Obsessing about OCD??

[Sugarplum1811]

I haven’t been professionally diagnosed with OCD but these past few days I’ve been driving myself crazy about OCD, to the point where I’m literally questioning everything I do and ask “what if I do this because I have OCD?”

I’ve suffered with severe anxiety for a year now, I first developed health anxiety where I thought I had cancer and couldn’t shake the thought. Right now that has seemed to settle and I am able to convince myself that I’m being irrational and start being logical.

The other day I started doubting whether I really knew myself and then asked myself “what if I’m not fully straight” this is because I tend to watch lesbian porn sometimes. But apparently this is perfectly normal. I have never questioned my sexuality before and once I realised I was questioning I became so scared and my anxiety became high. I have no problem with being bi/lesbian at all. And I know that I am straight but at that moment I felt like I couldn’t convince myself. I started googling and came across HOCD. I got even more scared thinking I have it. I then proceeded to google about OCD in general and then scared myself even more. I then started to catastrophise and think if I do have OCD then I’d have to drop out of med school, I’d lose my relationship and friendships.

Now I can’t stop obsessing about OCD and it’s always at the back of my mind. I keep getting intrusive thoughts now after reading the types of intrusive thoughts that people get (sexual, relationship, violent).

I’ve read a lot of articles on how to manage these intrusive thoughts and I’m so confused, some people say you just got to think of them as thoughts and convince yourself that they mean nothing. And others say you have to fight the thoughts and prove them wrong?? I’m so confused.

I also think “what if I have OCD and I’ve been doing all these compulsive behaviours all along?” Because I read that compulsive behaviours arise to lower your anxiety even if it’s temporary. Now I’m thinking “what if doing mindfulness every night is just a compulsion to lower my anxiety?” “What if me doing exercise is just a compulsion to try and reduce my anxiety?” “What if seeing my boyfriend whenever I’m feeling anxious is a compulsion?” “What if starting a daily routine will turn into a compulsion?” These thoughts scare me thinking it could be true. What do I do?? I’m terrified and can’t seem to let these thoughts go.

I just don’t know what to do and I’ve never been this bad before. What can I do to control these thoughts? Please if anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it as I’m just really struggling at the moment. Thanks