I was wondering if fibromyalgia patients could help me out. I have a friend who has a range of health problems with fibromyalgia being her main health condition. I've always been a good friend to her as I can understand what it's like being in pain as I have several types of arthritis so have always been supportive towards her especially when she talks about her pain levels and other symptoms. The problem is, is that she constantly complains from suffering with alot of pain but when we go out shopping together or wherever she can walk twice as fast as me and she can spring in and out of chairs without any struggle in standing up. I often have to ask her slow down as I can't keep up.
If someone is in that much pain, then how can they be really fast at walking and have no problems in getting in and out of chairs. She's also got issues with her back and other joints. She's shown me her medical letters when I've helped her fill out forms as English is her second language and I've seen her take her medication but I don't know whether she's being honest with me when saying she's in alot of pain or if she's playing on it and in reality she isn't in half the pain she says she is.
I don't like being lied to and taken advantage of. Also her house is always extremely clean and even though she doesn't work, her husband works full time so she is doing majority of the housework. She hoovers everyday as she has pets. Disabled people struggle to do housework as I certainly do but she's good at complaining about her struggles but normally a disabled person's house would be more messy unless a family member is doing the cleaning. Nothing makes sense.
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Celticdancer
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I have fibro/RA/PsA. All flare but a fibro flare means I find it hard to walk fast also I’m exercise intolerant. Fibro means I often have to rest after exercise sometimes got days. Unfortunately there is no test as such for fibro just the word of the person suffering.
As far as I know she does stay indoors some days but she does goe out regularly as she does have hobbies and does volunteering. The days she stays in, she's always doing housework and cooking all day long. She's never told me that she's rested all day or stayed in bed due to fatigue and pain. Maybe she just hides her pain well but I've spoken to other people who think she's lying.
I struggle to walk let alone fast as I use to be a fast walker but I was informed that exercise and fibro can create breathing issues which I do have. It could be she has a mild form and maybe not understood her condition or done self diagnosis. I think the best way forward if you do not want to upset her on a face to face is just not go out with her so much, as it seems it is really bothering you and maybe look to other friends for trips out who are more accommodating in speed of walks.
There has been a lot in the media re fibro and many people are now thinking 'allegedly' that this is what they have when in fact might just be good old getting older pains!!
In the early days of RA a friend commented that I was walking faster. I thought about it then realised he was right, and I was walking faster because walking was painful so I was trying to get it done as fast as possible. As things got stiffer and more swollen I slowed down again!
Tough one. I can walk quickly sometimes because I’m in pain so want it to be over with. Other times I am in so much pain that I can’t move and I am crying. I rest a lot and only go out once or twice a week; asking others to slow down is pretty standard. I have RA, Fibro, OA & Hyper-mobility.
I parted company with an ‘ill’ friend who spent hours talking of her ailments/ diagnosis/ tablets but always managed to go out all the time. She was ‘professionally ill’ and made a good living from it [DWP].
I found it too difficult in the end as she was too fake. People used to say to me “what’s supposed to be wrong with her?”.
Having ‘invisible disabilities’ myself though, I know some people don’t ‘look ill’ even if they are really quite poorly.
You know her best. My favourite Maya Angelou quote; “If someone shows you who they are, believe them”.
I have known people like that & like you, it really gets to me. One woman made a friend of me from a fibro group. She was overwhelming in calling in all the time with presents & gifts for me. That might sound good but it was really too much & then when she came round again she would expect to see the presents on display. I bought her presents for her birthday & Christmas & felt very upset when on several occasions I got them back from her. Anyway to get back to the subject, she was always telling me how ill she was & yet she was rushing about & wanting me to go with her all the time which I couldn’t do. She never seemed to need to rest & one day said that she had been on a 20 mile walk the day before. I couldn’t even manage half a mile then & now I struggle to get around the house. She was always saying how she didn’t have any money & yet she used to pay a fortune teller £50 every 2 weeks to tell her what her future would be. One day I was so tired of hearing it all that I said that if she was worried about having no money then perhaps she could give up the fortune teller. She stopped speaking to me after that & it was all such a relief. I had another ‘friend’ who said she had RA but she was another one doing things all the time. She did voluntary work at a hospital working with the dying & kept telling me I should be doing the same, even though she could see how little I can do. She kind of drifted away & I am glad about that too. I am sorry for the long ramble but I suppose I am saying that if people are getting you down then it is probably time to step back.
