Still struggling after marriage breakup - don’t feel I have anything to live for...

[freesthomas]

Hello all. Following on from my post around 8 weeks ago, I feel that I literally don’t want to live. I was with my husband for 28 years. The only thing he says is that he is sorry for the upset it’s caused me and doesn’t like to see me upset, but he does not regret his decision to leave. Unfortunately, I don’t have any friends as we met as teenagers and over the years with my JIA and disabilities relating to it, I feel that I don’t have a future and have nobody to help me get through this. I do have my mum but I think she doesn’t understand quite how low I feel (even though I have tried to explain). I am 42 and feel like there’s nothing to look forward to and that I’m stuck with these dark thoughts. I thought after 8 weeks, I’d begin to feel better. He is cold and distant and to be honest I don’t even know what to say anymore. He is coming over each night as I need help up the stairs and in/out of the bath. As we are selling our matrimonial home, I can’t have adaptations done here as I’m moving out. It’s such a mess and I don’t know who to turn too or where to get the strength from. Any advice from my friends on here would be good. Sorry for the negative post 😢

[medway-lady]

First its so sad but why are you moving if its your own home then he can't walk away and expect you to move out as well, please talk to a solicitor as its not advice from friends you want but professional legal advice, this is important but politesness does not cut the mustard nor does sypathy but common sonse. Is he your carer if so sack him and get someone in as every day feeling like this must be torture. Yes you need help but it must be on a practical sustanaible basis. Talk to your local authority about getting help in or if your on direct payments then just look elswhere. I'm sorry but if your sure he is now moving on then your making yourself suffer by allowing him to continue in a caring role when it hurts you so much. I wish that you were not in this situation but looking to the future is vital that you get good advice to do that. And do not just accept moving out !

[freesthomas in reply to medway-lady]

Hello. We both decided to sell the home. The mortgage is too high for just one salary so it needs to be sold. I am having legal advice and am putting things in place with Direct Payments for a carer. The thought of a stranger helping me makes me feel sick. I have been used to my husband but I agree with you - it’s not easy knowing he is helping me when his hands have been elsewhere. It’s a horrible feeling. We were so close - when we met, it was like us against the world. Our relationship grew as did we and I thought we would be together, forever. There’s no part of my life which hasn’t been turned upside down. I know loads of other people have gone through break ups - I’ve never felt so low and worthless. I said to my mum - who on earth would want me with all my disabilities. I have spend the last 8 weeks putting social services, occupational therapy and my solicitor in the picture, but the void that I feel is still there. I don’t know how to rebuild my life from this.....

[medway-lady in reply to freesthomas]

You do, it just does'nt seem like you do at the moment. You've made some huge steps forward already. If I were you I'd try to find some clubs or groups to go to and meet new people. Your not alone as you say so many go through breakups or beheavements and you may indeed find someone else in time. Your not a set of disabilities just another human being like the rest of us who have highs and lows and you will in time look back on this time as just another phase, of a long life, well lived.

[Hidden]

Hi. It must be devastating for you to feel so abandoned. I see that 2 months ago you had 57 responses to your post re his leaving and being left. Thats lots of people rooting for you!! Its a huge loss to process. It must all look grim at the moment, but don't give up. Chunter to friends,post on here, phone helplines, see if you can access counselling, and above all be compassionate towards yourself.

[freesthomas in reply to Hidden]

Hello... thanks for your post 🙂 I just wish I could see what the future holds because at the moment, there feels like there’s nothing. My heart is broken and all the special times we shared since I was 14 have been tarnished with the betrayal and deceit. It’s always good to post on this forum. It shows there is a lot of kindness in the world ❤️

[Hidden]

I reckon that the love you had for each other, and the good times are in a sense 'banked'. Whats happened now doesn't make it untrue. It is very sad for you that his affections have been transferred elsewhere and your hopes moving forwards with him so spoilt. Although you can't see into the future, we out here will hold the hope for better times that you maybe don't have at the moment.

[popsmith1874]

Hello there and it must be a very hard time for you at the moment and I get what your saying about the deceit, I'd be the exact same if it was my wife I wouldn't want her caring for me if she was unfaithful, it will take time but you will get through it and hopefully be able to get on with your life and get the help you need, so try to keep the chin up and try and muddle through as best as you can for now sending love ❤️ and hugs xxx

[Ruth12345]

I cant think of anything else to say that hasnt been said. Im routing for you and I care, no help but fact. I really hope and pray time and things move on quickly for you so you can look forward. Be kind to yourself. Take care. X

[Hidden]

Have you told your GP how your feeling? Maybe they can point you in the right direction, physically and emotionally. Don't be afraid to ask for help, we all need help at some time in our lives.

