I don’t know if anyone is in my position but it would be lovely to hear from anyone that is and is struggling with it .Three weeks ago I had to make the heartbreaking decision to move out of my home where I live with my husband and son and move in to my elderly Mums house.
My husband works in London and my sons a food delivery driver and because I have RA and high blood pressure and take Methotrexate I just didn’t feel safe there anymore.
The big problem I’ve got is I have never seen eye to eye with my Mum and since I’ve been living with her it’s got even worse. A more selfish person I have yet to meet so here’s my dilemma
Be at home with those I love but be permanently scared or
Feel safe at my Mims house but feel entirely alone stressed and isolated
The worst thing is I have a father who desperately wanted me to go there who I love dearly but because my Mum said well who is going to look after me when you go and me being the nice person I am I have put myself in a horrible situation
Does anyone relate to this or have any ideas as to how long I might have to stay away from my home ?
Written by
Sue4983
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
Oh bless you..it’s a tough one isn’t it and no one know at the moment how long this lockdown will go on for. I had a similar dilemma as my husband is a key worker but I decided to stay put as I need to be here for our dogs, he’s very careful most of the time and showers etc as soon as he gets in. Food delivery drivers are following the rules too with social distancing and with extra hygiene etc living together can be done. Good luck and stay safe xx
Hello Sue, firstly sending you a virtual hug in what feels like a difficult situation for you. I don't think I'm in a position to advise you what would be the right thing for you to do, but at this moment in time the government are not going to lift their measures and as I understand we have not yet reached the peak of this virus. It must be hard for you as you say your husband is working in London and you feel at risk with your health and the meds you are taking, so you did what you felt best at the time and made the decision to go and stay with your mum. It is hard when you return to your parent's home and remember before they took ill and I became a carer to my parents I briefly had to return back home when I sold my house. While I loved them dearly it was difficult at times as they came to like having me home and without them meaning to would ask me what time I would be home if I went out, would I be home for tea or was I going to make tea and it sort of became the parent/ child situation again. So while I have no pearls of wisdom to offer for your situation, I would perhaps think about your relationship with your mum, perhaps have a discussion with her if possible, consider how long these measures may go on, your health, your safety, your husband and son and try and see if you can make your situation work as best as able whatever you chose to do. Do take care and I hope things will be ok for you. xx
I lost my mum and dad many years ago but I did look after them both to the best of my ability because back then I worked full time but I didn't live with them so entirely different situation. I do know, however, that I would have found it stressful to live with them because I didn't see eye to eye with my dad. Under the rules of staying at home during this time you can't really do anything but stay put, as stressful as it is because you may put yourself in danger by going home. What I would try to do though is explain to them that you feel stressed at the situation especially as you are not in the best of health yourself. You don't say what state of health your parents are in. Are they both in poor health? If not, I would try and draw up a rota of chores and ask them to pull their weight in so far as their health will allow otherwise you will end up being ill yourself and that won't help anybody. I do sympathise with you though but not knowing your parents it's quite difficult to to advise.
No it’s only my Mum who is 94 but if fairly good health She doesn’t understand my health problems and doesn’t really want to but as well as not getting on I feel that since I’ve been here I’m more like her carer and have never worked so hard ! At home my husband did most of the cooking etc so another big change for me
Your health is too fragile to take on a full caring roll. I found it hard enough looking after my dad and that was 15 years ago. I only shopped for him and a bit of cleaning. He did all his own cooking. My RA wasn't quite as debilitating then as it is now. Fortunately for me when I sat down and explained my limitations to him he got it and stopped being quite so demanding. He actually said that the trouble with parents is that they always see their children as young and fit and don't always think they might be struggling with their own health. Some of my problems were that I always thought I should be able to look after him in his old age. We had a long conversation about it and after that he was a lot more careful about what he asked me to do. I'm guessing that you have already tried that and maybe it fell on deaf ears. It's a dilemma. What does your Dad say?
