Dilemma

[Diamondpainting]

Hi Everyone. I wonder if you wise people can give me some advice on a very difficult dilemma. My Mum died of Covid at the beginning of the year and my sisters have no arranged her funeral for the 3rd February. My DHSC letter sys to shield until the 21st Feb (as I expect you have all been asked to do). I live in rural Dorset and my Mum lived in South West London, where her funeral will take place. I was not consulted at all on this and now I don't know whether it will be safe for me to attend the service at the crematorium. Any advice??

[helixhelix]

Oh how difficult! What a horrible decision on top of the sadness of losing your mum.

First option is to find out whether the place they have chosen does live streaming of the funeral so you can be part of it, even if not physically present. Not ideal, but at least something very safe.

If not then you need to think hard - which you’re obviously doing! So why are you shielding....are you over 75 with multiple health issues and on many drugs including steroids? Or under 60 just with RA and otherwise fit and healthy with maybe two drugs not steroids? That will help you work out ho risky this will be for you.

And can you drive in a private car to the funeral and back again? Or would you have to take multiple bits of public transport with changes and cross London? Again will help you decide whether the level of risk for you is acceptable.

It’s an important event, but if you decide you can’t go then don’t feel bad about it but do something special to remember your mum at the same time as the funeral. And talk to your sisters about having some sort of event to commemorate your mum when it is safer.

(My sisters and I had a difference of opinion about my mum’s funeral and in the end she (my mum) went by herself... We had a tea party with her friends instead which actually was much better. All her friends were elderly and couldn’t have go to the crematorium)

[Caza in reply to helixhelix]

My sister spent a lot of time staying in Tenerife where we both had apartments. She died suddenly & unexpectedly. We had the funeral in London but her Tenerife friends got together over there. Indecently I didn’t go to her funeral

I’d spent a week with her, day & night by her bed hoping she’d recover. I’d said my goodbyes. I stayed home & prepared for everyone coming back. She would of understood & I have no regrets

[Diamondpainting in reply to helixhelix]

Hi HelixHelix. I have three younger sisters, two of whom have taken it upon themselves to arrange the whole thing without consulting myself or my other sister. We were also not told that our Mum was in hospital with Covid until she was almost in a coma even though the 'two sisters' had been talking to her in hospital every day until she went into a coma and unable to speak. Our family is very dysfunctional and there has been a divide between us sisters for about 40 years. My other sister and I were discussing having a memorial service when this virus is under control, but were not given the chance to suggest this, so maybe we could do this together in the Summer, just between us and our families. The Crematorium doesn't mention live feed on their website, so maybe I should ring them to find out.

I am under 60, just on mtx and leflunomide, but prone to bronchitis/chest infections and my mobility is badly affected by the RA. I think the thought of an 8 hour round trip is also putting me off, as under normal circumstances we would have stayed somewhere overnight. Also, I don't want to say goodbye to a box, I know my Mum's not there, I would rather have had the chance to tell her I loved her before she passed. I don't know - I feel sad, angry and confused! Maybe I am just looking for an excuse not to go.

😔

[bubblyalex in reply to Diamondpainting]

💕 My heart goes out to you

[Neonkittie17 in reply to Diamondpainting]

Huge hugs. Would you want to say goodbye to your Mum in the chapel of rest and then see the actual service online? Then you’ve said goodbye safely. It sounds madness you weren’t told about what was happening but .. these things do happen. 😢😑 Do what you feel is right for you and your health and not the family members who didn’t inform you. It would mean a very early start and long day especially in the winter to do the day trip by car. I would also have your smaller memorial for your Mum in the summer with your friendly sister and family. That’s a very good idea. Play her fave music and do some readings and celebrate her. Eat her fave food and remember her with such love. I’m sure your Mum was well aware you loved her. 💗 My heart goes out to you as this is a hard one. You would also be travelling into London which is also a risk, although if you are driving by car and not staying over then that is reduced considerably. You must do what is sensible and safe for your health. This is a dilemma indeed but if you could go see her and say goodbye it may give you peace. Whatever you decide, the strange sisters must not be allowed to try change your mind or make you feel bad. Refuse to allow that. Much love. xx

[Diamondpainting in reply to Neonkittie17]

Ooooh fish and chips eaten to country and western music (or Val Doonican if we have to!) That sounds a great plan - thank you! I think Mum would appreciate that x

[Neonkittie17 in reply to Diamondpainting]

Sounds like a great plan! You could do it in your garden and plant some of her fave flowers too. I did that for my Mum. I played Frank Sinatra songs too next to where her ashes were. x

[Boxerlady in reply to Diamondpainting]

When I was at the seaside for the first time after Mum died, I ate a 99 in her honour as it was was one thing she always did. Then the following year after her sister died (at 102!) I went into the amusement arcade and played on the penny falls as my first memory of her is when she used to do that with me 😍

[Neonkittie17 in reply to Boxerlady]

That’s lovely! We always think of my My Mum if we ever have a fresh cream choc eclair .. her fave! Ginger chocolates too.

