This morning when I combed my hair, it was falling like a thick mat on my shoulders. I carried on through the day, picking it off my face and my laptop and my lunch plate, then phoned my son to come and take it all off.

Today, I don't feel like "being positive" and if someone says it to me I might scream. I look like a boiled egg and although we all know that having cancer is not fair and that saying or thinking it makes no difference to anything, it doesn't stop me wanting to stamp my feet, lie on the floor howling and screaming "it's not fair"

Sorry about that, but trying not to upset my family too much, as the whole thing is quite traumatic for them too. Consequently ladies, I have let rip on this site. As I said.....sorry.


37 Replies

  • Jenny I think most of us on here have had these melt downs and yes it's not bloody fair

    I looked like gollum off hobbit film

    I think it's good to have a good rant as keeping it in just eats away at you I remember driving up to a secluded country lane getting out the car and screaming at top of my voice I probably looked totally bonkers but felt so much better for it

    You don't need apologise that's what we are here for xx

  • 'I looked like gollum off hobbit film'

    I almost wet myself when I read that. xxx

  • but so true. Iooked in the mirror and she is right!

  • I did and when I called the grandchildren my precious they all ran for the door lol

  • Hey! I know it truly stinks doesn't it!!!

    You shouldn't stifle the way you feel scream, cry, curse it to hell and back, get it off your chest, you will feel better and you can wake up tomorrow to a new day with new energy! If you are like me this will happen a few times and I gave in each time cos to be honest it takes up too much energy to bottle it up!!!

    Take care of yourself and I truly do hope you do feel better tomorrow!!!

    I am 3.5 months out and haven't worn my wig or any scarves for a few weeks now so hair does start coming back fairly quickly if that helps!!!!

    Onwards and Upwards!!!


  • I'm with you!!!! It's not fair!!!! Have a good rant and you have nothing to be sorry for, we've all had them and we will be right with you when you want to have another one. Big hugs

    Karen xx

  • There is a world of difference between the falling out baldness and the growing back baldness, as I carefully explained to someone yesterday. I couldn't look at myself when it was falling out. Rant away!

  • Thanks ladies

    it's so good to be able to let rip to people who actually understand how you are feeling. Next challenge will be tomorrow when I have to summon up the courage to go to my U3A group. Nobody there knows about my cancer. It will be obvious now.

  • You got through today and you will get through tomorrow. Somethings we cant keep private. You could get smart and say you shaved your head because you wanted to. You owe no one explanations

  • Awww Jenny, I feel for you! I really do. Its one of the worst things when you lose your hair . You say you look like a boiled egg but look again in the mirror, thats the face of a beautiful lady going through chemo who is having a tough time but will get through this. Its not for ever. As soon as chemo is over it will start to grow back surprisingly quickly. Sending you a big hug. Kathy xx

  • Oh Jenny! Like the other ladies have said, you aren't alone in feeling this way - there's something very personal about our hair and to be stripped of it leaves us feeling vulnerable for a while. My husband shaved my hair off and I cried and cried. I still don't like anyone to see my bald head, other than my husband and kids, but I've made peace with it, and it won't be forever.

    Rant away! We know how rubbish it is.

  • HI Jenny just let it all out. Stamp your feet, throw a cup, I did and I also threw my wig a few times. Dont know why we are unfortunate enough to get this illness and then see others getting away with murder. My cousin who had hubby problems drove to the sea and screamed to the waves with no one around. She couldnt do that at home in front of her boys. So dont feel bad, you can and will have bad days/

  • Totally understand your rant! I still struggle with all the 'keep positive' stuff..the most I managed was to try to accept what was happening. Tell you what was the loss of my hair that finally convinced me that I was not ok and needed the support of others..this group and my family . It was humbling and in the end it was a good thing. Much love to you are having a hard time. Xx Lyndall

  • Hi Jenny you rant all you want. I got all emotional reading this as yes I know exactly how you feel, I hate not having any hair just feel very unfeminine plus it's a constant reminder. I feel guilty having this nasty disease and find myself comforting others.. why? I have no bloody idea if I'm honest. I'm angry with having cancer and detest it with a passion.. why me? I don't have the answer, none of us do just got unlucky. You rant and have your melt downs it's better out than in and I wish you all the best. Keep posting and big hugs to you. Love Michelle xxx

  • I know, it's the last bloody straw, isn't it? I'm waiting for mine to go, although I've made it to day 18 without losing more than the odd few. But, having had breast cancer 7 years ago, I remember how crappy it felt. I think I've managed to hang on to mine so far this time, because I am having weekly taxol in smaller amounts. But i know it's going to go, and I am dreading it.

