MOVING PAST MY TEARS.

[Venessabr]

So, I've recently been told that Mom has a few months to live. Cancer has spread to more organs than I want to count. She's in pain all day but partly due to her not taking meds on time. This sounds s bit funny but she says that since "Prince overdosed on pain killers, she doesn't want to die the same way. " she's always been dramatic. Anyway I want to take her on what I am thinking may be my very last trip with her. We are flying to Miami and then taking a cruise to Jamaica and Cayman Island. Just wondering if I should take her oxygen? Will the air pressure. Difficult for her? Is there anything abnormal that I should carry for her comfort?For the first time she I flying first class. She will get a kick out of that. Please advise.

[Rachael47]

What a lovely idea. I don't know much about travelling but I think there might be an issue with oxygen on board a plane. Perhaps you need to have a serious conversation with the travel company and find out exactly what they will allow. I think you may have problems with insurance too, unless you are able to pay for any medical care yourself. Insurance companies are not known for their compassion!

I do hope it all works out and you have a lovely last trip.

[Venessabr in reply to Rachael47]

The insurance I guess you're talking about is in case something happens to her on the trip? Thanks for the note about oxygen. I had not considered that.

[minard]

I like the fact that you're considering such a wonderful trip for your mother - but please don't think it's necessarily the last one! What I think you should focus on more is making sure that she's involved in all the decision-making around your holiday. That means not just the travelling and insurance problems, or talking to her medical team to make sure they agree, but more importantly helping your mother to get her head in the right place regarding pain management.

I too have a bit of a phobia about taking medication, and initially didn't really take medical advice so felt really bad. When I realised that it was the sensible route, and how much better my symptoms and side effects could be, I've followed medical advice to the letter. Please encourage your mother to see how important this step can be. Celebs like Prince are the exception, not the rule.

Then you can get round to your marvellous trip, with your mother looking forward to it all just as much as you all. x

[Venessabr in reply to minard]

Thanks minard. Fortunately for traveling insurance in the US they really don't ask you any information. Secondly, every time she has traveled with me it's always been a surprise. She has never been very outgoing to make her own travel plans so when I ask her about a bucket list for travel she has always said " I have never thought of anywhere to go until you take me there." The social worker thought it was a great idea but perhaps I should talk to her nurse. I have gotten her best friend who is a nurse to travel with us so I hope she will listen to her with the meds situation. I've also paid for first class plane tickets so they she can totally recline. It's so hard to not think of it as probably her palsy trip when I am seeing the size of her tumors triple in 2 weeks or when she is not getting chemo but still so week. I hope they she will get to realize that the pain killer is just sensible as well.

[Caroles1]

Hi love,

It's a fantastic idea,will need a lot of organising and you are a lovely daughter for doing this.

I agree with the conversation with the travel company and also definately with mum to make sure she really wants to do this,she may want to do something closer to home,America is so lovely,I'd love to spend time in Florida and am determined to go back!

Never think what you are doing is the last time,since so many ladies have defied the odds on here!

If you do it,just make sure you have everything covered and yes,I was a Prince fan and am very sad he has gone,as I am George Michael,David Bowie and Michael Jackson, but they aren't us and I'm not sure they were just taking painkillers? We are all different.

Good luck with whatever you all choose to do

Carole xx

[Venessabr in reply to Caroles1]

Thanks for your advice. There are some sulfur waters in Jamaica which she has always expressed a desire to go in thinking it would bring her some sought if healing either physically or spirituality so my hope is that since this was the only thing she asked for that I could allow her the experience. I will consult the nurse from hospice though.

[Marzipan]

What a lovely trip you have planned! So I hesitate to say this, but do you think your mom will be well enough to enjoy it? The way you describe her tumour growth and weakness made me wonder. A consult with her oncology nurse/doctors could set your mind at ease on that score, even though you've gone all out with first class tickets and a nurse friend.

The other thing I've heard, and experienced in my own journey (turned out not to be the palliative spread we thought), is that when facing death there are certain things that agitate our minds; an overdue conversation, sorting out belongings, etc. Usually the "to do" list is near home. Are you leaving your mother enough time to complete everything she wants to complete? Not to say that her time is short, but that she may need to clear her mind in short order to be at peace. It was that way with me. Also, is there anyone who would not be on the trip that may cause regrets down the line? I would encourage you to share your trip plans with your mom this time. It's not an ordinary trip.

Of course, I may be talking out of my hat, because you would know your mom best. If all else is sorted, it sounds a super sunny and special way to spend time together. Bon voyage!

[Venessabr in reply to Marzipan]

Thanks so much for your insight. When you are not in the situation it's hard to think of all here things. There is no one that would want to come. I have called the nurse to see what she thinks. The social worker said that if we were prepared for her. It being to do much more than sit on a wheel chair on the balcony of the ship then it should be fine. I will take your advice and consult with the nurse. I am reluctant to ask if there is much else that needs straightening out. I have just learned that she is blaming herself for having had this nasty disease go so far. She is dealing with that. I am very realistic as to her condition and knowing that she needs to tie things up with her personal affairs but I fear that it would put her in a more depressive state.

[Marzipan in reply to Venessabr]

Aaah, regrets are hard. I stuck my head in the sand (assumed a benign cause for my symptoms) and was too busy with a family wedding to get the scan my doctor wanted. Many of us are guilty of similar self neglect. We have to forgive ourselves.

You sound like a loving daughter who wants to do everything possible to help your mother. It must be hard to know what kind of conversations would help her or just be upsetting for nothing.

In my own case, I was so grateful that my husband and close family and friends didn't hush my fears and tears and let me talk about my own death. I needed to express my thoughts and let out the stress, even though there were no answers but a cuddle and prayers to God.

So many people are afraid to speak about death and dying. Those who were willing were a gift to me.

All the very best to you and your dear mum.

[Venessabr in reply to Marzipan]

You have given me irreplaceable insight into this conversation with death and dying.

[Hidden]

This is a marvellous idea but you have to sit down and think out all the practicalities. The insurance just may not cover your Mum falling ill while abroad when she is currently ill. You need to suss that out as well as speak to her team and nurse before you make any booking. There was a lady here in the summer whose motor scooter overturned when going back up the ramp to her cruise ship. She ended up with a huge bill because her insurance wouldnt cover her because she had been injured before travel in a car accident and had back injuries so treatment here for her back wasnt covered. The woman was enraged and got lots of publicity but she had been a lawyer and should have known the score. She got back to USA eventually but it was a difficult time. Dont mean to frighten you but you need to take all into account.

[Venessabr in reply to Hidden]

Wow! I thought travel insurance overs everything?

[Biscuitqueen]

What a lovely thing to do for your Mum! I'm on this forum for my Mum and daughter-to-daughter, I know it's hard on you too. I hope you make some lovely memories on holiday! It's so easy to think that you don't need the painkillers etc. when you're feeling alright but taking them regularly at the prescribed times means that there will be a constant supply of the drug in the body and that will make her feel so much better I know it's tough though - Mum's can be stubborn hehe!

[Venessabr in reply to Biscuitqueen]

Absolutely! I am hoping that she will stabilize herself on the pain meds so we can all head out for some fun.

[Tesla_7US]

Hi Venessabr, I think your heart is in the right place. I also think you should involve your mother in the planning. Having experienced chronic pain I personally would NOT TRAVEL. During my periods of misery I was truly happiest when my family was with me. Just having my son or husband sit next to me and hold my hand as I lay on the couch was wonderful. So, what is joyful to your mother now may be the simplest of activities. Hugs to you. Tesla