Feeling down today

Hi everyone its moaning minnie here. I am feeling so low today. I think its been building for so long. Its nearly two years since my Mum died and I still feel her loss so strongly. Most of the time I can keep it neatly locked up but not today. Its just been one thing after another lately. Firstly money gosh what a tiring and boring subject. Applied for DLA and got rejected this time I have appealed. I dont think they even read my form as everything I had said seemed to have been disregarded. Plus I am on Job Seekers allowance as I am seeking work but lets face facts who wants a 58 year old woman with RA, no one it seems. I am having trouble convincing them that I dont have thousands stacked away and they are now doing a review, thank god. Can anyone tell me how I am supposed to live on £38 per week? All tips greatly appreciated. End of moan thanks everyone.

24 Replies

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  • Don't worry about moaning, we all do it from time to time. I know what you mean when all these problems big and small just seem to keep piling up until the dam bursts and you get to, what I call, find me a darkened room I can lock myself in. I lost my parents 12 years ago now. It doesnt matter how old you are (I was 48!) suddenly your an orphan! I still sometimes see a tv programme or something in town and I think 'Oh must tell Dad about that' then I get the jolt of realisation I can't anymore. It does get easier (hope that doesnt sound a cliche) but the sense of loss is still there. So I know it may not help much but at least on this site your are never alone and we can all empathise with some of the things you are going through. Look after yourself, and above all keep battling.

  • Oh thanks so much for replying. Its so good to know that someone who doesnt know me personally can take time to reply.Sometimes as you say even though we are grownups we still wish we had our own parents to lean on.

  • so sorry to hear you are feeling this way xx

  • £38 pounds criminal

  • Thank you summer.

  • It takes a huge amount of time and energy to cope with loss, especially as you were living and looking after your mother. And you've a lot to deal with yourself too, what with moving house and so on. But sometimes like Dtech I think you need put the stiff upper lip in a cupboard for a bit, and allow yourself a bit of low time. And as far as money goes (which isn't that far any more) all I can say is Soup! Look after yourself, Polly

  • Hi Sharon, sorry to hear your having a bad day. I can't advise on the money front but can empathise about your mum. My mum passed away over 30 yrs ago and it still hits me at times...when my children were born.....first grandchild. Like Dtech says it does get better...or you just learn to cope....but your entitled to miss her, she was your mum. You feel free to moan away my lovely. Sending many gentle hugs. Love Janet xxx

  • Hi Sharon, sorry you are having a bad day. Wish I had some peals of wisdom to spout on the money front. It must be difficult for you let alone deal RA. My mum died 27 years ago & I still miss her so do understand how you are feeling. Take care of yourself, Love Alison xx

  • hi sharon

    hang on in there (if u can) n u can cos thats wot we do

    i lost my dad 4yrs ago n it still feels like yesterday, he took his last breath in my arms i never Thought i would ever get over it but as they say time is a healer in a strange kind of way although its not really any easier but u just learn to live with it

    tomorrows another day n u will get through it, lots of peeps on ere to talk to n have a rant wiv n it does help

    sending u lots of hugs

    Ali xxx

  • Morning sharon, i was going there was nothing i can add,but it seems i can. I lost my dad dec 1999,then my mum 2000. I saw my dad after he had died,but not my mum. There were reasons they didn't want me to see her. I suffered a breakdown over her death. It took me two years to get over her death. Since my ra journey i haven't had her at the end of the phone to talk to. You will have dark days and it is still only early since your mum passed over. You will get there and all of a sudden you will think of your mum with happy thoughts. It was your mums time to go and nothing you could have done about it,i know because i foresaw my mums death and it still didn't change when she died. She is with you all the time and sometimes you will think what was that,it was your mum letting you know she is still there.

    Don't worry about moaning as has been said before we all do it at times. Hope you soon have brighter days coming.xxx

  • Hi Sharon,

    Sorry to hear that you are feeling down. I lost my mum 4 days before my 38th birthday and buried her 3 days later. I have just celebrated my 56th birthday, and my sisters and I have reminisced as to where the years have gone. We each have different stories to tell of our mum and the memories we have are a real as yesterday.

    It's natural to feel the loss so vividly and painful though it is, it also brings with it valuable lessons of love. Your mum will always be with you. You carry her in your heart that is why you pain is so real. It will lessen with time but your love will still be strong.

    Can you apply for a crisis loan to tide you over and are you getting all the benefits, you are entitled to? Speak to the benefit adviser at you local job centre, they should be able to advise.

