How do you deal with people who make your pain/day worse? Advice, please!

[DaniBeeLcLa]

Hello community! Help please! First, some history, I have had gastric ulcers since the age of 7(my biomom went through the change, my mama got uterine cancer and I developed my first ulcer), so I know very well what it feels like when one is starting(which it is-ouch).My daughter THINKS she understands my pains, emotional and physical. Instead, she contributes to them. Right now, we are having an arguement over a US political issue-which in no way applies to her--her brother, possibly but not her. She doesn't see others points at all. She will tell me to "take it easy. Take a day for yourself " and by afternoon/next day, she will need some form of rescuing- -$$ or driving her somewhere, or "my child won't do this or that", my sister-in-law is soo mean(she'd liked to be paid for practically raising said child). She makes my stomach hurt!!! At this point, my husband is answering all her texts so maybe my stomach will settle down...

How do I deal with her????

Thanks,

Dani

[Eiram50]

Erm say no?

It can be difficult, particularly when close family members don’t seem to understand RD and the impact.

Your daughter is an adult and as such, should respect the fact that there are times now that you will have to

Prioritise your health needs over her everyday needs .

Wishing you the best

Marie

[sylvi]

I know you probally won't like this,but i think you should cut her adrift and let her make her own mistakes and sort them out without you coming to the rescue. Your health is more important now,you have given her the best start in life by bringing her up it is her turn now to support you darling. Hugs from me.xxx

[Neonkittie17 in reply to sylvi]

I agree with you Sylvi. I've parted ways with a sister in law as she couldn't behave. 😩 There comes a point when it is too much and your health suffers too much. xx

[DaniBeeLcLa in reply to sylvi]

Hi Darling Sylvi! I do try very hard to 'make' her bail her own butt out of the messes she makes--the last one was an apartment fine for too many cats. I told her that we were not available to bail her out again and then hubby turned around and gave her $100! Right now, any texts from her get handed to hubby who is saying no! You may not talk to your mama! She's the biggest reason for our retirement move to Texas(across the country)!

Thanks for the support!

Dani

[Matilda_1922]

I agree with with what the others have said. I know it's very hard to say 'no' but sometimes you have to.

[Gnarli]

We love our children but part of that has to be to let them make their own mistakes and then live with the consequences. Constant rescues do neither of you any good. You don't want to still be baling her out when you're old do you? It's hard but needful that you become less available, less willing to take on her responsibilities. My brother was just like your daughter, constantly wanting and needing and constantly being helped (or rescued). Our parents died over 20 years ago and he is still a lost child, unable to cope with life because he never had to. I suggest you try mindfulness, meditation or yoga to bring your stress levels down. I wish you the best

Jan

[DaniBeeLcLa in reply to Gnarli]

Hi Jan! We too had a brother-in-law that never grew up and my dauhhter frequently reminds me of him. Her other complaint is that her little brother gets more "passes"--3 years ago there was a suicide attempt, psychiatric hold and moving back home for a healthier environment. Mikey now lives on his own with very little support from us and is always willing to help me or his father(and is grateful-but guilt ridden-when he needs help). Rhiannon is neither. Tomorrow is project day for me!

Thanks for listening

Dani

[Gnarli in reply to DaniBeeLcLa]

Bless you, sweetheart. I truly hope you find a way through this. Hugs

Jan

[Neonkittie17]

Some people I have come across think that because you cope/manage your own conditions that you will be readily accepting of everything going on in their life that is stressing or ailing them. (The person I knew who bought a walking cane like mine as she ached and hobbled about on it dramatically as she thought she had got RA! Nothing wrong with her .. Physically that is!) I'm sympathetic and empathic but I know half a dozen people who only ever get in touch with me to tell me they feel "dreadful" or they have a cold or headache or they feel down but there is never a .. Are you OK? Not that I'd tell till anyhow beyond the very basics if pushed as in .. feeling ok. Of course I dint wish anyone to feel dreadful but it's all so one sided. I had a few prior to my holiday and knew they would chase me round whilst away on FB so I ignored them till return. Told them my holiday treat was being away from FB! They would do the very same. Self preservation. Not being mean .. These people will drain the essence from you if you allowed. Even some family. I honestly think people believe as you have a chronic health condition/often feel under par, that you will always be there to listen and absorb their problems. Agree with what has been said to put yourself first and if that means being polite but firm with the "one way traffic people" coming at us then it has to happen. I know a women who sends messages regularly saying she's so depressed as she hasn't been on holiday for a month. That made me quite cross. Hoping you can fend off the people stressing you, DaniBee. x

[DaniBeeLcLa in reply to Neonkittie17]

Hey Neon!!!😃nice to 'see' you. You described my daughter and biomom to a tee! Right now, I'm on a text vacation from my daughter and anything she wants to say to me goes through the filter of my husband and daughter-in-law. With the fires around us, I'm house bound for the next 3 days at least so project time with no interruption because I want to get finished!

Thanks

Dani

[Neonkittie17 in reply to DaniBeeLcLa]

What an excellent idea DaniBee .. Text vacation! I hope you have plenty of those and keep the selfish ones at arms' length. You just do what you need to to get your things done and to keep as stress free as possible. 😀

[jessquilts]

Oh, the people who you will have to manage, or better yet, let manage themselves. I think this is one of the hardest parts of managing RA or any chronic pain. Most just don't get it. They never will, so I pretty much have given up on that. What you can do is choose how you react or interact with them.

Make your health a priority. You are doing them a favor by taking care of yourself, because you will be around longer to help them when they really need it. You are also helping them by forcing them to help themselves, or at least take care of themselves to a greater degree.

If the stress is too much, take a break from those people that are causing it. I am a big fan of having a "hiding day" or two. Pretend you are not home, no phone, no text, tell everyone that pesters you on a regular basis that you will be away for a day or two so that they don't worry, then just spend some relaxing time for yourself. Do something for yourself, or you might just enjoy spending a day at home without people bringing their chaos to you. Whatever works for you. I find that it's nice to go to a cafe or shop that is in another town or big city, that has a little place to sit and read or work on a project. Somewhere where no one knows you is good. You can have light conversation, or no conversation, yet get out of the house without it being "too peopley".

Practice saying, "I'm sorry, I won't be available to do that." You may also find that you don't even have to say that. I WAS one of those people that offered help at every turn. All I really needed to do is keep my mouth closed and that allowed me to eliminate being in the middle of a lot of chaos & drama that wasn't serving my health very well. It's very hard, but worth it.

[nomoreheels]

In harsh terms she needs to grow up & learn to be independent rather than being a dependant which doesn't help either one of you, particularly you presently. You've been 'well mum' but now you're 'not so well mum' & she needs to understand that it's a chronic situation & you won't be able to do x y or z by the next day following your "day off".

I'm sorry, reading this back it does seem harsh but sometimes tough love is the only way for children (adult) to learn the realities in life & effectively stand on their own two feet. With huge hope she'll realise that mum isn't there to be her prop, that she's being selfish (maybe that won't cross her mind but it should) & that in fact it's she who should be 'doing' for you. It will need a heart to heart so try to find some mum/daughter thing, a day or a few hours at a spa or lunch out maybe, just the two of you? A relaxed atmosphere will hopefully help broach the subject.

Good luck & I do hope this doesn't come across as too stringent, she's still your daughter after all but you need less weight not more. 😕