Everyone has a different perception of pain. That's why I am annoyed when asked to describe it 'out of 10!' My idea of a 3 could be someone else's 10. However, when I've been out or doing housework,even for a couple of hours, I'm totally wasted the next day. I would have to say your friend is 'milking' it.
It’s hard when we have to miss things and can’t keep up and then someone else is able to do whatever they want despite their constant complaining about how sick they are. I feel envious of people who say they are sick and never have to miss anything. She might have fibromyalgia but she must not have a bad case of it.
This is a very tricky one, Celticdancer. and I guess that none of us knows the pain levels of another person. Perhaps her pain is actually eased by movement in the same way as it can sometimes be as a result of physiotherapy. Have you tried talking to her about your own pain? I know that sometimes we look well and people tell us that they are glad that we are better, even though we are feeling very unwell, but we just have to take that with a small, even if forced smile. It sounds to me as if you are a good and supportive friend and that she is lucky to have you. I'm sorry I can't be of more help, but remember, you do need to take care of YOU, as well as caring about your friend. xx
It might also be worth understanding more about just what 'fibromyalgia' is. It is a clinical diagnosis that has little evidence base behind it. Some clinicians just give it out like sweeties, especially to women, when they don't actually fit the criteria. For instance the person has to also have depression and anxiety. That doesn't sound like your friend. It might be that she was given a diagnosis that she shouldn't have been given and now she is trying to live up to it. Sometimes a diagnosis becomes their identity.
Sorry but I think that’s a bit unfair, it’s a fluctuating illness so maybe you’re just seeing her on her good days. Very harsh to say disabled peoples houses are more messy, I spread my housework out so I can cope with it and my house is definitely not messy. Maybe she has a cleaner she hasn’t told you about. Some people cope better with pain than others, maybe she just needs an ear to listen to her and not judge her. Maybe she doesn’t get that at home. In what way is she taking advantage of you? If you think she’s a liar and feel this strongly then you don’t have to see her. We are all different even with our same diagnosis, maybe you could look into fibromyalgia to gain a bit more understanding.
Everyone responds differently to pain. As for messy houses, this isn't just when someone has a disability. I too walk quite quickly and it's to get things done otherwise I would be at a standstill. Each of us have limits of when and how we cope with invisible disabilities and associated pain, so we need to understand and support and try not to judge others.
Most times (just not right now) people think there is nothing wrong with me. And on a flat level surface I can race along at 4km/hr. But I have RA and it is the drugs that (did) keep me like that as I am lucky enough to respond well to them. So many of the people on this forum would possibly throw insults as I overtook them with my NRAS T-shirt on, saying I was a charlatan.
(Not right now, as would be overtaken by a 90 year old snail…)
Fibro is an odd thing. It does fluctuate so entirely possible to be able to do something one day and not the other.
However the important thing is not whether it is true or not, but that this is upsetting you. Time to dump her! As times goes on I have pruned down my list of friends as no longer have the memtal space for people who pull me down.
Thanks everyone for your responses. It's certainly helped me understand what's going on better. She does have health problems but I definitely think she's milking it certain days to gain more sympathy as I know her really well and know how she behaves. I do sympathise with people who are in pain as I'm certainly no stranger to it but I've bent over backwards to help her out at times and have been more than generous with her. She's a nice person and has been generous with me so I don't want to lose the friendship but taking a step back and having some distance is a better option.I'm researching fibromyalgia more but like some have said it's a difficult condition to diagnose and treat and some patients will milk it so they can get more benefits, more sympathy etc whilst others genuinely suffer greatly.