Yeah Ive tried she just doesn’t understand it or more like doesn’t want to ! I’m cross with myself because I should have just gone to my Dads in Somerset but I just couldn’t bring myself to leave her Im an only child and if I’d have gone down there my husband or son would have had to do her shopping and errands for her which I didn’t think was fair either My husbands diabetic and my sons working all hours god sends delivering food himself Its so difficult but thank you for your reply
It must be an emotional rollercoaster trying to work your way through all these competing needs. And there probably isn’t an ideal solution. But you have to think of your mental health as well as your physical health, and if you are stressed after a couple of weeks then the next couple of months could be hard.
Have you talked to your doctors about your risk levels? And did you get a shielding letter (not that these are 100% accurate) as are you not going out at all, as that seems quite a step if you are under 70 and just on MTX? Because if you are going out at all you might as well be at home mightn’t you?
I’m just wondering what prompted you to move out, and whether you and your husband & son had thought about whether you could rearrange your house to make you feel safer. Do you have a spare room you could move into? And could your husband & son come into the house via the garage or a back door so they could immediately change and wash?
(Oh, and you are not responsible for your father,...)
No I didn’t get a letter but my GP told me I had to stay in if I went back on Methotrexate three weeks ago
I just didn’t feel safe at home and felt as if I was constantly nagging my son and husband about cleaning etc They were doing their best but it just wasn’t up to my exacting standards I suppose
I wonder why your doctor said that? Here’s one of the flow charts for assessing your risk, and if you are under 70 then MTX and blood pressure tablets puts you into the strict social distancing category rather than shielding. Your mum is probably more at risk than you are.
Yeah I actually had a conversation with him on the phone a few days before I left home and this is my usual GP who has been very good in the past and knows my history .He said if I were to go back on Methotrexate I would have to shield which I think panicked me even more.
Why I had been off of it was in January I had some kind of virus that I took ages to shake off with sinus infections etc and a couple of rounds of antibiotics and then because my knee replacement was scheduled for April 3rd the hospital told me to not restart it ! Hence cancelling my operation and moving to my Mums three weeks ago .Im going to hang on here for a few more weeks and see how things go Will hopefully be able to go down to my Dads in Somerset at some point and that would be much more relaxing Its our 25th wedding anniversary on April 19th and obviously we had so many things planned that we had to cancel .Thats gonna be a tough day so I need to get through that somehow ! Thanks for your kind message it’s lovely to talk to people who understand as as much as I love my family it’s hard for them to put themselves in our shoes isn’t it ?
Sorry to hear that it’s so challenging Sue. The safest advice is of course to stay put but it can be a real struggle when you don’t get on.
Can you isolate within the house? Skype the people you love and keep interaction with your Mum to set times?
Can you find a game or activity that both you and Mum enjoy to avoid random comments that lead to friction?
Or perhaps you could try to pretend that your mother is just an old lady that you do some caring for.. you can choose to ignore the attitudes and issues that wind you up.....
Hope you find a way through and stay safe and well xx
Thank you Lyndy It’s so hard to even communicate with my Mum as she is very hard of hearing but won’t put her hearing aids in ! This obviously doesn’t help the situation at all and causes most of our arguments! I’m spending a lot of my time reading or knitting (when I’ve done all my chores ) and will just have to hang on in there I think I had a particularly hard day yesterday as I had tried to organise a bike to be delivered for my husbands birthday on Saturday which was from all the family and they had told me it had been delayed till next week! I just felt so helpless and so bad for my lovely husband who’s ended up having nothing for his birthday ! I couldn’t even get anything delivered for him because it was too late being Easter weekend ! Anyway I explained it to him last night and he said he understands
Thank you for your kind reply and best wishes to you and yours
Hi Sue, I remember talking to you about this a while back.
So you obviously left your own home to be safe health wise from this virus.
