Below is a crib from the Inspire OC forum. Often American humour does not travel well but I thought this was spot on.
Hope you enjoy
Just mentioning my UNMENTIONABLES!
Maema's avatar Maema Add As FriendMessage
February 2, 2018 at 8:55 pm 50 Replies Shared With Members
I am going to mention my unmentionables, another “side effect” of my cancer journey. I am not going to lie. I needed to lose weight before diagnosis. I had been trying to get my hormones in balance ever since gaining 30lbs in just a little over a year. Although even when I was a size 4, way back in the day, I was never one to wear bikini panties, or swimsuits. My desire to be comfortable far outweighed my tolerance for itchy lace and elastic hitting my bikini line scar from my 80s surgeries. Forget about thongs, those were just a terrible waste of money given the amount of fabric included! I mean, why bother? So my standard panty uniform was the Jockey French Cuts which hit me above my bikini scar and still looked sexy enough for me. They came in black, white, grey and tan. What else do you need?
Well, then comes the big diagnosis and the big surgery, which left me with well, an even bigger belly with little muscle tone and reduced muscle control. Now, added to my bikini line scars I have the big vertical booger up to my belly. The combination of the two makes an upside down T, with a dot on top, which is my belly button. This is lovingly referred to as the “Front Butt” or “Belly Butt”. Cool. That’s pretty. Any panty that hits below the belly irritates my new scar. So even though I managed to avoid the granny panties in the past, I now embrace them. I LOVE my granny panties. After experimenting around my favorite choice is Warner’s Women’s Body Heaven, No Muffin Top Brief Panty…in Toasted Almond. They hold you in (a little bit), but not too much.
But of course, I had also heard of the often mentioned Spanx. So I recently invested in one of these monsters to wear with dresses. Well, some things were just not meant to be. Who remembers Sir Isaac Newton’s Third Law of Motion? It goes like this:
“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”
OK, so what did we expect to happen when we force ourselves into a pair of Spanx? If you do manage to stuff that pricey sausage casing with ALL that is YOU, what happens next? The Third Law happens, Ladies! The Spanx are pushing in, and All that is You is pushing you out, with an equal and opposite force!
Pressure out, pressure in, organs tormented, deep within!
This cannot be a good thing. And it’s all happening at your midriff! That leaves your appendages cut off from your heart and lungs. I figure either my heart and lungs will blow or my appendages will drop off due to lack of blood supply. But hey, my midriff will look great!
I guess I won’t be wearing a dress anytime soon. Do I hear an "AMEN"?