Tired of this suffering

[Bela57]

"I hate you when you're like this. You make everybody suffer" - This are my partner's words to me yesterday morning when we were getting ready for work.

Background story... I've been so tired from work the night before and I can say that I woke up feeling irritable. I went to the kitchen and saw my partner getting breakfast ready as normal. I usually clean up every night because I can't stand a messy kitchen. Actually, I can't stand any mess. Period. The aftermath of the kitchen after he's been there annoyed me so much and instantly I was in a mood with him. I didn't say much at breakfast and I knew that he knew that I was not happy with him. I was really angry about the crumbs on the counter, on the floor, the grease on the hub, everything! And I couldn't control how I felt and this is not the first time this happened. Sadly, it's the same scenario for most days. This is how we live everyday and I'm tired of it. I'm fed up of being like this. It doesn't get any better, only worse.

I'm not diagnosed with OCD but I have symptoms of obsession and compulsion. I've always been neat and tidy. I like order and I thought that's a good thing. I've always been methodical and practical too. It was only a year ago when I moved in with my partner that my condition (whatever this is) became worse. I couldn't cope with how he does things differently. He says that I have very high standard of neatness/cleanliness. It makes me so upset when we had an argument in the car because I was telling him off for having a messy car. He told me that it was his car and he's the one using it and he thinks that it's perfectly fine how it is. He doesn't say it in a rude way it's just him trying to make him realise that we're all different and what bothers me doesn't bother him and that's okay. But I couldn't let it go - not just the car mess but the fact that it doesn't affect him as much as things affect me.

I can't blame him for being how he is. I can't be mad when he does things differently. At one point he cried to me because he said he's tired of pleasing me and knowing that it's not good enough. He will do things to help me but all I do is criticise him. He even said to me that he thinks I'm not happy being with him. It is heartbreaking. I feel that our relationship is falling apart. I'm scared to lose him. This is not his fault AT ALL.

At first I thought it's too bad because he just doesn't realise how messy he is but actually I envy him because unlike me he is free and he doesn't worry. Unlike me, he's not trapped in his own mind. Unlike me, he's not a slave of his own compulsions.