We know stress can causes flare ups of RA/RD so if you are feeling stressed at your mum's then perhaps it's not the best solution. Would your son consider staying with his gran until this is over to allow you your own space in your own home? You could also arrange for carers to help your mum. If you are a person who is sensitive to others feelings then now is the time to stop and think! I was that person and always put others needs before my own until I soon realised with this disease I had to learn that I couldn't do that anymore. You must do what is right for you and your health first. Would your husband maybe speak to your son about his blase attitude re the virus? Stand your ground with this. xx
My son has got a lot better as times gone on with this situation but I love him too much to put him in this horrible situation She’s just not a nice person to be around and there isn’t even a shower for him which he would absolutely hate (I do too for that matter) I think for now I’m just gonna have to get through it until hopefully I can go to my Dads for a while
Like others have said there does not seem an easy solution, but one thing I do understand is the relationship you outline with your mum. It sounds similar to my relationship with my mum. I've had to learn since becoming unwell with RD that I can't be around her for too long, keep visits short and so on. She has no understanding of my health situation, importantly for me she does not seem to want too. I'm now realise that I'm not responsible for her and need to look after myself too.
Remember the stress caused by living with your mum, raises your suscetipibility to infection and possible flares too.
Could you have a room in your own house that is 'clean' for you, somewhere you can relax and retreat too, that your husband and son don't use ?
Look after yourself, do what you feel is best for you.
Thanks for that it does sound like my situation with my Mum and normally that’s what I would do keep visits short and sweet I feel she just drains every bit of life out of me if that makes sense !
I will try to stick it out a bit longer if I can then try to see my Dad for a few weeks maybe by then things will have gotten a little better Thats a good idea about a separate room if I go back home I might have to move in to the little box room for a while At least I’d be with the people that matter to me plus I’d see my little cat who I miss terribly
Oh my gosh. My relationship with own mother was very difficult and she too was very selfish. I have no idea what I would actually do in your situation, you can only really make those decisions at the time.
However, I believe that in the current situation you must do what is right for you. You have RA, stress makes that worse. Staying with you mother causes stress, being home with your husband leaves you anxious. If you can feel safe and less anxious and stressed with your Dad...
Guilt is a terrible thing, it leads good people to put others above themselves, it leads to people doing what others think is right rather than what really is right and sensible.
You are the only person who can and should make the choice. Try to make the choice leaving emotions, including guilt, aside, make it a. choice based on facts alone.
I really do not envy you this.
Hi Sue,
Sorry your in a pickle,but you will be ok,but,only if you take stock of your position first,then weigh up everything that you may need to consider.
What I’m saying is that you seriously need to insure that by taking on another load other than your health needs you may come off worse than you thought you would.
You taking on caring for your parents(which is wonderful), but with the condition you have may not be in your favour.One consideration is your relationship with your mother.She is an elderly woman and can be very demanding,and also they do become very stubborn.Too much of her demands can trigger off your RA symptoms.So,when that happens you will be incapable of looking after not only her,but yourself.
Sorry to be so blunt but I was in that predicament mysef18 years ago.I didn’t know it then but the following year,after many changes I made because my own health declined,I was diagnosed with RA.
I was looking after my elderly mum and sacrificed many things in my life to take care of her.(mind you,I loved her very much)But my body was absolutely suffering.
It ended up the stress from it caused flare ups and fatigue. I decided to try for community help.So she may enjoy people of her own age,get out for a few hours.She was a member with Legacy,a group established for war widows.once a month they would meet over morning tea and a gathering for friendships,picked up at the door and returned in the same manner.But that was unacceptable to her,as I was suppose to look after her every need.We clashed,she wanted her independence,and I agreed,so she she wanted to move back with other family members,in another state,and it happened.