There is light at the end of the tunnel though, you just need to find your way through the mist and fog.

Virtual hugs being sent to you.

Ruth x

[GillyGangGong]

You need help emotionally with a professional it must be so hard as your safety net has gone your still in shock I’m sure in time you will be happy xxxx

[parrot1974]

What a mess! It must be very difficult but you need to stay strong. Could you look into maybe getting a service dog to help you with some tasks to become a little more independent with some things & to give you company? I am 44 and newly diagnosed and we bought a puppy just before I was diagnosed. I am training him to pick things up for me and bring them to me etc and although we wouldn’t have got him if I’d already been diagnosed I am so glad we did as he brings me joy every day.

[rabbits65]

I agree, I have two puppy poodles and they bring me so much joy , I live on my own , I had a husband years ago and a partner a few years ago, I’m not interested in having anybody , I enjoy my puppies tremendously , I wish you all the best for a brighter future , goodnight xx

[Balletmum71]

I'm so very sorry to hear about your situation and am sending you virtual hugs .

You are grieving and that is a process which has many different stages please be kind to yourself.

If you can please get a solicitor to look out for you . Could any relatives help you with looking for one?

Please keep posting on here too and see your gp , you are worth so much and though you can't see it now will in time heal and move forward .

But for now, acknowledge your feelings, if you can write them down it at least gives you a way to express yourself .

Take care and keep posting xx

[HappykindaGal]

Darling, my heart went out to you when I read this.

People have said everything that needs to be said. You need to be brutal when it comes to the legal bit and getting yourself looked after foremost (can your Mum help here?).

8 weeks is such early days - I'm not surprised you're feeling as you do and you will for some time still. Gradually though, the good hours/days will be more regular than the bad ones. You won't believe that right now, but I promise you they will.

It's tricky when you don't have a support network surrounding you and wrapping you in a bit of cotton wool, but social media is a force for good at these times and there are many people that are feeling like you do right now and would love someone to talk to.

Your Doc or better still, practice nurse may be able to put you in touch with people that you can meet and/or pick up the phone and talk to every now and then. It is going to take some effort from you and that will be hard, but it will be worth it in the long run.

This will pass, but it's not going to happen overnight. Can you concentrate your time on finding a lovely new place to live and plan how it will look and where you will put your furniture?

Lots of love to you xxx

[Fra22-57]

I really feel for you.You have had it so so tough.Not content with disability you get piled up with sorrow. I know it's hard not to accept his help but if he isn't coming back you have to get tough on him and push him away.Let him have some hurt. Other care for you needs to be put in place immediately.

I think you are being super strong by putting direct debit in place for a different carer.It will be scary but I wouldn't trust my husband near me again.You are amazing. I know you said your mum doesn't understand and it's hard to get her on board but could she not come and stay for a while to give you morale support.

Stay talking.It gets our feelings out and we are all here to help

[Farmgal1958]

I am so sorry you feel so sad. You are grieving and it is early and totally understandable. Please ask for help. I know it is hard to do. God bless you and keep you in his care.

[priss58]

Hello sweetheart. I have been in a very similar position to you, and I know how devastating this is. Luckily, I didn't need a carer, as my RA isn't as bad as yours but that's besides the point. Your world has fallen apart, it's hard to deal with. People will tell you all manner of things, 'pull yourself together' 'stay strong' 'this will pass' etc, all of which may be possible and true. However you are the one going through it, and you have to feel what you feel. Tell your GP, tell rheumatology, you are not supposed to be stressed. Take baby steps, find someone to take your hand, don't let it be a person whose anger is greater than yours, they will make you feel worse. A counsellor is vital at this time. Your husband's behaviour is appalling, and soon you will see that. You are worth so much more. But please speak to a professional, your emotional health is as important as your physical health. I'm going through a divorce now myself, so please keep talking to us, we are here for you. Bless you x

'

[Mach13]

Dear freesthomas

I have been so moved by your plea. I've thought long n hard about what I might write that hadn't already been so thoughtfully said here. So if this seems a little left field then I apologise in advance.

It seems natural to reflect back upon how things used to be between you both. But as somebody said to me one time "But really, how is that approach working for you?". The other question was "and how does that approach affect where you are today?".