    Don't blame you for having a rant, I know I will be doing the same very soon. You're so right, it totally isn't fair!

    Take care,

    Penny x

  • I found that it's not just the hair loss that makes you want to shout scream swear like a trooper. That's the catalyst for these feelings and it's the whole bloody shebang! But then I told myself it's quite normal to feel like this, if you didn't I'd be worried. Yes you don't want to worry family but you've got to let the feelings out somewhere and then you know what, we pick ourselves back up and get on with it cos that's what we do.

    Dawn xx

  • Hi

    What is it about us women we are never happy with our hair and then when it's gone we realise how lovely it was. This illness messes with our mind and body and we need to scream, rant and yell to try and keep on an even keel as much as for ourselves and others and this site is the place for help and reassurance. Just think no waxing, shaving or plucking for a while and a good wig will help you feel better. Watch out for the nose drips!!

    Good luck your hair will be back.



  • Haha, you're so right! Always hated my thin fine hair, and now I'm lamenting it falling out......never satisfied thats my problem, lol

  • I hope you are feeling better today. It will always be up and down, I've learned. When it's bad I remind myself I wouldn't be here today if I hadn't gone through the chemo and hair loss process. And look at my new hair! Onwards ... and bon courage!

  • That's why this site is so good, everyone knows how you feel! The whole hair thing is pretty bad,but mine has grown back better than ever.

    I had lost so much weight I looked like a lollypop and didn't look in the mirror often,but I always put a bit of fake tan on and did my make is a performance and what got me more is everyone telling me how well I looked when I felt like crap.

    Now everyone tells me I'm ok because I'm over it, if only they knew!.sometimes I'd like them to walk a day in my shoes.

    So there is is ladies, my rant for the day,have a good one xxx

  • You let rip mate! You are right it isn't fair. Have a rant on us 😀

  • Oh jenny.. Soon I will be a hard boiled egg too. I know exactly what you mean as it does have effects on the family. In many ways I feel that it's worse for them because they have to look at cancer every day. Scream into a pillow, I do that a lot. Get it out of your system.. ((((Jenny))))

  • Hi Jenny

    I cried like a baby when my head was shaved......I found it one of the most traumatic things about OC! You're right - there is nothing fair about this will begin to feel better and in the meantime, don't apologise on this site for feeling lousy - we have all been in that situation!

    Take care

    Juliet x

  • Thanks for all the support ladies. I have got up this morning, put on my makeup and tied a bright pink scarf around my head and put on dangle earrings. I reckon I don't look half bad!

    The thing is, as my daughter said last night, now you look I'll. Before no one would know that you had cancer, but this reminds us all the time!! I didn't say anything but thought, well, it occupies my thoughts constantly.

  • Well done. Keep looking good and you'll think about it less. On the subject of rants though, my pet hate is the people who moan about their severe colds ... and I have even less sympathy for man flu these days :)

  • I have very little patience with habitual sick people. The Ocado lad delivering our groceries the other day complained of having a cold. A cold! Told him to stay well away from me and gelled my hands right in front of him. Young people are so nesh these days.

    Debs xx

  • My neighbour popped in with a sprained ankle and spent the time telling me how frustrated she is that she can't do things and how tired she is and has had a nap every afternoon. Words fail.............and I didn't deliver the slap. Lol x

  • Gleedy, Yes, I find myself angered by stupid healthy people who complain about inconsequential bull shit. I'm fighting to stay alive every single day and they have a pesky wart or hangnail they're whinging about!!!! I've decided that the beauty of youth is the prize for being so clueless. Tesla

  • I must admit many things seem so facile to me these days. On Facebook for example there is an ad that continually pops up for hair extensions. The young lady in the ad has a perfectly good head of hair but then demonstrates how she can make it thicker and fuller by adding a weft of fakery to her own mane.

    I want to punch her.

  • Don't worry Hun,my daughter said loads of things like that to me and still does and Im 16 months in remission.