I don’t know you situation Sue,but I understand your need to look after your parents,as we feel we owe it to them when they gave up much for our welfare.But a decision must be in the forefront for your wellbeing also.Perhaps where you are there might be help for you through community services just to lighten your burden.I wish you the very best in your attempt to solve the worrying situation.God Bless
Yeah it’s very difficult I know .My mother and I have never been close but being an only child and after my Dad left when I was nineteen we were sort of thrown together.Before the coronavirus I just used to see her once a week to take her to the hairdressers and shopping etc which is a lot different to living with her 24 /7 !
She doesn’t like people and wouldn’t have anyone coming into her house I’ve even tried in vain for the last couple of tears to get her to have someone to do her housework but to no avail! Now obviously I’m doing it as the house was in such a mess !
She doesn’t have any friends and has one brother who she absolutely idolises but he doesn’t help her or me in any way (but that’s another story) apart from ringing her on a Sunday !
I think it’s just a case of not even trying to change someone like that because you’re just banging your head against a brick wall and as you say making yourself ill in the process
I’ve got to hang on in there and keep my chin up knowing this will end at some point
Oh,it’s a sad time for you. Once you set your mind on the right choice,you will feel much better.But make sure it’s not for anyone but you,and stick with it Sue.You are the most important person right now!
I meant to mention in the last post,the main problem i figured out about my mum,She was always a strong willed person,never relied on anyone, she was scared,she was getting to a point where she was unable to care for herself, was unable to socialise with others.Once she settled by being near family, the worst news received was she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s which explained everything. She ended up being in a nursing home.We never recognised the signs.So to make sure she knew I loved her,I rang her every day.So what you decide for yourself, if you can, do tell her you love love her any chance you have?💖
Hi Sue, I read all the replies and they are all valid. Yes you are in a difficult situation, however you need to look after yourself. I agree with Shalf in relation to stress, there is enough stress on everybody especially RA sufferers taking immune suppressant medication. If I were you I would either go to your Father’s and relax as your relationship with your Mother is stressing you, that’s no good for you or your Mother. Alternatively go home and have a serious discussion with your son who could also call in on his Gran when he’s out delivering, he doesn’t have to enter her home. Your husband appears more understanding and had his own health issue. Helix helix does make good points also regarding making some adjustments to the family home and it’s not forever. In relation to mtx and blood pressure tablets, you do not fall into the shielding category so don’t stress about that, I take it you get the annual flu jab? Are on one immune suppressant (mtx) therefore you would be the next category down and don’t believe you’ll receive a letter re- shielding, however you are vulnerable and may receive a letter re- self isolating, you should be vigilant with regards to self isolating and if family members don’t understand that then go to your Father’s place, I’m sure he’ll be happy to have you. The less stress at this time the better your outcome, sorry for going on a bit but trust your feelings regarding looking after yourself.
I hope it all works out for you, I have a feeling it will, take care Sue
Thank you for your kind reply .I will go to my Dads as soon as I can but it would be difficult to get down there at the moment with the essential journey rules.I don’t drive long distances so as soon as the rules are relaxed a bit I will get my husband to run me down to him in Somerset
If your Dad is a long way from where you normally live do think about that carefully. You would not be where your GP or hospital are, and it would also be a long way for your son and husband if you were to get ill.
I’m going to sound very hard, but spending several hours in a car with your husband is far riskier than sharing a home with him when you can keep a distance - that might be the day that he has picked up the virus or someone else has left traces in the car. I really think you should reconsider.
It does sound as if you are really worrying - but do please remember that most people recover from this virus, even with underlying conditions and especially if they are under 70.
I know what you’re saying but I would register with my Dads GP who is very good while I was down there and hospitals aren’t anywhere as overstretched as they are in London
As for the car my husband is the only one that gets in it and I would just have to sit at the back My husband is also not going out at the moment but I hear what you’re saying it is still a risk .I won’t be going yet anyway I’m thinking more June time but we’ll just have to see
Very early on in my RA journey I realised that time spent with my mother had to be minimal as possible which is hard to admit .
She too is self obsessed ( which has got much worse as she has aged) and says my RA was caused by all the keep fit I did over the years.