My situation may have been different to yours but they were good questions for me and they helped me to change my perspective.

I completely understand that after 28 years you feel as you do. I'm wondering if a change of perspective might help you..

Seems to me that couples often refer to their ' 'significant other' as 'the other half'... The problem of course comes when that changes.

You are of course... not a half person... You are and always will be the whole person you have always been.

If you are going to look back... what would it hurt to think about yourself more... ie the person you were inside, and the things you achieved before you met your husband. What were your hopes back then? What were your strengths? What interested and excited you?

You are still that person today and like many in your situation you probably need some professional help to be able to remember how that worked back then and how will work for you today.

So make yourself a promise today that you will get some help to remember what a fabulous, unique and complete person you are. It will take some effort on your part, but the fact you are on this site tells me you are accustomed to making an effort

If something is missing, perhaps it's not your husband. Perhaps it's the portion of you that's still within you. You just need some help to find it again

I sincerely hope you get the help you deserve, in whatever form you decide that should take.

I truly wish you all the best in your rediscovery..

[TLoudermilk in reply to Mach13]

I am grateful for your post. It has helped me remember that yes, I am a whole person, and I'm the person I was before I met my husband deep down inside my being. Thank you for your words of kindness and wisdom. They mean a lot to me at this time in my life.

[Mumtoggk]

Can't really add anything to what everyone else is saying, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. Please speak to someone about how you are feeling and remember, you are not on your own.

Take care x

[Hidden]

I'm so sorry that you are still hurting so much but can't help thinking that having him at your house every day is not helping you. Can't social services offer temporary help until your permanent care is in place? This current arrangement may ease his conscience but it's not good for you. x

[dbestdeb]

I spoke up before on your other post a few months ago. I went through the same betrayal but it was a 20 year marriage for me and I felt like I had been living a 20 year lie. It was a brutal realization that changed a bit with time. Yes, I still feel he betrayed me, but my greatest regret now is that we didn’t split sooner.

You won’t recover from this in a matter of months, so stop expecting that. By all means do focus on making positive changes for yourself though. Focus on your health, take up a hobby, go to church, join a club, get a dog, make a friend, just stop looking back and talking about what was or what you miss. Focus on hope and new adventures. The past may seem comforting just because it is familiar, not because it was all that good. You may realize that and many other things as time goes on. Don’t be quick to look again for another relationship, just focus on what you do have and try to think of reasons to feel thankful. For example, it’s wonderful that you have your mom to help. I’d give anything to be able to talk with mine just one more time.

Yes, right now just focus on taking care of yourself, health wise and spiritually, make some positive changes, and pry your mind away from the past. Take a deep breath, you lost a husband who isn’t the person you need him to be anyway. You can do this. We are all pulling for you.

[Magymay]

Hello friend,I'm thinking you maybe seeing this as your loss but believe me it's his loss .Is there any advice places near you like HSCP or Advice First because they all have the means to guide you through this.Also please explain this to your doctor how low you are feeling and remember were always here to lean on and listen when you feel it's getting too much,I was seoaratedcfrom my husband for 3months as the stress of my PSA was putting a strain on our marriage but after a long talk we decided to give it a chance ,he's more understanding now but it may come to breaking point again,who knows .The stress of it all can be devastating,I know .hope your spirit can be lifted with talking to us here ,good luck😉

[Neverending63]

It seems you have set in motion the physical help you need but you need emotional help as well. The feelings you have are natural and it is still really early days as yet. Have you considered councilling? May be worth asking your GP about it.

Your need to go through the grieving process for the loss of a long term marriage. This will take time.

As for no one wanting you. You are still a person that has a lot to offer. You should not let any disability define you.

We are all here for you if you need a chat or just to have a vent.

Please be kind to yourself xx

[Nuttyshirlz]

Hi

Glad to see your back. You will get through this I did. Like I said you go through different stages and you will wake up one morning and wonder why u let him get to this way.

You do need to talk to someone.

I felt so low I just didn’t want to live anymore. When your with someone that long you think you can’t go on without them. But you can.

I rang Samaritans and poured it all out to a total stranger.

If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be hear today.