    They don't like to think we are ill or look ill,but, we all do our best and no one knows but the ladies on this site how hard it can be at times.

    You just have to get selfish (difficult) and get yourself through by being true to you and yes it occupies all our thoughts in whatever position you are in.

    I am going through an angry phase, I know I am putting people through it at the moment but I too am sick of people's petty little grumbles, I find life a daily struggle,yes I am happy to be here but give me a break!

    Sorry, another rant, Im going to go quiet for a few days!!

    Carole xxx

  • Cancer sucks!

    Cancer is not fair!

    Stamp those feet and let rip Jenny - you know everyone hear understands.

    Thinking of you x

  • When mine started to fall out i cried and only having short hair anyway it still made me angry and upset i rang my sister and her and my neice came to shave it grade 1... we were all crying when the clippers started to cut... but in end it was better than having it drop out and then my neice who had beautiful long hair did the brave for shave for macmillan as she wanted to do it for me and go through some my heartache.... it grows back so quick at end treatment sending u hugs xxx

  • I had short hair before chemo. The grey was the last to go. A friend came to shave it off and talked me into a mohawk - most of the grey was on top of my head. She then went and got hair chalk which just colours your hair until you next wash it. I got loads of comments on my striped mohawk which gave me a bit of space to get used to change before I shaved the rest of it off. I just wore lovely soft hats for the winter. Avoided looking in the mirror forever unless I really wanted to cry. I lost my hair twice because I had chemo surgery chemo. It is bloody unfair.

  • Jenny you have nothing to be sorry for, I too show my emotions on this site as I don't want my family to see how upset or worried I get.

    All my family say how well I am coping and how strong I am, and I think to myself if you all really knew how I feel sometimes.

    When my hair started coming out everywhere I found it very upsetting at the time, but I am coming to terms with it.

    I had my surgery two weeks ago and can see a little growth on my head, but also know I go back on chemo next week and will loose what I have by week three. I tell myself I am more prepared for this, so you are always welcome to have a right blow out on this site, and I am sure a lot of the ladies using this site have all had their moments.

    Hugs Ellsey xx

  • You are right. It's unfair. And I agree. So many indignities one has to suffer brought to bear by chemo. I'm so sorry. And I get it. List hair twice. Makes a woman feel awful. It will come back. Make sure you put on eye makeup. Though it's hard without lashes. I lost those.

    Just think about all the cancer cells you are decimating!

    Best wishes from fellow traveler. Jane

  • Hi Jenny,

    Rant away. Better out than in, I say.

    I totally understand where you are. My hair was one of my assets and I've spent a lot of money over the years making the most of it. When I was diagnosed it was shoulder length, thick and glossy with highlights. The Oncologist noticed I was handling it (nervously twisting it around my fingers) and asked had I considered the side effects.

    Of course I had! I was in a dreadful state about it.

    My hairdresser was marvellous and suggested first, a pixie cut to get used to the shortness. I loved it! Then two weeks after my first treatment, it started to shed. I resembled a sad yeti! :(. Back to my hairdresser for a number two all over. It didn't seem so bad and helped me cope with the further loss. But after a while it really didn't seem that important. During the day I wear a cotton beanie hat and make sure I cleanse, tone and moisturise my face and apply a bit of make up. YouTube have some brilliant tutorials. If you haven't already done so, book yourself on a 'Look Good Feel Better' course. They're really helpful and you come away with a goody bag of quality products. There are also some good sites where you can purchase specifically designed headwear and scarves made from bamboo or soft cotton.

    I got myself a decent wig with the NHS voucher then found a fabulous website called 'Simply Wigs'. They sell good branded wigs far cheaper than the high street and you get the VAT knocked off too. (Be careful using other sites though as they sell cheap imitations of well known brands) I have purchased three really good ones from this company and will probably use them again.

    As time goes on, you'll get over this little hurdle and focus on getting well. I can promise you that. But in the meantime, try to be kind to yourself. You are a warrior going into battle and must hang onto your inner strength.

    You're in good company here.

    Debs xx

  • thanks for the adviceDebs. I am booked on the Feelings Good Course buy not til October and I am managing with a soft scarf at present (it is so hot today) but will take a look ay wigs and turbans.

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