing/translating):
'I don't think you realize how hard it is for me to stay away. It isn't fair that you reject me like that'
My response: Radio silence. *sigh*
The sense of entitlement to sharing MY disease is amazing. Lucky she didn't bring cameras and booked a reality TV show, I reckon.
Be well, folks.
Maus
I've just thought of another irritation. When people ask how you are and you say you're having tired days and they say 'oh, me too - I think it's the time of year'. There's tired, and there's cancer tired.
I’ve just gone back to work today, and one person told me at great length how poorly they had been with a bad cold. They didn’t ask how I was/if I was glad to be back/how lovely it was to see me...
I have read all the above comments and have experienced most of them l had hoped that they had run their course. However l went for coffee today with a group of friends and one said if had been a very difficult year since l was first diagnosed and it had been hard to be friends with me. In defence l said l had been ill and had major surgery to which she replied well thats a year ago now and perhaps l had mental health issues!
Don't put things off...
Just to say hi
Just to say hello