I have a friend and everything is about her and her problems ( high bp) , she never asks or really listen to how i am . I’ve known her 40 years and i loveher as a friend but i also get annoyed by her at times but forgive her this. Its not a toxic friendship , more like a sister if that makes sense xx
We can't see pain. We don't see people on the days they are struggling, in bed, in extreme pain, struggling to do something. With some illnesses pacing means you may have to limit yourself for a few days before and after major extertion. Then can have a 'burst of energy' but pay for it later.
Perhaps you could phone her and ask how she is? Just because you care. So easy to judge people who have different conditions to ourselves and make assumptions when they try to enjoy a day out. I recently had a surprise party and kept going simply on adrenaline. It hit me two days later.... The level of ill health does vary even within one condition.
I think the most important thing we can all remember - not just in relation to illness or pain, but about everything - is we should NEVER presume we know someone else's story. Everyone's experience in life is different. The burdens they carry and how they carry them cannot be judged against ours. There is no "right way" to have a chronic illness, or to grieve, or to celebrate or have any other experience in life. There is only a person's own way. Maybe your friend does have fibro and/or other things, or maybe she doesn't. But all you can do is offer your empathy and understanding. You can't give her more than you have to give, but you don't need to begrudge her either. She may be suffering every day but her way of surviving is to push through. Or her pain and other symptoms, or her perception of them, just may be different than someone elses. Or perhaps her real illness is just the need to be known as a person with an illness. All we can do in a situation like that is to choose to be a friend, or choose to walk away, but never fall into the trap of being a judgmental friend.
The comments on this thread are split roughly 50:50 on whether people think she's exaggerating or not. I see there are the do gooding type of people who are more likely to be subscribed to gold membership on the hallmark channel and believe everything that people tell them and there are others like myself who are more discerning and don't like having the mickey taken out of them and being lied to. Being judgemental is part of being human as it's how we make decisions every day. It's part of life. If we go through life believing everything we're told you will have every scammer, liar coming at you and using you for their benefit. We have to be intelligent and use judgement to protect ourselves. I know my friend better than anyone here but needed to see how other fibromyalgia patients deal with their disease. I'll quote a brilliant saying "The cow always looks for the weakest part of the fence".
Well I think you do have your answer then. You don't believe her. The experience of other people with fibro on this site aren't the proof of that though. Today I read a post from someone with RA who is deciding it may be time for them to give up working because of their RA. Meanwhile today I went golfing. But the fact that I did that and don't need to quit working like that other poster doesn't mean I don't have RA, or that it doesn't have a signficant impact on my life. It just means my current situation is different from theirs.You asked anonymous online folks to provide their opinion on whether she way lying based on their own experiences (specifically - could ANY person with fibro walk quickly, get up from a chair easily or keep their house clean) .
At risk of being lashed out at, I stand by my fundamental view that we should never assume we know another person's story, and that we ought to use critical thought to navigate the world, not judgment of others. But that's just me and because of that I won't presume to know your story either, nor will I judge your motivation in wanting to catch out your friend.
In the end you know her and we don't, so your opinion of her trustworthiness is more likely to be correct than ours. And if you believe she is fundamentally a dishonest person who is taking advantage of you then it is definitely time to move on from that friendship because there's nothing left there for you.
My health is very poor at the moment, I'm in a lot of pain and have multiple health issues.
But, I look a picture of health. When I'm having a really bad day I can get quite upset when uninformed people tell me how 'well' I look.
My life bears no resemblance to what it was pre RA. I'm a completely different person to what I was pre RA. Yet all people see is the steroid flush, the rosy cheeks and offer superficial comment.
My teeny weeny wee house is clean, tidy and orderly. It gives me comfort that I have maintained this order in my home, it is important to me to live in orderly fashion, I find it relaxing. I did downsize and most of my life is in boxes in my attic as I don't have the living space to have my belongings around me and couldn't cope with a large house anymore. Few people know that I have a cleaner, it isn't their business to know or not know. I don't hide the fact, but neither do I go around informing people that I have a cleaner. My partner, who does not live with me, does wee odd jobs and helps me maintain my home. I pay for a handyman and other services. No one sees this help.