    A slow cooker and cheaper cuts of meat are excellent value and also very tasty.

    Thinking of you.

    Carole

  • Really feeling for you and sending you a huge hug ........no words can express the rollercoaster of feeling experienced with loss. Just stay on the board and ride the wave, you will reach calmer seas again, promise x

    With regards to practical things.... CAB are a good place to start, explaining current circumstances. Also, your rheumy nurse or GP may be able to help with regards to supporting letters regarding yr circumstances but possibly also what agencies can help you.

    I used to cook in bulk, so cheaper gas etc. I'd cook 4 different meals all on one day. Chilli, Lasagna, stroganoff, hot pot etc. Also the reduced section in the supermarkets always has reductions, I've found Tescos crap at this but Asda are good, and worth a rummage :)

    And very importantly, wear lots of layers and natural fibered clothes. I swear by a vest, top and woolen jumper and always socks. "I'm well sexy me lol" xxxx

  • Morning Sharon,it's not nice feeling ,seems we all have story's to tell,my dad passed 33yrs ago ( he was only 44 ) 1week after he gave me away as a bride,very sudden and I was only 20 , I keep a picture beside my bed we have regular chats,crys,laughs,I keep him updated on my treatments as he had RA at 28 , I believe the treatment has progressed since then lol.

    My mum still living she has Osteoarthritis amongst other ailments,so I listen to her winge and moan but you know I don't care if she does I feel she at 76 ,she is intitled to,half the time she forgets about my appointments and treatments so I rarely bother her.

    As for DLA I to got turned down and on job seekers its a struggle but we get there.I do have a second job interview on Tuesday for part time job so fingers crossed ( can't at mo as there to puffy lol ) I keep you posted.

    Soft hugs to you

    Angie x

  • Sharon

    Others have offered good advice so I will just add my best wishes that

    things pick up for you soon. This cold dull weather does nothing to lift

    our spirits, it will not be long and the sun will shine again warming us

    up inside and out then we will feel more like taking on the world.

    Hang on in there girl.

    Ann xx

  • Good morning Sharon,

    When things get really tough it's always our mums that we need isn't it. Mine died at a good old age but I still miss her when the child in me is crying.

    I have also gone through the money worries - it's not easy with everything else that is stable in your life suddenly rocks.

    I'm constantly amazed at us all though, somehow we always manage to pick ourselves up and carry on. I think that the knowledge that there are people out there who understand and can offer support (albeit in cyber space) is a great comfort.

    I am glad to hear that you have appealed against the DLA decision. It seems sometimes that they are on a default reaction of NO to people with long-term chronic illness but many of us have successfully challenged the ruling. It's almost as though they are testing to see who really needs it.

    Keep strong, things will turn around but in the meantime we've all got your back.

    Judy xx

  • Morning Sharon,it's not nice feeling ,seems we all have story's to tell,my dad passed 33yrs ago ( he was only 44 ) 1week after he gave me away as a bride,very sudden and I was only 20 , I keep a picture beside my bed we have regular chats,crys,laughs,I keep him updated on my treatments as he had RA at 28 , I believe the treatment has progressed since then lol.

    My mum still living she has Osteoarthritis amongst other ailments,so I listen to her winge and moan but you know I don't care if she does I feel she at 76 ,she is intitled to,half the time she forgets about my appointments and treatments so I rarely bother her.

    As for DLA I to got turned down and on job seekers its a struggle but we get there.I do have a second job interview on Tuesday for part time job so fingers crossed ( can't at mo as there to puffy lol ) I keep you posted.

    Soft hugs to you

    Angie x

  • Hi Sharon

    Have you spoken to your GP about how you are feeling? Sometimes getting everything of your chest helps. Don't give up with your DLA and don't forget NRAS have a booklet about claiming DLA - you don't know what you don't know! I also think this cold weather is getting everyone down as it seems never ending.

    nras.org.uk/about_rheumatoi...

    I also have lost both parents and miss them dearly.

  • Hi Sharon,

    I'm sorry for your loss. It must be very difficult for you. Losing a loved one is very hard to bare, and with everything else going on in your life I feel it must be a very sad and quite worrying time for you.

    I don't hear you moaning though Sharon. I hear you having a very difficult and frustrating time at the moment and you need an outlet to show your feelings, and this site is very good for that. There is always someone on here who will happily listen. Having RA is incredibly difficult to cope with on a day to day basis and it's very hard to be heard! I hear your frustration at finding a job, and I feel you're right about no-one wanting to employ someone with RA. I have JRA (since the age of 2) and have never found anyone willing to even give me chance. Even after offering to work for nothing for a few weeks to prove myself!

