my 14 yr old son , has really bad anger issues , punching doors and walls shouting at me calling me names he wants to do what he want all the time . I’ve really hard to ingage help for him but he refuses and get moody , he pulling my life apart .
I’m recovering from cancer so it’s been difficult for him I just want to help him 😢
Any help please
Hi,
It sounds exhausting. I have 3 boys, the oldest is 11 but emotions and hormones are constantly expressing themselves through anger and each other and at me and my husband from small things (get out of my room) to bigger things (I have multiple sclerosis and can become unwell). The best thing I did was to take them to taekwondo/ karate which has taught them discipline and control. It’s given them an outlet for their emotions in a safe place, and a healthy way to express themselves. We also have a punching bag up at home.
It’s important to figure out where the anger is coming from - the assumption is because he had to be strong while you battled cancer, but are there any other reasons for example bullying at school, relationships or his sexuality, has someone taken advantage or abused him? Or is he feeling that life just isn’t fair?
By saying “you are showing me you are angry, thank you for telling me how you feel. I acknowledge your emotion. I want to understand why you feel the way you do. If you feel you can share with me I am strong enough/well enough to hear it” he might explain - if able, at that moment, or later when ready, to what’s going on in his head.
The important thing is to put a dampener down on your response. Take a breath and breathe out as you take stock of whatever has been said. From your point of view it may be something minor or may be incredibly serious and could require school or even police input, or somewhere in between.
The anger could be a preemptive strike- predicting how you are going to respond.
Always say “thank you for trusting me and sharing it with me”. Asking “would you like a hug?”- giving them permission to be be tactile and enabling them to regress to a feeling of a child may be helpful - they might not have been able to do that whilst you’ve been I’ll.
Reflect non- judgmental questions back and ask “how would they like the situation to be managed?” or “what do they think would help them deal with the situation?”
Remember don’t dismiss whatever is going on. As much as we want to say “get over it, that’s just life or it’s not a big deal” - to him in his mind it’s massive.
It could be something his friends were going to do and he felt he could because you were ill. He may have discussed it with you and you had to say no, or else he felt he couldn’t discuss it with you at the time - which could have led to resentment.
Whatever it is may make you feel guilty and your own anger. Remember put that aside and focus on his feelings first.
You are strong and had to survive through everything but so did he, right along side you. Even if you tried to keep everything hidden from processing of the diagnosis, visits to hospital, the side effects, the tears - he was probably well aware what was going on and may have felt he had to be strong, or an adult and probably disempowered. Or that he couldn’t share day to day annoyances in a normal productive way so it’s built up.
Push aside your own guilt , his response was his own survival tactic - how he felt he had to survive through it all. Now is the time for him to regress a little and for you to make up for anything he feels he’s missed out on.
He may want an apology not because you were ill- you couldn’t of helped that and he’ll realistically knows everything had to happen the way it had to, but as a personal I’m sorry felt sad, or hurt, or alone or have missed out.
Explain that they went through a lot side by side with you, now it’s time for you to go side by side with them.
I always say to my boys usually when one of them is screaming their heads off in tears about how they want to hide on their own that that’s fine but I’m going to hide with them. We don’t have to talk but we hide under the duvet or wherever they are hiding until the tears subside and usually they then climb on to my lap even the 11 year old will snuggle closer for a brief cuddle.
You are amazing and strong. You’ve got this!
El
Hi, this sounds like such a hard situation to deal with. How have you been? Have things calmed at all, or did you find anything that helped? Aggressive behaviour can feel difficult to manage. I had to deal with it in my son when he was younger. For us the main rule initially was about keeping everyone safe including him and us. We then worked out ways to channel the behaviour and help communication. We tried so many different activities until we found something that helped. We also got good support but it was a difficult time. There is support out there but it can feel like you are on your own with it, but you are not. I know on the JustoneNorfolk website they have some resources. Here is the link to the website. There may be something that can help you: justonenorfolk.nhs.uk/emoti... . You can also get support by ringing Just one number on 0300 300 0123, if you feel you need more support. I’ve also found good support from young minds can be a really helpful website for mental health support, this might also be able to offer you some help.
Take care and keep us posted on how things are 😊
