I need help.

[cs0717]

I am currently 20 years old. When the whole “2012 world ending” thing happened years ago I became extremely obsessed, terrified, and disconnected from reality. It was all I could think about. I never told my mom, I never talked to a doctor. And it was crippling. But I got out of it on my own and I lived a normal life for years after words with only small irrational fears that would pop up and then go, nothing that affected my daily life anymore. This past June/ July I started getting really crazy tension headaches that I had never had before. I was terrified that something was wrong with my brain (like a tumor or something) I even almost passed out while driving and had to pull over and fight to keep myself awake. So I went to my doctor and he told me I was having anxiety and prescribed me Prozac. The day I started taking it my whole life was ruined. I felt extremely disconnected, dizzy, and numb. And each time I would start to fall asleep I would jolt awake and it would repeat for hours until I finally knocked out. And my doctor would never call me back to talk about my side effects. Towards the end of the month that I took it I started having really scary intrusive thoughts about harming my family. And I had a dream that I was harming myself and I decided I can’t do this anymore and stopped taking it. I thought it was making me crazy. I had hoped that the harm thoughts would go away once the medicine was out my system and it’s been months and I feel like they’ve only gotten worse. I’ve convince myself that I am psychotic, that I must hate my family and boyfriend. It makes me sick the thoughts and feelings that I have for them. I know that they are wonderful people and that I should love them but I can’t feel it anymore. I feel like poison to their lives. I feel like I’m not me anymore and I never will be. Like I’ll never feel safe again or be able to feel the love and compassion and kindness that used to be my whole life force. Most days I really just want to die. I feel like my life is over. Like I have no part in my relationships. And no matter what I do I’m only going to hurt them. No matter how much I cry and panic when I think about hurting them and how much I miss them when they’re away and worry for their safety I can’t convince myself that I love them anymore or that I want to be a part of this family. I’m convinced some sick part of me hates them and thinks they deserve to die. I don’t want to be like this. I just want to feel normal and in love again. My mom and my boyfriend have always been so wonderful to me and have been my best friends but now I look at them and feel nothing but pain and dread. I can’t eat, I can’t get out of bed. I don’t want to suffer like this anymore. I’m going to therapy once a week but it’s not enough. I have admitted myself before a few months ago and they did nothing for me. I don’t know what to do. I hate myself and I hate the world because of this and I have always been on the good/ loving side of things. I’ve always wanted to make people feel good and worthy and loved and I’m just disgusted with myself and everything around me now. I have good days sometimes, where I feel sure it’s all in my head and I will be okay and that I would never harm anyone and that I love them. But most days I just feel like I’m ruined and so is my whole life. Why is this happening to me? Is this really what ocd is like? I keep reading about it and everything adds up except I haven’t seen anyone who has actually convinced themselves they must hate someone. Everything I say and do that’s kind and even this as I’m typing feels like lies. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. Please someone give me some insight or comfort. I fear I’m a totally and completely different person and that I’m evil now and should be banished. I want to run away and never look anyone in the face again. Help.