People see me at my best for very limited periods of time and assume that I am like they see me all the time. They know nothing of the effort involved to be with them or the payback I experience after a couple hours drinking coffee or having lunch.
I had a 3 week holiday recently, I lost count of the number of comments about my photos, or comments about the places I visited and how well I looked and busy that I'd been. The assumption that I ran around for 3 weeks so prejudicial.
No one other than my partner knows how many days I spent resting, the unwell days, the pain, the things we didn't get to do, the cancelled trips, nor the fact that my steroids were increased to allow me to have some pleasure from the holiday. But people feel free to raise comment and I'm quite sure think I ran around visiting places all day, every day for 3 weeks. They know nothing of the airport assistance, nor the extra paid to have rental cars delivered near me, nor the help from my son who visited me. Why should they ?
I worked with a young auxillary nurse years ago, great when she was 'well' , fun loving, kind but often complained of feeling unwell, fatigued, weak and constantly ran to loo. Most of the nurses criticised and bad mouthed her, she was labelled as a chancer. My friend and I were staff nurses in the same ward thought something not right with her, gave her a bit of slack, I sent her home early on a few occasions, clearly she wasn't well.
She was diagnosed with MS in her early 20s. After her diagnosis, the nurses who labelled her as a chancer were overcome with compassion. I found it all quite sickening. Many years later my path crossed with the young nurse, she was in a wheelchair and required to be assisted with all aspects of her life. What a humbling experience.
I would hate to think people I know, who see me after a humongous struggle to get out for a couple of hours, comment that I am not as bad health wise as I claim. Few people, my partner being one know how I suffer, not even my children or close friends understand the day to day difficulties. Why should they ?
I'm really sorry about your health problems and struggles. Don't be afraid to confide in your close friends if you're in pain and struggling if you feel the need to talk to someone as I've always found a problem shared is a problem halved and I confide in my friends now and again as I sometimes need to talk about my struggles especially with friends who have health problems as they understand better and they talk to me about their struggles. I've always been there for my friends and would feel sad if they couldn't confide in me but I also have to protect my own physical and mental health and guard against people using me as I've had that happen too many times.With regards to the nurses you worked with, I don't blame them for complaining about the auxiliary nurse who wasn't able to pull her weight on the job as she was running to the toilet constantly as the nurses didn't know she had MS. We're all human and none of us are perfect and it's human nature to be judgemental as it's how we safeguard ourselves from being used and taken advantage of.
I used to work in healthcare and some nurses and carers were nasty others were nice. At least the nurses you worked with had compassion when they found out the auxiliary nurse had MS. I've worked with some nurses who wouldn't have shown any compassion. Nursing, care work etc are such hard jobs that if one member of the team doesn't pull their weight then it makes much harder work for everyone else. I know how tiring and difficult it can get looking after elderly and disabled people in health settings.
Life is hard and unfair and people do make judgements but its just the way it is and it won't change anytime soon.
I do believe the nurses who lacked insight .... education ....and labelled this young women to be lazy to be unfit for the work they were employed in. I was there I witnessed the treatment she received from some. We worked in a hospice. Enough said.
I do confide in a few very close people, I'm mentally strong , forward thinking , optimistic....but in my view judging people is not the way to be.
My circle of friends is smaller than it was pre RA as I found it less than helpful to be around people who were judgemental. I was disappointed in some and just let the 'friendship' slide.
If you feel that you friend is being less than honest....perhaps it is time to let the friendship slide too. Only you will know.
If you saw me you would think I was a fraud! I have severe RA ) 16+years) CKD stage 3, osteopenia. ILD, high blood and high blood pressure. I do a lot of walking and work as a cleaner and have a holiday let. I do all my own house work too! I am absolutely shattered after work, my time off is spent charging my batteries.I do have pain and damaged joints but I must have a high pain threshold and if I am busy I can shut off from it all. If I rest I only go stiff anyway 🥴What I am trying to say is we are all different, we all do what we feel we can and no one knows how we feel inside.
This name I actually got from a horse I used to look after at a riding school I went to. She was a beautiful big bay Hunter. I don't have any ties to Scotland or Ireland I'm afraid.
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