[Hidden in reply to Diamondpainting]

that sounds an awesome way to remember your Mum by and proactive too.

[Caza]

Sorry to hear about your mum. I think this can only be your decision. It has to be what you feel comfortable with. Try looking at it from a different angle would your mum want to put you at risk. Have you thought of zoom link. My friend did that for her mums funeral just recently. Some family/friends couldn’t attend but they got to feel apart of the service via zoom. A well thought of neighbour died just a few days ago & his family are going to have his body driven through the village so as we can say our goodbyes. Maybe you could go & see your mum & say your goodbye on your own. Would you regret not going if the answer is no & there’s no reason, in my opinion that you should then there’s your answer. Just my thoughts.

[Hidden in reply to Caza]

Caza has put it very well.. this would also be my advice.. I’m sorry for your loss x

[Diamondpainting in reply to Caza]

Hi Caza. Thank you for your reply. I will have to ring the crematorium to find out if they have live feed. My mobility isn't great and the arrangement is to meet at the funeral directors and walk behind the hearse from there to the crematorium, not too far but enough so I would need to be in my wheelchair, which is embarrassing enough as it is. All the arrangements were made without any consultation by two of my younger sisters (I am the eldest of 4 girls) and their is a lot of bad feeling that goes back decades. I really don't know what to do.

🙁

[bubblyalex in reply to Diamondpainting]

So very sorry that you weren’t included. There will be a zoom feed. They all gave them now. Families can be so troubling. I have a lifetime of problems with my sister who I keep at arms length. Think about your mum. If you know who the funeral directors are you may find it better to talk to them and ask what’s what. They do all the organising and planning. X

[Neonkittie17 in reply to bubblyalex]

Gosh families ... can be very difficult ... I keep a SIL at arms’ length who thinks my husband is her pseudo husband. 😖

[bubblyalex in reply to Neonkittie17]

Oh god how awful that must be on so many levels 😠

[helixhelix]

My other thought....since funerals are limited to max 30 people right now (at less if venue is small) if you can’t go could you “give” your place to someone else who otherwise wouldn’t be able to go? That might help you feel you have a presence there.

[Diamondpainting]

Thank you Ajay. I wasn't particularly close to my Mum - which is (I think) why I have this dilemma. I have two younger sisters who were very close to our Mum and another sister, who, like me, wasn't close to her and she doesn't know whether to go or not due to covid as she isn't vulnerable, but has young children and lives with her 90 year mother in law. Hmmm

[bunnycaramel]

Hi Diamindpainting

I am very sorry to hear of your recent sad loss. I agree with what has already been said. This one s a difficult decision. Maybe if able to watch the service virtually and or by stream. I know a few church’s have this system fitted.

[allanah]

Why would you risk catching the illness by going to london which is struggling at the moment. It's a ceremony to say goodbye to your loved ones and you in your heart have probably done that. I would meet with your sisters after vaccines done and numbers down . I just think it's not worth the risk x

[Diamondpainting in reply to allanah]

Hi allanah. I was supposed to go and visit my Mum in September, when lockdown had lifted. My GP wasn't very happy about me going then and (as you know) London wasn't in half the state it is now, as it turned out my Mum was in hospital (with gout) so we couldn't go and see her anyway. I am scared, but am I also looking for other excuses as we are a very dysfunctional family? Thank you for your reply, it helps to weigh up the real risk against the excuses.

[allanah in reply to Diamondpainting]

Well if they actually wont help you feel better for seeing them and you probably, in your mind have thought about your mum, on your own, then you have to think of why you are considering it? If its past family things then that can wait as the main thing for you is your illness makes you more vulnerable to a bug that still there is not much treatment for. They decided the date, and it just doesnt fit in for you.

If you were in hospital two weeks from now who would it help .... going to a major town that is struggling to get beds for ill people might not help any of you.

Ask if they can do a video link. I've lost uncles and friends in the pandemic and we did an online get together but hope to meet after the vaccines and numbers are down.

I might be blunt but you did ask and I send lots and lots of love, families and decisions can be hard 💓

[Diamondpainting in reply to allanah]

I can deal with blunt! You have been really helpful! Thank you

[Boxerlady in reply to Diamondpainting]

I'm with allanah on this. You must do what's right for YOU; you can say goodbye in your own way whether that's attending remotely, lighting a candle and having a quiet moment or raising a glass in celebration (in my case it would be a cream cake as my Mum loved those and we often shared one!) 🍰

[bubblyalex in reply to allanah]

👍🏻

[Hidden in reply to allanah]

Sorry, my first reply was before reading about your dysfunctional family. I agree with Allanah. Meeting family you don't get on with anyway will not make you feel any better. Say goodbye to your Mum in your heart. You can always get together with people you want to see to remember her together once the pandemic is under control. x

[bubblyalex in reply to allanah]

I agree.