I know it’s an internal battle with your conscience when you feel the guilt of leaving your elderly mother to fend for herself , but you’re no good to anyone in the family if the stress of it causes a flare.
I would definitely pick the least stressful option for the good of your health .
Sending you a virtual hug ... you’re a good person ... we are all just doing our best x
Poor you. Having had a somewhat difficult mother myself I can imagine how you feel being cooped up with her all day every day. In the end you’ve got to do what makes you feel best. You either put up with guilt or stress. Which do you choose? Big decision. Total nightmare!
To be honest I think you should think of your own sanity and either go to your dad or go home. I’d probably take the chance and go home. Sort out a room of your own as your safe place make sure your husband and son shower and change when they come in - mine does when he’s been out food shopping, the clothes he takes off go into the washing machine and enjoy having your husband and son around.
While you’re at it say a big thank you to your food delivering son - people who do that are the ones who are keeping us going - so much appreciated.
The stress all this is causing you is not going to be doing your health any good at all.
Thanks fruit and nut I will pass thanks on to my son. Hes training for his HGV at the moment with his company but that’s obviously been put on hold for now
I’m going to hold fire for a bit just to see how things go in the next couple of weeks then I’ll make a decision but thanks again for your advice.
I’d give anything to have my parents back. My lovely dad died when i was 17. (31 yrs ago). Then i developed r/a when i was 21, plus iritis & glaucoma. My mum & i became very close. She died 2.5yrs ago. I miss her more than anyone on the planet. She was very independent. She had her own house, had lots of hobbies, drove until she was in her 80’s. Went on college courses. But when she became ill with the ‘c’ word. I stayed with her for a while. She wasn’t demanding. (Unlike your mother). She was the loveliest, caring mother. But we would still squabble. My boyfriend used to say. What’s wrong now, when i came off the phone to her. (It was usually my fault!) Then we’d be back on track a few hours later!!
I’m just saying. In a way you should be grateful you still have your parents. We can’t all be as happy as the bloody Waltons. We don’t all have to get on with eachother, just because we’re family. But maybe you can use this time to get closer. (Not too close!!) Maybe you could have a proper talk with her. Gentle, but firm. It can be claustrophobic being under eachother’s feet, even if you do get on. Why not go for a walk together. Talk about old times. This is a stressful time for EVERYBODY! We’ve never been through anything like this. We all need to show some patience & be gentle on ourselves & others. Good luck x
Hi vixen, I would give anything to have both my parents back also.. my mum passed when I was 7 monthes pregnant 32 years ago...lost my dad when I was 10 years old.. I found him in the street, he had a heart attack.. Through the years some friends have had fall out with there parents and I always have the same wish about having my parents here with me. Like yours they were both lovely people.. but that's the sad part is not everyone hads that pleasure.. I hope Sue 4983 finds a way through this, like others have said maybe go back home. The situation the world is in at the moment is horrible and we just all need to deal with it the best we can. I'm probably more gutted you never got your knee replacement 😕.. I've had my 2 knee's done and I'm a total different person now. I'm back training (well was before the lockdown) and almost pain free, my elbows play up now and again but cortisone injections usually help ( there next to be renewed ) I'm thinking the pain your in is like nothing else, which will highlight the bad atmosphere between you and your mum even more, so perhaps maybe take on advice from what others have said and go home or go to your dad's. What ever you decide stay safe. Hopefully things will get better if you do stay with mum. Take care Jax x
Yeah I haven’t really given my knee replacement much thought to be honest it’s probably because my right knee replacement went badly wrong and even after a second operation it’s never been right !
Yeah I will go to my Dads when I can cos I’ll feel much happier there even if it’s just for a few weeks rest .