Hugs 🤗

[TPaine]

Hi, I echo Nuttyshirlz on this one and would recommend the Samaritans as a resource, to be able to speak to someone, for as long as you need, without anyone judging you or advising you. sometimes we need to just let it out and be heard and this is what they do. as Nuttyshirlz said they helped her from a very dark place. grief is overwhelming and loss is so hard to work through, so again yes access to counselling would really help. GP and the possibility of antidepressants if depression is setting in?? I did have relationship problems too early on in my RA 'career' as I now call it! it was the most painful thing I ever experienced and I began to also wonder what's the point? However I am here still, and I did hit a crisis and had counselling which helped me to rebuild my life. it takes time and right now you just need to get through each day and get all the legal stuff sorted out. please do use the services that are out there like the Samaritans. they are 24hrs a day so even in the night you could call them. they are a free helpline number too. you can call them on 116 123 I believe. the website is Samaritans.org

good luck and take care.

[Nuttyshirlz in reply to TPaine]

Good minds think a like 🙂

[janmary]

Not a lot to offer on top of what everyone else has said, just to say here's someone else thinking of you and wishing you strength and self-belief and, eventually, a new life.

Hold your head high even if you don't feel like it!

[lornaisobel]

dont move, get someone else to help you bath etc, go to Drs Social services, plenty of care agencys will help you do you have a social worker ? get one dont just accept what he is doing your house your life its even your illness take control and I promise you you will feel better good luck

[lizmey62]

There's some great advice on here so all I can add is that I too was devastated after my partner of 20+ years announced our marraige was over. I thought I needed to meet someone else to be complete and happy. Eventually I did meet someone but before he came along I hYou yad moved on...I too had puppies.. pets are wonderful companions... but I began to enjoy being single..I didn't go out an awful lot. I really enjoyed quiet nights at home with a book, my favorite tv shows and my pups...when my now husband came along I wasn't interested in being with anyone...I took a little convincing. I agree with getting another carer... that would be devastating to your self esteem...give yourself time to heal which you can't do with him being there every day. Life will get better darlin, just give it time. Xx

[cjsabc]

My dear this is not so much about practicalities, as it is about despair arising from the vacuums created by his physical absence and the lost intimacy. In my experience (my 14 year old was killed) I found doctors' usual reflex solutions - strong antidepressants n sleeping pills - to be toxic and ineffective and stopped them after a few days. CBD on the other hand, works in the subtlest ways, providing a gentle but definitely effective lift, easing anxiety, as well as btw, easing physical pain. You may try it if you can source a good one. Strength in your case should be up to 15%.

Meantime take strength knowing All Things Must Pass and that you will stabilise, and you will laugh out loud again. Your husband no doubt has his own turmoils and his spirit will be unsettled too though it may not be visible. Don't underestimate your continuing importance to him.

Patience is all; strength will return.

[TLoudermilk in reply to cjsabc]

My sincere condolences on the loss of your son. It is one of the most devastating things for a mother to go through - it's been 13 years for me.

CBD is helping me get through another devastating time in my life.

Thank you for your words of wisdom.

[cjsabc in reply to TLoudermilk]

Time, with Love, has healing fingers. 🤗

[Hobbledehoy]

My dear darling girl, I so feel for you... Many years ago I experienced very violent shock myself, plus reverberations still continuing, from which I will never recover. Having dispassionately considered and rejected suicide because someone has to find you and it might be a child, I proceeded by concentrating on necessary practicalities and, importantly, distraction. I found that I could function on 'automatic' and limit thinking. In such circumstances we are so traumatised that we are incapable of 'normal' feeling, and forcing myself onwards in this way allowed the feelings to rest as much as they were able - for as long as is necessary. You will not regain what is lost, but slowly, laboriously and painfully, you do survive and develop into a newer person. We think we have finished developing by middle-age, but how surprisingly wrong I found that to be! The going on is immeasurably difficult, but eventually, if unimaginably, pleasure does return to life. Recognise it, however tiny, when it occurs, and be kind, gentle and honest with yourself throughout. If you become emotionally overwhelmed, besides the excellent advice already given, consider writing down what you are feeling - keeping a journal can be very helpful. Also talking it over aloud, which I have experienced in 'waking sleep' and subsequently use deliberately with myself and/or in prayer. Good luck and God bless.

[Fifi2]

Just wanted to say how sorry I was to read your post and also even though it’s unimaginable now you will get through this

8 weeks it’s still very raw .I remember a time when I honestly thought I would never be happy again but I was wrong .

My divorce was all consuming .The pain becomes less over time you just have to find the new you .....she’s in there .Just get through each day

I wish you well x