I'm new to this forum, and reading some of the posts on here and other people's experiences of OCD has been helpful to me over the last few weeks. So much so that I have summoned the courage to write something myself.
I'm 26 years old and I believe I have been suffering with OCD for about 15 years now, although in truth, I can't ever remember not having it. I've never been diagnosed with it and to this day, I've only ever spoken about this on one occasion. This was about 7 years ago when I finally decided to see my GP, as the anxiety I had as a result of starting a new job at the time caused my compulsions to significantly increase and was really slowing me down at work (not great when you're trying to make a good first impression). However nothing ever came from seeing my GP, and I left the appointment feeling deeply embarrassed and too ashamed to follow it up. In all honesty, this experience has prevented me from talking to anyone about it since.
I feel as though I have gotten worse over the years and I am now constantly feeling drained and exhausted from all the compulsions, rituals and these intense and often disturbing images that seem to play continuously in my mind. I have to repeat pretty much everything that I do, such as picking up objects or walking up/down stairs until I somehow manage to do it on a 'good thought'. Even typing this took an age due to constantly deleting and then having to retype each word. I realise this sounds completely ridiculous, but in my mind this is what I have to do to prevent bad things from happening to me and people that I care about.
Some days used to be more manageable but it has got to the point where every day and everything I do is a real struggle. It has pretty much took control of my life now and apart from going to work, where it is a battle to get through the day, I hardly leave the house. It only ever stops when I manage to fall asleep at night, and this is only after countless times of getting in and out of bed!
I know that I cannot go on living like this and I want to find help but because of my embarrassment at how my visit to the doctor's went before, I will not go back. Was just wondering if there was any other way of getting help? Thank you for listening and for taking the time to read this.