Stay safe
Awe a shame about your first knee replacement. I heard loads of horror stories prior to my first one to the point I was considering not to go a head, but by this time I was bow--legged lol... and my ward manager put me on nights to ease the pain a little although your still constantly working it is a little quieter. But I thought if it isn't going to work I can't be really worse off so I went ahead and got my left knee done and I knew immediately it was a success then my right knee was done 6 months later and again almost immediately I knew it too was going to be fine to the point I was discharged from physio after two weeks... I have definitely got my life back.. apart from my elbows which i don't dwell on I'm kinda pain free.. 🤞I remain like that. I'm having to shield at the moment because of my injection for RA but other wise am fine... im not prone to infection but it was my ward manager who looked into it for me and came back with information from my HR team... I also contacted my RA department whome informed me about shilling ( i still haven't had a letter) I kinda feel like a fraud staying of work because i have never felt better.... But insaying that i would rather shield for 3 monthes and not see my family than not be here to see them at the end off all this. I'm sure you would a agree. Hopefully your next replacement will be a success. Until then stay safe. Take care Jax x
At your mums age does she not have Carers coming in already I think if she’s as terrible as you say I would move back home your dad has been able to put up with her for years so I expect he can carry on as he has been there are a lot of people out there living in the same house but maybe you could go into another bedroom and use different towels in the bathroom and as your husband and son must be cooking for themselves they could carry on and then you cook for yourself at a different time to them maybe move a tv into your bedroom so you don’t have to watch tv in the same room together their is always a solution to a problem keep strong
No my Mum won’t have carers she won’t have anyone in the house but me and my children.My Mum and Dad have been divorced for years she normally lives on her own That’s why I was saying about going to stay with my Dad for a while
Well my husband and son would have to check on her now and again I don’t feel ready to go home yet cos if anything happened all this at my Mums would have been for nothing I will have to wait a few weeks before I make my decision
I feel for you! I truly do. My mother and I have never gotten along. I pretty much left when i was 16 to get away from her. When i left my husband, she was in a bad situation and the rest of my family said i need to help her out. Well we moved into an apartment together and soon i was miserable. she's a slob and I couldn't even eat there. So, definitely, I feel for you in your situation. I'm not in it anymore but one never forgets. It is wise to be there until it's safer for you at home unless you know they aren't being exposed which is impossible to say. Be strong and find anything to give you good feelings. Make your phone tell you jokes, if that's what it takes! This won't last forever and when that wonderful day comes when you can go home, tell her that you have to take care of your son and husband again. That's your place. I know it will not be easy and I'll keep you in my prayers. Stay safe and healthy. God bless you.
Thank you so much for your kind words.I think it’s only people that have not had a good relationship with their Mum that really understand. Since I’ve been living here I cannot believe that we’re even related let alone mother and daughter! I will stay here until we get more of a clearer picture of what’s going on then either go to my lovely Dads or go home
That's good thoughts to keep! My mother and I are oil and water for sure. I used to wish it was a bad joke when I was a kid, that she was my mother. She doesn't fit in with my grandparents or me. She may have come from under a rock! I'm not sure if it's the same for you, but here in the states, it feels like it's something new everyday. two places now require anyone who is in public to have a facemask on. I did make my own this week for those just in case moments. I am a truck driver (lorry) and have to be out in the great unknown. I'd rather be home. I don't feel safe.
We don’t have to wear face masks out here not yet anyway ! My sons just training to be a lorry driver but the course has obviously been put on hold for now !
What about your medical conditions though and your job ? Does your doctor think it’s safe for you to carry in working ?
Yes. I'm not on any medications yet because I'm not officially diagnosed yet. I just have positive bloodwork. I won't be seeing a rheumatologist for the first time until the end of May. my doctor said I should wear a facemask and not gloves. Just use hand sanitizer and wash my hands often. Eventually your son will get to finish up his training! It's a very rewarding career for the adventurers! I love my job. I just stay as far away from other people as I can and the places I go are being very cautious, so that's a good thing.
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
WARNING - Grumpy woman in the house!
Off topic- you only get one Mum
My mum's been diagnosed with RA can you help?