    With the DLA situation I agree with Tamnwill. Try and get everyone you can involved GP, any of the Rheumy team you may have, CAB are great for advice on DLA, and in some areas there are disability support groups who can help you with your application. The DLA people don't need much of an excuse to turn people down especially at the moment with all this benefit change. Keep fighting it I feel you will get there in the end.

    I feel you are very strong and courageous to share your feelings with us. Just remember you are not alone. There is always someone on here with an empathic ear.

    Gentle hugs to you,

    Mel x

  • Bless You, loss of a loved one is something I can never fully come to terms with. Yes on one level you have to but it stays with you and will come up and shake you around every now and then. My good thoughts sent yor way Sharon xx

  • Hi everyone how kind of you to take the trouble to reply to me. I feel a bit better today but feel it may be a few days before this black cloud has gone. My grandson and daughter have just just come to see me so some Nanny cuddles will make me smile.So thank you again my RA family I may try to get to the Sheffield RA meeting in April. Never been before might be interesting. Bless you all for caring.

  • No advice just empathy. We all have those black times to get through. Sometimes it seems they will never end. I hope the sun shines through for you (actually & metaphorically) and that light at the end of the tunnel grows brighter x

  • I empathise greatly with you. I lost my Mum 13 yrs ago and the trauma and grief triggered the RA, so it obviously took its toll on me. I was very very close to her, we were friends and almost like sisters so I lost a lot when she had gone. I dont know if you have considered it, but after a year of not being able to handle the bereavement, my hubby persuaded me to see a bereavement counsellor which I did, after referral by my GP. It was one hour a week for 12 weeks and made such a difference - I was finally able to move on. Family and friends are a boon, especially grandkids, and your situation is compounded by the RA and the job situation. How come you only get £38 a week? Try to stay positive and cheerful as that will help the RA. Keep fighting for the DLA - I got turned down but didnt appeal it and prob. should have.

    Be positive, look to the future, take care of yourself and oh, I dont think employers can reject you because of the RA - I guess it would depend on what the job was - you dont want to be a stunt woman do you? Keep plugging away and honestly, time does heal, this too will pass.

    keep smiling

    Lynn xx

  • Appeal for your DLA, Sharon. Do Try again. I successfully appealed to DWP for being placed into Jobseekers club when I could hardly get out of the house let alone to a job. Was told that most of these DLA and DWP forms/procedures are there to turn you down and the system is for you to appeal against. Presume you kept a copy of the DLA form. I photographed mine on my iPhone as it is so long for photocopying.

    Very Good tips above for saving money. Asda do have Very good "Whoops" reductions sections. Also M&S on a Sunday afternoon at 4pm drastically reduce most things during their last hour open, so then they are really affordable. Lovely ready meals reduced down to £1 to £1.50 for example. Many things like that you can freeze too. I discovered this by chance when looking for a birthday present In the adjacent gift section and saw the people flocking to the reduced sections so we followed them! Markets on Saturday afternoon about 4pm often sell off produce very cheaply. A friend of mine used to buy her weekly fruit and veg for a snip, in Leeds Market this way. Get a huge box full. Just need to park nearby or take a strong friend/partner to carry it!

    Julie xx

  • Appeal for your DLA, Sharon. Do Try again. I successfully appealed to DWP for being placed into Jobseekers club when I could hardly get out of the house let alone to a job. Was told that most of these DLA and DWP forms/procedures are there to turn you down and the system is for you to appeal against. Presume you kept a copy of the DLA form. I photographed mine on my iPhone as it is so long for photocopying.

    Very Good tips above for saving money. Asda do have Very good "Whoops" reductions sections. Also M&S on a Sunday afternoon at 4pm drastically reduce most things during their last hour open, so then they are really affordable. Lovely ready meals reduced down to £1 to £1.50 for example. Many things like that you can freeze too. I discovered this by chance when looking for a birthday present In the adjacent gift section and saw the people flocking to the reduced sections so we followed them! Markets on Saturday afternoon about 4pm often sell off produce very cheaply. A friend of mine used to buy her weekly fruit and veg for a snip, in Leeds Market this way. Get a huge box full. Just need to park nearby or take a strong friend/partner to carry it!

    Julie xx

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