New here :) In need of reassurance, haven't co... - OCD Support

OCD Support

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New here :) In need of reassurance, haven't come across someone with a similar issue, feel alone about it

HallowsEve7 profile image

Hi :) For most of my life I have struggled with debilitating mental health issues, I suffer from BPD (Borderline personality disorder), Anxiety, Paranoia and OCD. About a year ago my fear of abandonment had gotten much worse, Fear of abandonment plays a large roll in my current issue. If you've dealt with fear of abandonment you'd understand the outrageous situations your brain comes up with. So, for about almost a year I have had intense 'cheating' OCD i'd like to make it clear that cheating is something I am extremely against and I would never ever ever cheat on my partner or do any wrong to him but because I have OCD it's a very clear subject for my brain to fester on, because obviously in most cases if you cheat, or your partner cheats they would no longer want to be with you , this is where my fear of abandonment fits in, My partner now is someone who I have only ever genuinely felt true love for and I couldn't be happier with him and when you're mentally ill the one thing it loves to do is ruin that, so for about a year ago I woke up from one of my paranoia dreams, all i woke up remembering from the dream is a message from some guy, i woke up into a full blown panic attack and checked every single thing on my phone to prove the dream wasn't true, and as you'd guess i found absolutely nothing, so ever since this, literal hell began, and i became extremely paranoid that i message people in my sleep, I believe I actually become someone else in my sleep and that they have complete control of my body. i have very intense routines every night to make sure i do NOT go on my phone, i make sure i have notifications on the lock screen as proof i didnt go on it, my routine takes up to 20 minutes, every single night, it's so tiring, that's not the only bad thing, this issue comes with guilt, guilt that feels so real that most days i cannot reason with myself and tell myself its just an evil mental illness, i truly believe i do stuff on my phone in my sleep. i'm constantly on edge, constantly in a state of panic, and this along with all my other issues is making me go insane, I don't bother with friends due to paranoia, i don't answer calls from them, i dont speak to anyone because my head makes me feel bad for it, i apologize for how long this is, i'm just a very lost soul and need help and reassurance. This issue along with everything else has landed me up in hospital for my second suicide attempt, every single day I am alone, I see my partner every weekend and I look forward and cherish those weekends so much, but as soon as im alone, I get this feeling of not knowing what to do with myself which leads to very awful thoughts, suicide is no more for me, I have learnt to control attempting suicide and that has been replaced with routines, not a healthy alternative but it's brilliant compared to suicide. The rituals don't calm me, they are just for me to keep an eye on whats going on, my ritual at night aids as proof that I did not go on my phone during the time I slept, even though I do this there is nothing about it that calms me, also because of how long it takes most nights i'll have auditory hallucinations, which include phone ringing and message notifications, this disturbs my sleep, therefore making me more anxious. Recently this has been feeling so much more real and much worse, my rituals never used to be so extreme, so it scares me how in such a short space of time things have deteriorated drastically. I used to be able to to reason with my self and tell myself that its all in my mind but it's now become my reality, it makes me feel extreme guilt, nothing helps. I'll have dreams where i'm laying in my bed and i'll have my phone in my hand, I've heard of something called dream reality confusion, but I feel like even knowing that still doesn't help. The issue with my friends is when I am out my head likes to make up memories, what will happen is i'll know everything that went on in my day, but as soon as i'm home I get tormented by all these awful thoughts, so it scares me to socialize. I also block every single male that i see on my Instagram, people who are in my suggested i'll block, i'd say there is about 400 people on that block list which I have to check everyday, I feel so embarrassed saying this but it's what I have to do. Please help :(

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4 Replies

It sounds like you need more professional help and support. Does medication help at all? Is a therapist helping you?

It's certainly true that OCD attacks you where something really matters to you, in your case your relationship with your partner. This is quite common, being afraid that you might cheat or even have cheated without knowing it, or that they might leave you, even if you know that your relationship is good and secure.

I'm no expert on dream-reality confusion or hallucinations, but for anyone dreams can be very intense and you have to pinch yourself to make yourself realize it was just a dream.

I'm concerned about your refusing to socialize with your friends, as isolation can feed a feeling of unreality, as you lose touch with what grounds you in reality. If mixing with a group of people is too much for you, are there any close friends you could meet up with individually? It could help to avoid too much social media, as it can be overwhelming being bombarded with so many different people you don't really know. Maybe give up the Instagram account!

Rituals are exhausting, as I know from my own experience, but it might help if you got yourself some self-help books. Go for ones which give sound practical help. The Overcoming range is excellent and uses cognitive behaviour therapy techniques. I have the Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder one, which explains how to free yourself from rituals, but there are others in the same series that might help you.

Do make sure you have good professional back up. I'm sure that you know that you don't really become someone else in your sleep and message people!

Hey, thanks for the response, I have been in and out of therapy for about 4 years, the reasons being that the services I was with were awful, I am now with a new therapist and have only seen her 4 times so far, I have recently been diagnosed with OCD and possible psychosis and am soon to be put on sertraline so am really hoping they ease my mind. I feel like i'm not actually a person if that makes any sense at all, I feel like a test subject, I don't feel as though i'm in reality, it's so scary, I see signs every where that have no significant meaning to anyone but to me it all adds up perfectly, for example, every night I have to have a notification on my lock screen to serve as proof along with my rituals, my sister is usually the one to leave the notification but this night I didn't have one, so what i decided to do was put my phone on charge and during the time i sleep the 'battery charged' notification should appear, my battery was almost charged which meant the notification would probably appear whilst I was still awake in bed, my ritual then only consisted of placing my phone under the bed and tucking items of clothing between the gap so that it was more secure, so this is what i did that night, in the morning I un tucked all of the clothing and got my phone as fast as I could and the notification wasn't there, my bed was also slightly moved from the wall as if i'd pulled my bed to get my phone so that my awake state wouldn't suspect anything, this what about 4-5 months ago and still to now I have major panic attacks about it, that isn't the only time with this, it's everyday wondering if i've messaged someone, i'm in a constant state of anxiety and it's exhausting, with the friends I just can't be around them, even worse if it was individually, I can't remember the last time I properly left my house, I know this might sound stupid and crazy but it's so real, this just feels like normal life to me, I just need someone in reality to show me it's not real and that it's just an evil mental illness. I do have a DBT book, but i'll have a look at the ones you have recommended thank you so much

Mental illness becomes so much so it feels like a part of you, that it actually feels 'normal' however odd it appears to others, and even to oneself. And it really can be exhausting.

Sertraline is a good medication for OCD. I've been on it for quite a few years. I have it boosted with an anti-psychotic called aripiprazole, which though I'm not actually psychotic, is used to boost the effect of the sertraline. Perhaps it would be worth asking about this.

I have just gone to the Overcoming series website and there are a couple of books besides the Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder one that could be of help to you. One is Overcoming Depersonalisation and Feelings of Unreality and another is Overcoming Paranoid Thoughts. Details can be found at littlebrown.co.uk/books/det... and there are others in the series that might also help.

I just want to say that I am sorry you're going through this. My OCD is always shifting and at the moment I am having a very similar set of obsessive thoughts.

In the past I have had a lot of CBT counselling, which I found really helpful for the stuff I was going through then. I would recommend seeing your doctor about some counselling. It doesn't cure your OCD, but it definitely helps you to manage it. I hope you're OK.

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