[nomoreheels]

I'm so sorry for you loss. Awful in normal times but just now even more so. I think I'd echoe what Allanah has suggested.

Though only you can decide what's best for you we're with you every step of the way.

[bubblyalex]

So very sorry for your loss. 😞🙏 I lost my father though not from Covid in November.

If I was faced with the dilemma of my fathers funeral now... I simply would not be able to go. At this time with the new variant being so scarily virulent I would say it is totally unsafe to go. The shielding letter is a don’t go out though you would not be breaking the law if you went.

This is awful in so very many ways I know. It is possible your sisters could not have done anything differently especially where they are with what is going on now. This isn’t just about shielding or not. It is simply too dangerous out there for the CEV group. A lot of churches and crematoriums do zoom so that you can be there online. I highly recommend this and my sister was able to ‘attend’ my fathers like that ... she was in India. Anyone who criticises you for not being there in person is an unkind soul who isn’t someone who understands anything let alone CEV and Covid. I was able to go to my fathers because I was able to stay in his house that was empty and so it was safe and the new strain hadn’t surfaced and I was put a million miles from anyone else in the church. Everyone knew not to come anywhere near me. (Forget 2m... more like 20ft). This new strain is taking 9/10 CEV people and infection rate 70% higher they say. You would also be going to London ... where if you got into trouble or needed any medical care you would have little hope of there being a hospital bed for you let alone a dr. I live on Wiltshire /Dorset boarder. We are way safer here.

Big gentle hugs to you. 💕

[Marionfromhappydays in reply to bubblyalex]

Sorry to hear about your dad bubbly x

So sorry diamond to hear of your mums passing and your sisters attitudes. Very sad times.

My step dad died back in May, we had a funeral for him under the restrictions with maximum of 15 people. With the absolute best intentions people forgot about the social distancing and were hugging my mum (who was far too devastated to care) it was all a bit of a COVID breeding ground. I consider myself fortunate not to have gotten it!

This isn't in London area or before the new strain. Only you can decide, we are in unprecedented times .

You take care and look after yourself x

[bubblyalex in reply to Marionfromhappydays]

Thank you 🥰

[Niao in reply to Marionfromhappydays]

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss too. Xxx

[Niao in reply to bubblyalex]

I think I'd probably have to agree. Xxx

[Neonkittie17 in reply to bubblyalex]

Hugs Bubbly xx💗

[bubblyalex in reply to Neonkittie17]

Thank you xxx

[Deniseelk]

I am very sorry for you about losing your mum and it is just additionally painful with all these Covid restrictions too. I do understand as I also lost my father in October but not to Covid. I am also CEV and asked to shield. I knew I couldn’t possibly miss my fathers cremation ( he actually died in Spain so I also had to take a flight) I was extremely careful of all protection needed. If it’s any comfort the funeral parlour was incredibly Covid safe and I did not feel concerned at all. However the hardest thing was to not be able to hug family ( or be hugged) and having to wear a mask during the service.... very painful and felt disrespectful to my father but it was just what had to happen. I suppose the risk is more about lingering after the service and perhaps you could let the attendees know prior to the service that due to your medical position you will be respectfully departing immediately after? I hope you find the right choice for you and the service is of comfort to you.

[Gnarli]

I have nothing more to add to thoughts already shared. I just wanted to send huge virtual hugs and my warmest wishes

[Niao]

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss Diamondpainting. I understand dysfunctional families only too well and wish you didn't have to deal with this on top of everything else. I really hope you can come to a decision that you will be comfortable with . All the very best. Xxx

[Monkeysmum]

Hi Diamond. I wanted to offer my condolences, I lost my Mum this time last year and it was a difficult enough process without COVID complications. I think the decision to attend a funeral is a very personal decision and you must do what is right for you first and foremost and make sure that you reach a decision which you feel confident you won’t regret in the future. Perhaps the virtual attendance option is a sensible compromise but to me the most important thing is the process of saying goodbye, however you choose to do it, not the actual attendance itself. Sending big hugs to you.

[Vonnie10]

Hi its entirely your choose sorry for your loss lost my sister in august. So feel your pain. I did attend but we hd just come out of lockdown luckily..goodluck

[Diamondpainting]

Thank you all so much for your replies - not having really thought about the impact of losing anyone over the last year, this has come as quite a shock and my thoughts are with all of you who have already been through this trauma. It has woken me up to how much I had become immune to these tragic losses - sad, but life goes on attitude. Hugs to you all, and thank you again for your support.

[bubblyalex in reply to Diamondpainting]

💕 you take care of yourself x

[Hidden]

So sorry to hear you have lost your Mum. The big question in my mind is how you would travel to the funeral. If your only option is public transport, I would say don't go, but if you would be driving it would probably be safe, so long as you stay far enough apart from everyone at the service. Is there any possibility your sister could arrange a live link to the ceremony? Many places are doing that now. I've had both funeral and wedding invitations that way. It's certainly the safest. Best wishes. x